Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 434
Number of posts: 434
I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com
Busy. We're all so busy. I'm sure you've been juggling a million projects right now. I've been working nonstop for the past few days myself - trying to pull my leg out from under this pipe somehow. And our projects are important. But we have to remember to take time out and experience life, you know? Otherwise, what's it all for? That's why today I'm going to relax and just enjoy this crawlspace.
Go on a vacation - even if it's only a daytrip with the family. Or pick up the phone and reconnect with an old friend. Anything to slow down and truly appreciate what you've got. Right now I'm finally going to take a few hours and play with this gravel here. Some of it's really sparkly!
We're so afraid of "being lazy" or "slacking off," we forget how important it is to recharge. Clearing your head and having a break is the key to realizing your goals. Because if you don't ever do these things, you'll just burn out. For example, I spent a solid 24 hours screaming for help that first horrible day when part of the floor caved in on me and I realized I'd left my cellphone back in the car. And you know what? I completely lost my voice. I felt very foolish, let me tell you. Especially since it left me too weak to fend off the first wave of rats which descended on me like something out of a nightmare. I thought to myself, "Kyle, you need to work smarter, not harder."
Boy, did I learn that lesson. I will never ever forget it.
However you're not just taking a break to be a better worker. You're doing it to have a better life. And isn't that the most important thing of all? We're here only briefly in this crazy world. Sure, some days can seem endless, when you're pounding away at your job, and you don't even feel like anyone's noticing, because the groundskeeper is hundreds of yards away, and the stupid son of a bitch has his headphones on. But you must know that these are the good times, and they're going to be gone soon. I have to tell myself that, again and again.
We can only go forward, never back. Time passes swiftly, and behind us are only memories, and sheets of filthy insulation packed impossibly tight. Whatever we're doing to make our lives meaningful - working for some career goal, or scratching away with a piece of rebar at the concrete so we can possibly loosen an air duct that might access something, anything at all - we must remember that happiness is just like those rats. It's all around us.
Posted by paulbibeau | Sat Mar 9, 2013, 10:05 AM (22 replies)
Bill Clinton just penned an editorial revealing that he's apparently discovered that the Defense of Marriage Act, which he signed into law, is in fact unconstitutional and wrong. In that spirit, let me tell you about Steve:
Steve has a beautiful house, a loving family, and an adorable collie named Mr. Sparks.
One night the Republicans show up on his lawn. They want to burn everything to the ground and kill the dog. Let's say it's something they found in the Bible.
Anyway Bill Clinton shows up. He argues with them on behalf of Steve.
"What you're doing to this man is wrong, I tell you. Wrong," he says. He sounds concerned and full of silken gravitas. "Take everything in the house, if you must. But torching this beautiful place and ending a dog's life goes against our values."
The Republicans agree. The two sides of the government come together in a spirit of compromise. GOP operatives load all of Steve's belongings into their trucks and drive away. Clinton winks.
"Best deal I could get for ya, buddy."
Then the police show up. They don't need to talk to Steve about what happened, because Bill Clinton gives a statement for the investigators that sounds like a stirring call for bipartisanship. The cops are tearing up as they write it. Steve thanks Clinton, who shakes the man's hand and then leaves with his wife.
Steve takes the remainder of his family and goes back to huddle in their living room, which is now ice-cold, because someone wrecked the heating system, just to be mean. That night, Mr. Sparks runs away. Newt Gingrich sees him on a street later, and hits him with his car.
READ THE REST:
Posted by paulbibeau | Fri Mar 8, 2013, 10:05 AM (0 replies)
Yes, he's a nut. Yes, he's wrong on everything else. Yes, he's a hypocrite. Yes, he probably has a relationship to The Fountainhead that's sexual.
Take all those facts, and then reflect on how much they make those four little words sting.
Because those four little words are undeniable.
We should be making this same argument, only louder. We should be doing this.
Let's get our spine back, Democrats. We're progressives and Americans for a reason. We're supposed to believe in things. Many of you already understand this. A lot of you, and that makes me happy. But I think all of us need to speak with one voice. We need to write our Congresspeople.
Don't let Rand Paul be the good guy in this.
IMPORTANT UPDATE: Use of the terms "stopped clock" or "broken watch" is now officially closed. We've exhausted them. Also... most of us use digital. Acceptable substitute is "Lindsay Lohan." As in, "Even Lindsay Lohan is right twice a day."
Posted by paulbibeau | Thu Mar 7, 2013, 08:53 AM (166 replies)
My fellow Americans: Let's all calm down for a minute, okay? People have completely lost perspective over my letter to Rand Paul stating we could order a drone strike on US soil. So, let's make the facts clear:
We haven't done it.
We certainly don't plan on doing it.
And anyway, when it happens, you probably won't even know the guy we blow up.
Do you know how unlikely that would be? There are more than 300 million Americans right now. Statistically, we would have to use lethal military force on a massive number of them before you'd have a real chance of being acquainted.
Believe me, we've looked into it.
If we decide, for whatever reason, to send a team of special operators into a house somewhere in the US to shoot someone through the eye, it's not like we're going to pick anyone with a huge number of friends. Paris Hilton isn't going to be Tweeting about it, trust me. The people whose lives might need to be ended in some kind of extrajudicial strike are not connected to a large social network. And that network could be closed off quietly and completely. If it were necessary to do so, which it probably won't be, right?
Did you know there are towns in rural parts of the country where people almost never cross state lines? Seriously. No one would know for days if we got rid of them all. If we needed to that is, in a completely unprecedented and hypothetical scenario, that I have to stress will never ever happen, most likely.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Thu Mar 7, 2013, 07:11 AM (7 replies)
It was a real mystery. Every week, someone had been mailing me an envelope stuffed with singles and quarters. The postmark was always from northern Virginia, but there was never a return address. Then last November I got a padded envelope that was soaked with juice - inside was a crushed Capri Sun and a scribbled note:
I forgot and accidentally bought this. Please please don't kill me.
Anyway, last night someone from Politico called me to ask me about it. They said the money was from Woodward.
"Why have you been extorting the lunch money from our nation's most famous investigative journalist?" the reporter demanded. I thought it was my buddy Dave pranking me at first. It took awhile to realize the guy on the other end was serious. And then I had more questions than answers.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Fri Mar 1, 2013, 07:48 AM (14 replies)
I'm not going to pretend I fully understand what happened. I don't, okay?
All I know is I come home to find the President and the Speaker of the House standing around in my kitchen with dazed looks. Plus, there's a dead kitten on the floor and a handgun on the table.
"You didn't lock the front door, so we figured we'd just come in," Boehner says helpfully. But that obviously doesn't exactly answer my real question:
"Guys... Um, who exactly shot the kitten?"
And as you can guess, what follows is a long story. They're arguing and gesturing wildly at each other. It gets weird and complicated. And both of them repeatedly say that ending a kitten's life with a powerful firearm was the absolute last thing they wanted to do. They both agree it was egregiously stupid and cruel.
In fact it was so stupid and cruel that it was the perfect motivator, really - because who the hell just breaks into someone's home and puts a bullet into a cute, furry creature, and then waits for the owner to come back? Who does that? Wouldn't it be the thing we both agreed we'd never ever do, and therefore the thing that would force us to hammer out a deal? You get the idea.
READ THE REST HERE:
Posted by paulbibeau | Fri Mar 1, 2013, 07:47 AM (5 replies)
I'm a paste eater. Been that way since I was a child. As the new kid in Kindergarten back at Oswald Elementary in eastern Texas, it was hard to make friends. People didn't seem to know I was even in the room. And then one day, I grabbed a spoon and tucked into a tub of Elmer's Kraft-Pal No. 23. Folks gathered round. Girls took notice. And I'm never going back, friends.
Look at me. Isn't it obvious?
So I just want to make it clear that, if it comes down to it - if I need to get your attention - I will eat some paste to do so. Right now I'm getting great coverage for saying Chuck Hagel might work for the North Koreans and that people in Harvard are Communists who want to overthrow the government. The liberals are freaking out and calling me Joe McCarthy.
See? I know what I'm doing.
It's a good time for people like me. The Tea Party and the extreme right have been smacked down at the polls, and the GOP is scrambling to reinvent itself and still get our votes. But my supporters don't care about that...
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Posted by paulbibeau | Wed Feb 27, 2013, 11:54 AM (0 replies)
"The Republican Party is attempting to broaden its appeal to the nation's union members through a newly formed labor advisory council." - Miami Herald, 6/18/82
"Republicans have found themselves on the short end of the 'gender gap,' as women have moved toward the Democratic party in recent years. But it is 'not irreversible,' says Representative Snowe." - Christian Science Monitor, 3/21/83
"As some Republicans at the Staunton meeting suggested, the party should try harder to broaden its appeal, especially to blacks." - Richmond Times-Dispatch, 12/12/85
"More than any other potential Republican contender, Robertson hits the social issues that arouse and energize conservatives. Republican strategists are concerned that a Robertson candidacy could restrict the party's efforts to broaden its appeal by re-igniting an emotional debate on such issues as abortion, school prayer and homosexuality." - Daily News of Los Angeles, 3/23/86
"Specifically, Mr. Fahrenkopf called on the GOP to broaden its appeal to a wider constituency. Republicans urgently need to win adherents among blacks, Hispanics, Roman Catholics, and labor union members, he says. Fahrenkopf believes that this can be accomplished if the GOP becomes known as `the party of responsibility and compassion.' The chairman charges that too often Republicans have failed to adapt to the new ethnic politics that is so important in many regions of the nation. The GOP has given the impression that `we were closed to all except direct descendants of the Mayflower,' he points out." - Christian Science Monitor, 3/17/87
"In the days leading up to the Republican National Convention, Bush's campaign concentrated heavily on both the symbols and the issues in an anxious effort to solve 'the woman problem' - the nagging polls that show women favoring Bush's opponent, Michael S. Dukakis, by anywhere from 17 to 32 percentage points." - Philadelphia Inquirer, 8/15/88
"As Kemp told a Republican audience in Wisconsin in 1986, the party had to broaden its appeal." - State Journal-Register, 1/16/89
"If the Republican Party holds on to the White House in 1992 but gains no ground in the House or Senate, it will have lost a rare opportunity to broaden its appeal among voters." - State Journal-Register, 4/29/91
"It is also a blow to the Republican Party, which has sought to broaden its appeal to minority voters and does not want to enter the 1992 presidential as the party that put an ex-Klan member in a statehouse." - Dallas Morning News, 10/21/91
Does this insanity continue? Yes. Yes it does:
Posted by paulbibeau | Mon Feb 25, 2013, 08:00 AM (4 replies)
Come back, man. Come back to the factory. You've done everything you could. But it's time to admit it's over.
We haven't always agreed, but I supported you when you decided to go into politics. I was thrilled and very proud when you became Speaker - you know that. And I'll be honest, a guy with my workplace safety record is never going to be a real fan of regulation. We always saw eye to eye on that, Johnnie! Heh.
But the point is, you wanted to go to Washington to accomplish something. And that's not going to happen. You are setting yourself up for failure, my friend. Remember that guy who fell into the Crumbler, before it finished cycling? That's what the GOP is looking like these days. And you're all mixed up in it.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Thu Feb 21, 2013, 01:31 PM (0 replies)
Markie. Caught the campaign ad the other day. I wish you would have asked Me about it first... because I'm not going to support you. I figured you'd want to know as soon as possible. Take the thing down before you embarrass yourself.
You're right about Me - I am definitely the God of second chances. But - and there's no nice way to put this - you are way, way past second.
Let's have a quick tally.
Actual Commandments you've broken:
Adultery, several counts of bearing false witness, and misuse of public funds, which counts as stealing. That's three right there, okay?
Then the rules Jesus added in the Sermon on the Mount about lust in your heart and swapping your spouse for a new model. You broke those too. Please go ahead and read that whole thing again.
Anyway, this brings us to...
6. Humiliating your wife by cheating on her in the most public way possible.
And of course proving that you are hypocritical garbage by...
7. Voting to impeach Bill Clinton and telling CNN in 1999, "The issue of lying is probably the biggest harm, if you will, to the system of democratic government, representative government, because it undermines trust. And if you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything."
8. Opposing gay marriage, and even civil unions, and voting against gay adoption in Congress. I should count that as more than one thing, but let's just keep moving.
9. You announced in 2009 that your political career was over. That's more a broken promise than a lie. But when you said it, you added this: "This is truly not about Mark Sanford anymore.'' And that was definitely a lie. A whopper, Mark. You've never felt that sentiment in your entire narcissistic life.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Tue Feb 19, 2013, 05:37 AM (3 replies)