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ThisThreadIsSatire

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Member since: Thu Nov 6, 2008, 01:01 PM
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Romney in Israel: “Governments Should Spend Like Jews”

- July 28, 2012 -

A mere 48 hours after impressing London residents in a manner unmatched by a foreign dignitary since renowned German aerospace engineer Wernher von Braun shared with them his love of rocketry some seventy years ago, former Massachusetts governor and one-time presidential candidate Mitt Romney brought his three-nation ‘Barnstormer of Charm’ tour to Israel Saturday. And speaking at an international economic symposium at Tel Aviv University, he delivered remarks many experts agree may even overshadow his Olympic performance.

Sharing his views on current global economic conditions, most notably the Eurozone crisis and the slow rate of recovery in the United States, an uncharacteristically emotional Romney whipped the crowd into a frenzy when he concluded his remarks by offering his solution while simultaneously paying his own unique form of tribute to his audience’s heritage.

“For far too long, liberal and socialist policies have led not only to increased dependence on government, but also to unsustainable budget deficits,” the man many from England now refer to affectionately as the ‘taxation tallywacker’ lectured. “Governments have been spending money like they’re drunken sailors when they should be spending like they’re Jews.”

So impressed was the Sabbath day crowd in attendance that immediately following the speech, calls went out to prestigious academic fraternity Delta Tau Chi to bestow – for the first time upon a Mormon on Israeli soil – its highest honor, “The Goy Clip”, a ritual form of retaliatory circumcision.

Reaction in the United States was not only overwhelmingly positive, but also unusually bipartisan.

Conservative radio personality and amateur pharmacist Rush Limbaugh was quick to praise Romney’s statesmanship.

“He not only sent a message to the rest of the world about the importance of getting their fiscal houses in order,” the porcine pill-popper gushed, “but he also made it clear to our key ally in the region that even though the United States is a Christian nation, we nonetheless appreciate many of the positive aspects of their Jewness.”

Pueblo State University professor Newton Toomey, a former aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton who was recently pressured by Congressional Republicans to resign after being heard on a wiretapped phone conversation uttering the words ‘Muslim Brotherhood’, also praised Romney for “forever improving future relations with Israel by ensuring their leaders will be much more receptive to dealing with an American President who has ‘Hussein’ in his name.”

© 2012 The Desperate Blogger. This article is reproduced by permission of the author. All rights reserved.
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Sat Jul 28, 2012, 01:02 PM (32 replies)

BREAKING: Romney Selects Florida’s West as Running Mate

SATIRE

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Willard ‘Mitt’ Romney stunned the political establishment and left pundits scrambling for their notes this morning when he announced his choice of freshman Florida Congressman Allen West to round out the GOP ticket. If Romney is elected, West would become the first African American and only the third paranoid schizophrenic to hold the office of Vice President of the United States.

Making his first public appearance with a black man, Romney praised West’s “… keen understanding of the vital issues we face born from a distinguished career in service to our country,” before noting, “And look at him — his hair is just the right length.”

Speaking to reporters gathered at his family vacation compound in the tony New Hampshire enclave of Lake Weepissondappor, the former Massachusetts Governor and Prep School ‘prankster’ quickly dismissed the notion that race played a factor in his decision:

“Allen understands, as I do, the empirical threat to the United States posed by the Soviet Union and will work with me in continuing the good work he has already begun to root out Communists in Congress as well as other areas of government. He also understands – as he discussed with voters just yesterday – that the economic policies pursued by President Obama will ultimately lead to government enslavement of the American worker – something we firmly believe is better left to the private sector.”

West, a Tea Party favorite sure to solidify support for Romney among African American fascists, was not on most experts’ ‘Veepstakes’ radar despite being touted for the post by the likes of Herman Cain, South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, and former Miss Alaska runner-up Sarah Palin. Last April, Palin told her Fox News colleague Sean Hannity, “I love that he has military experience – 20 years and all of it in integrated units… He understands the Constitution. He understands our national foreign policy issues that must be addressed. And for my money, he’s still the best to ever play Batman.”

According to Sterling Lazar, a senior Romney staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, the GOP standard-bearer only learned who Rep. West was because of a chance meeting about three months ago. As Lazar explained it:

“It was a black-tie fundraiser at the Waldorf-Astoria. Gov. Romney saw a black gentleman in a tux, and naturally assuming he was a waiter, asked him to fetch some water. Congressman West politely explained that he was there as a guest speaker, but joked that as far as the election was concerned, he’d be happy to carry the Governor’s water all the way to the White House. The two bonded instantly. By the end of the evening, Congressman West was calling the Governor ‘Sgt. Cutter’ and the Governor was calling him ‘Gunga Bro’. As the Governor once told me, it’s hard to understand the closeness and comfort level the two men share unless you’ve seen ‘The Help’.”


Conservative pundits were quick to praise Romney’s decision. Syndicated radio host and renowned amateur pharmacist Rush Limbaugh echoed the sentiments of many when he asked, “What better way to highlight the difference between the candidates than to put a native-born, non-Muslim black man on the ticket?”

Calls to Obama campaign headquarters in Chicago were answered only with uncontrollable giggling and the sound of champagne corks popping in the background.

TheDesperateBlogger.com
Posted by ThisThreadIsSatire | Wed Jul 4, 2012, 11:02 AM (2 replies)
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