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Reply #48


Response to Philosoraptor (Original post)

Wed Dec 19, 2012, 10:39 AM

48. You're not alone. I suffered severe depression and suicidal tendencies in those years.

The home situation was terrible. There were always fights at the house. My sis and I were kept on lock-down, essentially. We weren't allowed to dances or school functions, no extra-curricular activities after school. It was school and then straight back to the home. We weren't even allowed to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. It was like this throughout all of high school and junior high and even elementary for me.

This situation made it hard to make or have many friends at all. The worse the fighting became at the home, the more withdrawn I became and the harsher the lock-down became. I was that kid that sat alone on the bench in the corner of the school yard. It was a hard mile to walk, but somehow, I'm still here.

I came close to snapping. I developed a lot of deep-seated rage at my situation and thought about suicide a lot and ultimately ended up with two failed attempts.

I can't say I could tell you what the school shooters at Columbine were thinking, but I bet they carried the same rage in their heart that I carried. The only difference was that I was far more likely to turn the rage on myself than turn it against the world like those two did. It would've just been my body to bury, not dozens of others.

I made it, though. I've seen a lot in this life, with not a small amount of major problems and disasters along the way. I still can't tell you what it all means though, but I made it through alive. I guess that's a small miracle in itself.

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