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paulbibeau

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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 447

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

"God Never Sends You More Than You Can Handle," By A Drone Operator

You look like crud, Trev. You really do. This thing with Karen's getting to you. You don't talk about it, but I can tell, man. I can just - wait...

Hotel Three-Five. Geronimo. Still loitering at the target. No action. Copy that, Hotel? No action.

Look, you love her, and she loves you. And the Big Guy's got a plan for you both. You're going through something that might look really awful now, but it's going to make you stronger in the end, okay?

I know you've got mixed feelings on religion. But just... just hear me out on this. I believe when bad things happen to us it's like a kind of test. It's not always clear. But that doubt you feel - that's part of the test, you know? Just like...

I see it, Hotel Three-Five. I got two SUVs moving south toward the target. About 700 meters and closing. Standing by. Repeat. We are standing by.

...Just like when I went through all that school stuff with my daughter. I mean, how many weeks did that last, right? It seemed as if Mackenzie was going to end up at some horrible community college or something. Judy and I didn't know what to do. We prayed and prayed about it. It tore us apart. And then one day, I remember...

The first SUV stopped, and I got three, uh, three militants getting out and entering the target. Waiting on the second.

I remember just getting this feeling, this voice in my head. "I care about you." That's what the voice said. "Whatever happens, I will be here." It gave me chills, man.

There's the second. Repeat, the second SUV is parked, and I've got... I've got four more militants entering the building. Someone's meeting them at the door. A person holding a small... it's a small dog, Hotel Three-Five. A dog. Permission to engage target.

Someone's up there, Trev. Someone is looking out for you. Believe it.

Missile off the rail. And... target hit. Target hit, Hotel Three-Five. Waiting to see... yeah, we took it out. We destroyed the target, Hotel.

Don't start, Trev. It was a dog. You heard the briefing. A dog, okay?

We're going to loiter another ten and then head back. Good job everybody. Over.

Why don't you come to church with Judy and me this Sunday? You don't have to join or anything... I'm not asking that. Just think about it.

It really helped me find some answers.

NOTE:
I am the author of a novel about the dark side of Scripture. It is called The Black Book Of Children’s Bible Stories, and you can find it on Amazon.

Pat Robertson Finds A Monster In The Cellar



Western civilization is an ancient and beautiful structure. We're lucky to live here, mostly. But below this house is a cellar. And in that cellar is a monster. You knew that already.

Anyway, if you're a certain type of social conservative you pretend the monster doesn't exist. So if someone sends you down the stairs to rummage around, it can be quite a shock.

A couple of weeks ago someone sent Pat Robertson to the cellar.

It was one of his viewers. She wanted him to explain why the Bible's bloody parts are different than the bloody parts in the Quran. This difference is important to some of us, because it justifies the things we want to do to Muslims. (Of course, many people would argue we don't want to do any of it. We have to, because they're brutal people. That's what the issue is. Whether Muslims are brutal by their nature; if it's fair to judge them by the worst in their group.)

So Pat found himself halfway down the stairs, his feeble white hand trembling on the banister. He was trying to spot the chain to the overhead bulb in the center of the room. Someone had spilled something on the cement floor. It had barely dried.

We keep so many things down here. It's cluttered. It's not safe. Pat needed to look up one of our old stories. According to a founding document of our culture, God ordered His own chosen people to commit mass murder.

Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants...

This is 1 Samuel 15:3, and it's part of a campaign of terror and bloodshed the Israelites waged as they took control of the Holy Land. Pat himself referred to it as "the wars of extermination." God and his prophets repeatedly commanded that the Israelites kill their enemies. It was their duty. Even the infanticide.

God is the supreme Lord of life, and can require his own when he pleaseth; infants likewise are born in sin, and therefore liable to God's wrath.

This was how John Wesley justified it, adding...

Their death also was rather a mercy than a curse, as being the occasion of preventing their sin and punishment.

Today many of us say that's not what the Judeo-Christian tradition is about. Progressive believers argue that the text itself is deeply flawed. I think that's the only decent way to think about the Bible. There's just too much murder in that book. Large portions of it are immoral. Not old-fashioned or weird, but wicked and wrong. You have to absolutely reject some of it, or the parts about love and compassion are meaningless. They are actually obscene.

Not everyone thinks this way though. There are many, many people of faith out there still who agree with John Wesley that butchering children was justified. Writing for The Briefing, John Allister compared it to the ethics of assassinating Adolf Hitler - taking life for the greater good. The cellar is where we keep all the stuff some of us try to ignore about our past, and our values. But others - let's be honest - actually like coming down here. They vote. They have power. They support our leaders when they wage war, and they always have reasons. They too define who we are.

Who are we, actually?

Pat found his footing, walked into the stale air, and he decided not to turn on the light. He heard breathing in the corner. He smiled at what was sitting there. What had always been sitting there.

It smiled back at him.

NOTE:
I wrote an entire novel about these things. It's THE BLACK BOOK OF CHILDREN'S BIBLE STORIES, and you can find it here. Tomorrow and Thursday it will be free at Amazon.

Dick Cheney: "Welcome Back To The Shadows, America."

Hello, old friends. Nice to see you again. I think it's time we had a chat. We're going to be here together for a while.

I'm not sure you understood me when I first said America would need to spend some time in the shadows. It was just after 9/11, and people weren't thinking clearly. Fear will do that to you, won't it? You start seeing monsters everywhere, and you freeze up. You look for someone, anyone to make the terror go away. You probably thought I was talking about sending spies and special operators into the dark corners of the world to do all the brutal things we'd need to do. Yes, that was part of it. But I was also talking about you. You're here in a kind of moral twilight with them. With me.

Just yesterday CNN reported that we're relaxing the rules about killing civilians during our air war against ISIS. The locals have already reported noncombatant casualties, but the US government hasn't confirmed it. You don't know every detail. So when you give your president a bump in the polls for prosecuting this war, you don't really have to think about whether we're going to end the lives of innocent people - a growing number as the situation deteriorates, which it will, because it always does, and you know that too, and also don't know it. The deaths that you cause will be numbers. Footnotes. Sentence fragments buried deep into news reports you'll barely skim. You won't have to see a tiny shoe beneath some rubble and know that it's all that remains of someone's child. This war has gone on for more than a decade, and you've never had to know those kinds of things.

You agree to it all, as long as we agree to punish anyone who tells you what's happening. You'll let the government have the authority it wants, but it must lie. Because if it lies to you then you're not the ones who are really monsters. No. The shadows - the moral twilight - they hide you from yourself. And it depends on people like me.

It makes me happy just to think about it. It makes me feel needed.

You really did love me all this time.

Didn't you?

BIBEAU NOTE:
We talk about our dead as if they were part of Schrodinger's experiment. As if it had spiraled out of control, the box closed and the one inside appearing everywhere and always out of reach.
Keep the box closed forever, and she'll follow you down each street.
Keep the box closed forever, and she'll never be far away.


The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories is a novel of supernatural horror. It is about Scripture and language and loss. It is a text whose words are all around you. SEE IT HERE.

A Message From Jesus Christ On The Targeted Killings

You already kind of know what I'm going to say, don't you? Love your enemies, do unto others, all that stuff about the least of your brothers... I've gone on record about how you should treat each other. Sure, I didn't actually tell you, "Don't fire a mess of Tomahawks through someone's living room." I didn't think it would be necessary to spell it out. You Americans have a country absolutely packed to the ceiling with people who claim to follow me. But you are really, really comfortable with dropping high explosives on people.

Now we're going to talk about whether I was a pacifist, aren't we? I mean, what if you come across a bunch of bad guys who are going to do some harm to an innocent person? What if violence is the only way to prevent more violence? This is your way of dodging the question. Because you look reasonable if you make the choice between doing absolutely nothing in the face of evil... or airstrikes, home invasions, and encircling the world with a network of military bases. It's dishonest, and you know it. You guys say you're all about me, but you really act like the people who did that hilarious thing with those thorns. Enhanced interrogation, right? I sure know all about that. They were laughing while they did it. It was just like those news reports you don't think about. Like a prank gone too far. They were exactly the type to take selfies afterwards.

No, you always pretend this stuff is necessary. Always. You always excuse it. The pacifist thing is a way to make the job impossible. So that you can stop trying to be good. So that you can do all the terrible things you want to do. And you do want to do them. You're addicted to violence. Violence is your country's last and greatest export.

Let me clear something up: When I said that if you live by the sword you'll die by the sword, I wasn't giving a commandment from God. I was just giving advice. If you hit someone they'll hit you back. If you kill them so they can't hit back, their second cousin will pop out from around a corner tomorrow. Which means your brother has to burn that guy's house down, and this forces his tribe to slaughter your tribe. And so on. Until you live in a world where you have to spend every moment of every day doing hideous things to each other to stay safe, and it's never enough. And it won't be enough until the world runs out of people. That's how it works.

So many of you believe an Iron Age scroll is a solid science textbook, but you have trouble accepting that a first century Jew in occupied Palestine might know a thing or two about the nature of violence.

Forget I'm Me. Just consider the obvious. You've completed a 20-year cycle of escalating missile attacks, kidnappings, interventions, and turning your country into a giant prison. The result, they tell you, is that now the threat is even greater than before. And the solution? Let's do all the same things that worked so well the first time.

Stop being idiots. I really should have said it during the big speech on the mountain. But you probably wouldn't have listened to that either.

BIBEAU NOTE:
We talk about our dead as if they were part of Schrodinger's experiment. As if it had spiraled out of control, the box closed and the one inside appearing everywhere and always out of reach.
Keep the box closed forever, and she'll follow you down each street.
Keep the box closed forever, and she'll never be far away.

The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories is a novel of supernatural horror. It is about Scripture and language and loss. It is a text whose words are all around you. SEE IT HERE.

A Message To America From An Old Friend

Hey. I'm over here in the shadow of the tree. I wanted to talk where we wouldn't be bothered.

The streetlights are really far apart in your neighborhood, aren't they? Lot of dark spaces. Maybe you need floods in front of your garage - the kind with motion sensors, you know? I've been telling you to upgrade your alarm system for a while now. Burglaries across the city. You need security that looks better than your neighbors. They pass you by and hit the next guy. It only makes sense.

Dangerous world, huh? It's going to get worse too. You know it's going to get worse. Someday you're going to be able to live in one of those gated communities. Have a solid private security force. Be able to check anyone before they move next to you. But you don't have that kind of money now. That's not the country you live in now.

Have you thought about getting a gun? I know what you're wife said. She's right about the kids. She's smart. But she's also naive. So what if you don't tell her? How about that? You could hide it somewhere - the vent behind the dresser, maybe. They wouldn't find it, and you'd have it close in case of an emergency. You need to protect the family. They'll thank you.

And that cellar window. You need new locks. And you haven't gotten the unlisted number yet. A lot of bad people out there.

And that young guy who lives just past the corner. What's his name, with the car. He rents the house. He has people coming over at all hours. A couple of robberies have happened nearby. He's doing something wrong. Maybe it's drugs. Anyway, he doesn't belong here. You don't want him near your kids. You don't want him, or his friends, those friends of his, near your wife. So do something about it. There are plenty of things you could do.

It's your home, you know? All that stuff they taught you in school. All that pledge of allegiance nonsense... That doesn't matter in the real world. Not when we're talking about your safety.

Get that guy to leave. Make him.

When it comes to your safety, you just do whatever's necessary. That's the way it is. It's the way it's always been. You're not a bad person. This is still America, right?

I'm glad we had this talk. I look forward to our chats out here. I really understand you. You and all your friends, all your neighbors. Everyone in your town. I've been here for a long time. And whatever you do, I'll always be here for you. I mean it.

Now you go back home now. Kiss those kids of yours.

Kiss them for me.

NOTE:
Once there was a haunted house hidden so well you might be living in it still... Please read The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories - a novel about families and loss, and the ghosts that follow you everywhere.

A Message To America From An Old Friend

Hey. I'm over here in the shadow of the tree. I wanted to talk where we wouldn't be bothered.

The streetlights are really far apart in your neighborhood, aren't they? Lot of dark spaces. Maybe you need floods in front of your garage - the kind with motion sensors, you know? I've been telling you to upgrade your alarm system for a while now. Burglaries across the city. You need security that looks better than your neighbors. They pass you by and hit the next guy. It only makes sense.

Dangerous world, huh? It's going to get worse too. You know it's going to get worse. Someday you're going to be able to live in one of those gated communities. Have a solid private security force. Be able to check anyone before they move next to you. But you don't have that kind of money now. That's not the country you live in now.

Have you thought about getting a gun? I know what you're wife said. She's right about the kids. She's smart. But she's also naive. So what if you don't tell her? How about that? You could hide it somewhere - the vent behind the dresser, maybe. They wouldn't find it, and you'd have it close in case of an emergency. You need to protect the family. They'll thank you.

And that cellar window. You need new locks. And you haven't gotten the unlisted number yet. A lot of bad people out there.

And that young guy who lives just past the corner. What's his name, with the car. He rents the house. He has people coming over at all hours. A couple of robberies have happened nearby. He's doing something wrong. Maybe it's drugs. Anyway, he doesn't belong here. You don't want him near your kids. You don't want him, or his friends, those friends of his, near your wife. So do something about it. There are plenty of things you could do.

It's your home, you know? All that stuff they taught you in school. All that pledge of allegiance nonsense... That doesn't matter in the real world. Not when we're talking about your safety.

Get that guy to leave. Make him.

When it comes to your safety, you just do whatever's necessary. That's the way it is. It's the way it's always been. You're not a bad person. This is still America, right?

I'm glad we had this talk. I look forward to our chats out here. I really understand you. You and all your friends, all your neighbors. Everyone in your town. I've been here for a long time. And whatever you do, I'll always be here for you. I mean it.

Now you go back home now. Kiss those kids of yours.

Kiss them for me.

NOTE:
Once there was a haunted house hidden so well you might be living in it still... Please read The Black Book Of Children's Bible Stories - a novel about families and loss, and the ghosts that follow you everywhere.

The White House spokesperson's real statement about the war with ISIL

"The United States is at war with ISIL in the same way that we are at war with Al-Qaeda and its Al-Qaeda affiliates all around the globe," said White House spokesman Josh Earnest.

"...The same way we were at war with the Iraqi insurgents," he continued, "and the Taliban, both the Afghan and the Pakistani versions. And the way we were at war with the NVA, and with drugs, and with gangs, and with poverty..."

"But also the same way we were at war with the Communists," he added. "And you know what? We totally won that war!"

"Sort of," he said after a pause. "I mean, we owe them all this money. Mostly because they finance all our wars now."

Americans Give In To Fear (A 9/11 Message)



I've recently started doing readings of my work. More to come.

As Americans, We Totally Give In To Fear

My fellow countrymen:

This morning your president lied to you. At a ceremony honoring the victims and survivors of 9/11 he repeated an insidious and harmful fable. I don't blame the man. Honestly. He's only repeating something people in the political and media class have been telling you for more than a decade. But I have to confront the lie. We have to face the truth.

Here's what the president said:

We carry on, because, as Americans, we do not give in to fear.

That's ridiculous. What contemptible nonsense. Who the hell told him to say that? And what country does he think he's talking about?

Americans almost always give in to fear. Giving in to fear is what we do first, before we've tried anything else. Even things that might actually work. You don't have a military bigger than the next dozen militaries in the world unless you're literally scared of everyone else on the planet. On September 11 we witnessed countless acts of heroism, of course. Don't misunderstand me. But the vast majority of people in this country collectively crapped our pants, abandoned our core values, allowed our government to shred the parts of the Constitution it didn't like, and stuffed everyone with an accent into a detention facility. Then we began a campaign of invading all the countries on our to-do list and launching night raids and rocket attacks from flying killer robots. Does any of this sound like refusing to give in to fear?

Getting jumpy and hysterical about threats is what we do as a people. In the past few years we've repeatedly given in to our fear of - and this list is not comprehensive at all - drugs, gay people, African Americans, Mexicans, Iranians, Russians, Chinese, North Koreans, atheists, socialists, the UN, FEMA, Muslims, Arabs, Sikhs, the war against Christmas, the knockout game, the feminist agenda, vaccinations, rainbow parties, and sexting. Unless you are a white man who has just shot a crowd of people in a school, we are ready to overreact to you.

READ THE REST:
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2014/09/as-americans-we-totally-give-in-to-fear.html#.VBH4WvldWSo

We'll Get A 4% Bump In Sales If The Cashiers Have Been Crying

We need to get more aggressive. You already know that. I didn't fly all the way up from Tampa to tell you people something you could have read in the last annual. We have to pump impulse purchases in the short term and Experience Club card enrollments over the entire quarter.

Now listen to me here: The key... is crying.

Yes, crying.

You already know the numbers on the mid-pressure suggestion strategy we put in place last year. We've tweaked it a few times, but we're certain we're at the peak now with associates alternating messaging between the store card and the promotional items. Then they go into high-pressure twice every fifteen minutes to avoid customer burnout and reach max impulse impact.

Anyway we did a pilot program in some of our stores recently, and we discovered the figures jump if the sales associate looks like he or she just came out of the restroom after sobbing for a full 30 minutes and then somehow got their crap together. Sobbing, okay? They don't have to look like someone hit their puppy with a car. They have to look like someone held them at fucking gunpoint and made them run the puppy over themselves.

READ THE REST
http://paulbibeau.blogspot.com/2014/09/well-get-4-bump-in-sales-if-cashiers.html#.VA8f9fldWSo
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