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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 459

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

They Don't Respect Second Amendment Rights At Fuddruckers

These are dark times, my friends. Obama and the globalists are working to take your guns and cause economic and cultural collapse, so they can hold ultimate power over you. Everyone who isn't afraid of the truth already knows this. These people have allies everywhere - in Hollywood and the media, and especially in big business. And, it turns out, the gun grabbers have important ties with the security staff at major restaurant franchises.

Like Fuddruckers. You think it's the kind of place that respects freedom, because it allows you to build your own hamburger from an ample condiment bar? Nothing could more untrue. It is at that casual dining establishment that you will encounter the cold iron hand of tyranny.

Like a lot of people, I know that there's nothing this administration would like more than to seize my firearms and detain me as an enemy combatant. Only the sheeple think any differently. So, I've started carrying my arsenal with me everywhere I go. I am a sovereign citizen and a part of the well-regulated militia that our Founders envisioned. You claim your unconstitutional "gun control laws" say I can't bring my legally-obtained AR-15 into a public space in order to defend myself against possible attacks by thugs and criminals and jackbooted authorities like "Gary," the assistant manager (if that's even his real name)? Molon Labe, people.


Rand Paul's Grand Slam Of Awful

Rand Paul is threatening to filibuster even those gun control bills he has not seen, and he's made it clear he opposes the kind of commonsense background checks that will help prevent dangerous people from being able to kill you.

And this completes the set. Paul is now an official member of every recent list you've seen of Republicans who voted in incomprehensible ways, because they hate it when government does its job.

He opposed the Violence Against Women Act. He was a member of the "Hurricane Sandy Hypocrites," voting against disaster relief for others after requesting it for his own people. And he was one of the sponsors of the Life At Conception Act, which would redefine a fetus as a person with full legal rights at the moment of conception.

It's clear that Rand Paul wants your uterus to be more heavily regulated than that AR-15 you need to fight the UN invasion. He opposes not just government overreach, but government, period. He's against gay rights and he's not really sure whether evolution is a thing. If the feds are going to take action to curb school massacres or respond to a life-threating catastrophe, he's one of those people who will find an excuse to bug out. And he simply doesn't respect the rights of women. In any functioning democracy when a politician makes it his business to alienate more than half of the voters and cater to people living in bunkers, we say that candidate is not serious about national office. We don't have articles about how he's bringing his crazy beliefs into the mainstream.


"Vote Sanford, South Carolina," By The People Of Other Awful States

Hey. It's Florida, Jersey, and a couple of the other guys. We're calling in a favor. We need you to elect Mark Sanford and give him a wide margin. We want a breather. No more bad press for awhile. We're tired of being known as the bad parts of the country. It's your turn, okay?

Florida is sick of everyone talking about how people are eating each other's faces off and voting Rubio. Texas wants to tone down the coverage about how you can bring a gun into a delivery room. And New Jersey just wants no one to mention it in any way. You guys are as terrible as we are. It's time people appreciated that. Vote Sanford. It's the right thing to do.

If you elect Mark Sanford, it will confirm every stereotype of asinine, hypocritical social conservatives who don't even know the Bible they like to beat other people up with. He's an embarrassment. Just the kind of embarrassment we need now. Especially Georgia: They recently kicked off Confederate Heritage and History Month, and there is no way that's not going to look ugly. Please. Help us out.

For the people who spent last week hyperventilating about gay marriage to turn around and vote for a guy who broke every commandment Jesus gave about sexual morality would be hilarious and pathetic. And it's something that should happen in the Palmetto State, because Mississippi had that whole thing about not ending slavery until last month, and they can't take much more, okay?


The Defense Of Marriage Act Sex Scandal Roundup!

While the Supreme Court ruminates on the constitutional issues of the Defense of Marriage Act, can we take a moment to remember the stinking hypocrisy of the thing? Can we remember clearly the men who passed it through Congress and made it the law of the land, and what contemptible, laughably phony jackasses they were?

Rep. Bob Barr was on his third marriage when he first sponsored the bill. As CNN reports, his second wife repeatedly accused him of having an affair during divorce proceedings, and Barr did not deny it. The bill went to the House Judiciary Committee, chaired by Henry Hyde, who would later publicly admit he had cheated on his wife, calling the matter a "youthful indiscretion," even though the affair happened in his forties. It passed the House under the leadership of Newt Gingrich, who was cheating on his second wife at the time. Around the same period, according to this woman, Gingrich told her about the infidelity and tried to get her to agree to an open marriage. The bill passed the Senate, whose president pro tem, Strom Thurmond, had an illegitimate daughter he didn't acknowledge because she was African American, and he was, of course, a racist. The bill was eventually signed by - wait for it, it's delicious - President Clinton. Yes, the people arguably most responsible for this bill have themselves treated marriage vows and family loyalties as optional.

It gets worse. One of the early supporters on the judiciary committee was entertainer turned politician Sonny Bono. He was on his fourth marriage at the time, and according to a Parade Magazine interview with his ex-wife Cher, he was repeatedly unfaithful:

"Stardom made Sonny a huge womanizer," Cher told Parade. "One woman, or even five, was not enough for him."

We're not even near done...


Everyone Knows A Gay Person. Everyone Knows A Conservative.

We're in the middle of a stunning upsurge of support for gay people and an equally stunning collapse of support for conservatives. And I believe the reasons are the same: More and more people actually know them.

When the Supreme Court holds hearings on Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act this week, Chief Justice Roberts' gay cousin will be in attendance. This is symbolic of the place we've reached as a country. While Roberts wrestles with his decision, he will have the benefit of understanding that people in the LGBT community are responsible members of society who just want the same rights as the rest of us. And we, the public, also know, through personal experience, that Roberts himself was recommended to the bench by a halfwit who thought Jesus Christ actually told him to launch a preemptive war on Iraq.

The effect is undeniable. Back in 2009, Andrew Sullivan cited Gallup research that showed how being acquainted with a gay person made one more likely to favor same-sex marriage rights. And watching a parade of scary old men openly air their opinions on rape and abortion caused much of the electorate to decide they didn't want them to be in politics ever again.

With increased openness, you can encounter gay people or conservatives anywhere. You might meet a coworker's partner at a company lunch, say, or have an old friend post a picture of an aborted fetus on your Facebook page. Maybe an older relative finally has the courage to express himself - and he either tells you he's going to start dating, or he sends you an email with a racist picture of the president.

However these things happen, millions of people across the country are getting more accurate images of both groups. They understand a gay person is a well-adjusted man or woman who happens to be attracted to people of the same gender. And they understand a conservative is someone who doesn't believe in climate change, and maybe not even evolution, and enjoys hoarding weapons and highlighting the scariest parts of Atlas Shrugged.

The way forward, in both cases, is clear. Gay people should be proud of who they are. They should feel free to talk honestly, even bluntly. Conservatives should really, really do the opposite. They need to pull the plug on CPAC and encourage Michele Bachmann to build that compound she's probably sketched out. They need to fight those feelings they have about contraceptives and the gold standard. They're not right. They're not natural.

They need to find a deep, dark closet somewhere just cram themselves in there. For good.

"The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories"

Death Is Eternal, But There Are Muffins

The sad possibility is we are alone. We come into this world briefly, barely have time to learn what's happening to us, and then we are gone forever. The universe is indifferent, life without intrinsic meaning, and death lasts forever. On the other hand: muffins.

"Astride of a grave and a difficult birth," writes Beckett. "Down in the hole, lingeringly, the grave digger puts on the forceps. We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries." But then one day you discover poppy seed, and it's like - Wow! That is amazing. Amazing.

A small sparrow, fragile and beautiful, flies in from the storm through a window high in the feast hall. There is a confusion of light, warmth and sound. However he soon finds the exit, and all is dark once more. Such is our earthly existence, according to the Bede. But what are they serving in that feast hall? Yes. You guessed it.

You forget about blueberry, of course. It's one of those flavors you pass by. Then on a whim, you decide to have one again, and you realize how good it is. Like you suddenly know you have a fragmentary personality and your own identity itself is an illusion. Aren't you, every moment, always leaving behind the moment before? How will death be any different? What is there to fear in such a world? Like the blueberry muffin, you perceive it in bits - a spark of discovery and sensation in an ocean of forgetfulness. But the berries are just the right kind of gooey, and the crust is perfect.

The fact that some kind of teleological meaning eludes us, that all revealed truths are hearsay, should not deter us from building a world of love and value. The muffin top is of course the pinnacle, but without the substance of the muffin it would be nothing. Nothing! Is the day to day struggle not enough to fill our hearts? Do we not each have our own night-filled mountain to contend with? One must imagine us, like Sisyphus, happy. Possibly overweight too. Which will bring death sooner. The candle burns the brighter for it, my friends.

Your doom approaches. Have a muffin.

NOTE: I write things like this at www.goblinbooks.com. Check it out. No pressure, or anything.

Three Reasons You'll See More States' Rights Rhetoric Against Gay Marriage

A great age of Republican whining is upon us. Across the country, people are accepting same-sex marriage. It is becoming a losing issue for the right, and some politicians are even changing their minds about the whole thing. But generally, conservatives are responding to this by quibbling about the particulars, as George Will did last week. One thing you are seeing - and will continue to see - is the argument that "I personally feel X about the issue, but let the states decide, for goshsakes." Will himself just wrote a states' rights column on DOMA, Marco Rubio loudly defended a states' rights position at CPAC, Carly Fiorina was jabbering about it recently, and Washington Post conservative Jennifer Rubin wrote an approving piece on Rand Paul's view of the matter. Many Republicans will follow along, and your scary prehistoric uncle will be talking about how he doesn't mind the gays, but federalism's important, dammit, in the coming months. Here are three reasons:

1. The GOP wants plausible deniability for their bigots. The Republican "autopsy report" came up with a plan for increasing its supporters among Hispanics, Asians, women, African Americans, and young people. Guess which group didn't make the cut? To be fair, the report does nominally list gay Americans as one of its campaign targets. But it gives the other groups each a detailed section on strategy, on how to make this happen. Instead of really worrying about gaining gay votes, the report makes it clear that the Republicans are more concerned about how the issue looks to another group, young people:

Already, there is a generational difference within the conservative movement about issues involving the treatment and the rights of gays — and for many younger voters, these issues are a gateway into whether the Party is a place they want to be.

It's not about winning actual gay people. It's about convincing the 22 year-olds who just read The Fountainhead that they're not going to get too much hassle from their gay friends and relatives if they vote Big Red. Why?

2. The 2014 election will raise the stakes of 2004 for the base. People have analyzed - and criticized - the notion that putting gay marriage bans on state ballots during the 2004 race increased Republican votes. The idea is that the kinds of people who wanted this to pass were going to show up in greater numbers, and pull the lever for the Republicans while they were there. This report from scholars at the University of Florida concluded that the measure in Ohio did not increase overall turnout, but it did provide more support for Bush. The results were mixed, but there's evidence the GOP tried it again in 2006.

Now however, it's different, because social conservatives are on the defensive. Over the next two years, a dozen states will probably be adopting measures to legalize same-sex marriage. If you are a member of the religious right, what you will see if you fail this time won't be the status quo - it will be a whole new rainbow-colored world. Republicans might not be able to reliably pump up the social conservative vote with a same-sex ban, but obviously they can alienate these people by moving too far to the left while the groups are facing what they consider a serious struggle. GOP candidates will need a way to gain moderate votes by appearing to "soften" on the issue, while still signaling to the hard right that they identify with their cause. How will they do this?


Republicans Embarrassed To Mention Delicate Lady-Issues

Dear Gentlemen of the GOP:

I see that you've come out with an "autopsy" report about what went wrong last election. I think that's just great. It's a good start. You're growing up and discovering the whole big world out there. Sorry if I sound emotional. But it's not every day that a group of wealthy aging men learn to take responsibility for themselves.

That's why I think it's time we talked about, y'know, women. You Republicans are trying to figure out why ladies don't like you.

"There is growing unrest within the community of Republican women frustrated by the Party’s negative image among women," the report says. This is a nice start, fellas. And here's what's even better: "Our candidates, spokespeople and staff need to use language that addresses concerns that are on women’s minds in order to let them know we are fighting for them."

See? This isn't going to be too hard.

You folks need to be blunt about your shortcomings. Don't be shy, guys. Women are people - they're not another species or anything. They actually made up 53 percent of the electorate in 2012 according to your own data. And Obama had an 11 point lead with them! You won't close that gap without facing some difficult truths about just what's going on with the fairer sex. And what's going on with them is really understandable. It's not a big mystery or anything. They just need some basic respect.

Here's where we get to real problem. You guys ready? Okay... After talking about how important it is to talk about women's issues, your report is weirdly silent about exactly what those are. It's like you got all tongue-tied or something.

Here are words you won't find anywhere in the document...


Nobody Mentions The Maulings Of Narnia

Yes, maulings. There I said it. I guess I'm going to be the one to talk about this. Someone has to. People in Narnia are getting killed or seriously wounded almost every day, and no one wants to tell you the reason, but we all know what it is, don't we? It's because we're being led by a 500 lb. adult male lion. And that, friends, is pretty stupid.

Is he good-looking? Yep. Is he smart? Sure, for a lion, he's pretty bright. Did he help us defeat the witch? Of course, because if you get a lion pissed off enough it'll go after anything.

But face it: He sleeps all day, and when he wakes up he might grunt or roar, and everybody exclaims "Oh wait, the lion's talking!" or "The lion just spoke to me!" or some kind of nonsense like that. But we're all just throwing buckets of hamburger at it, so it'll get full and pass out again. And then every once in awhile, it gets bored and takes down one of us like an antelope, and people start saying stuff about "the inscrutable will of the lion" or the "problem of lion bites." But we're ignoring the obvious, here. We're getting clawed up, because someone somewhere decided it would be a good idea to have a wild lion around and try to talk to it.

Okay, the Pevensie kids. Yes, I'm glad you mentioned them. I'm really happy you brought it up. Because - and I'm sorry if this is rude - I'd like to point out that no one has seen any of the Pevensie kids for a long, long time. You think that's a little odd?...


"Jonathan Swift: Republican Hero" By Paul Ryan

Since its St. Patrick's Day I wanted to tell you about one of my favorite political philosophers, the great Irish writer Jonathan Swift. I want my Republican colleagues to read his work. Even though he lived almost three centuries ago, Swift's vision of liberty and free enterprise are the keys to renewing this party and this country today. How?

First, Swift believed in market-based solutions. During his time, horrible economic conditions were all around him. And what he realized was that heavy regulation was holding back the poor of Ireland. The government had laws in place - some of them quite ancient - that prevented ordinary entrepreneurs from reaching a practical and obvious solution to their crisis. People know how to solve their own problems if you let them. The government just gets in the way.

Second, Swift believed in not ducking the tough calls. He anticipated that people might criticize his proposals. He knew some would see them as harsh, maybe even radical. But leaders have to lead. Our party must continue to have the courage to implement solid pro-growth policies. Swift wasn't trying to make friends. He was trying to find answers.

Third, Swift believed in families. Today people are criticizing Republicans for their social conservatism. But we know that traditional families are the building blocks of our civilization. It takes a man and a woman to make a marriage, because it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. And babies are the key to a vibrant economy. Jonathan Swift knew that, and he wasn't afraid to say so.

"Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy," he wrote, "as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow..."

It's about a thing called values, okay?

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