CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes.
The shell of a man, who won at least 21 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:20 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.
Moments later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.
“It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term,” said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Iowa and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. “But tonight is not my victory alone—it is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need.”