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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 703

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

"We're All In This Together," By A Republican Standing In Four Feet Of Floodwater

I was reading Atlas Shrugged when the power went out. That's when the roof collapsed, and my cell went dark, and I could hear the weirdly high-pitched screams of those trapped people that sounded like music from hell itself. Anyway, it gave me some time to think about things.

You know what? I believe America is great, because we fight for individual liberty. But we're also great when we pull together and help each other out. That's an important aspect of our national character too. It's what I just realized three or four hours ago, when I ran out of potable water.

An expression of this sense of community is our government. It's one thing to be critical of it, but it's quite another to say that government is always the enemy. I for one would be really, really happy to see some federal workers right about now. Especially if they brought antibiotics.


A Message To The GOP From An Inflamed Appendix

Listen: There's a difference between useless and dangerous. I learned all about it. When you're useless they let you hang around awhile, where it's safe and warm, and no one expects you to do anything. But when you start posing a threat by causing a dull pain in the abdomen, say, or the possibility of an economic collapse... then they cut you out.

You're getting there. Believe me, I know.

In the last big race your guy couldn't win women, Latinos, African Americans, Asians, and even a lot of white men thought he was scary and out of touch. He made comments writing off almost half the country before the voting even started. Your foreign policy is to pick fights all over the world, and to treat self-criticism like it's treason or weakness. Your social policy is to treat women like their uteri are wards of the state. Your party is packed with people who want to stockpile weapons in case they need to topple the government, for chrissakes. It's packed with people who think global warming and evolution are fantasies but reparative prayer to turn gay people straight is real. You're the party of the old, the frightened, and the left behind. You're scared of the future, of the outside world, of people who look different and don't speak English. You're scared of science and resentful of anyone with a college degree. You represent every racist uncle who sends his family offensive chain emails and spoiled last Thanksgiving.

But none of these things are your real problem.

CONTINUED: http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2012/12/a-message-to-gop-from-inflamed-appendix.html

The Truth About Santa Claus

If you're old enough, you've probably heard from other people that there's no Santa Claus. I'm 42 myself, so it's been some time since I learned it. But the truth about Santa is more amazing than you realize. Are you ready to know the whole story?

Santa Claus is one of the oldest and largest secret conspiracies which has ever existed anywhere. Countless generations throughout the centuries have worked to keep it alive and pass it on to their kids. And the result is that every year in homes around the world, on the same night, millions of parents perform a complex, coordinated ritual of laying out cookies, milk, reindeer food... of putting their kids to bed and waiting until they are sure they're asleep, even those older ones who are sharp and suspicious. Then they pull treasure from closets and attics and hidden places. They use a certain kind of wrapping paper. They throw boxes away carefully. They write notes and leave footprints in the snow.

No one has to give the signal. No one holds a rehearsal. No one has to make sure it all happens again in 12 months. Moms and dad have learned it from their parents. Aunts, uncles and friends tell stories to keep it alive. A large portion of the human race makes this happen each Christmas Eve, and all of it is like, well, magic.

You don't have to believe in elves or rooftop landings. You don't have to accept anything that isn't right in front of you. And the heart of it is this: That we are here to love one another. That our most important job is to help the people around us build a life in this world. That the best we can ever hope to accomplish in our short time here is to someday be someone's happy memory. Parents know this. And so do couples and friends and anyone holding anyone else's hand under our shared and difficult circumstances.


I'm The Kind Of Twisted Deviant Who Really Supports Family Values

Hello. I could be your next state senator or U.S. representative, or even a powerful and famous preacher on TV. I'm going to promise you that I support traditional marriage and pro-life policies, and that I am a strong believer in Biblical morality. You're going to help my career because you think I'm exactly the guy we need in the Capitol or the state house or the public square. You'll see pictures of my pretty, perfectly made-up wife and frighteningly cute kids. You'll be convinced I'm one of you. Just slightly better, maybe. The kind of person you want to be. That's really why I have your support. Then you'll learn about my secret.

I'm not gay or anything. Two committed gay people sharing their lives are pretty vanilla compared to what I have become. Actually, it's hard to describe the stuff I'm into, but trust me, it's not going to be pretty when it comes out. Let me put it this way: If you put a photo of me in action up on 4chan, they would take it down immediately and everyone who saw it would give up internet-fueled masturbation forever.

I'm going to win an election or a position at a megachurch, and two months later, you'll hear all about my thing. A massive fireball will torch the petting zoo where they find me unconscious and naked, covered in two different kinds of salad oil. Cops and EMTs will discover huge bags of crystal meth and crushed Pez all over the place, along with plastic tubing, WWII gas masks, full-body furry costumes, several handguns, and a set of Facts of Life-themed anal beads (Most people pass out before they get to Natalie. But not me.) They will be trying to identify at least a dozen dead hookers dressed like members of the Continental Congress and corral more than a hundred shaved, emotionally-shattered alpaca roaming the place. Plus, they'll find what the New York Times describes as "an electric prosthesis of some sort, with several, brightly-lit rotating nozzles."

Later I'm going to stand next to my lifeless, mortified wife, and I'm going to give a speech about how sorry I am, but you're not going to believe me at all. Because everything I say will sound eloquent and well-rehearsed and utterly insincere. And for the first time, you'll notice that I've been speaking that way about your beliefs and your values all along. I will make you, all of you, everyone who ever supported me, look like an idiot. I will do to you and your worldview the kind of thing I did to a person dressed as Captain Kangaroo at a coke party once. No, not fuck them. I did so much more than that.


"I Usually Say 'Happy Holidays'" By Jesus Christ

Honestly? It's just a matter of politeness. Some people don't celebrate my birthday, and I try not to make anyone feel uncomfortable about it. I'm like that.

Plus, there are - and I am not exaggerating - a lot of Jewish people in my family. I spent my whole life with them, and yeah, they don't really approve of my career as the Messiah. But families are always like that. You think I want folks celebrating my birthday by taking an entire month to turn America into a sparkly, glowing Gentilepalooza, and making everyone I'm related to feel isolated and weird? Seriously, what kind of massive douche would that make me? If your idea of celebrating my season is making an elderly Wal-Mart greeter offend a few hundred cousins of mine, you just have no idea who I am or what I want.


Help Fight Anti-Abortion Jackassery

It began, like so many terrible things, as a Facebook comment thread. I know, I know. You can't tell me, because I already know.

I made a pro-gun control post on my own page. Gun control. Own page. Keep that in mind; it's the "Marley was dead to begin with" portion of my tale. My old friend, let's call him Dan, strongly disagreed with gun control. I knew Dan from 20 years ago, when we were both spoken word performers at the Nuyorican in Manhattan (I know, I know. You can't tell me, because I already know.) Anyway, Dan had moved away from New York and at some point he became the kind of person who speaks fondly of Sarah Palin. We change.

Anyway, the discussion went on and on. It lasted more than a day - I would go away, do other things, assuming it would just peter out the way these arguments do. But sooner or later, he'd be back at it. And he kept flying off the topic, hitting all the NRA talking points. He was posting from every website that sold gas masks and gold bars. And he was bringing in God, the Nazis, and abortion. Especially abortion. "How can you talk about dying kids, when every day in America we kill so many more, because..." You get the idea.

I pointed out that he wasn't addressing the issue. He didn't care. I don't like blocking people who disagree with me, but he wouldn't stay with the subject. I should have just shut it down. But I didn't. I tried mocking his crazy grab bag of right-wing issues:

And the abortion doctors in the Democratic party are in charge of the fluoridation program that's being run out of the mosque at Ground Zero!... Of course the fluoridation program is only cover for the REAL story, which is the insertion of a secret Muslim strike force at the highest echelons of the federal government to take over after the Rapture comes and the Beast of the Apocalypse reveals himself to be... a reanimated Vince Foster!

Then I got to the point:

You want to engage me on abortion.. but I ain't playing... I'm totally going to give $5 to NARAL for every off-topic abortion post you put down starting now.

It seemed perfect. You think abortion kills people. If you keep shooting your mouth off, I'm going to increase my support for that horrible thing. You gain nothing except the satisfaction of hijacking a Facebook comment thread. You do harm to a cause you say you believe in. You say it's about saving lives. How could anyone continue?

Read the whole sad rest of the story here. And help me.

A Message To The NRA From Robert E. Lee

Guys, it's been done. Really. This whole argument you have about how ordinary folks need their AR-15s to protect their rights from the government. And someday the authorities might try to round all your firearms up, but you're going to fight, and...

Totally did it. We took that little notion about as far as it could go. How do I know this? Because I'm the poor son of a bitch who tried it. And as they say, things went south.

What do you think the Confederacy was? It was the largest, most well-organized American militia group that ever tried to take on the US military. And they went after us like a pack of pitbulls going through an old folks home. It was not pretty. And when your time comes, you and your camping buddies from the real estate firm are not going to last anywhere near as long as we did, okay? You'll get a million views on YouTube, they'll pop you into a federal prison, and nothing will be any different.

Read the rest here:

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