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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 714

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

A Gun Control Message From Rand Paul's Beautiful Lustrous Hair

Hey. I just wanted to make something clear: I'm not the one voting for all these crazy things, okay? I'm attached to Sen. Paul, but we don't always agree politically. Two senators with A ratings from the NRA come up with a background check law that makes it illegal to create any kind of registry so Obama can swipe your rifle from you in the dead of night. It passes the first hurdle with a 68/31 win. And one of the few holdouts is the dude who lives just downstairs. Believe me, I'm as shocked as any of you.

Guys, this is not my fault. I'm one scoop of Silver Fox and two scoops of Little Orphan Annie. I am fun and frisky. And there's nothing fun and frisky about political extremism.

We can debate the merits of individual gun control measures, but the idea of expanding background checks in the wake of Newtown is just good common sense. I'm mostly mindless filaments of protein, and even I know that. If you use this bill to create a list of guns so you can confiscate them, you get 15 years in prison. How could anyone still think this is a secret government plot?


The UN's Agenda 21: They're Trying To Seize The Bacon

We need to send a powerful message to Barack Obama and his globalist allies in the UN - Leave our bacon alone. Since he was elected after disparaging people in the heartland who cling to their guns and their religion, Obama has made it clear that he will simply not respect the rights of Christian Americans.

And what do those Christian Americans want more than anything else? It should be clear to you, because it's damn sure clear to our enemies. Christianity, from the very beginning, was focused like a laser on taking the Mosaic covenant and updating it to include sweet, sweet crackling pork fat. After the gay rights crowd finishes destroying the idea of marriage that we've gotten from the parts of the Bible we agree with, they're going to come after us by saying that we're hypocrites about the dietary laws. Haven't you already seen this? Open your eyes, people!

And the United Nations is already implementing its stealth program to impose totalitarian - yes, totalitarian - controls on our citizens with its sustainable growth program, Agenda 21. Republicans in states like Missouri and Oklahoma are banning it, and the Tea Party movement has mobilized against this, but you need to join the fight. Because even though the plan is a completely non-binding list of environmental goals from a largely incompetent organization... it's clear this is about establishing a one world government in the near future.

Plus, the guns. They are going to register your guns, so that they can take them away leaving you unable to defend yourselves. And with Obama's plan to destabilize the nation's economy, you won't have enough money to feed your own family - so you'll have to rely on government subsidies.


They Don't Respect Second Amendment Rights At Fuddruckers

These are dark times, my friends. Obama and the globalists are working to take your guns and cause economic and cultural collapse, so they can hold ultimate power over you. Everyone who isn't afraid of the truth already knows this. These people have allies everywhere - in Hollywood and the media, and especially in big business. And, it turns out, the gun grabbers have important ties with the security staff at major restaurant franchises.

Like Fuddruckers. You think it's the kind of place that respects freedom, because it allows you to build your own hamburger from an ample condiment bar? Nothing could more untrue. It is at that casual dining establishment that you will encounter the cold iron hand of tyranny.

Like a lot of people, I know that there's nothing this administration would like more than to seize my firearms and detain me as an enemy combatant. Only the sheeple think any differently. So, I've started carrying my arsenal with me everywhere I go. I am a sovereign citizen and a part of the well-regulated militia that our Founders envisioned. You claim your unconstitutional "gun control laws" say I can't bring my legally-obtained AR-15 into a public space in order to defend myself against possible attacks by thugs and criminals and jackbooted authorities like "Gary," the assistant manager (if that's even his real name)? Molon Labe, people.


Rand Paul's Grand Slam Of Awful

Rand Paul is threatening to filibuster even those gun control bills he has not seen, and he's made it clear he opposes the kind of commonsense background checks that will help prevent dangerous people from being able to kill you.

And this completes the set. Paul is now an official member of every recent list you've seen of Republicans who voted in incomprehensible ways, because they hate it when government does its job.

He opposed the Violence Against Women Act. He was a member of the "Hurricane Sandy Hypocrites," voting against disaster relief for others after requesting it for his own people. And he was one of the sponsors of the Life At Conception Act, which would redefine a fetus as a person with full legal rights at the moment of conception.

It's clear that Rand Paul wants your uterus to be more heavily regulated than that AR-15 you need to fight the UN invasion. He opposes not just government overreach, but government, period. He's against gay rights and he's not really sure whether evolution is a thing. If the feds are going to take action to curb school massacres or respond to a life-threating catastrophe, he's one of those people who will find an excuse to bug out. And he simply doesn't respect the rights of women. In any functioning democracy when a politician makes it his business to alienate more than half of the voters and cater to people living in bunkers, we say that candidate is not serious about national office. We don't have articles about how he's bringing his crazy beliefs into the mainstream.


"Vote Sanford, South Carolina," By The People Of Other Awful States

Hey. It's Florida, Jersey, and a couple of the other guys. We're calling in a favor. We need you to elect Mark Sanford and give him a wide margin. We want a breather. No more bad press for awhile. We're tired of being known as the bad parts of the country. It's your turn, okay?

Florida is sick of everyone talking about how people are eating each other's faces off and voting Rubio. Texas wants to tone down the coverage about how you can bring a gun into a delivery room. And New Jersey just wants no one to mention it in any way. You guys are as terrible as we are. It's time people appreciated that. Vote Sanford. It's the right thing to do.

If you elect Mark Sanford, it will confirm every stereotype of asinine, hypocritical social conservatives who don't even know the Bible they like to beat other people up with. He's an embarrassment. Just the kind of embarrassment we need now. Especially Georgia: They recently kicked off Confederate Heritage and History Month, and there is no way that's not going to look ugly. Please. Help us out.

For the people who spent last week hyperventilating about gay marriage to turn around and vote for a guy who broke every commandment Jesus gave about sexual morality would be hilarious and pathetic. And it's something that should happen in the Palmetto State, because Mississippi had that whole thing about not ending slavery until last month, and they can't take much more, okay?

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