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paulbibeau

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 446

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

Republicans Embarrassed To Mention Delicate Lady-Issues

Dear Gentlemen of the GOP:

I see that you've come out with an "autopsy" report about what went wrong last election. I think that's just great. It's a good start. You're growing up and discovering the whole big world out there. Sorry if I sound emotional. But it's not every day that a group of wealthy aging men learn to take responsibility for themselves.

That's why I think it's time we talked about, y'know, women. You Republicans are trying to figure out why ladies don't like you.

"There is growing unrest within the community of Republican women frustrated by the Party’s negative image among women," the report says. This is a nice start, fellas. And here's what's even better: "Our candidates, spokespeople and staff need to use language that addresses concerns that are on women’s minds in order to let them know we are fighting for them."

See? This isn't going to be too hard.

You folks need to be blunt about your shortcomings. Don't be shy, guys. Women are people - they're not another species or anything. They actually made up 53 percent of the electorate in 2012 according to your own data. And Obama had an 11 point lead with them! You won't close that gap without facing some difficult truths about just what's going on with the fairer sex. And what's going on with them is really understandable. It's not a big mystery or anything. They just need some basic respect.

Here's where we get to real problem. You guys ready? Okay... After talking about how important it is to talk about women's issues, your report is weirdly silent about exactly what those are. It's like you got all tongue-tied or something.

Here are words you won't find anywhere in the document...

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/republicans-embarrassed-to-mention.html#.UUmdExXD8cA

Nobody Mentions The Maulings Of Narnia

Yes, maulings. There I said it. I guess I'm going to be the one to talk about this. Someone has to. People in Narnia are getting killed or seriously wounded almost every day, and no one wants to tell you the reason, but we all know what it is, don't we? It's because we're being led by a 500 lb. adult male lion. And that, friends, is pretty stupid.

Is he good-looking? Yep. Is he smart? Sure, for a lion, he's pretty bright. Did he help us defeat the witch? Of course, because if you get a lion pissed off enough it'll go after anything.

But face it: He sleeps all day, and when he wakes up he might grunt or roar, and everybody exclaims "Oh wait, the lion's talking!" or "The lion just spoke to me!" or some kind of nonsense like that. But we're all just throwing buckets of hamburger at it, so it'll get full and pass out again. And then every once in awhile, it gets bored and takes down one of us like an antelope, and people start saying stuff about "the inscrutable will of the lion" or the "problem of lion bites." But we're ignoring the obvious, here. We're getting clawed up, because someone somewhere decided it would be a good idea to have a wild lion around and try to talk to it.

Okay, the Pevensie kids. Yes, I'm glad you mentioned them. I'm really happy you brought it up. Because - and I'm sorry if this is rude - I'd like to point out that no one has seen any of the Pevensie kids for a long, long time. You think that's a little odd?...

READ THE REST HERE:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/nobody-mentions-maulings-of-narnia.html#.UUdTkxXD8cA

"Jonathan Swift: Republican Hero" By Paul Ryan

Since its St. Patrick's Day I wanted to tell you about one of my favorite political philosophers, the great Irish writer Jonathan Swift. I want my Republican colleagues to read his work. Even though he lived almost three centuries ago, Swift's vision of liberty and free enterprise are the keys to renewing this party and this country today. How?

First, Swift believed in market-based solutions. During his time, horrible economic conditions were all around him. And what he realized was that heavy regulation was holding back the poor of Ireland. The government had laws in place - some of them quite ancient - that prevented ordinary entrepreneurs from reaching a practical and obvious solution to their crisis. People know how to solve their own problems if you let them. The government just gets in the way.

Second, Swift believed in not ducking the tough calls. He anticipated that people might criticize his proposals. He knew some would see them as harsh, maybe even radical. But leaders have to lead. Our party must continue to have the courage to implement solid pro-growth policies. Swift wasn't trying to make friends. He was trying to find answers.

Third, Swift believed in families. Today people are criticizing Republicans for their social conservatism. But we know that traditional families are the building blocks of our civilization. It takes a man and a woman to make a marriage, because it takes a man and a woman to make a baby. And babies are the key to a vibrant economy. Jonathan Swift knew that, and he wasn't afraid to say so.

"Men would become as fond of their wives during the time of their pregnancy," he wrote, "as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to farrow..."

It's about a thing called values, okay?

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/jonathan-swift-republican-hero-by-paul.html#.UUXIohXD8cA

God Never Sends You More Cobras Than You Can Handle!

You have to wonder sometimes why bad things happen. Good people are out there facing unemployment, loneliness, sickness, personal tragedy... I mean, the list is endless. But I really, truly believe that suffering is somehow for our benefit. That it has a purpose - even if we can't always know what the purpose is. I'm absolutely certain there's a reason why I was just bitten by five cobras.

Sure I have questions. Everyone does on this crazy planet. Like, if God is all-powerful and all-good, why would He create a universe with pain in it? How can a Supreme Being justify the evils we see all around us? There are some things I don't think we'll ever know, maybe as long as we're alive. Maybe our doubts and our uncertainty are part of the struggle.

Also, why exactly did I mail-order a half dozen cobras from some website? That's another one I'm not sure about. It's a mystery, and mysteries are here to help us to learn about trust and perseverance, even when we can't get all the answers. Another question of course, is the location of the sixth cobra. But I totally think God wants me to find that out.

Anyway, the point of life is not the resolution at the end. It's the journey. The learning process. The attempt to fight these feelings of fear, and also muscle cramps and blurred vision, and reach my cellphone in time to call some paramedics...

READ THE REST:
http://www.paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/god-never-sends-you-more-cobras-than.html#.UUSxkxXD8cA

A Message To CPAC From Something Caught In The La Brea Tar Pits

Guys, please stop.

Quit struggling. Struggling only makes it worse. Believe me, I know. If one of your main speakers is Sarah Palin, it is time to just admit you've lost. She sort of defines what losing is, right? Losing, at its worst, is becoming a terrible caricature of everything that's wrong with your side. I mean, I chewed off my own paw in frustration, and even I have the presence of mind to know inviting her was a bad move.

God, this is just painful for the rest of us to watch. Right now I have a dire wolf who's trapped here with me, and he's howling and trying to eat my face. And that's still way, way better than being stuck in a hotel room next to Rick Perry.

Why would you do this to yourselves? I'm a dumb animal, and I have no clue what viscosity is. You, on the other hand...

READ THE REST
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-message-to-cpac-from-something-caught.html#.UUCfVRXD8cA

SATIRE - I Just Got Bids From My Three Favorite Militias! - SATIRE

SATIRE

I don't know what to do. SATIRE This is so exciting, and it's happening too fast for me to process it, really. Let me just say that I think all you guys in the Patriot Resistance, the Minutemen Alliance, and the Constitutional Guards - all of you are absolutely amazing people. It has been great to meet you, and I feel like I've just learned so much... about myself... about SATIRE concealed carry laws and purifying water... about more than I could name. Anyone would be lucky to be a part of your organizations.

SATIRE - It just got hidden, because I'm supposedly spreading conspiracy theories, but it's SATIRE.

I love this process. SATIRE I really think it helps you connect with the different militia groups and find out which one is a good fit for you. If you have the right attitude! I can't stress that enough. I've seen a lot of people put way, way too much emphasis on legacies. Just because your parents want to dissolve the IRS and go back to the gold standard doesn't mean that you have to do the same. Maybe you want to patrol the border with Mexico, or prepare to fight firearm confiscation by the UN instead. Follow your heart, okay?

CAN YOU REALLY THINK THAT A POST COMPARING MILITIA GROUPS TO SORORITY RUSH ISN'T SATIRE?

The Patriot Resistance - the PRs - started out as my top choice, because they just have that reputation for energy and spirit. And the first mixer when we all played memory games while we laid concertina wire around the perimeter was a real blast. I just felt like a PR, right there. But then I learned how the MA has a tradition of community service - they're constantly drilling to evacuate civilians in the event of an attack by FEMA shock troops.

SATIRE - DOES EVERYONE ON DU JURIES LACK BASIC READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS?

It touched me; it did. Now the Guards get blamed for - I'll make some enemies here, but I'll just go ahead and say it - having "an attitude." They're quieter and they're a little more withdrawn. Those first couple of nights when we learned about the true history of the Federal Reserve made me think I should just give it up. But those guys have a real bond. It's not as flashy, but it's intense. And when you're planning on waging a guerilla war against your nation's own army, you suddenly see why they're so awesome.

SATIRE - Do you not want anyone to ever write anything that's weird or challenging on your site again? Seriously. SATIRE.

Satire Satire Bobatire, Banana Fanna Fo-Fatire, Meee Mi Mo Matire. SATIRE.

READ THE REST OF THIS (SATIRE) HERE:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3g3xXD8cA

My piece on militias just got hidden

I wrote a satire comparing joining a militia to sorority rush, and it just got hidden because they really didn't understand that I was mocking militias.

http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3TvxXD8cA

I think the DU system allows the most clueless people to hide things that otherwise might challenge people and make this place more fun and interesting. Just my opinion. Make your own judgment.

I Just Got Bids From My Three Favorite Militias!

I don't know what to do. This is so exciting, and it's happening too fast for me to process it, really. Let me just say that I think all you guys in the Patriot Resistance, the Minutemen Alliance, and the Constitutional Guards - all of you are absolutely amazing people. It has been great to meet you, and I feel like I've just learned so much... about myself... about concealed carry laws and purifying water... about more than I could name. Anyone would be lucky to be a part of your organizations.

I love this process. I really think it helps you connect with the different militia groups and find out which one is a good fit for you. If you have the right attitude! I can't stress that enough. I've seen a lot of people put way, way too much emphasis on legacies. Just because your parents want to dissolve the IRS and go back to the gold standard doesn't mean that you have to do the same. Maybe you want to patrol the border with Mexico, or prepare to fight firearm confiscation by the UN instead. Follow your heart, okay?

The Patriot Resistance - the PRs - started out as my top choice, because they just have that reputation for energy and spirit. And the first mixer when we all played memory games while we laid concertina wire around the perimeter was a real blast. I just felt like a PR, right there. But then I learned how the MA has a tradition of community service - they're constantly drilling to evacuate civilians in the event of an attack by FEMA shock troops. It touched me; it did. Now the Guards get blamed for - I'll make some enemies here, but I'll just go ahead and say it - having "an attitude." They're quieter and they're a little more withdrawn. Those first couple of nights when we learned about the true history of the Federal Reserve made me think I should just give it up. But those guys have a real bond. It's not as flashy, but it's intense. And when you're planning on waging a guerilla war against your nation's own army, you suddenly see why they're so awesome.

Anyway, they all came by yesterday...

READ THE END:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/i-just-got-bids-from-my-three-favorite.html#.UT3JbxXD8cA

Today Is All About Enjoying The Crawlspace

Busy. We're all so busy. I'm sure you've been juggling a million projects right now. I've been working nonstop for the past few days myself - trying to pull my leg out from under this pipe somehow. And our projects are important. But we have to remember to take time out and experience life, you know? Otherwise, what's it all for? That's why today I'm going to relax and just enjoy this crawlspace.

Go on a vacation - even if it's only a daytrip with the family. Or pick up the phone and reconnect with an old friend. Anything to slow down and truly appreciate what you've got. Right now I'm finally going to take a few hours and play with this gravel here. Some of it's really sparkly!

We're so afraid of "being lazy" or "slacking off," we forget how important it is to recharge. Clearing your head and having a break is the key to realizing your goals. Because if you don't ever do these things, you'll just burn out. For example, I spent a solid 24 hours screaming for help that first horrible day when part of the floor caved in on me and I realized I'd left my cellphone back in the car. And you know what? I completely lost my voice. I felt very foolish, let me tell you. Especially since it left me too weak to fend off the first wave of rats which descended on me like something out of a nightmare. I thought to myself, "Kyle, you need to work smarter, not harder."

Boy, did I learn that lesson. I will never ever forget it.

However you're not just taking a break to be a better worker. You're doing it to have a better life. And isn't that the most important thing of all? We're here only briefly in this crazy world. Sure, some days can seem endless, when you're pounding away at your job, and you don't even feel like anyone's noticing, because the groundskeeper is hundreds of yards away, and the stupid son of a bitch has his headphones on. But you must know that these are the good times, and they're going to be gone soon. I have to tell myself that, again and again.

We can only go forward, never back. Time passes swiftly, and behind us are only memories, and sheets of filthy insulation packed impossibly tight. Whatever we're doing to make our lives meaningful - working for some career goal, or scratching away with a piece of rebar at the concrete so we can possibly loosen an air duct that might access something, anything at all - we must remember that happiness is just like those rats. It's all around us.

Bill Clinton, Gay Rights, And The Parable Of Steve

Bill Clinton just penned an editorial revealing that he's apparently discovered that the Defense of Marriage Act, which he signed into law, is in fact unconstitutional and wrong. In that spirit, let me tell you about Steve:

Steve has a beautiful house, a loving family, and an adorable collie named Mr. Sparks.

One night the Republicans show up on his lawn. They want to burn everything to the ground and kill the dog. Let's say it's something they found in the Bible.

Anyway Bill Clinton shows up. He argues with them on behalf of Steve.

"What you're doing to this man is wrong, I tell you. Wrong," he says. He sounds concerned and full of silken gravitas. "Take everything in the house, if you must. But torching this beautiful place and ending a dog's life goes against our values."

The Republicans agree. The two sides of the government come together in a spirit of compromise. GOP operatives load all of Steve's belongings into their trucks and drive away. Clinton winks.

"Best deal I could get for ya, buddy."

Then the police show up. They don't need to talk to Steve about what happened, because Bill Clinton gives a statement for the investigators that sounds like a stirring call for bipartisanship. The cops are tearing up as they write it. Steve thanks Clinton, who shakes the man's hand and then leaves with his wife.

Steve takes the remainder of his family and goes back to huddle in their living room, which is now ice-cold, because someone wrecked the heating system, just to be mean. That night, Mr. Sparks runs away. Newt Gingrich sees him on a street later, and hits him with his car.


READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2013/03/bill-clinton-gay-rights-and-parable-of.html#.UTn9yxUo4cA
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