Sun Feb 17, 2013, 08:04 AM
bama_blue_dot (224 posts)
My ongoing exposure to domestic violence [View all]
Sometimes it's hard for me to sit here, and think "yes, I am a victim of domestic violence".. It's hard because I was always under the impression that being in an abusive relationship consisted of constant raging fights, that would always end in physical abuse. My case seems very different.. That is why I feel like I need outsiders to hear my story, and try to give me some advice.. I haven't posted these problems, because I am afraid of what strangers will say.. I'm mostly afraid because I know what the response will probably be.. "Get out of there! Before he kills you, or harms your children!" That would be an extremely reasonable response to my story. It may also be what I NEED to hear, so I can muster up the courage to finally get him out of my life..
(I apologize in advance if I ramble on)
My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have 2 boys, ages 2 & 7.. I fell "head over heels" in love with him, and never noticed any bad behavior before we got married. Well, literally a month after we got married, I found out that I was pregnant.. It wasn't planned, but we were both very happy.. Well, the first incident occurred after I had been looking at porn on the computer. He looked at the history, and saw it there.. I got scared, and lied.. I was embarrassed.. I had never really looked at porn before, so it was hard for me to just admit. Well, he flies off the handle, blocking me from leaving (I just wanted to take a walk). Then he throws me on the floor, and proceeds to punch me in my back, putting all his weight on me, to where I could barely breathe. He finally gets up, cries, and apologizes. Promising to never do it again. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, since it had never happened before.
Well, things just got worse.. When I was about 4 months pregnant, there was another incident when I wanted to take a walk, because we were having an argument.. Well, he couldn't stand when I wanted to leave, so he threw me on the floor, and proceeded to strangle me, punch me in my back (I guess because no one would see bruises)
Through the years there was plenty of jealousy, and control issues.. I worked for some time, but was never allowed to go out, and make any friends.. There was one instance when my coworkers and I had to stay late, to update a computer system, well he was just convinced that I was lying about where I was. I had to actually have my boss in the background, saying why I was there.. It was embarrassing.. There were times I wanted to go to the mall, just to look at some clothes, and he couldn't understand why I ever wanted any alone time. He would think that it meant I didn't care about him.. He was very good at making me feel guilty all the time..
I was always wondering, what was wrong with me.. I always thought it was my behavior that brought on these crazy emotions.. So, let's fast forward to last February. He gets sent home from work, supposedly not knowing why, for 3 days, pending an investigation into some claims made by tenants where he works. A few women claimed he had been coming on to them..(He worked maintenance in public housing) So, these 3 days, he keeps telling me "Don't worry, there is no reason for anything bad to happen" Well, he ends up getting fired for "sexual harassment".. It was a total shock, because he kept telling me that nothing happened.. So, he finally comes clean, and tells me he just made a few inappropriate comments to some tenants, but there wasn't anything more than that. So, to this day, I have no clue if there is anything else.. After this happened, I basically shut my emotions off..
He then finds out he has Borderline Personality Disorder. It is great to know that I am not just imagining all this crazy behavior, but now I am even more worried about staying.. There have been 2 more incidents of physical abuse in the last year.. One time was because some jerk on facebook sent me a message saying that I looked hot, well I deleted it.. I was afraid of him finding it, and freaking out, but of course he looked in my history, and saw I deleted a message.. I started getting upset, telling him that I was going to kill myself if I had to live with him. When I went to get a razor blade, he threw my on the bed, started punching me in the head, and face, and choking me.
I can go on and on, but I don't want to ramble.. He has been going to therapy, and trying to get help, but I just feel like nothing will ever change.. I don't have the will to fight for this relationship anymore. I am just so afraid of being alone. Every time I try and kick him out, he harms himself physically, and threatens suicide (because he knows I will feel bad).. I own this house, so he would have to leave, but I just can't get in a situation where I want to call the police, to make him leave..
Please, any advice is needed right now.. I have no friends, and no one really to talk to..
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My ongoing exposure to domestic violence [View all]
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