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Response to BlueIris (Reply #68)

Tue May 8, 2012, 04:47 PM

70. yeah me too...plus a debilitating chronic illness

violently mentally ill mother, who was also a favorite teacher in the middle school....not a soul to talk to. Dad was high-functioning alcoholic who was gone on business most of the time, and in total denial about my mother's insanity and abuse.

Also, extreme pressure to succeed at school, with no support through advanced, life-threatening Ulcerative Colitis (lots of Dr and hospital stays, but no emotional/psychological support. Ever. It was a disgusting secret.)

just too much to describe, really.


Being a girl...I knew it wasn't respected, knew that since I was very little....ads on teevee were my biggest clue. So insulting.

I was too sick, and too traumatized to do much. And wasn't let out, given any independence or normal responsibility. My parents were obsessed with academic achievement. I was smart enough to do well but it took a lot of beating and pressure--I have ADD, although we didn't know what it was back then. So I was locked in my bedroom trying to do homework or chained to the toilet.

The one thing was that once I hit puberty, my mother dressed me like a baby hooker. I was desperate for affection and so was boy crazy from a young age...and the only connection at all with my mother was when she encouraged me to have boyfriends. Didn't matter how mentally ill they were (and they were---that was all I knew about, and the "normal" kids scared me), she was all for it. As a girl, it was of utmost importance that I have a boyfriend. And for me, that was my priority too, since I was desperately needy for affection and a sense of belonging.

I was slut shamed constantly in middle school for it.

I still don't know what it's like to have a relationship with someone healthy and successful.

As far as achievement, I was hampered more by all the emotional damage and ADD, than by being female...so I can't really say much about being held back due to sexism. But I've experienced plenty of only being valued for sexual attractiveness--so that I only valued myself for that. Now that I'm 54, that's pretty much disappeared. Difficult because it was so central to my identity.

yeesh, why did I even post this? too damned depressing.

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