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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 703

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

You Already Know The Future Of Ted Cruz

We've seen how this ends. We know what happens to Ted Cruz, because it's happened before. Many, many times. I'm certain, and so are you, and so is everyone else - probably everybody but Cruz himself. Reporters and pundits, paid to have memories like goldfish, won't say it. But I don't make any money at this, so I don't mind. Here it is:

Ted Cruz runs for president. Jackasses in Iowa talk about his honesty and his directness. They portray him as an outsider, a renegade, a fresh new face. What they mean is something else, something darker. Anyway, soon after that - because of dropping polls, stories of infighting, and some hideous thing he says into a hot mike or on hidden camera - his campaign turns into a space shuttle made of balsa.

Does it stop there? Christ, no. Because then Ted Cruz finds what he was meant to do all along. He's going to get a TV show, a radio gig, or an income stream from giving speeches to the kind of folks who think the UN is a totalitarian plot and gay people are poisoning our water supply. Maybe Fox picks him up at first. Eventually, though, he gets a niche market, a place in our culture where he can really cash in on those qualities he showed among the mouth-breathers in the Hawkeye State. Because those qualities are narcissism, paranoia, and shamelessness.

There's a kind of conservative who has these traits. The kind of person who wants nothing more than to peddle conspiracy theories, throw sand in the machinery, and call everyone around him or her a Nazi...


The GOP Crackup Can Be Described In One Sentence...

A team of Ayn Rand clones who don't play well together - imagine that.

Might I Suggest Evil?

Your career is at a really tough crossroads here. You know the employment numbers as well as I do. They're bad, and they're not getting better. If you're going to survive you have to start thinking broadly. Explore all the options out there. Make some changes. I think you should consider giving Evil a try.

Now, Evil is a lot like Accounting. It's not always everyone's first career choice. But as an industry it's solid. The growth potential is huge. I mean, it's Evil. It's got tie-ins with practically every type of business you can name. Because Evil is all about synergy. And synergy is all about Evil.

You don't need special training. You don't need an advanced degree. The entry-level possibilities are right there, and you can pick up plenty of training on the job. That's the beauty of Evil. No one at your job is going to try to stop you from doing as much Evil as you can. They want you to do more of it, and that leads to better prospects. Which lead to more Evil. And so on.

I know, I know. You want to stick with Good. Hey, Good's great. But every new graduate out there wants to do Good. Or they say they do. But how many stick it out and actually make a living at it? Look at this way, you'll always be able to do Good in your spare time. You'll have Good to fall back on, sure. But Evil is where the money is.

Maybe you want to try Moral Ambivalence. Fine. But you know you're just going to end up trying Evil eventually, only you won't be as skilled at it. Why not just dive in and commit yourself to Evil right now? You're not getting younger. You only have so many years left for a real career. That career is in Evil. You know this. It's time. I think Evil could be a really great move for you.

For more hijinks, pease read: "I Don't Want To Kill Everyone You Ever Loved"

Drudge Report Is Packaging Ads As News

Right now, Drudge Report links to a "news post" that's really just a Ford commercial.

The post is in the upper left column, and it's title is "US stuns Germans with 'world's best engine.'" It's an ad on Youtube hosted by Ford. No "sponsored content" label. No news value whatsoever. I want to keep track of it, to see if they do more of this kind of thing.

So... that's got to be the 3,475th sleaziest thing the Drudge Report has ever done.

I'm telling you people so we can keep score. Every once in awhile, you encounter someone who thinks Drudge is a real news source.

(NOTE: My blog, which is full of dark satire and assorted craziness, is www.goblinbooks.com)

"You Picked Your Syria Bracket Yet, Bro?"

Don't crap me, Trev. Don't you sit there and crap me. You haven't even picked your Syria bracket, have you?

I'm right here. You have to talk to me. Are you going to pussy out on me now? We're Sig Ep bros, bro. That's supposed to mean something.

Look, the pool for this thing is $3 million in misplaced development funds. And if you help me, a big chunk of it is going to be ours, yo. We got twenty five hundred dudes across five agencies and twelve contractors picking who's going to take Syria. And their brackets are identical. Almost every one of those assholes has the same choices - Sweet Sixteens full of Assad Regime, Hezbollah, ANF, the Free Syrian Army, and Who The Fuck Cares?

So no one's making money unless there's an upset. Unless the Mumford Salvation Front goes deep and surprises everyone. And no one expects that, because they didn't even exist until last week. They're not going to be alive in 10 days unless those Stingers in the warehouse get put on a ship to Damascus, which they totally did.

They already did, Trev. We talked about it, and I thought you were behind me, man. So now someone with OS-SAP Clearance has to make it look like Clapper signed the order, and then it will take care of itself, because that idiot has lied so many times he won't even remember what the real truth is. And that means I need you to get. The Fuck. On board. I need you to fill out your Syria bracket with our new best friends, so we can collect mad cheddar and be up to our knees in Miami stank this Christmas.

Don't cock-block me with the Constitution, Trev. This is Miami.


"We're Intelligence Professionals, Bro. Let's Have Fun With It."

I'm gonna be the one to say it, bro: Op Ajax is done. Okay? It's over, and it's not coming back. Op Ajax did whatever the hell it was supposed to do. We take 10 minutes to upload the action reports - which no one reads, bro - and we're done for the day.

We're just sitting in this office in freakin' Virginia with nothing to do. We're not getting the next assignment. There were five people who knew we were out here. Three of them are dead and two are lobbyists. We're a codename on some spreadsheet. We're a line-item. We are invisible now.

It's been killing us. I mean, how much money from the Cobra account can we really spend at Dave and Busters, before it gets pathetic? How many times can we prank that douchebag Steve with a TSA action alert?

I'm done feeling this way, Trev. I am done. We have all kinds of options open to us, and we're not even using them. Last night, after we did that thing with the SWAT team at Stacy Morley's house, I got really drunk and came up with a list of our assets. You ready to hear me, dude? Okay...

We have clearances.
We have access to $50 million. Easily.
We have a compartmented op that no one knows about, and everyone's afraid to look it up.
We have the credit card number of everyone in Utah.
We're technically officers in the Iraqi special forces.
Also, remember Chad? The guy in freshman dorms who threw up so bad he blew out the veins in his eyes, and everyone called him Lucifer? Yeah, well, the bitch can task Predator drones now. We're going to lunch at Chili's , and that guy is down for some crimes. He's just as bored as we are.

There are a lot of people like us out there, man. A lot. The whole system's set up that way. People with funds and equipment and nothing to do.


All The Republicans Who Blamed Obama For Wanting To Attack Syria...

... Are Now Going To Find Ways To Blame Obama For Not Attacking Syria.

Like the turning of the leaves. Like the swallows returning to San Juan Capistrano. Like a guy from New Jersey giving you the finger when you merge ahead of him in traffic. The soothingly predictable cycles of nature itself.

Of course, I am quite skeptical that the president somehow meant for all this to happen. He's Pee Wee Herman flipping off his bike, here. But if we get a halfway decent deal on controlling chemical weapons, it will be a good thing. And he will have played a role.

We - America, other nations, citizens of the world - have more to do to address the misery in that place. Wouldn't that be great if the media prodded people to talk about this, now that the horse race aspect looks over? Maybe we bloggers and DU commentators should get ahead of this.

For now - and yes, things could still go bad - let's admit Obama may well prove himself the kind of guy who can say no to a war (when it looks like no one else wants it, and everyone thinks it will be a disaster). This actually places him among our better presidents. We should encourage this kind of thinking. Bully for him.

GOP hacks will beat him up for this. They'll say that he's not a strong leader.

Their definition of a strong leader is a person who doesn't mind killing a pile of someone else's kids.

That's why, as much as I have and will continue to criticize this president, I still vote for the guy with the D after his name.

There are two kinds of people talking about Syria

Group A seems to care more about how the Obama administration will affect Syria (And America).

Group B seems to care more about how Syria (And America) will affect the Obama administration.

There are Democrats and Republicans scattered throughout both groups. I won't debate percentages here, but I'm a Democrat, so I have my biases.

Here's the main point: If you are in Group B, you are a jackass.

Leave Group B at once. Leave it. Group B is not for people of intelligence and decency. I hope I don't have to explain why. If you don't know why, that's a really bad sign.

"Justify That War!" With John McCain

Most people think John McCain will sign onto a military strike anywhere in the world. It seems like he will argue strenuously for just about every presidential use of force you can imagine. But is he truly a war-justifying genius? Does he have what it takes? Let's test his limits on... "Justify That War!"

Senator, thanks for joining us.
Let's get started, son. No chitchat.

Okay then. Clear the board. Sixty seconds are on clock. Justify... An invasion of Syria.
Gotta fight terror.

An invasion of Iran.


The Commies.



C'mon, son. Bastards are right on our border!

Missile attack against Cancun.
Spring Break injuries are at an all-time high. Show of strength. Restore order.

Annex the Sudetenland.
Wehrmacht has had 70 years to resupply. Can't afford to back down.

Special Forces raid deep into Scotland.
The MacRoy clan knows what it did.

Fire 24 nuclear missiles directly into the Atlantic Ocean.
Only thing manatees understand is force.


Barack Obama Wants Me To Jump Off A Cliff

I'm a fan of Barack Obama, generally speaking. I like the guy, I really do. I sure criticize him a lot, but he's my president, and I'm an adult citizen in a free republic, so that's just my job. The point is, I agree with his position on gay rights and economic equality. I enjoy his speeches. Hell, I like the guy's sidekick.

Would I ever rethink my vote for him against Thurston Howell The Bodysnatcher? No.

But now the guy I supported - whom I still support, mind you - wants to jump off a cliff.

What do you do in that case? What do you do when a friend wants to hurl himself off a high precipice - jagged rocks below - and he's asking you to join him? Do you go ahead, just because you're afraid people will start doubting your loyalty?

No. No, you don't. Because jumping off a cliff is a damn fool idea. A real friend stands there, and he tries to talk the other guy out of making like a Pollock painting.

So I'm here, yelling at him and all the guys he convinced to go lemming. And sure, I feel lonely about it. I have mixed emotions. And then I look over, and you know who is standing next to me? Yelling the same things? Making the same arguments?

Rand Paul. That goddamn tool, Rand Paul. Jesus on a crutch.

I mean, if Rand Paul told me water was wet, I'd turn on the faucet and check. But he happens to be saying things that I happen to agree with. It is one creepy-ass feeling to find yourself agreeing with a guy who thinks of The Fountainhead as erotic literature. The feeling's almost bad enough to make me rethink this whole cliff-jumping thing. Almost.

Here's the problem though: It's still a long, long way down there. And those rocks are just as sharp and...

Oh fuck, it's Ann Coulter. Oh c'mon! What the crap is happening here? Ann Coulter? The one who makes fun of 9/11 widows is out here, and she's on my side?


So be it. I can only tell myself that these jackasses will disagree with a democratic president no matter what he says or does. That's their job. That's why they're hacks. In order to not be a hack, you have to care more about what's right than who's right.

Jumping off that cliff is still - and always will be - a stupid idea.

And no, I don't think we should chuck any Syrian civilians after him, just to keep him company down there.
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