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paulbibeau

Profile Information

Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 456

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

A Message To CPAC From Something Caught In The La Brea Tar Pits

Guys, please stop.

Quit struggling. Struggling only makes it worse. Believe me, I know. If one of your main speakers is Sarah Palin, it is time to just admit you've lost. She sort of defines what losing is, right? Losing, at its worst, is becoming a terrible caricature of everything that's wrong with your side. I mean, I chewed off my own paw in frustration, and even I have the presence of mind to know inviting her was a bad move.

God, this is just painful for the rest of us to watch. Right now I have a dire wolf who's trapped here with me, and he's howling and trying to eat my face. And that's still way, way better than being stuck in a hotel room next to Rick Perry.

Why would you do this to yourselves? I'm a dumb animal, and I have no clue what viscosity is. You, on the other hand...

READ THE REST
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-message-to-cpac-from-something-caught.html#.UUCfVRXD8cA

SATIRE - I Just Got Bids From My Three Favorite Militias! - SATIRE

SATIRE

I don't know what to do. SATIRE This is so exciting, and it's happening too fast for me to process it, really. Let me just say that I think all you guys in the Patriot Resistance, the Minutemen Alliance, and the Constitutional Guards - all of you are absolutely amazing people. It has been great to meet you, and I feel like I've just learned so much... about myself... about SATIRE concealed carry laws and purifying water... about more than I could name. Anyone would be lucky to be a part of your organizations.

SATIRE - It just got hidden, because I'm supposedly spreading conspiracy theories, but it's SATIRE.

I love this process. SATIRE I really think it helps you connect with the different militia groups and find out which one is a good fit for you. If you have the right attitude! I can't stress that enough. I've seen a lot of people put way, way too much emphasis on legacies. Just because your parents want to dissolve the IRS and go back to the gold standard doesn't mean that you have to do the same. Maybe you want to patrol the border with Mexico, or prepare to fight firearm confiscation by the UN instead. Follow your heart, okay?

CAN YOU REALLY THINK THAT A POST COMPARING MILITIA GROUPS TO SORORITY RUSH ISN'T SATIRE?

The Patriot Resistance - the PRs - started out as my top choice, because they just have that reputation for energy and spirit. And the first mixer when we all played memory games while we laid concertina wire around the perimeter was a real blast. I just felt like a PR, right there. But then I learned how the MA has a tradition of community service - they're constantly drilling to evacuate civilians in the event of an attack by FEMA shock troops.

SATIRE - DOES EVERYONE ON DU JURIES LACK BASIC READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS?

It touched me; it did. Now the Guards get blamed for - I'll make some enemies here, but I'll just go ahead and say it - having "an attitude." They're quieter and they're a little more withdrawn. Those first couple of nights when we learned about the true history of the Federal Reserve made me think I should just give it up. But those guys have a real bond. It's not as flashy, but it's intense. And when you're planning on waging a guerilla war against your nation's own army, you suddenly see why they're so awesome.

SATIRE - Do you not want anyone to ever write anything that's weird or challenging on your site again? Seriously. SATIRE.

Satire Satire Bobatire, Banana Fanna Fo-Fatire, Meee Mi Mo Matire. SATIRE.

READ THE REST OF THIS (SATIRE) HERE:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3g3xXD8cA

My piece on militias just got hidden

I wrote a satire comparing joining a militia to sorority rush, and it just got hidden because they really didn't understand that I was mocking militias.

http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3TvxXD8cA

I think the DU system allows the most clueless people to hide things that otherwise might challenge people and make this place more fun and interesting. Just my opinion. Make your own judgment.

I Just Got Bids From My Three Favorite Militias!

I don't know what to do. This is so exciting, and it's happening too fast for me to process it, really. Let me just say that I think all you guys in the Patriot Resistance, the Minutemen Alliance, and the Constitutional Guards - all of you are absolutely amazing people. It has been great to meet you, and I feel like I've just learned so much... about myself... about concealed carry laws and purifying water... about more than I could name. Anyone would be lucky to be a part of your organizations.

I love this process. I really think it helps you connect with the different militia groups and find out which one is a good fit for you. If you have the right attitude! I can't stress that enough. I've seen a lot of people put way, way too much emphasis on legacies. Just because your parents want to dissolve the IRS and go back to the gold standard doesn't mean that you have to do the same. Maybe you want to patrol the border with Mexico, or prepare to fight firearm confiscation by the UN instead. Follow your heart, okay?

The Patriot Resistance - the PRs - started out as my top choice, because they just have that reputation for energy and spirit. And the first mixer when we all played memory games while we laid concertina wire around the perimeter was a real blast. I just felt like a PR, right there. But then I learned how the MA has a tradition of community service - they're constantly drilling to evacuate civilians in the event of an attack by FEMA shock troops. It touched me; it did. Now the Guards get blamed for - I'll make some enemies here, but I'll just go ahead and say it - having "an attitude." They're quieter and they're a little more withdrawn. Those first couple of nights when we learned about the true history of the Federal Reserve made me think I should just give it up. But those guys have a real bond. It's not as flashy, but it's intense. And when you're planning on waging a guerilla war against your nation's own army, you suddenly see why they're so awesome.

Anyway, they all came by yesterday...

READ THE END:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3JbxXD8cA

Today Is All About Enjoying The Crawlspace

Busy. We're all so busy. I'm sure you've been juggling a million projects right now. I've been working nonstop for the past few days myself - trying to pull my leg out from under this pipe somehow. And our projects are important. But we have to remember to take time out and experience life, you know? Otherwise, what's it all for? That's why today I'm going to relax and just enjoy this crawlspace.

Go on a vacation - even if it's only a daytrip with the family. Or pick up the phone and reconnect with an old friend. Anything to slow down and truly appreciate what you've got. Right now I'm finally going to take a few hours and play with this gravel here. Some of it's really sparkly!

We're so afraid of "being lazy" or "slacking off," we forget how important it is to recharge. Clearing your head and having a break is the key to realizing your goals. Because if you don't ever do these things, you'll just burn out. For example, I spent a solid 24 hours screaming for help that first horrible day when part of the floor caved in on me and I realized I'd left my cellphone back in the car. And you know what? I completely lost my voice. I felt very foolish, let me tell you. Especially since it left me too weak to fend off the first wave of rats which descended on me like something out of a nightmare. I thought to myself, "Kyle, you need to work smarter, not harder."

Boy, did I learn that lesson. I will never ever forget it.

However you're not just taking a break to be a better worker. You're doing it to have a better life. And isn't that the most important thing of all? We're here only briefly in this crazy world. Sure, some days can seem endless, when you're pounding away at your job, and you don't even feel like anyone's noticing, because the groundskeeper is hundreds of yards away, and the stupid son of a bitch has his headphones on. But you must know that these are the good times, and they're going to be gone soon. I have to tell myself that, again and again.

We can only go forward, never back. Time passes swiftly, and behind us are only memories, and sheets of filthy insulation packed impossibly tight. Whatever we're doing to make our lives meaningful - working for some career goal, or scratching away with a piece of rebar at the concrete so we can possibly loosen an air duct that might access something, anything at all - we must remember that happiness is just like those rats. It's all around us.

Bill Clinton, Gay Rights, And The Parable Of Steve

Bill Clinton just penned an editorial revealing that he's apparently discovered that the Defense of Marriage Act, which he signed into law, is in fact unconstitutional and wrong. In that spirit, let me tell you about Steve:

Steve has a beautiful house, a loving family, and an adorable collie named Mr. Sparks.

One night the Republicans show up on his lawn. They want to burn everything to the ground and kill the dog. Let's say it's something they found in the Bible.

Anyway Bill Clinton shows up. He argues with them on behalf of Steve.

"What you're doing to this man is wrong, I tell you. Wrong," he says. He sounds concerned and full of silken gravitas. "Take everything in the house, if you must. But torching this beautiful place and ending a dog's life goes against our values."

The Republicans agree. The two sides of the government come together in a spirit of compromise. GOP operatives load all of Steve's belongings into their trucks and drive away. Clinton winks.

"Best deal I could get for ya, buddy."

Then the police show up. They don't need to talk to Steve about what happened, because Bill Clinton gives a statement for the investigators that sounds like a stirring call for bipartisanship. The cops are tearing up as they write it. Steve thanks Clinton, who shakes the man's hand and then leaves with his wife.

Steve takes the remainder of his family and goes back to huddle in their living room, which is now ice-cold, because someone wrecked the heating system, just to be mean. That night, Mr. Sparks runs away. Newt Gingrich sees him on a street later, and hits him with his car.


READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/bill-clinton-gay-rights-and-parable-of.html#.UTn9yxUo4cA

Rand Paul Is Right.

Yes, he's a nut. Yes, he's wrong on everything else. Yes, he's a hypocrite. Yes, he probably has a relationship to The Fountainhead that's sexual.

Take all those facts, and then reflect on how much they make those four little words sting.

Because those four little words are undeniable.

We should be making this same argument, only louder. We should be doing this.

Let's get our spine back, Democrats. We're progressives and Americans for a reason. We're supposed to believe in things. Many of you already understand this. A lot of you, and that makes me happy. But I think all of us need to speak with one voice. We need to write our Congresspeople.

Don't let Rand Paul be the good guy in this.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Use of the terms "stopped clock" or "broken watch" is now officially closed. We've exhausted them. Also... most of us use digital. Acceptable substitute is "Lindsay Lohan." As in, "Even Lindsay Lohan is right twice a day."

"You Probably Won't Even Know The Guy We Blow Up" By Eric Holder

My fellow Americans: Let's all calm down for a minute, okay? People have completely lost perspective over my letter to Rand Paul stating we could order a drone strike on US soil. So, let's make the facts clear:

We haven't done it.
We certainly don't plan on doing it.
And anyway, when it happens, you probably won't even know the guy we blow up.

Do you know how unlikely that would be? There are more than 300 million Americans right now. Statistically, we would have to use lethal military force on a massive number of them before you'd have a real chance of being acquainted.

Believe me, we've looked into it.

If we decide, for whatever reason, to send a team of special operators into a house somewhere in the US to shoot someone through the eye, it's not like we're going to pick anyone with a huge number of friends. Paris Hilton isn't going to be Tweeting about it, trust me. The people whose lives might need to be ended in some kind of extrajudicial strike are not connected to a large social network. And that network could be closed off quietly and completely. If it were necessary to do so, which it probably won't be, right?

Did you know there are towns in rural parts of the country where people almost never cross state lines? Seriously. No one would know for days if we got rid of them all. If we needed to that is, in a completely unprecedented and hypothetical scenario, that I have to stress will never ever happen, most likely.

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/you-probably-wont-even-know-guy-we-blow.html#.UTiDiRUo4cA

Evidently Bob Woodward's Been Sending Me His Lunch Money

It was a real mystery. Every week, someone had been mailing me an envelope stuffed with singles and quarters. The postmark was always from northern Virginia, but there was never a return address. Then last November I got a padded envelope that was soaked with juice - inside was a crushed Capri Sun and a scribbled note:

I forgot and accidentally bought this. Please please don't kill me.

Anyway, last night someone from Politico called me to ask me about it. They said the money was from Woodward.

"Why have you been extorting the lunch money from our nation's most famous investigative journalist?" the reporter demanded. I thought it was my buddy Dave pranking me at first. It took awhile to realize the guy on the other end was serious. And then I had more questions than answers.


READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/evidently-bob-woodwards-been-sending-me.html#.UTCjgBUo5jo

Barack Obama And John Boehner Just Shot A Kitten

I'm not going to pretend I fully understand what happened. I don't, okay?

All I know is I come home to find the President and the Speaker of the House standing around in my kitchen with dazed looks. Plus, there's a dead kitten on the floor and a handgun on the table.

"You didn't lock the front door, so we figured we'd just come in," Boehner says helpfully. But that obviously doesn't exactly answer my real question:

"Guys... Um, who exactly shot the kitten?"

And as you can guess, what follows is a long story. They're arguing and gesturing wildly at each other. It gets weird and complicated. And both of them repeatedly say that ending a kitten's life with a powerful firearm was the absolute last thing they wanted to do. They both agree it was egregiously stupid and cruel.

In fact it was so stupid and cruel that it was the perfect motivator, really - because who the hell just breaks into someone's home and puts a bullet into a cute, furry creature, and then waits for the owner to come back? Who does that? Wouldn't it be the thing we both agreed we'd never ever do, and therefore the thing that would force us to hammer out a deal? You get the idea.

READ THE REST HERE:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/barack-obama-and-john-boehner-just-shot.html#.UTCjBxUo5jo
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