Thoughts about former DUers on Valentine's Day, also DUers whose lives are upside down.

[Samantha]

47. Very thoughtful, wonderful thread, madfloridian

I would like to share something with the hope it be helpful. It concerns the importance of allowing oneself to properly grieve.

When my father passed, I was 28. I simply could not face it. I had lost my mom when I was six so he was all-important to me. He died suddenly from a heart attack at 50. A sudden passing of a loved one leaves no time to emotionally prepare so it often is even more difficult to accept. I could not look at any pictures of my father for ten years. I was in denial.

But after some time, I found myself angry at him for leaving. It would be a lengthy reason to explain why, so I will just leave it at that. After some time, I felt ashamed for that anger as if I were feeling sorry for myself for having lost my father instead of feeling sorry for him for having passed so young.

But I was not myself for two years. The depression was deep.

I finally snapped out of it one day when I felt my daughter pulling on my skirt. She was two. I looked down and thought about how much I had neglected her and my husband in my grief over losing my father. I made a strong effort to accept my father's passing to return to my former self so I could be the loving mother and wife I had once been.

Some time later, I found out there were self-help books on the process of grieving. Some authors think there are seven; some think there are five. I purchased one and read it. To my utter amazement, that book described all of the stages I had passed through. Even the anger one was discussed. I so regretted not knowing so many books on this subject existed; I would have read one much sooner and learned so much about the process when I needed to know it.

The Five Stages of Grief (as outlined by Dr. Kubler-Ross):

Denial
Anger
Bargaining*
Depression
Acceptance

*Dr. Kubler-Ross initially outlined these steps to help patients who were facing death. She later expanded her work to simply help everyone grieving, including those who had lost very close loved ones. The Bargaining stage usually impacts individuals with a terminal illness. I did not experience that phase.

Once I realized the process of grieving is a very normal reaction to loss and all of the feelings I had experienced were natural, I knew if only I had allowed myself to grieve instead of holding back, I could have learned to cope much quicker than what I did. Now when I experience a loss, I do not hold back my grief. I let it all emerge and I think that has been very instrumental in helping me to heal.

The reason I am writing you this post is to simply let you know you are so right in saying grieving is not a weakness. It is what we do to face our tragedies and start the healing process therefrom. We never stop missing those we loved and lost, but we do learn to live with it and return to the person we once were who experienced the wholeness of life, even contentment and happiness.

Remember each day to always look around and take notice of all we love that we still have.

Happy Valentine's Day, and thank you for all your wonderful work on our site.

Sam