Ron Paul Elected Ruler Of Planet Inhabited By 1 Billion Tiny Ron Pauls [View all]
NEW TEXAS, GALAXY OF LIBERTARIUS—In the largest political victory of his career, Rep. Ron Paul (R-TX) was elected Supreme Ruler of the planet of New Texas today, a remote, fiscally conservative planet populated by 1 billion tiny versions of himself.
"My people, I stand before you today to announce that I, Ron Paul of Earth, accept this position as your planet’s benevolent ruler," said Emperor-elect Paul, smiling before millions of 18-inch-high Ron Pauls, who alternately applauded, cheered, and chanted, "You are our supreme leader," at a victory rally held minutes after the Ron Paul News Network declared him the projected winner of the 2012 election. "From this day forth, the planet of New Texas shall be a veritable utopia for Ron Pauls of all sizes."
Standing below the 50-foot solid-gold Ron Paul statue that adorns the city plaza of Paulville, New Texas' capital city, Paul thanked the crowd and promised to "do right by the people of New Texas, who made the right choice at the polls today." Ten minutes of sustained applause later, Paul took a moment to raise his campaign manager, Ron Paul CCN-14139-093, to eye level and personally thank him for "knocking this one out of the park." Paul then thanked his wife, Carol, and their five children who, not being Ron Paul, will live in orbit around New Texas.