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Thu Jan 31, 2013, 02:32 PM

I Need Fifteen Followers!! [View all]

Turns out the "pastor" at the heart of the Applebee's tip controversy has a storefront ministry with fifteen members. And I'm thinking, "Jesus Christ, is that all it takes to be a have a church with tax exempt status?"

So here's the deal -- I'm already an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church (you can be too if you fill out the form at www.themonastary.org) and so all I need is fifteen DU'ers to profess their faith and we're in business.

Here's what you get:

Eternal Life: I can do that because Jesus is a personal friend of mine. And unlike those other churches that want 10% of your income, I'll do it for $25 in pizza coupons. Even the expired ones.

Sacramental Wine: Actually, this church is strictly BYOB, so you're on your own for that.

Confessional: You can tell me all about whatever god-awful, horrible things you've done in the past week. Although I'm warning you, if these things are of a sexual nature, I'm going to demand video.

Crusades: Because let's face it, god-damned Canada has it coming. Together, we will liberate Winnipeg!

Sundays Off: Who decided that we had to roll out of the rack at the crack of dawn on the weekend? SATAN. Weekly services require five minutes of soulful meditation at a time of your choosing. And when I say it's required, I mean that you can do it if you want. Or not.

That's the deal. Who's with me?

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