Spectrum Brands, makers of the George Foreman Grill®, announced yesterday that they have reached an agreement in principle with former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney to endorse their latest small kitchen appliance, The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro®.
Company spokesman Liam Toomey unveiled a prototype of the new product at a press conference in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where candidate Romney was scheduled to be campaigning for the upcoming Republican primary. “We were expecting the governor to be here,” Toomey told the reporters present, “but apparently he changed his mind at the last minute.”
The press conference featured a demonstration of the Waffle-Pro®, showing off the feature which the manufacturer claims makes this product revolutionary — a ‘reset’ button which allows its top surface to pivot, instantly converting the unit that just produced an attractive but unhealthy snack or breakfast into ‘The Mitt Romney Health-Pro® Vegetable Griller/Steamer’. “We feel that the same versatility which allows this product to instantly address and cater to what would seem on the surface to be diametrically opposed dietary cravings will make it as popular with consumers as its namesake is with moderates,” Toomey noted.
The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro® is expected to be available in stores August 27 to coincide with the opening of the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Toomey also announced that Gov. Romney is expected to give “… what should be a memorable — if not historic — nationally televised waffle demonstration the day after the convention.”
What started out as an historic address by the most prominent religious leader ever to stand before a joint session of Congress descended into chaos yesterday as a visibly irate Jesus Christ, apparently responding to incessant hissing, booing, and heckling from the Republican side of the aisle, leapt from the podium and stormed the House chamber — screaming at the membership and throwing furniture indiscriminately.
Order was finally restored only after what appeared to be a legion of Capitol police finally subdued the religious scholar and philosopher viewed by many as their Lord and Savior.
One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?” According to The Bronze Clod, “I had a feeling it would be a long evening for our guest when before he uttered a word, (Mississippi Republican) Gregg Harper objected to the Chair recognizing him, insisting that he first lower the hood of his robe in compliance with House rules regarding hats. I’m pretty sure there were also others whose suspicions were aroused when He appeared wearing a hoodie. Frankly, you’d think He would have known better.”
The evening only became more contentious after that.
In His prepared remarks, Jesus (as He told His audience He likes to be called) implored the members of Congress to allow the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans to expire as scheduled at the end of the year, close tax loopholes for the wealthiest individuals and most successful corporations, and increase funding for social safety net programs such as food stamps, Medicaid, housing, welfare and unemployment insurance.
This proposal was greeted with boos and jeers from the Republican contingent, with audible comments emanating from their ranks which included, “That’s Socialism”, “Hippie”, and “Get a job — after you take a bath and get a haircut!”
Jesus responded to these outbursts by saying, “A little over 2000 years ago, I suggested to a rich young man that if he wanted to be perfect, he should go and sell what he had, and give to the poor, and he would have treasure in heaven; and he should come and follow me. Over the years, I have realized that nobody — especially nobody in this Chamber — is perfect. But for Christ’s sake — and in this case, that would be Me — we’re only talking about a lousy 4%.”