Letter to the Red States in regard to your secession [View all]
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
We in California intend to form our own country and we're taking all the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Ohio, Iowa, New York and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of our new country, The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin and "Legitimate rape."
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Apple, Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom and Halliburton..
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama and the Dallas Cowboys..
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the fresh vegetables, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh and Bob Jones University.
We also get Hollywood, Yosemite and the Pacific Ocean, thank you.
Oh, and we're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.