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paulbibeau

Profile Information

Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 434

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.

Bet you didn't know that, did you? Here's the quote from the US Mint website:

Since the passage of the Monday Holidays Act, Washington's birthday has been celebrated on the third Monday in February. President Nixon called the holiday "Presidents' Day" to honor all past presidents. Many states and people have followed his example, though "Washington's Birthday" is still the holiday's legal name for the federal government.

And the US Office of Personnel Management confirms it.

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?

READ THE REST:
http://www.paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/happy-presidents-day-which-i-totally.html#.USIzPxUo4cA

A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit

Folks, I'm not coming.

I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.

Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.

This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser SŲze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.

Defender of the indefensible Peggy Noonan worries that Cardinal Roger Mahony will be voting, because he's done all the things you'd expect from a guy in his line of work. But he'd join a long procession of disgrace: the Dean of the College has his own experience trying to hide abuse cases. And so have other Cardinals. Some have tried to pin the blame on gay people, but I'm not buying it. I'm the Holy Spirit, okay? I know things. And there are plenty of other horror stories. One Cardinal defended Catholic officials in Brazil when they excommunicated doctors who performed an abortion on a nine year-old girl, who'd allegedly been raped by her stepfather. She had twins, and the doctors were concerned that her small body couldn't accommodate one fetus, let alone two. It didn't matter.

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-message-to-college-of-cardinals-from.html#.USDzLhUo4cA

Here's the best news Democrats will get all day...



Right now on Facebook there are almost 600 people who like this picture and about 400 people who've shared it. And by all accounts they are doing so unironically. It is powerful evidence that there exist a sizeable chunk of people who not only support a Nugent/Palin candidacy, but who think this kind of thing would actually scare liberals.

God bless them for it.

They really don't know that these two would lose uglier than Clay Aiken trying to kickbox a cougar. They don't get that a Nugent/Palin candidacy would have 60% of its votes literally come from people who'd lost fingers in firework accidents. They don't see how they blew the last two presidential elections.

They're worse than my hound dog Daisy, who, when she was younger, tried to chew a live electric wire and got a bad shock. Because Daisy's smart enough not to chew a live wire again. These people, these wonderful Republican voters... they're ready to do it a few more times, just to see what happens.

When you're low, when you're blue, when the night is dark... I want you to think about these gorgeous idiots, and all the work they've done for the Democratic cause.

And they're ready for more punishment, every single one of them.

Ain't that America?

I'm Just Some Bills, Yes I'm Only Some Bills



I'm just some bills. Yep, I'm only a wad of bills. And I'm sitting here in a plastic bag in the trunk of someone's car. Up on Capitol Hill.

It's a long, long way for a guy like me to become part of the system and really change things. Someone needs to add me to a whole pile of money before we can get anything done. And how they do that is a very intricate and misunderstood process. I could explain it to you in a story, or maybe even a song. But you wouldn't want to learn my little jingle. You'd just get mad and maybe start to cry.

I'm waiting for someone to funnel me into a creepy, anonymous-sounding organization with a name like "People For A Better Way Forward For America." Maybe some page will hand me out to a journalist so he won't run a story or give me to a financial analyst or a retired military officer so they can go on TV and say something sort of dangerous and untrue. It's complicated!

Boy, I sure hope I can help some Congressmen deregulate a whole industry or maybe support the next war. I want to convince thousands of ordinary people to call up Washington and each make the same demand, because it's exactly what two dozen political operatives told them to do on every major network using weirdly identical language. And no one called them on it, because why would anyone do that?

I guess I'm like everyone else. I want to make a difference. Oh I hope and pray that I will, but today I am still... just some bills.

I'll probably just go to a hooker.

READ "Debating US Foreign Policy With A Talking Captain America Doll"
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2012/08/debating-us-foreign-policy-with-talking.html#.UR_H6BUo4cA

The Important Theological Stupidity Of Marco Rubio

Yes, stupidity.

Normally one tries to refrain from this kind of language. Some people do anyway. But I think occasionally you come across an idea that demands to be labeled in these terms. It's a kind of intellectual biohazard sign - A way of loudly and clearly saying, "Do Not Handle."

When I was younger, I remember a discussion in class about when and how the Russians were going to blow us to smithereens. A girl in front piped up with this nugget:

"Jesus won't let nuclear war happen, because then He wouldn't be able to return."

The idea that we didn't have to worry about an arms race getting out of control because the Lord was acting as the final security mechanism on the atomic arsenals of the world - that Jesus had to turn the last, phantom key along with our missile commanders - it was so idiotic I marveled at it like a rare bird. It was in fact the dumbest thing I ever heard. Until last night.

"Of course solar and wind energy should be a part of our energy portfolio," said Marco Rubio, who was by all reports not suffering from oxygen deprivation. "But God also blessed America with abundant coal, oil and natural gas. Instead of wasting more taxpayer money on so-called 'clean energy' companies like Solyndra, letís open up more federal lands for safe and responsible exploration.'"

Let's ignore the fact that this was a sly fist-bump with right wing Christians, many of whom believe that environmentalism goes against God's plan. Rubio's statement was wrong on many levels, and I want to focus.

He attempted to cut through all the complicated issues about what we're doing to the climate, how bad it is, and what we can do to stop it. Instead, he appealed directly to the faith of millions of Americans with a very simple argument: God put that oil and coal there. Therefore He wants us to use it. Therefore using it won't result in anything bad. That was some powerful imbecility right there. And it's important to counteract it on its own terms. So...

READ THE REST
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-important-theological-stupidity-of.html#.URvpihUo4cA

The Important Theological Stupidity Of Marco Rubio

Yes, stupidity.

Normally one tries to refrain from this kind of language. Some people do anyway. But I think occasionally you come across an idea that demands to be labeled in these terms. It's a kind of intellectual biohazard sign - A way of loudly and clearly saying, "Do Not Handle."

When I was younger, I remember a discussion in class about when and how the Russians were going to blow us to smithereens. A girl in front piped up with this nugget:

"Jesus won't let nuclear war happen, because then He wouldn't be able to return."

The idea that we didn't have to worry about an arms race getting out of control because the Lord was acting as the final security mechanism on the atomic arsenals of the world - that Jesus had to turn the last, phantom key along with our missile commanders - it was so idiotic I marveled at it like a rare bird. It was in fact the dumbest thing I ever heard. Until last night.

"Of course solar and wind energy should be a part of our energy portfolio," said Marco Rubio, who was by all reports not suffering from oxygen deprivation. "But God also blessed America with abundant coal, oil and natural gas. Instead of wasting more taxpayer money on so-called 'clean energy' companies like Solyndra, letís open up more federal lands for safe and responsible exploration.'"

Let's ignore the fact that this was a sly fist-bump with right wing Christians, many of whom believe that environmentalism goes against God's plan. Rubio's statement is wrong on many levels, and I want to focus.

READ THE REST:
http://www.paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-important-theological-stupidity-of.html#.URvfwRUo4cA

A Message To Marco Rubio From Something In The Back Of The Fridge

There's nothing fresh about either of us, chief. But at least I have an excuse. I'm what remains of a wonderful, um, possibly Christmas dinner. Or maybe Thanksgiving, but that would be horrifying. You however, are supposed to be the new face of the GOP. Then you gave the State of the Union response, and it was a hash of musty conservative talking points dating back for decades. There was absolutely nothing new about it.

Rubio: My parents immigrated here in pursuit of the opportunity to improve their life and give their children...
(2004) Speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger to RNC: America gave me opportunities, and my immigrant dreams came true.
Geezer Rating: Bread heel

Rubio: This opportunity...it isnít bestowed on us from Washington. It comes from a vibrant free economy...And when they succeed, they hire more people...
(2011) Speech by Rick Perry: The fact is, government doesnít create jobs....
Geezer Rating: Iffy milk

Rubio: his solution to virtually every problem we face is for Washington to tax more, borrow more and spend more.
(1960) Letter to Richard Nixon by Ronald Reagan: He leaves little doubt that his idea of the 'challenging new world' is one in which the Federal Government will grow bigger and do more and of course spend more....
Geezer Rating: Whale tooth scrimshaw

Rubio: More government isnít going to help you get ahead. Itís going to hold you back.
(1981) Ronald Reagan's Inaugural Address: ...government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.
Geezer Rating: Pop-pop's Zippo from the war

Rubio: The tax increases and the deficit spending you propose will hurt middle class families.
(2012) Mitt Romney's remarks at first presidential debate: My view is that we ought to provide tax relief to people in the middle class.
Geezer Rating: Week-old takeout

Rubio: The world is a better place when America is the strongest nation on earth. But we canít remain powerful if we donít have an economy that can afford it.
(1990) George H.W. Bush speech to Congress: Our world leadership and domestic strength are mutual and reinforcing; a woven piece, strongly bound as Old Glory. To revitalize our leadership, our leadership capacity, we must address our budget deficit -- not after election day, or next year, but now.
Geezer Rating: Captain and Tennille album


READ THE REST:
http://www.paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-message-to-marco-rubio-from-something.html#.URu6LxUo4cA

10 Ways The New Pope Will Be Like Marco Rubio

Stop speculating. Here's what we know.

1. He will represent a large, ancient, impersonal organization.

2. Many will be praise him for not being almost dead.

3. He will speak, and we will talk about how he spoke.

4. Someone, somewhere will use him as evidence of a struggle within the impersonal organization.

5. He will be someone who has wanted a high office in the organization for decades.

6. He will attempt to reach out to people merely by speaking about them, as if by magic.

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/10-ways-new-pope-will-be-like-marco.html#.URpNPxUo4cA

"Don't Believe HR About Why I Left" By Pope Benedict

Many of you showed up at work to find His Holiness's desk already cleaned out. He just emailed me this message explaining what happened:

Hey everybody. I wanted to send this to clear the air and let you know what happened. You deserve the truth. I want to make sure you don't believe any memo HR sends around about how I reached some kind of "mutual agreement" with management, and we both decided to part ways. We've all seen those things before, and we all know they're bullshit. Remember Trish? Jesus, they were saying how she just wanted to spend more time with her kids, but we all saw her after the Christmas party, and she was crying about it. I don't think we're going to forget that.

I just don't want anyone to believe I'd leave you hanging there for the rush that's going to happen on Ash Wednesday. You know, I'd be pitching in for that, so Steve and Marco wouldn't have to pull any of those all-nighters, right? You guys are my bros, and you've got to promise me we're still going to tear it up this summer at Killigan's.

The fact is I didn't make my quota for last month. That's what Trev said anyway. Many of you already know what I think of those quotas - you remember what I said to Don at Regional last spring about it, right? You know I had him. He simply could not answer me about it, and that's why he just changed the subject. It was clear that many of you agreed with me. None of it is fair. They can not expect us to meet quota every month, and then at the same time ask us to hit all the Leadership Goals. Masses, Confessions, Chanting - you people know I am a machine with that stuff. I don't want to brag or anything, but you don't get Pope of the Month three times in a row by sitting on your butt playing Farmville!

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/02/dont-believe-hr-about-why-i-left-by.html#.URkLWRUo5jp

We Should Clearly Label Satire On The Web

Satire is a powerful form of communication. But on political blogs and in comment threads it can often become confusing and counterproductive. It's crucial for a writer to use tags and other labels to clearly mark what he's saying so that the message reaches his audience.

We all know what it's like to read a piece of text in which the author's intent is ambiguous. In which the author is telling us things we know aren't true, but it's difficult to respond, because we can't see whether the author really straightforwardly believes these statements, or actually believes their opposite and is trying to spotlight how ridiculous they are. And as we try to discover the "meaning behind the meaning" we have to slow down and struggle with the words themselves. People in the comment section begin to post other items the author has written and discuss the context of the piece. The real issue just gets lost in a wasteful, meaningless argument over whether to treat every statement the author makes as a simple assertion to be fought or accepted, or as a code to mean exactly the opposite. Labeling something easily and clearly let's the reader hear the authorial voice at work - hear whether the writer is a friend, someone to be trusted. Someone who can find all the new ways to elaborate on the ideas you already have. Or whether the author is someone who doesn't believe the things you believe, and then you can treat him like the last person you had a 154-comment war with in an effort to make sure you fought the words so they went away and you could go back to what you were doing. But it's okay, it's just like the Onion, it's okay. You just think of exactly the reverse of the thing he's saying. Just turn it inside out, and it'll be okay. Look AT THE TAG ASSHOLE LOOK AT THE TAG. I want tell everyone a story about someone in my family, someone close, a family just like you have, only this terrible thing happened, are you upset are you upset THIS REALLY HAPPENED and now I'll connect it to some famous person I know we both hate, and he's at fault, and here's why, and we're all sharing the warmth and the vicious murderous hate at the same time, and isn't that the sugar in the coffee? And when I'm not sure what you really think I can't call you a troll, and the label won't close up over your words and seal them in, and then they get out, and I have to have an argument with you tomorrow while waiting in line. I only have a few minutes to read this, and I want the next thing I can tell the guy who works beside me who'll never agree who won't see I'm right I want to change him, I want to change his mind with the fact, I want the fact, just load it in there. Bullet points I see what you did there.

Someone send me a post about Dick Cheney punching a baby a study that confirms everything my mother said a sneezing kitten clip jesus don't leave me alone don't leave me alone don't leave me alone with my own thoughts.
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