More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

(No. 15 in a series)

It's April Fool's Day once more, and since "Fools" and "Today's Republican Party" are pretty much the same thing, time for another look into the world of right-wing doublethink.

Because it just has to keep being said:

* Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on birth control and abortion is a "War on religion". Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on the death penalty, immigration, caring for the poor, and the Iraq War is not.

Perhaps the most unexpected update ever:

* Vladimir Putin is a horrible, evil Communist dictator who oppresses his people and should never be trusted. Vladimir Putin's strong leadership and stand against gays are moral and commendable.

Slight update to an old one because of the January polar vortex:

* When it piles up record cold and snow during winter, it proves that climate change is a hoax. When there's record heat and drought in many parts of the country, it doesn't prove anything about climate change because it's summer, after all.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* It was good that Martin Bashir was fired for saying mean things about Sarah Palin. It was a bad thing when Phil Robertson was suspended for an entire week just for saying mean things about gays and blacks and supporting pedophilia.

* You hate the over-commercialization of Christmas, and stood in line on Black Friday to buy Sarah Palin's ghost writer's new book about it.

* You insist that improving the mental health system, not gun control, is the solution to mass shootings. You oppose efforts to improve the mental health system because it costs money.

* The Federal Government should have no role in local education decisions, unless those in local control are Democrats.

* Excessive regulation and government micromanagement of private industry led to the leak of a toxic chemical from a West Virginia coal processing plant into the state’s water system.

* Wooden sticks are a dangerous weapon that need to be banned from government facilities. Guns are not.

* Supporting equal pay and reproductive freedom=denigrating women. Sticking wands into their vaginas, taking away their contraception, and telling them to get back into the kitchen and make their man a sandwich=supporting women.

* Increasing taxes on the rich is exactly the same thing as loading them into box cars, shipping them to concentration camps, and gassing them.

* Threatening to throw someone off a balcony = "Professionalism" and "respect"

* You support equal pay laws by voting against them every chance you get.

* The MSNBC staffer's tweet about "rightwing" offense at the Cheerios Super Bowl ad with a multiracial family was disgusting and inappropriate--because clearly the Coke ad that had people speaking languages other than English was the far more offensive one.

* Rush Limbaugh isn't as fat as Michelle Obama.

* You're an oil company executive who totally supports fracking--unless it's going to be close enough to your mansion to affect your property values.

* You decry your party's reputation as "the stupid party" while giving awards to racist, homophobic, pedophilic reality TV stars.

* You're a Republican congressman who personally received $1 million in Medicaid benefits after you got drunk, crashed your car and were paralyzed, but oppose Medicaid expansion in your state.

* George W. Bush's budget director--let me repeat that, because it bears repeating: GEORGE W. BUSH'S BUDGET DIRECTOR-- has the credibility to question anyone else in regards to deficits and debt.

* You think gays are all sick pedophiles, while at the same time fantasize about marrying a 14 year-old girl because you can mold her into someone who will gladly "pick your ducks" for you.

* "Free market" = Banning the direct sale of electric cars.

One straight from Bill In Portland of Daily Kos:
* Aid for rural folks who have fallen on tough times is helping real Americans pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Aid for urban folks who have fallen on tough times is encouraging inner-city moochers.

* You think CNN talks too much about the missing Malaysian airliner. You eagerly await every update about Benghazi on Fox News.

* You are outraged that Russia invaded a smaller country under bullshit pretenses. You ardently supported the Iraq War.

* The idea that humans evolved from primates is "vain". The idea that humans are the most favored and perfect creation in the entire universe of billions of stars in billions of galaxies is not.