Houston, Texas—U.S. and Russian scientists are increasingly excited about the ISS space station project, which promises to reveal more than has ever been known about the scientific relationship between weightlessness and mortal terror.

Scientists scramble to repair the leaking ammonia in the ISS space station's exterior hull. The large rupture is part of a U.S.-Russia effort to learn more about spaceborne panic.

"By stranding our scientists on a space station with with suddenly faulty wiring, loose hardware, and malfunctioning air systems," NASA head Daniel Goldin said, "we have created extremely favorable conditions for learning about spaceborne panic."

Goldin gestured at the ISS "Disaster Board".

Goldin stated proudly "From here, we can cause random malfunctions, reverse blast the toilet, blow airlock doors, and eject the station's entire supply of toilet paper."

The two Russians and one American on board the station are reportedly terrified beyond lucidity.

Among the groundbreaking experiments conducted on board ISS: a June 25 collision with a cargo craft that depressurized the Spektr module; last week's emergency power shortage, caused by a disconnected cable; and the periodic release of "dry ice" steam that simulates a shipboard fire. All have been deemed a huge success by agency heads.

"They are in a constant state of what aerospace scientists term 'mind-shattering terror,' frightened for their very lives," Russian mission director Vladimir Solovyov said. "And we have not even used the hull-mounted Alien puppet that taps on the window yet."

"We have also taken huge leaps in our understanding of the patterns created when one wets his pants in the weightlessness of space," Solovyov said. "The urine spreads out in an expanding sphere, something we did not expect."

Taking a break from his busy schedule, astronaut Michael Foale told ABC News reporters: "Where is Mommy?"

"Please tell me the access code to the Soyuz capsule," Russian cosmonaut Aleksandr Lazutkin said. "I would like to return to the chaotic government and widespread hunger of my homeland."

Scientists expect to gain even more useful data during an experiment at 3 a.m. tomorrow. As the astronauts sleep, whirling red siren lights will flood the cabin while an ear-splitting klaxon alarm jolts them awake. Detailed scientific data will then be collected on such variables as open weeping, defecation and hair loss.





I take no credit. I Modified and updated from the original Onion article here:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/mir-scientists-study-effects-of-weightlessness-on,1211/

Live Stream celebration!

http://www.twitch.tv/ccp?utm_campaign=live_embed_click&utm_source=

Source: Talking points Memo




NEW YORK (AP) — A man who dresses up as Cookie Monster in Times Square turned down a plea deal in a New York City case accusing him of shoving a 2-year-old after his mother refused to tip him.

Osvaldo Quiroz-Lopez is charged with endangering the welfare of a child.

The Daily News (http://nydn.us/10XHa0r ) says the plea deal would have let him off with two years of anger management counseling and two days of community service.

Quiroz-Lopez turned down the offer on Wednesday after prosecutors said he would have to plead guilty to the charge.

___________________
C is for Conviction.

Thats good enough for me...


Read more: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/times-square-cookie-monster-rejects-plea-deal-over-allegedly-shoving-child.php?ref=fpb

The CSM Vote 2013 (CSM 8)

CSM are Players slected by fellow players to represent our interests to CCP

Dead Island Riptide is a first person hacking-and-slashing game about killing zombies. Like many video games that involve zombies, it uses well-worn tropes from the undead archive in its story. Every so often when I was exploring the vast, gorgeously rendered tropical archipelago that constitutes the game’s open world, for instance, I’d come across a hapless survivor.

“Help me!” they would always shout from atop some barricade as their less fortunate, brain-hungry brethren nipped at their feet from below. Post-apocalyptic stories inevitably prompt the question, “What would you do in the face of such horror?” and since I like to imagine that I’ll be on the morally defensible side of the zombie apocalypse, I would make sure to help. At least at first, because every time I did help one of them, something strange happened. One middle-aged man who looked like he hadn’t slept for days thanked me profusely, telling me that he needed to go find his family. Then he sat back down on the roof of the mobile home from which I just rescued him and stared blankly forward. Another barely finished thanking me before he demanded I go find his camera. When I returned with it, he took the staring blankly route too.

Eventually I stopped helping these people, but still they would appear. A blood red notification “Help Megan” popped up on the screen every time I accelerated my motor boat around a dangerous turn in the island’s river, hoping that none of the zombies noticed me long enough to divert their attention away from her. I felt bad about abandoning this virtual victim the first time I passed by her, and told myself all of the ugly rationalizations that befit me as a player. I was going to save an entire village, I reasoned, and getting trapped knee-deep in a murky river with nothing but a baseball bat and a slow-moving motorboat wouldn’t help either of us. The ugliness of Dead Island’s moral universe worked, in other words.

http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2013/04/23/video-game-review-dead-island-riptide/

The Orginal, fantastic Dead Island Trailer -As good as any Horror movie trailer, if not better