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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 703

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

Letís Bury A Benghazi Hearing Time Capsule For The Benghazi Hearings Of The Future

I think it's important to preserve the past and these current Benghazi hearings are part of that. We need to collect mementos of them and bury them in a time capsule so we can unearth them in 10 or 20 years to see how Benghazi hearings have changed.

Won't that be interesting?

I think it's weird to think what the Benghazi hearings will be like in the time of my children and grandchildren. There will probably be a whole new crop of Republicans attacking Hillary Clinton, and they'll probably have conspiracy theories we can't even imagine. Maybe they'll air it in 3D, or use some kind of virtual reality program to illustrate their accusations that Hillary Clinton is an al-Qaeda operative or devil worshipper, or whatever the hell they'll be saying by then. It's hard to guess exactly how it will pan out.

We definitely need to wait awhile before we open the capsule though. I mean, we know there will be Benghazi hearings in about five years, assuming the Republicans run their presidential campaign on what's shaping up to be an actual white supremacist platform... and then get beat so bad people are actually crying on Fox News. You know they'll want payback, and that means extra Benghazi hearings.


Jim Webb's Not Going To Run Third Party. Jim Webb's Going To Fight Some Bears.

Look, I'm a Virginian, and I've followed Jim Webb for a long time. People are worried he's mad enough to run as a third party candidate, but it's not a real threat. Webb's just mad right now. He's going to go out, fight a few bears, maybe knock one of them down, shake this thing off, and get back to writing his next novel.

If you know anything about politics in this part of the country you've seen it before. Webb doesn't think the party represents people like him enough. Hell, maybe he's right. I'm a pretty traditional liberal, but I understand there's a populist wing of people who are churchgoing gun owners and maybe support the military in a more uncritical way than I do. It's a cultural difference and a sign of our strength. I, for one look forward to having Webb back in the conversation, after he's punched out a massive grizzly, stumbled home in a bloody daze, and slept for a day or so.

I say all this with respect for the man. Honestly. I disagree with him on many issues, but you have to appreciate his integrity. When Webb argues about how the cost of war is borne by working people like him, you know he's actually lived this truth.

The bears respect him too. When they gather for their traditional fight with Webb, they all do this kind of ritualized bow to him just before trying - always unsuccessfully - to tear his throat out so they can rub his blood into their coats and carry the scent to their young. I've seen video of it on NatGeo, and it's quite inspiring.

Anyway, Jim Webb may have been Secretary of the Navy under Reagan, and he might try to strangle wildlife instead of supporting Greenpeace... but he's still pretty much a Democrat.

It's a big tent, people.

Paul Ryan's Still Not Sure He Wants To Be Kicked In The Crotch By Lunatics For Several Years

As you know the Speakership positionís just opened up, and many people in the Republican party want Paul Ryan to take it. Heís getting closer to agreeing, but he has misgivings about it, because the main duty is to have lunatics kick you in the crotch.

His reluctance is understandable.

John Boehner gave up after years of genital abuse that left him physically and emotionally crippled. Ryanís a young man, and he might run for the presidency. Itís hard to see how this could really be a good move for him.

The lunatics who deliver the savage crotch-kickings are actually from the partyís Unhinged caucus. Itís a large, powerful group, and theyíre famously cruel. Some analysts say Paul Ryan should take the job if he can get a guarantee from these people that they wonít deliver their testicle stompings with their characteristic frequency and brutality. But I donít think any promises from these people are reliable. I guess Iíve always believed that old proverb: Lie down with lunatics, get up with crotch-kickings.

Many people say heís the only one who can unite the party, and that he ought to accept the job out of loyalty. But how compelling is that argument? Should you really be loyal to the kind of party in which people will crowd around you cheering as you clutch at your manhood, coughing blood and pleading for mercy? Of course this kind of thing is what you sign on for when you join the Republican Party. But no one says you have to volunteer to be the main victim.

Now, a few of the scrotum-punters themselves say Paul Ryan ought to stay out of the position so they can nominate one of their own. The idea is if they get their way they'll stop this kind of extreme groin violence altogether. But they're really, really enthusiastic about doling it out. Can you see them just giving it up? Can you? I didn't think so.

Personally, I have mixed feelings. On one hand, watching a major government branch devolve into an ugly spectacle of pain and dysfunction upsets me as an American. It can't be good for this nation, and it could easily mean serious trouble for our domestic policy and the integrity of our economy. On the other hand, I would really, really like to see Republicans kick each other in the crotch for a long time. Man, I don't know if that would ever get old.

Whatever happens, we'll all be watching.

Read "My Novel's About A Futuristic World Where Americans Believe In Science" on my blog. Thank you.

Ann Coulter Is A Solid Argument That Squanto Should Have Knifed The Pilgrims In Their Sleep...


Have Scientists Discovered An Extraterrestrial Republican Party?

The Kepler Space telescope has discovered a profoundly exciting and disturbing phenomenon: a distant star surrounded by a collection of matter - what may be a "swarm of megastructures" created by intelligent beings. It's still way too early to be sure, and there are a number of hypotheses, but scientists are eagerly investigating the possibility of a technologically advanced civilization which would have its own version of a Republican party fighting to destroy all its technological advances.

Just think of it. Up there in the sky is a species capable of creating orbiting platforms so big they can be seen from light years away - no doubt harnessing the power of their star - while a sizable portion of their own people probably reject solar power and want to defund the entire program. They must know things about the history of the universe and the nature of spacetime which would revolutionize our understanding, and they probably have nutjobs that don't believe any of it, because they favor a literal interpretation of whatever collection of dusty scrolls they're still carrying around from the time they huddled in their alien caves and worshiped one of their moons. Every one of them has access to the kind of knowledge our most brilliant scientists dream of... and they have a bunch of jackasses with fake degrees appearing on their version of the Fox network trying to act like they've collected new data that proves the moon-god's tale of how their planet formed is actually a competing theory and not a bizarre intellectual relic.

They could teach us about advanced medicine and how to deal with the damage your civilization does to the ecosystem, as well as how to deal with the baffling idiots who think all of that is an enormous conspiracy. They could show us how to make a stable global political arrangement so different groups can live together - and what to do about the kind of hideous freaks who favor war and deregulation so extreme it brings suffering and death to millions in order to enrich a small percentage of their population. There's much we could learn from each other.

Assuming they haven't already killed themselves.

NOTE: Read "Okay, Which One Of Us Is The BAD Guy With The Gun?" on my blog.

"As President I'll Kill Way More People Than Jim Webb," By Donald Trump

I know you're all impressed with what Jim Webb said last night about killing that commie who chucked a grenade at him. I just want to go on record and make sure you know that when you elect me, I will kill many, many more people than Jim Webb would kill. A Trump presidency is going to be a bloodbath. Count on it.

We're going to kill people with our foreign policy, and we're going to kill people domestically - right here at home, so you can watch it on TV. We're going to have the biggest, most impressive gold-plated record of ending human lives you've ever seen. And I know I'm running against a member of the Bush family, which kind of raises the bar. But I'm serious. You'll be amazed how many people we manage to kill.

A guy like Jim Webb kills them one at a time - by himself. He's into artisan killing, like some goddamn hipster. I'm going to have the entire government murder people on an industrial scale. And you know with me in the Oval, private companies will be getting in on this game as well.

Sometimes I act like there are wars I don't want to get involved in, and sometimes I say I could get along with Putin. But none of that means I'm going to hesitate to annihilate entire communities. That's a promise.

Thing about Webb is... sure, he's a tough guy. No one's saying he isn't. And he's probably seen his share of combat. But I am an actual sociopath. It's a whole different level. I literally don't feel anything when I cause people to suffer or even die because of what I do. Sometimes I have to remind myself not to stab my friends. Seriously. How do you think I got this far?

Anyway, when you elect Donald Trump, you know you're going to get two things: A guy who will run the most belligerent, incoherent and dysfunctional administration in modern US history... and a guy who has experience catering to every sick and depraved whim of the most brutal and idiotic segment of the already brutal and idiotic US population.

On Day 1, it's going to look like Mad Max out there. And I'm just talking about my healthcare policy. Don't think President Trump is going to get outdone by anybody when it comes to paying the Reaper.

And by the way... the guy Jim Webb killed wasn't even an American! He was some foreigner taking the violent death away from a US worker. That is going to change when I'm in charge.

READ: "How To Steal Your Kids' Halloween Candy And Get Away With It" on my blog

We Have VIDEO Of The Meeting Between Kim Davis And Pope Francis

Ms. Davis told the pontiff that she was a big supporter of his work.

Later, they discussed her controversial situation...

Disturbance At The Reagan Museum - "Preparation"

(This is a short story following paranormal events at the Reagan Museum in Simi Valley, CA. Here is Part 1.)

September 16, 2015

The faces you skim over when you look at a large audience. The names and pictures on a long list of comments beneath an article or a post. The people you don't focus on, people you never know. The crowds in front of stages, at TV performances, rallying in what you call the real world or in the corners of the internet. You don't see them clearly, but you feel them, and their presence has force.

These were the ones who filed in the door of the museum. Their faces were sallow, pinched and terrified. They were of all ages, even children. Jespersen quietly welcomed them, and he gave each one a piece of the charcoal.

ďSmall marks,Ē he said Ė he said it again and again so everyone would hear as they spread out to every room in the building. They wrote single words, sometimes single letters, everywhere. Bits of messages in corners Ė nothing that could be grasped in one glance. They looked random. You could only assemble them into anything meaningful if you knew the order to arrange them in. But if properly arranged they would have spelled out phrases that surfaced in focus groups, editorials, cable news talk shows, and on paranoid rants everywhere.

When they were done the entire building had been filled with the words like an enchantment. Maybe it was the oldest spell in the nation, because every person who had ever held the highest offices had felt it drawing life. And no one could ever speak about it.

Each person made a mark and took his or her place. They faded into shadow. Almost vanished. You would never notice any of them, or what they did, when the camera panned the room or showed its establishment shots tonight.

"It won't be long," Jespersen said. "Let's stay here and be still." He thought once of Lisa Styles, who'd be stumbling through a rain of ash by now. She'd soon fall to the ground and let it cover her. She should have listened.

Jespersen turned out the lights. Then the figure who was always behind Jespersen walked among them, touching them with his burning hands, and they were too afraid to flinch. They made muffled cries of pain, and the sound was delicious.

The Conclusion of the story will be live Tweeted during the GOP debate at 8pm EST, with a copy posted on my blog. A button to join my Twitter feed is on the right of my blog, Goblinbooks.

Disturbance At The Reagan Museum - "Ghosts"

(This is a short story following paranormal events at the Reagan Museum in Simi Valley, CA. Here are Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.)

September 15, 2015

It was long after midnight when Lisa Styles had gathered enough bleach and plastic sheeting. She went back into the basement to clean everything up, and Jespersen talked to her as she worked. He stood in the stairwell, just out of her sight, and his voice filled the hall.

"It could be anywhere," he said, and it wasn't clear what he was talking about at first. "People travelling to the West burned a thousand places to the ground. They took the names, sometimes. They planted cities and small towns. They covered over everything."

She wrapped Henry Talbot's body, and as she did she inadvertently touched his chest near the place that sometimes pained him. A small, hard, round object was under his shirt. It was on a chain around his neck. She unfastened one of his buttons and discovered a medal of a monk holding an infant. "St. Anthony - Pray For Me" was the inscription. Another secret, she thought, and the guilt and anger turned in her stomach.

"And what did they send back, when they reached the ocean? When they'd pacified their way to the Pacific? They sent back cowboy movies, of course. Like shadows, echoes of everything they'd done on the trail to California. The killers went in one direction, and the images of the killers reflected backwards over the continent like a signal bouncing off the sea."


The Reagan Haunted House Story

As you may know I am writing a haunted house story set at the Reagan Museum in the days leading up to the GOP debate on September 16. The story takes place in real time, and if you've been following the links, you've figured out that events in the outside world are affecting what's going on in that cursed place.

I just posted the latest (Part 4) today. My plan is to post updates to the story in the late morning on Tuesday, and Wednesday... and then the conclusion to this tale will be revealed in a series of tweets during the second debate at 8 pm.

You can follow my Twitter feed - a button is on the right side of my blog - but I will repost on the blog itself. (My Twitter feed is usually full of links and insane commentary that doesn't make it to the blog, so it's worth considering on its own merits.)

Tell your friends. It should be fun.

If you haven't followed it yet, here are the installments:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
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