Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 441
Number of posts: 441
I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com
My fellow Americans:
Like many of you I was shocked and saddened to read the newspaper and learn about the intrusive surveillance on millions of... Ha! Just kidding there.
Anyway, I didn't intend to get like this. Honest I didn't. It's just at some point in in my first term I kinda realized you folks weren't really putting any pressure on me to dismantle the hideous security state we had. It was weird. I mean, we got flack from a few Kucinich types and the sort of people who sell gold on the internet. But who gives a fuck, right?
Then one day a really awful thought occurred to me: I wonder how far we could really take this? Sure, the guys who think I'm a Kenyan would oppose me. But at what point would middle America get mad? How close could we get to a third Bush term before your average Democrat grew a pair?
At first it was just the drones. We intensified the program, blew up a couple civilians... nothing big. And then we changed the rules so we could kill someone without even knowing who they were. Jesus, I thought everyone would stop that. Hillary and I were giggling about it in the Oval. I mean, it was insane. But you guys just... just let us keep going.
What the hell were you people thinking?
It became like a little game: Holder and Brennan were making noises like maybe we'll target people in the US. It's a global war, we said. We can go anywhere and do anything, and you just have to trust us. I mean, they did it during the last administration, but didn't everyone want something different? Wasn't I the guy who ran on a promise of changing all that? Then the atrocities started trickling in, and soon we just leaked the AP story ourselves.
Yes, we leaked that. And the reason is that this game is turning kind of weird. I mean, I get a nasty thrill humiliating all of you - God help me, I do. But I'm also beginning to feel desperate. Part of me wants to see how truly horribly we can act, but another part wants people in the country to stop me somehow. I want to see if there are enough people willing to show the kind of spine you expect of grownup citizens in a free republic. Ugh, it's just like when I get careless, because I want Michelle to catch me smoking.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Fri Jun 7, 2013, 11:24 AM (0 replies)
My fellow Americans: I wanted to be honest about why I'm not running for reelection. The truth is I'm tired. Tired of all of it. When I started this job I thought I'd found the purest form of kink possible, something that would never ever get boring. But it's time to admit it: It just doesn't ring Michele's joy-buzzer the way it used to.
Like a lot of you I started out pretty vanilla - one of those "safe, sane, consensual" BDSM clubs that advertise at a women's rec center and teach chubby middle-aged couples how to use a spreader bar. God I'm amazed I used to think that was daring! Anyway I wandered out of that pretty quickly: I toyed with different kinds of risk-aware stuff: a lot of humiliation and fear play. Then I did some suffocation, some punishment shaving, a little fire cupping... and a few kidnapping scenarios that got deep into some dark territory. But nothing, absolutely nothing, got my rocks off like being a socially conservative Republican. I thought the thrill would last forever. I really did.
Do you know what it's like to pass a law that straps a chastity belt around millions of people you don't even know? Or to start talking smack about how some random Muslim person might be part of a terrorist fifth column - and there's no way to prove he or she isn't of course, so they just have to live in a nightmare of paranoia you created? I choked out a whole roomful of sorority girls once and locked them in a storage unit. But what I did in Congress over these past few years was a thousand times more intense. I think rightwing politicians are exploring the last really shocking and unpredictable kind of dominance work in the whole world...
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Posted by paulbibeau | Tue Jun 4, 2013, 12:48 PM (6 replies)
I'm not judging Will.I.Am. Honestly. He wasn't particularly deluded. He wasn't even the only guy who did something like this. But I think it's important to take a look at his creation - It's useful to think about everyone's state of mind back then - given what we know today.
Because today it seems pretty fucking ridiculous.
I mean, people took a primary speech. By a politician. And they turned it into a "We Are The World" video. I pray to God that cocaine was involved. It's the only way I can make sense of it.
All those pretty people are smiling like cultists, and ScarJo looks as if she might start weeping with girlish joy. The gist of this is that a vote for the guy is the moral equivalent of saving a kitten from a fire on your way to drop a check for famine relief in the mail. To watch it, you'd think Barack Obama was Frodo, Neo, and the Last Unicorn, and that when he got to the White House, he'd rip Dick Cheney's iron heart from his chest and hurl it into the fires where it was forged, destroying its curse forever.
Many people thought this. Adults actually thought this. The clip is proof.
But there's nothing in there about flying killer robots, huh? Or having your Attorney General simultaneously hide from and spy on reporters. Or all the other nonsense.
Believe me, I'm not taking the Republican side. Those guys have very selective memories about government transparency and getting cavalier with the lives of our soldiers and diplomats. I am saying this: The guy I voted for isn't really a hero...
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Posted by paulbibeau | Fri May 31, 2013, 02:00 PM (11 replies)
You can sense it almost immediately, can't you? About half a minute into the speech, there's that disconnect familiar to any one who's sat through a commercial for antidepressants or allergy medicine or somesuch. The soaring music and the confident tone simply don't match any of the words, because lawyers cobbled all those together.
...rest assured, this decision was not impacted in any way by the recent inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign or my former presidential staff...
DUM! Duh, duh, da, DUMMMM!
Emotional piano. Shot of cheery, ruddy-cheeked old people pushing their granddaughter in a swing. Healthy. No one looks like they're going to code out if they try to tackle a flight of stairs.
Libercor is not for everyone. May cause shingles, dry mouth, rash, cold sweats, and night terrors. See your doctor if you develop persistent bleeding, as this may indicate a fatal condition...
Your brain doesn't wrap around everything the lawyers are saying. That's the point. The best you can manage is to realize dimly that Jesus, these guys have a lot of explaining to do. All this technical stuff is taking a long time, and those happy, corporate power chords are carrying an awful weight.
This is the perfect way for Michele Bachmann to end her Congressional career. She spent years trying to hide all that dark nonsense in the background behind a similar kind of feel-good theme...
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Posted by paulbibeau | Thu May 30, 2013, 08:22 AM (15 replies)
As you may know, the BSA recently addressed the ongoing issue of crazy people within its organization. I think it took an unsatisfying, halfway position on the subject - a position that solves nothing. Crazy people still exist in the BSA, but the group hasn't addressed their fundamental rights and concerns. It's essentially told them, "Yes, if you're the kind of whack-job who can't associate with gay adults, you still have a place here. But you can't go too far - you can't be the kind of absolute lunatic who'd discriminate against gay kids."
The problem is, many of them don't see the difference at all. And so, in order to fit in they have to hide who they are.
It's hard for the rest of us to understand their lifestyle or their beliefs. These are grounded in a three-thousand year-old collection of documents passed down through a group of nomadic tribal peoples, a message allegedly from some kind of powerful, inscrutable supernatural entity. Many people of course share beliefs of this kind. But this particular group adds a completely idiosyncratic set of alternate commands from a series of bizarre, supplementary visions received by their prophets. They basically allow them to ignore a large set of the ritual and dietary rules of their faith, while reinforcing sexual and gender norms - but only those which apply to the powerless members of their society. And at the same time, they will assert that these documents they follow are perfect, eternal, and completely consistent. Challenging them on any of this produces intense feelings of paranoia and rage. Coexisting with them is difficult. (Also, some of them believe in an additional text written by fantastical creatures on some golden plates, which were then lost. I know, I know. It gets weird.)
Do we want people like this teaching our kids? Do we want people using some Iron Age scrolls to talk with our young people about what makes a loving marriage? That seems extremely dubious. At the same time though, I think tolerance is vital. Children shouldn't ever abandon their natural skepticism, of course - if someone tells them they are receiving moral commands from invisible beings with super powers, it's always right to question that. But that doesn't mean it's okay to treat others unkindly.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Fri May 24, 2013, 11:05 AM (1 replies)
I am speaking to you from a parallel dimension of foul darkness and high-sodium foods. My existence is a constant torment to me. I beg you to defeat my master and smash me with the Hammer of Shrieking obtained by Cory Booker in the vaults below Newark Airport.
But beware! Terrible times have befallen the Democratic Party, and the power of He Who Shall Not Be Named grows. With the scandals bedeviling the Obama administration, progressives across the internet shall be sorely tempted to spin, to obfuscate, to dabble in horsecrap. People may write articles on DailyKos acting like they're sure the IRS did nothing wrong, or that this is all somehow George Bush's fault. That the issues themselves are all bogus and don't really need to be investigated. The temptation shall grow as Republican after Republican comes forward with ridiculous, self-serving arguments, and the crazy Palin voter in your family barrages you with hateful email gloating.
Do not take up the weapons of The Enemy as your own! For in that moment, your will becomes his plaything and join me forever in the shadows.
You must commit yourself to honesty and accountability in government, no matter the cost. The facts will reveal themselves in all their complexity, and the administration's going to take some whacks, but that's not a completely bad thing.
The strength of any political group is its ability to adjust to reality...
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Posted by paulbibeau | Thu May 16, 2013, 01:34 PM (0 replies)
Hey. I just wanted to make something clear: I'm not the one voting for all these crazy things, okay? I'm attached to Sen. Paul, but we don't always agree politically. Two senators with A ratings from the NRA come up with a background check law that makes it illegal to create any kind of registry so Obama can swipe your rifle from you in the dead of night. It passes the first hurdle with a 68/31 win. And one of the few holdouts is the dude who lives just downstairs. Believe me, I'm as shocked as any of you.
Guys, this is not my fault. I'm one scoop of Silver Fox and two scoops of Little Orphan Annie. I am fun and frisky. And there's nothing fun and frisky about political extremism.
We can debate the merits of individual gun control measures, but the idea of expanding background checks in the wake of Newtown is just good common sense. I'm mostly mindless filaments of protein, and even I know that. If you use this bill to create a list of guns so you can confiscate them, you get 15 years in prison. How could anyone still think this is a secret government plot?
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Posted by paulbibeau | Fri Apr 12, 2013, 03:01 PM (0 replies)
We need to send a powerful message to Barack Obama and his globalist allies in the UN - Leave our bacon alone. Since he was elected after disparaging people in the heartland who cling to their guns and their religion, Obama has made it clear that he will simply not respect the rights of Christian Americans.
And what do those Christian Americans want more than anything else? It should be clear to you, because it's damn sure clear to our enemies. Christianity, from the very beginning, was focused like a laser on taking the Mosaic covenant and updating it to include sweet, sweet crackling pork fat. After the gay rights crowd finishes destroying the idea of marriage that we've gotten from the parts of the Bible we agree with, they're going to come after us by saying that we're hypocrites about the dietary laws. Haven't you already seen this? Open your eyes, people!
And the United Nations is already implementing its stealth program to impose totalitarian - yes, totalitarian - controls on our citizens with its sustainable growth program, Agenda 21. Republicans in states like Missouri and Oklahoma are banning it, and the Tea Party movement has mobilized against this, but you need to join the fight. Because even though the plan is a completely non-binding list of environmental goals from a largely incompetent organization... it's clear this is about establishing a one world government in the near future.
Plus, the guns. They are going to register your guns, so that they can take them away leaving you unable to defend yourselves. And with Obama's plan to destabilize the nation's economy, you won't have enough money to feed your own family - so you'll have to rely on government subsidies.
Posted by paulbibeau | Thu Apr 11, 2013, 02:56 PM (13 replies)
These are dark times, my friends. Obama and the globalists are working to take your guns and cause economic and cultural collapse, so they can hold ultimate power over you. Everyone who isn't afraid of the truth already knows this. These people have allies everywhere - in Hollywood and the media, and especially in big business. And, it turns out, the gun grabbers have important ties with the security staff at major restaurant franchises.
Like Fuddruckers. You think it's the kind of place that respects freedom, because it allows you to build your own hamburger from an ample condiment bar? Nothing could more untrue. It is at that casual dining establishment that you will encounter the cold iron hand of tyranny.
Like a lot of people, I know that there's nothing this administration would like more than to seize my firearms and detain me as an enemy combatant. Only the sheeple think any differently. So, I've started carrying my arsenal with me everywhere I go. I am a sovereign citizen and a part of the well-regulated militia that our Founders envisioned. You claim your unconstitutional "gun control laws" say I can't bring my legally-obtained AR-15 into a public space in order to defend myself against possible attacks by thugs and criminals and jackbooted authorities like "Gary," the assistant manager (if that's even his real name)? Molon Labe, people.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Wed Apr 10, 2013, 11:37 AM (0 replies)
Rand Paul is threatening to filibuster even those gun control bills he has not seen, and he's made it clear he opposes the kind of commonsense background checks that will help prevent dangerous people from being able to kill you.
And this completes the set. Paul is now an official member of every recent list you've seen of Republicans who voted in incomprehensible ways, because they hate it when government does its job.
He opposed the Violence Against Women Act. He was a member of the "Hurricane Sandy Hypocrites," voting against disaster relief for others after requesting it for his own people. And he was one of the sponsors of the Life At Conception Act, which would redefine a fetus as a person with full legal rights at the moment of conception.
It's clear that Rand Paul wants your uterus to be more heavily regulated than that AR-15 you need to fight the UN invasion. He opposes not just government overreach, but government, period. He's against gay rights and he's not really sure whether evolution is a thing. If the feds are going to take action to curb school massacres or respond to a life-threating catastrophe, he's one of those people who will find an excuse to bug out. And he simply doesn't respect the rights of women. In any functioning democracy when a politician makes it his business to alienate more than half of the voters and cater to people living in bunkers, we say that candidate is not serious about national office. We don't have articles about how he's bringing his crazy beliefs into the mainstream.
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Posted by paulbibeau | Tue Apr 9, 2013, 07:06 PM (4 replies)