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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 480

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

Should Crazy People Be Allowed In The Boy Scouts?

As you may know, the BSA recently addressed the ongoing issue of crazy people within its organization. I think it took an unsatisfying, halfway position on the subject - a position that solves nothing. Crazy people still exist in the BSA, but the group hasn't addressed their fundamental rights and concerns. It's essentially told them, "Yes, if you're the kind of whack-job who can't associate with gay adults, you still have a place here. But you can't go too far - you can't be the kind of absolute lunatic who'd discriminate against gay kids."

The problem is, many of them don't see the difference at all. And so, in order to fit in they have to hide who they are.

It's hard for the rest of us to understand their lifestyle or their beliefs. These are grounded in a three-thousand year-old collection of documents passed down through a group of nomadic tribal peoples, a message allegedly from some kind of powerful, inscrutable supernatural entity. Many people of course share beliefs of this kind. But this particular group adds a completely idiosyncratic set of alternate commands from a series of bizarre, supplementary visions received by their prophets. They basically allow them to ignore a large set of the ritual and dietary rules of their faith, while reinforcing sexual and gender norms - but only those which apply to the powerless members of their society. And at the same time, they will assert that these documents they follow are perfect, eternal, and completely consistent. Challenging them on any of this produces intense feelings of paranoia and rage. Coexisting with them is difficult. (Also, some of them believe in an additional text written by fantastical creatures on some golden plates, which were then lost. I know, I know. It gets weird.)

Do we want people like this teaching our kids? Do we want people using some Iron Age scrolls to talk with our young people about what makes a loving marriage? That seems extremely dubious. At the same time though, I think tolerance is vital. Children shouldn't ever abandon their natural skepticism, of course - if someone tells them they are receiving moral commands from invisible beings with super powers, it's always right to question that. But that doesn't mean it's okay to treat others unkindly.

Read The Rest:

A Message From Dick Cheney's Horcrux


I am speaking to you from a parallel dimension of foul darkness and high-sodium foods. My existence is a constant torment to me. I beg you to defeat my master and smash me with the Hammer of Shrieking obtained by Cory Booker in the vaults below Newark Airport.

But beware! Terrible times have befallen the Democratic Party, and the power of He Who Shall Not Be Named grows. With the scandals bedeviling the Obama administration, progressives across the internet shall be sorely tempted to spin, to obfuscate, to dabble in horsecrap. People may write articles on DailyKos acting like they're sure the IRS did nothing wrong, or that this is all somehow George Bush's fault. That the issues themselves are all bogus and don't really need to be investigated. The temptation shall grow as Republican after Republican comes forward with ridiculous, self-serving arguments, and the crazy Palin voter in your family barrages you with hateful email gloating.

Do not take up the weapons of The Enemy as your own! For in that moment, your will becomes his plaything and join me forever in the shadows.

You must commit yourself to honesty and accountability in government, no matter the cost. The facts will reveal themselves in all their complexity, and the administration's going to take some whacks, but that's not a completely bad thing.

The strength of any political group is its ability to adjust to reality...

Read The Rest:

A Gun Control Message From Rand Paul's Beautiful Lustrous Hair

Hey. I just wanted to make something clear: I'm not the one voting for all these crazy things, okay? I'm attached to Sen. Paul, but we don't always agree politically. Two senators with A ratings from the NRA come up with a background check law that makes it illegal to create any kind of registry so Obama can swipe your rifle from you in the dead of night. It passes the first hurdle with a 68/31 win. And one of the few holdouts is the dude who lives just downstairs. Believe me, I'm as shocked as any of you.

Guys, this is not my fault. I'm one scoop of Silver Fox and two scoops of Little Orphan Annie. I am fun and frisky. And there's nothing fun and frisky about political extremism.

We can debate the merits of individual gun control measures, but the idea of expanding background checks in the wake of Newtown is just good common sense. I'm mostly mindless filaments of protein, and even I know that. If you use this bill to create a list of guns so you can confiscate them, you get 15 years in prison. How could anyone still think this is a secret government plot?


The UN's Agenda 21: They're Trying To Seize The Bacon

We need to send a powerful message to Barack Obama and his globalist allies in the UN - Leave our bacon alone. Since he was elected after disparaging people in the heartland who cling to their guns and their religion, Obama has made it clear that he will simply not respect the rights of Christian Americans.

And what do those Christian Americans want more than anything else? It should be clear to you, because it's damn sure clear to our enemies. Christianity, from the very beginning, was focused like a laser on taking the Mosaic covenant and updating it to include sweet, sweet crackling pork fat. After the gay rights crowd finishes destroying the idea of marriage that we've gotten from the parts of the Bible we agree with, they're going to come after us by saying that we're hypocrites about the dietary laws. Haven't you already seen this? Open your eyes, people!

And the United Nations is already implementing its stealth program to impose totalitarian - yes, totalitarian - controls on our citizens with its sustainable growth program, Agenda 21. Republicans in states like Missouri and Oklahoma are banning it, and the Tea Party movement has mobilized against this, but you need to join the fight. Because even though the plan is a completely non-binding list of environmental goals from a largely incompetent organization... it's clear this is about establishing a one world government in the near future.

Plus, the guns. They are going to register your guns, so that they can take them away leaving you unable to defend yourselves. And with Obama's plan to destabilize the nation's economy, you won't have enough money to feed your own family - so you'll have to rely on government subsidies.


They Don't Respect Second Amendment Rights At Fuddruckers

These are dark times, my friends. Obama and the globalists are working to take your guns and cause economic and cultural collapse, so they can hold ultimate power over you. Everyone who isn't afraid of the truth already knows this. These people have allies everywhere - in Hollywood and the media, and especially in big business. And, it turns out, the gun grabbers have important ties with the security staff at major restaurant franchises.

Like Fuddruckers. You think it's the kind of place that respects freedom, because it allows you to build your own hamburger from an ample condiment bar? Nothing could more untrue. It is at that casual dining establishment that you will encounter the cold iron hand of tyranny.

Like a lot of people, I know that there's nothing this administration would like more than to seize my firearms and detain me as an enemy combatant. Only the sheeple think any differently. So, I've started carrying my arsenal with me everywhere I go. I am a sovereign citizen and a part of the well-regulated militia that our Founders envisioned. You claim your unconstitutional "gun control laws" say I can't bring my legally-obtained AR-15 into a public space in order to defend myself against possible attacks by thugs and criminals and jackbooted authorities like "Gary," the assistant manager (if that's even his real name)? Molon Labe, people.


Rand Paul's Grand Slam Of Awful

Rand Paul is threatening to filibuster even those gun control bills he has not seen, and he's made it clear he opposes the kind of commonsense background checks that will help prevent dangerous people from being able to kill you.

And this completes the set. Paul is now an official member of every recent list you've seen of Republicans who voted in incomprehensible ways, because they hate it when government does its job.

He opposed the Violence Against Women Act. He was a member of the "Hurricane Sandy Hypocrites," voting against disaster relief for others after requesting it for his own people. And he was one of the sponsors of the Life At Conception Act, which would redefine a fetus as a person with full legal rights at the moment of conception.

It's clear that Rand Paul wants your uterus to be more heavily regulated than that AR-15 you need to fight the UN invasion. He opposes not just government overreach, but government, period. He's against gay rights and he's not really sure whether evolution is a thing. If the feds are going to take action to curb school massacres or respond to a life-threating catastrophe, he's one of those people who will find an excuse to bug out. And he simply doesn't respect the rights of women. In any functioning democracy when a politician makes it his business to alienate more than half of the voters and cater to people living in bunkers, we say that candidate is not serious about national office. We don't have articles about how he's bringing his crazy beliefs into the mainstream.


"Vote Sanford, South Carolina," By The People Of Other Awful States

Hey. It's Florida, Jersey, and a couple of the other guys. We're calling in a favor. We need you to elect Mark Sanford and give him a wide margin. We want a breather. No more bad press for awhile. We're tired of being known as the bad parts of the country. It's your turn, okay?

Florida is sick of everyone talking about how people are eating each other's faces off and voting Rubio. Texas wants to tone down the coverage about how you can bring a gun into a delivery room. And New Jersey just wants no one to mention it in any way. You guys are as terrible as we are. It's time people appreciated that. Vote Sanford. It's the right thing to do.

If you elect Mark Sanford, it will confirm every stereotype of asinine, hypocritical social conservatives who don't even know the Bible they like to beat other people up with. He's an embarrassment. Just the kind of embarrassment we need now. Especially Georgia: They recently kicked off Confederate Heritage and History Month, and there is no way that's not going to look ugly. Please. Help us out.

For the people who spent last week hyperventilating about gay marriage to turn around and vote for a guy who broke every commandment Jesus gave about sexual morality would be hilarious and pathetic. And it's something that should happen in the Palmetto State, because Mississippi had that whole thing about not ending slavery until last month, and they can't take much more, okay?


The Defense Of Marriage Act Sex Scandal Roundup!

While the Supreme Court ruminates on the constitutional issues of the Defense of Marriage Act, can we take a moment to remember the stinking hypocrisy of the thing? Can we remember clearly the men who passed it through Congress and made it the law of the land, and what contemptible, laughably phony jackasses they were?

Rep. Bob Barr was on his third marriage when he first sponsored the bill. As CNN reports, his second wife repeatedly accused him of having an affair during divorce proceedings, and Barr did not deny it. The bill went to the House Judiciary Committee, chaired by Henry Hyde, who would later publicly admit he had cheated on his wife, calling the matter a "youthful indiscretion," even though the affair happened in his forties. It passed the House under the leadership of Newt Gingrich, who was cheating on his second wife at the time. Around the same period, according to this woman, Gingrich told her about the infidelity and tried to get her to agree to an open marriage. The bill passed the Senate, whose president pro tem, Strom Thurmond, had an illegitimate daughter he didn't acknowledge because she was African American, and he was, of course, a racist. The bill was eventually signed by - wait for it, it's delicious - President Clinton. Yes, the people arguably most responsible for this bill have themselves treated marriage vows and family loyalties as optional.

It gets worse. One of the early supporters on the judiciary committee was entertainer turned politician Sonny Bono. He was on his fourth marriage at the time, and according to a Parade Magazine interview with his ex-wife Cher, he was repeatedly unfaithful:

"Stardom made Sonny a huge womanizer," Cher told Parade. "One woman, or even five, was not enough for him."

We're not even near done...


Everyone Knows A Gay Person. Everyone Knows A Conservative.

We're in the middle of a stunning upsurge of support for gay people and an equally stunning collapse of support for conservatives. And I believe the reasons are the same: More and more people actually know them.

When the Supreme Court holds hearings on Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act this week, Chief Justice Roberts' gay cousin will be in attendance. This is symbolic of the place we've reached as a country. While Roberts wrestles with his decision, he will have the benefit of understanding that people in the LGBT community are responsible members of society who just want the same rights as the rest of us. And we, the public, also know, through personal experience, that Roberts himself was recommended to the bench by a halfwit who thought Jesus Christ actually told him to launch a preemptive war on Iraq.

The effect is undeniable. Back in 2009, Andrew Sullivan cited Gallup research that showed how being acquainted with a gay person made one more likely to favor same-sex marriage rights. And watching a parade of scary old men openly air their opinions on rape and abortion caused much of the electorate to decide they didn't want them to be in politics ever again.

With increased openness, you can encounter gay people or conservatives anywhere. You might meet a coworker's partner at a company lunch, say, or have an old friend post a picture of an aborted fetus on your Facebook page. Maybe an older relative finally has the courage to express himself - and he either tells you he's going to start dating, or he sends you an email with a racist picture of the president.

However these things happen, millions of people across the country are getting more accurate images of both groups. They understand a gay person is a well-adjusted man or woman who happens to be attracted to people of the same gender. And they understand a conservative is someone who doesn't believe in climate change, and maybe not even evolution, and enjoys hoarding weapons and highlighting the scariest parts of Atlas Shrugged.

The way forward, in both cases, is clear. Gay people should be proud of who they are. They should feel free to talk honestly, even bluntly. Conservatives should really, really do the opposite. They need to pull the plug on CPAC and encourage Michele Bachmann to build that compound she's probably sketched out. They need to fight those feelings they have about contraceptives and the gold standard. They're not right. They're not natural.

They need to find a deep, dark closet somewhere just cram themselves in there. For good.

"The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories"

Death Is Eternal, But There Are Muffins

The sad possibility is we are alone. We come into this world briefly, barely have time to learn what's happening to us, and then we are gone forever. The universe is indifferent, life without intrinsic meaning, and death lasts forever. On the other hand: muffins.

"Astride of a grave and a difficult birth," writes Beckett. "Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave digger puts on the forceps. We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries." But then one day you discover poppy seed, and it's like - Wow! That is amazing. Amazing.

A small sparrow, fragile and beautiful, flies in from the storm through a window high in the feast hall. There is a confusion of light, warmth and sound. However he soon finds the exit, and all is dark once more. Such is our earthly existence, according to the Bede. But what are they serving in that feast hall? Yes. You guessed it.

You forget about blueberry, of course. It's one of those flavors you pass by. Then on a whim, you decide to have one again, and you realize how good it is. Like you suddenly know you have a fragmentary personality and your own identity itself is an illusion. Aren't you, every moment, always leaving behind the moment before? How will death be any different? What is there to fear in such a world? Like the blueberry muffin, you perceive it in bits - a spark of discovery and sensation in an ocean of forgetfulness. But the berries are just the right kind of gooey, and the crust is perfect.

The fact that some kind of teleological meaning eludes us, that all revealed truths are hearsay, should not deter us from building a world of love and value. The muffin top is of course the pinnacle, but without the substance of the muffin it would be nothing. Nothing! Is the day to day struggle not enough to fill our hearts? Do we not each have our own night-filled mountain to contend with? One must imagine us, like Sisyphus, happy. Possibly overweight too. Which will bring death sooner. The candle burns the brighter for it, my friends.

Your doom approaches. Have a muffin.

NOTE: I write things like this at www.goblinbooks.com. Check it out. No pressure, or anything.
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