Reince Priebus Forced Back Into Ancient Puzzle Box After Being Tricked Into Saying Name Backwards [View all]
WASHINGTON—Startled sources at a GOP fundraiser confirmed Thursday that after being duped into saying his own name backwards, ancient elfin mischief-maker and Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus was cast back into the gilded puzzle box that has confined him for millennia.
Priebus, a wily, mystical creature who has reportedly carried out right-wing political trickery at numerous points throughout recorded history, was said to be delivering a speech on traditional family values when he unthinkingly read the words “Subeirp Ecnier” aloud off the teleprompter, immediately causing the lights in the Omni Hotel to flicker and sending a powerful, chilling wind through the convention hall.
Witnesses stated that in the moments after the fateful words were uttered, Priebus reverted to his natural form as a 3-and-a-half-foot-tall wart-covered hobgoblin. As Priebus’ nose grew red and bulbous and the points of his green felt shoes coiled inward, the puzzle box—forged with images of a sword, a skull, and a jackal—shook violently on a nearby tabletop before splitting open and emitting heavy smoke and an eerie purple glow.
“Oh, no, you tricked me!” the irate conservative dwarf is said to have shouted after invoking the curse, his voice growing higher in pitch as he shrank to one-twelfth his normal size. “No, not again! Mark my words: I’ll be back! I’ll come back to get all of you! I always come back! The world hasn’t seen the last of Reince Priebus!”