I have a question about life

[Kennah]

23. My 12 year old niece was struck by a car and killed back in 1992

Beautiful, bright young girl with a wonderful smile, a shiny happy personality, and the whole world ahead of her.

Then gone.

I went with my sister to the hospital to see her. My brother in law was already there. It devastated both my sister and her husband. Ultimately, their marriage did not survive, and I believe this event was a big factor.

Seeing a dead little girl is not something I ever wanted to see, but I felt like I just needed to be there to do whatever it was that I was needed to do. My sister and her husband didn't want anyone else seeing her body, so there would be no open casket.

The grandparents on father's side wanted to see her, and another sister in law and I went with the grandparents to the funeral home. They needed the closure of seeing her. We never told my sister and her husband, and we never will. It was again just something that I was needed to do. There were times later that I think my sister knew that Grandma saw the body, and understood, but didn't need to know so she never asked.

World felt like it just crashed down upon me as well at the time. There were days at work, even months later, when I think I was little more than a zombie staring at the computer screen. More than a couple of times I had to walk outside or hide in a stairwell and just cry.

Newtown has had something of a similar effect on me. Noah Pozner bears a resemblance to my three year old, and seeing Noah's picture in particular deeply affects me. Looking through pictures of other victims stirs memories of those I've met or known at one or more of my kids' schools--whether kids, teachers, or administrators. There are times this week when I not only would not talk to others at work but also had to slip out a stairwell to go outside and cry.

I can only imagine what the police officers who went into Sandy Hook Elementary must have experienced and are continuing to experience. I hope and pray for them that none of them will become victims of the Sandy Hook Massacre by taking their own life. These sorts of tragedies sometimes continue to claim victims.

I am one of those much hated gun owners here on DU who has been soul searching for nearly a week to try to make sense of things. Even though there are restrictive new gun laws I would willing support to make us safer, I think the currently popular meme of "Renew the Assault Weapon Ban" is an extremely poor excuse for doing something effective. If I thought it would actually change anything, I would happily support it. I own a couple of rifles that fit some of the "Assault Weapon" definitions, either by name or by cosmetic feature.

I know there isn't going to be any critical thinking on the issue, from almost any side or perspective for some time, and I understand that. I am trying to remain hopeful that the horror of Sandy Hook, in time, will lead to meaningful conversations and productive outcomes. Newtown has the potential to become a Dunblane moment and bring about actual change.