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Response to Bozita (Original post)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 01:32 PM

3. Here is the letter:

MY WIFE'S LOVER

My wife is having an affair with a government executive. His role is to manage a project whose progress is seen worldwide as a demonstration of American leadership. (This might seem hyperbolic, but it is not an exaggeration.) I have met with him on several occasions, and he has been gracious. (I doubt if he is aware of my knowledge.) I have watched the affair intensify over the last year, and I have also benefited from his generosity. He is engaged in work that I am passionate about and is absolutely the right person for the job. I strongly feel that exposing the affair will create a major distraction that would adversely impact the success of an important effort. My issue: Should I acknowledge this affair and finally force closure? Should I suffer in silence for the next year or two for a project I feel must succeed? Should I be ďtrue to my heartĒ and walk away from the entire miserable situation and put the episode behind me? NAME WITHHELD

Donít expose the affair in any high-profile way. It would be different if this manís project was promoting some (contextually hypocritical) family-values platform, but that doesnít appear to be the case. The only motive for exposing the relationship would be to humiliate him and your wife, and thatís never a good reason for doing anything. This is between you and your spouse. You should tell her you want to separate, just as you would if she were sleeping with the mailman. The idea of ďsuffering in silenceĒ for the good of the project is illogical. How would the quiet divorce of this manís mistress hurt an international leadership initiative? Heíd probably be relieved.

The fact that youíre willing to accept your wifeís infidelity for some greater political good is beyond honorable. In fact, itís so over-the-top honorable that Iím not sure I believe your motives are real. Part of me wonders why youíre even posing this question, particularly in a column that is printed in The New York Times.

Your dilemma is intriguing, but I donít see how itís ambiguous. Your wife is having an affair with a person you happen to respect. Why would that last detail change the way you respond to her cheating? Do you admire this man so much that you havenít asked your wife why she keeps having sex with him? I halfway suspect youíre writing this letter because you want specific people to read this column and deduce who is involved and whatís really going on behind closed doors (without actually addressing the conflict in person). Thatís not ethical, either.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/magazine/a-message-from-beyond.html

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Bozita Nov 2012 OP
ann--- Nov 2012 #1
jberryhill Nov 2012 #2
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Skinner Nov 2012 #3
HereSince1628 Nov 2012 #4
demhottie Nov 2012 #5
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