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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 703

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

Donald Trump's Secret

They say I only fell about five feet. I don't remember the details, but I know I went over the banister of the stairs at the school when I was 15. We looked at the medical report afterward. We're both interested in the event, probably for different reasons.

Yes. I said "we."

I remember waking up that night. First there was the sharp smell of antiseptic in the dark, and then the sound of the respirator, and then I knew I was soaked in sweat and chilled straight through, and I was staring at my mother. I didn't open my eyes. They were already open, and I just... I just began to see through them. Mother had been crying for hours, and I tried to tell her it was all right - that I was all right. But I discovered I couldn't move - not even those eyes of mine. They say that's uncommon. Usually, when you get this way you can communicate through blinking. But I was totally locked in. Trapped in my body, completely aware, but paralyzed. And then soon I realized I wasn't alone in there.

My parents told me - told us - that our recovery was "miraculous." People don't usually get out of bed and go back home a week after what happened to me. They almost always show some signs of lingering impairment. Something. But I was - like father said - "good as new." My mother occasionally asked me if I felt okay in the months that followed. Sometimes I'd catch her staring at me with a question in her head, something she didn't want to put into words. But eventually she stopped. The family kept the incident out of the press. You won't find out about it.

I was definitely good as new.

Someone had crawled into my brain, the parts I could no longer use, slipping into my hands and my legs like putting on a suit. Slipping into the space behind my face, wearing me like a mask. And now that person walks around, talking to people, doing things, and making decisions for both of us. I can't control it. I can't tell anyone. And at the moment, we're the Republican front-runner in the 2016 presidential primary...


Donald Trump Once Declared His Love For A Preacher Who Said 9/11 Was God's Judgment

First, it's no secret which Americans actually cheered 9/11, and whose side they are on. The Arabs Donald Trump's thinking of were Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson. They said that horror was the judgment of God:

"The pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way — all of them who have tried to secularize America," Falwell continued, "I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'"

"Well, I totally concur," responded Robertson.

Both of those men were powerful organizers in the GOP. And continuing that proud tradition is a friend of Donald Trump's. Pastor Robert Jeffress said 9/11 was holy retribution over the issue of abortion:

"People ask me all the time," Jeffress continued, "'Well, I just don't understand why God wouldn't protect our nation and he would allow these radical Muslims in 2001 to kill 3,000 of our citizens and why God doesn't protect us. Surely, God doesn't use pagans to bring judgment upon his own people, does he?'"

"Just read the Bible," he said. "God will not allow sin to go unpunished and he certainly won't allow the sacrifice of children to go unpunished."


Thanks For The Last And Greatest Betrayal...

They drove West, burning the ground clean,
(so no one would see
so no one would remember)
and empty now, emptied out, it was perfect
to film movies of what (they said) had happened on the way.
The wave of violence bouncing back like a signal
echoing off the pacific Pacific,
(ghost cowboys fighting spectral natives
over unmarked graves
turned to studio lots)
on a thousand easternward screens
in a thousand dark theaters.
The money returned
over lines tracing the pioneers' wheels,
and the signal bounced off again,
off again,
off the edge of the frontier's end again.
It went over the wireless world
and echoed Audie Murphy playing himself,
echoed Act of Valor actors
acting valor,
echoed presidents playing
all the roles we'd grown up watching
and matching
real wars
to fake stories
of all those skulls
lost in the plain ground.
It is echoing still,
and will
until the last syllable of recorded time.

And someday,
after we're gone
after we've ended ourselves
that signal will slide


and only ghosts and aliens
will watch it go

the indifferent audience
we deserve.

NOTE: Read The Book Of Revelation: 2016 Election Edition. HERE.

"Many Of You Need To Stop Believing In Me," By Jesus Christ

I know I'm supposed to be the Light of the world, the Redeemer of humanity, drawing all creation closer to My Father in heaven. But there's a limit, you know?

I never thought I'd get to this point, but... well, I'd appreciate it if some of you would just stop believing in me. Convert, drop out, collect Pokemon - I don't care. But please stop being My problem.

There's a man on social media who is encouraging you to hassle Starbucks counter staff, because the company has supposedly declared war on my birthday. His accusations are not actually true, but that's never the point, is it? Soon an army of people will be descending on their local coffee houses with all kinds of creative ways to vent their spleen at people who work very hard, don't make company policy, and don't earn enough money for this nonsense. They're going to do this in order to show that they worship me. The guy also seemed proud of the fact that he'd brought a gun into the store, even though that kind of thing is unsafe and it generally terrifies normal people.

So Dear Mr. Obnoxious Armed Starbucks Customer: Please find another personal savior or go without. Let's just stop this arrangement.


Defeating The Conservatives Will Be Like Trying To Flush A Rat Down A Toilet

Theoretically it'll work, right? The rat's smaller than us, and more importantly, he's smaller than the pipes involved. The basic physics of the situation are overwhelmingly in our favor. There shouldn't be any question that we as a nation are perfectly capable of getting the thing into the municipal sewage system.

Yeah, but that rat, man... That rat's going to fight, going down. I can't emphasize enough how ugly this is going to look. Fur flying. Blood everywhere. We'll never be able to forget the screeching sounds it's going to make. We're going to get clawed up, people. Clawed badly.

Just the other day an essay appeared in the Guardian about how every demographic and cultural trend was gradually destroying the conservative movement:

The US is now beyond the electoral tipping point, driven by a new progressive majority in the electorate: racial minorities (black and Hispanic) plus single women, millennials (born between 1982 and 2000) and secular voters together formed 51% of the electorate in 2012; and will reach a politically critical 63% next year.

All this sounds great, but there are plenty of off-brand elections - like the one we just had - where a relatively small group of voters can roll back progress and pack the states with an army of rightwing imbeciles. And then those rightwing imbeciles gerrymander the districts so they can pack the House with even more rightwing imbeciles. We might lose an eye in this fight. I'm serious.


My Halloween Plans

Hope your holiday is just as awesome.

I'm Going To Give Bernie A Chance

I am exactly the kind of liberal who agrees with Bernie Sanders. There's no doubt in my mind. I want a government that rejects corporatism. I want a government that's not beholden to banks and investment companies.

At the same time, eligibility in a general race is crucial. There's no doubt in my mind about that. We're looking at a GOP running on platform of bigotry, willful ignorance, and meanness. More than usual, even.

I don't want to be the guy who turns down the chance to vote for a solid liberal. And I don't want to be the guy who hands the election to Ted Cruz or Donald Trump. I have plenty of places where I part ways with the Hillster, but she is worlds better than the guys on the right.

My feeling right now is I want to give Bernie a chance. That's how I think of it. He needs to prove to me that he can win in a general election. He needs to get solid match-up numbers, and hold onto them, and he needs to be competitive in all the states that will decide this thing. He can't just have a strong showing among Democrats. I need to see how he gets to 270, before I give him my vote in the primary. I haven't figured out exactly what that will look like, and any opinions from DU would help.

I'm not voting third party, voting a write-in, staying home, or any of that protest stuff. No. I'm a Virginia voter, and my state is not a lock.

But I'm willing to be surprised here. There was a time when no one thought Barack Obama could do it either.

Tonight's GOP Debate Winner Will Be Whoever Seems Like He Actually Has Rabies

We're in a tough spot in this country. Republican citizens are worried about the economy and America's place in the world, and they're struggling to cope with social change. They're looking to their presidential candidates to take charge. Watching the debate tonight, GOP voters will be trying to figure out which contender shows them the kind of leadership they crave - specifically the kind that's indistinguishable for having an actual full-blown case of rabies.

They want Reaganesque boldness, sure. But also Reaganesque agitation and mental confusion. Plus, across the board, people in the party are all seeking a new, more intense level of unfocused aggression.

Donald Trump comes closest, and that's why he's the front-runner. Trump might actually have rabies, and if so it's likely he's contracted it from one of his supporters, many of whom seem as if they're about to be trapped and decapitated by animal control officers. This quality Trump has - the unapologetic energy and determination of a squirrel trying to scratch his way out of a fireplace flue - is something Jeb Bush has always lacked. But Ben Carson is gaining on Trump, partly because even though he acts in a manner that is deliberate and thoughtful, which turns off movement conservatives, Carson expresses opinions and concepts that make him seem like he's in the last stages of the disease, in which nothing but palliative care is possible. The more of him Republicans see, the more they like.

If the other candidates want a chance, they're going to have to take clear and even risky steps to connect with the TV audience. Look for Ted Cruz to lunge at one of the moderators. Look for Chris Christie to develop flecks of spit at the corners of his mouth - more than usual. Look for Marco Rubio to furtively glance at his water bottle as if he's about to drink it, before knocking it off the podium in disgust. These are the signs that will show you they're serious.

Republicans want an outsider this season. A maverick. They want the kind of candidate who threatens the establishment, the media, and pedestrians in the street, particularly if they can't run very fast. These voters are determined to send someone to the White House who will reject the old, easy ways of getting things done in Washington. They want someone who doesn't compromise on values, mostly because he or she doesn't have a functional nervous system or control of their actions. And tonight that's exactly what you're going to see from a GOP winner.

THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES is about faith and loss, and a haunted house hidden so well you didn't notice you'd been living there your whole life. BUY IT HERE.

Conservatives At The Federalist Are Now Arguing Dogs Don't Go To Their Heaven

As you probably know, The Federalist, which I hate-read regularly is a website for conservatives. Yesterday, I spent some serious time trying to convince their readers that slavery was actually a bad thing. And yes, I went back. I am like a dog returning to its proverbial vomit.

Speaking of dogs and vomit...

A more recent piece at The Federalist is about how Christians shouldn't believe that dogs go to heaven. The author, Dominic Lynch, uses the theology of Thomas Aquinas to make the case that regardless of his sweet temperament and playfulness with your kids, Sparky has nothing but the eternal night of oblivion ahead of him:

Indeed, animals and humans both have souls, but the difference is massive. Human souls, Aquinas says, are “subsistent,” meaning they are eternal, even after bodily death. Aquinas contends that animal souls do not have that eternal property, so when animals die their soul does not carry on.

We're in a weird time in America, people. The frontrunner of the Republican party has picked up endorsements from the white supremacist movement, and he's threatening to close down the religious sites of people he doesn't like. A sizable portion of GOP candidates want to get rid of the 14th Amendment. Their bigotry and paranoia about gay people is a known in scary and disgusting detail.

Now, they're going after dogs.

Where does it end? It doesn't. I'm convinced of it. There is no bottom. The task ahead of the conservative movement is to explore every permutation of what can be expressed by the word "asshole." And then they'll make up new ones.

I, for one, don't want dogs to have to live in a heaven that contains Republicans. No. Maybe oblivion is better after all.

NOTE: Links at my blog. But how much of the Federalist do you really want to read?

I Actually Spent The Day Arguing With A Conservative About Whether Slavery Was Bad

I hate-read The Federalist, which is a website for the right wing in America. And every few days over at that publication, they put out a piece whose only purpose is to make white people feel good about themselves. They rail against people who want to attack the Confederate flag. They say Ta-Nehisi Coates is overrated. The point of these articles is to soothe the kind of people who see the culture slipping away from them.

I pointed this out on a comment thread. Sometimes I just have to pick a fight with these folks. I'm not proud of it. Anyway, a fellow mammal known as "An Observer" responded. His argument was that white liberals are all just playing at having a conscience. We're moral posers.

I've seen the way you people act. You get points for one-upping each other on how much crap you can talk about white people. Do you think we believe that you really believe that?

It's not a completely crazy observation, right? How serious, really, are we liberals about making things fair in America? Is our guilt an act?

I told AO that he was missing something (I'm assuming he's a he. Also, I'm also assuming he's straight, white, and has a couple of blue blazers in his closet). I told AO that liberals admit to the ugly side of American history - white American history - because we want to fix things.

First he rattled off a list of the achievements of white American culture that make them awesome:

We gave loads of other people running water, electricity, modern medicine, literacy and a life expectancy beyond thirty-five years. We are the best thing that ever happened to them. We gave them buses to ride, toilets to use, and a water fountains to drink from. Nobody ever thanks us, but that's fine.

I responded that you couldn't just call the advancements of modern western culture something "we" gave "other people." (Including people of color in this country too, remember. We were talking about white folks.) The Enlightenment and everything after, particularly in the Americas, was founded on slave labor and on the suffering of Native American population. That's not a politically correct platitude; it's a fact of history. Here's what I wrote...

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