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Fritz67

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Member since: Thu Jun 23, 2005, 10:16 PM
Number of posts: 174

About Me

Just to help find my old journal entries, Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: http://journals.democraticunderground.com/Fritz67

Journal Archives

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: US 240 Edition

Today marks the 240th Anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, and by tradition is the United States' birthday, which is celebrated with fireworks, cookouts, and great prices on mattresses!!!

The bad news is that we have four more months to go in an election season that already seems to have lasted about two hundred and forty years all by itself. The polls look good for Secretary Clinton right now, so hopefully this won't be the United State's last birthday.

(No. 23 in a series)

Some revisiting of older entries:

The list that will continue to inevitably grow:

* Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, Mike Pence, Ben Carson, and Robert Morrow are intelligent, rational human beings.

A few of the past mentions of Der Drumpfenfuror, updated where necessary:

* Donald Trump is qualified to be President because of his business expertise in multiple bankruptcies, losing money on casinos, and having high profile business partners sever their ties with him.

* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.

* Getting sent to military school is just as good as actually serving in the military.

* After thirty-five years of bellicose anti-government, anti-immigrant, anti-science, pro-rich rhetoric it is shocking and confusing that an obnoxious, ignorant, racist billionaire businessman has won the Republican presidential nomination.

* A billionaire who made his money from inheritance, shady land deals, brain-cell killingly stupid reality shows, and incessant self-promotion has earned the right to say that working people's wages are too high.


* A guy who's been married multiple times and has a creepy erotic interest in his own daughter has the moral authority to call Bill Clinton sexist.

* Just because Neo Nazis and the KKK love Donald Trump doesn't mean he's a fearmonger pandering to racists.

* Barack Obama is a horrible tyrant, and the only way to save our country is to vote for a man who admires Vladimir Putin and Kim Jung Un.

* It is terrible that all of our jobs have been sent to China, so you want to elect a guy who has Chinese laborers manufacture his own "signature line"

* A sure sign of the Presidential toughness needed to deal with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, and Daesh is refusing to show up to a debate where a woman may ask tough questions.

* Donald Trump's business record is one of the reasons he is qualified to be President. Do not talk about Donald Trump's business record because doing so is a liberal smear campaign and he'll sue you.

* It is inappropriate of the Pope to question the religious faith of a man who constantly questions Barack Obama and Ted Cruz's religious faith.

All-New All-Different More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A black man wants to make health care more affordable to more people. Not Valid for Hitler Comparisons: A bombastic bigot with a bad haircut wants to stop immigration, persecute believers of a religious minority, torture people, demand loyalty oaths, and punish those who criticize him.

* You're the son of immigrants and support new standards so stringent that your own parents wouldn't have been allowed to stay in the country.

* You can ignore your duties as spelled out in the Constitution if you don't like the current President.

* You think politics has gotten polarized and vile in this country. You approve of Donald Trump encouraging his supporters to beat up protesters.

* The Democratic and Republican parties have the exact same positions on race relations as they had 150 years ago.

* As the Constitution clearly states, Supreme Court Justices are nominated by the Heritage Foundation and approved with the advice and consent of the National Rifle Association.

* You've spent the last seven years making fun of everything Michelle Obama says or does, but are horrified that people are saying things about Melania Trump and Heidi Cruz.

* You resent satire that depicts conservatives as violent and misogynistic, and think the dumb whores that create it should be raped and murdered.

* Laws protecting LGBT Americans are "government overreach". Laws preventing the protection of LGBT Americans are not.

* Threat Requiring Immediate Action: Planned Parenthood. Not A Threat Requiring Immediate Action: Zika.

* A prized endorsement: a failed gubernatorial candidate who emailed pictures of a woman having sex with a horse.

* You complain about musicians "discriminating" against Christians just because they canceled their shows due to your law discriminating against LGBT people.

* You're glad the "Fairness Doctrine" was junked, but are enraged by allegations that Facebook blacklists "topics of conservative interest" from their news feeds.

* Discussing what Hillary Clinton's husband did in the 1990's is a valid topic for criticism. Discussing what Donald Trump did in the 1990's is a "low" blow and a smear campaign based on dredging up old, irrelevant news.

* A True Christian will forgive Donald Trump for cheating on his three wives, but not Bill Clinton for cheating on his one wife. Or her for being cheated on.

Because, of course, as we saw on the last list:
* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married avatar of Mammon who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, and can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is.

* "Acting Presidential": insulting a sitting female United States Senator on Twitter.

* The proper response to an editorial writer comparing Trump's campaign positions to fascism is clearly to call the writer a dumb Jew and suggest that he and all the other dumb Jews be shipped to concentration camps.

* Violent felons who have served their time should be allowed to have whatever firearms they want. Violent felons who have served their time should never be allowed to vote ever again.

* Donald Trump's campaign being broke despite getting the equivalent of two billion dollars of free, obsequious media coverage is a sure sign that he's the kind of financial wizard we want making Federal budget decisions.

* Indiana is in Mexico. New York City is in Afghanistan.

(I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this from someone who also thinks Hawaii is in Kenya)

* Four justices out of nine would have made a majority.

(I think we're seeing one of the reasons Drumpf has been bankrupt so many times--he can't freakin' count!!!)

I think opiods ARE involved here, but not in the way they're suggesting...

* Ethanol causes drug abuse.

Oh, just one more shot at Hair Furor's followers...

* Donald Trump's constant boasting and construction of gaudy buildings bearing his name in giant letters show that he's a humble servant of the people and God. Hillary Clinton is a dangerous egomaniac who's only in it for herself.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today: Leap Day 2016 Edition

There are a number of things that happen only once every four years:

* The Summer Olympics

* February has 29 days instead of 28 (well, technically, in years ending with -00 but not equally divisible by 400 they don't, but that won't happen again until 2100 and I doubt most of us will be here to see that)

* The Republican Party puts on a circus of the inane to find the dumbest, most bigoted asshole they can--and run him for President!!!

So here we go, on this Leap Day we leap into the swamps of right wing doublethink once more.

(No. 22 in a series)


A few returning entries, first.

The staggering hypocrisy of Birthers who support Calgary Cruz:

* A man born in Canada to an American mother and a foreign father is eligible to be President; a man born in Hawaii to an American mother and a foreign father is not.

Since Cliven Bundy's hellish drop were in the news in January:

* The government has no right to stop cattle grazers from illegally using public land for their private gain.

* You revere the Founders, the Flag, and the Constitution, but deny the existence of the Federal Government created by the Founders and the Constitution.

* A deadbeat rancher who refuses to pay his grazing fees has the moral authority to cast aspersions on other people accepting "government subsidies".

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You're not a bigot. You just think homosexuals are sick, unnatural, Satanic, and deserving of no legal protection or the right to marry.

* You're not a sexist. You just think women are nothing but baby machines and servants.

* Anybody who sheds tears over the brutal murder of first graders has to be faking it.

* A guy who's been married multiple times and has a creepy erotic interest in his own daughter has the moral authority to call Bill Clinton sexist.

* Just because Neo Nazis and the KKK love Donald Trump doesn't mean he's a fearmonger pandering to racists.

* Barack Obama is a horrible tyrant, and the only way to save our country is to vote for a man who admires Vladimir Putin and Kim Jung Un.

* The release of 10 US Sailors and five other prisoners by the Iranians, using diplomacy instead of threats and warfare, is a bad thing.

* The water crisis in Flint, Michigan was undoubtedly caused by excessive government regulation. (I haven't actually seen that claim yet, but give it time...)

* You're big on "small government" and "personal responsibility" right up until your own policies poison thousands of people and you need federal disaster relief money.

* Daesh is going to invade the posh section of Miami any day now.

* It is terrible that all of our jobs have been sent to China, so you want to elect a guy who has Chinese laborers manufacture his own "signature line"

* The embodiment of Christian values: a thrice-married avatar of Mammon who doesn't know much about the Bible, lusts after his own daughter, and can't open his mouth without bragging about how awesome he is.

* A sure sign of the Presidential toughness needed to deal with Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, and Daesh is refusing to show up to a debate where a woman may ask tough questions.

* You blame the shooting death of an unarmed black teenager by a policeman or a vigilante on the black teenager. You blame the death of a militant occupying a Federal facility who pulled a gun on the FBI on the FBI and the entire US government.

* The protections of the 14th Amendment apply to embryos, but not to LGBT adults.

* Donald Trump's business record is one of the reasons he is qualified to be President. Do not talk about Donald Trump's business record because doing so is a liberal smear campaign and he'll sue you.

* It's okay if the highest court in the land is short handed for basically an entire year.

* Ronald Reagan nominating a Supreme Court justice in the year his successor would be elected was a just and proper use of Constitutional executive authority. Barack Obama nominating a Supreme Court justice in the year his successor is to be elected is a blatant overreach and antithetical to the proper use of Constitutional executive authority.

* We must honor Antonin Scalia's devotion to "strict constructionism" of the Constitution by keeping the President from nominating a Supreme Court Justice during the last year of the President's term. It's got to say something about that in the Constitution somewhere, right?

* You can literally wallow in your own shit for a month to avoid begin sent to Vietnam but still call yourself a war hero.

* It's impossible that a 79 year old man with a history of heart troubles and high blood pressure could have died of natural causes.

* It is inappropriate of the Pope to question the religious faith of a man who constantly questions Barack Obama and Ted Cruz's religious faith.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, War On Christmas 2015 Edition

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

War On Christmas 2015 Edition

(No. 21 in a series)




Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican During the Holiday Season Today:

* "Happy Holidays" is a vile, offensive slur.

* A Turkish saint and a Jewish carpenter from Palestine were both white.

* The true hero of "It's a Wonderful Life" is Mister Potter, the visionary Job Creator, and the villain is that communist George Bailey.


In a similar vein...

* "A Christmas Carol" is a horror story, the tale of a practical, thrifty Job Creator who was turned into a communist after being stalked and brainwashed by some ghosts.

The list that will continue to inevitably grow:

* Donald Trump, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, Mike Pence, and Ben Carson are intelligent, rational human beings.

And a rewrite, which I haven't dragged out in a while, surprisingly:

* Political discourse has gone rotten in this country, and the filthy stupid evil America-hating terrorist-loving rapist atheist Muslin communist socialist Nazi liberals are to blame for it.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* A United States Senator who doesn't show up and do his job for over a month has the moral authority to loudly call for Federal workers who "aren't doing their job" to be fired.

* The Speaker of the House should not have to choose between spending time at work and time with his family. No one else should have this choice.

* You cite "character" as one of your qualifications for office while fabricating your past.

* "Witch Hunt" = Reporters seeking to verify Ben Carson's claims of a violent past. "Not a Witch Hunt" = Multiple committee and millions of taxpayer dollars spent trying to find something to pin on Hillary Clinton about Benghazi.

* Crazy = "The voices in my head told me to start a cult, kill fashion models, and rape little boys so that I can become king of the monkey people"; Not Crazy = "God told me to run for President so that I can start a war with Iran, kill millions of heathens and blasphemers, and bring Jesus back."

* A billionaire who made his money from inheritance, shady land deals, brain-cell killingly stupid reality shows, and incessant self-promotion has earned the right to say that working people's wages are too high.

* Because of concerns that potential terrorists could use lax gun laws to procure weapons, the proper answer is keeping Syrian refugees out of the area with lax gun laws.

* Offensive: A woman in a flag hijab. Not offensive: A Watergate burglar in a flag Speedo

* Daesh is the new Hitler, the most horrible evil thing in the world, and an immediate existential threat to the United States; but the only reason people run away from them is because they want paid vacations.

* Planned Parenthood and doctors that provide abortion services are inhuman monsters perpetrating "barbaric atrocities against humanity". It is shocking and horrifying that the occasional "lone nut" commits crimes against those inhuman monsters, and in no way do the "pro-life" movement and the Republican party endorse those crimes or bear any responsibility for them.

* When an act of Islamic terrorism is committed, "No one acts in isolation". When an act of Christian terrorism is committed, it's disgraceful to point out the role of religion.

* It enrages you when some demonic monster who kills babies and sells their body parts for money accuses pro-lifers of "inflammatory rhetoric"

* You're crapping your pants in fear of terrorists, but not enough to make it illegal for them to get guns.


* Life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth, especially if their parents are related to people you don't like.
(Actually, this is nothing new)


Whichever holiday you celebrate, whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, the Saturnalia, Life Day, something else, or none at all--have a good one!

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, Trump Orange Pumpkin Edition

Boy, remember the good old days, when the Presidential election season didn't really start until after Labor Day? The Labor Day of the actual year the election was taking place in? Well, Halloween is always an appropriate season to talk about the latest instances of Republican doublethink, so here we go in the twentieth installment of an irregularly released series (about irregular people)

First a few restatements and updates.

Remember when Trump opened his mouth to slam John McCain's war record?
* Bill Clinton was a draft dodger for not serving in Vietnam. But it was okay for Dick Cheney, George W. and Jeb Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Dan Quayle, Tom Delay, Tom Tancredo, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, and Willard Mitt Romney not to go.

(Can you believe I actually haven't had to update that one in a while?)

The (almost literally) All-Day Benghazi Inquisition reminds us:

* You spend millions of taxpayer dollars investigating the Clinton's land deals, Bill Clinton's blow jobs, and Benghazi, then turn around and accuse the Democrats of wasteful spending.

* You voted for cuts to State Department embassy security budgets, and are angry about the Benghazi attack.

* The intelligence failures of September 11, 2001 (3000 dead) are forgivable. The intelligence failures of September 11, 2012 (four dead) are not.

Because a lot of the Teabaggers hate that whole "birthright citizenship" thing, from the very first list:

* You show how strictly you follow the Constitution by wanting to ignore the First, Fourth, Fifth, Thirteenth, Fourteenth, and Sixteenth Amendments. Well, really all the amendments except the Second, and sometimes the Tenth.

Right-wing furor over same sex marriage always brings to mind...

* The Bible is the inerrant, literal word of God when it talks about the Earth being created in six days and homosexuality being an abomination. The Bible is a flawed work interpreted by errant humans when it talks about loving your neighbor; turning the other cheek; and the evils of greed, mixed-fiber clothing, and shellfish.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

Once again, telling about things Republicans actually do is bad...
* "Trash Talk"--talking about Scott Walker's record as Governor of Wisconsin.

And...
* "Playing Politics"--quoting something Kevin McCarthy actually said.

* People who opposed the continued display of a symbol of armed treason and racism, a full century and a half after the revolt it represents failed, are the ones "living in the past"

* Americans aren't working hard enough, but they shouldn't be paid more even when they work more hours.


* Criticism of a war veteran is disgusting and offensive--unless that war veteran is John Kerry, Max Cleland, or Tammy Duckworth. Or even John McCain when he runs against a Bush.

* You don't believe in funding veteran's aid programs, but throw a massive fit every time somebody criticizes a (Republican) veteran.

* A $75 million retirement package is an "outrage" and shows that the retiree was "exploited"

* You decry the vocational skill gap in American workers while attacking teacher's unions and pushing to cut school funding.

* Research on fetal tissue is immoral and disgusting, except when a conservative doctor with Presidential ambitions does it.

* No abortions for ten year olds impregnated by rape. The little slut probably had it coming.

* An international agreement curtailing Iran's nuclear program will make it easier for Iran to get nuclear weapons and kill us all.

* A Constitutional Amendment won't hold up in Federal court.

* A Republican donor who uses the internet to cheat on his wife has the moral authority to cast aspersions on Bill and Hillary Clinton's marriage.

* You've been married four times and had children out of wedlock, but get the vapors at the thought of issuing marriage licenses to homosexual couples.

* You throw a fit over the spectre of "Sharia law" but fully support a county clerk who won't do her job for "religious freedom" reasons.

* You're for "state's rights", but throw a fit when the name of a Republican President is taken off a mountain in favor of the name favored by residents of the state containing that mountain.

* Republican Presidents should never ever EVER have their foreign policy initiatives questioned by Congress. Democratic Presidents have to put their foreign policy initiatives up for Congressional approval.

Sometimes, you just can't make stuff up. If slagging John McCain wasn't enough...
* Getting sent to military school is just as good as actually serving in the military.

* After thirty-five years of bellicose anti-government, anti-immigrant, anti-science, pro-rich rhetoric it is shocking and confusing that an obnoxious, ignorant, racist billionaire businessman is leading the polls for the Republican presidential nomination.

* "Clockmaking while Muslim" is a criminal offense.


* You're a pot smoker who runs on an "anti-marijuana" platform.


* A Presidential debate discussing substantive issues instead of self-aggrandizing one-liners and personal attacks is a bad thing.


* "Police, stop killing black people for no discernible reason" = "Police, stop doing your jobs"


Thanks to Scurrilous for this one:
* Someone who settled a $8.9 billion lawsuit against an oil company for $225 million (a mere 2.5% of the original lawsuit) is qualified to call someone else a bad negotiator.

* A talk radio host caught abusing Oxycontin has the moral authority to insinuate someone he doesn't like is "off their meds"

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today--US 239 Edition

For a lot of people in this country, this Independence Day is going to be sweeter than usual. To those who can now get married, and those no longer worried about having their health care taken away, enjoy this day and be thankful for the great (but far from perfect) country we have.

And since freedom includes the freedom to make fun of conservative doublethink, here we go again with another "More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today"!


Time to update this one for the Supreme Court's latest awesome decisions:

* The Supreme Court rulings in favor of marriage equality and health care are unrestrained judicial activism; the Supreme Court rulings in favor of Presidential candidates who lost by a half million votes, state officials who want to gut voting rights, and big corporations and billionaires who want to bribe politicians, are proper uses of judicial power.

And the May 2015 flooding in Texas brought this one out again:

* You scream for federal disaster aid when your state catches fire or drowns in a hurricane, but when it happens somewhere else in the country you vote against federal disaster aid.

Former Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was arrested for paying hush money to a guy he fondled, so naturally...

* Mark Foley, Tom Delay, and Dennis Hastert were Democrats.

Oh, look, Bristol Palin is in the news again...
* If you're an unwed teen mother, you're an irresponsible slut and a social deviant. However, if you're an unwed mother and your own mother is a Republican Vice Presidential candidate, you're an inspiring example and deserve support, sympathy, and loud cheers as you appear on Dancing With The Stars. (Contributed by screwfacecapone)

* Natalie Portman is a terrible person and a bad role model for having a child out of wedlock. Bristol Palin? Why are you bringing her up? What relevance does that have to this discussion?

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* White Christian Men are the most oppressed and victimized group in America today.

* You're a homophobic Republican who sends explicit photos of yourself...to a man.

* You have no problem with rioting when sports teams win or lose championships, but condemn rioting when it's over some unarmed black kid getting killed by the police.

* Government funding to "Duck Dynasty" (via tax incentives) is more important than funding to schools.

* A serial child molester has the moral authority to call LGBT people threats to children.

* Incest and rape are heinous crimes that call for the death penalty, except when your own son molests your daughters--then it's a personal matter requiring prayer and understanding.

* Bernie Sanders isn't a "serious" candidate for President; Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Ted Cruz, George Pataki, and Donald Trump are.

* Two serial adulterers and a child molester had the moral authority to judge Bill Clinton's affair with an intern.

(I just have to share the irony of one of the ThinkProgress commenters on that article: unlike Gingrich, Bill Clinton is still married to the same woman as he was in 1998)

* "Keeping us safe" = 3000 people dying on 9-11-01, anthrax letters, and New Orleans drowning in 2005.

* The mentally ill and domestic abusers should be allowed to have guns.

* You're not offended by guys who molest their sisters, but are offended by transgendered athletes.

Shades of Newt Gingrich and his "falsehoods":
* "Cheap shot": quoting something Jeb Bush actually said.

* Retirement is against the Bible. Unless you're a billionaire, of course.

* A former governor and son and brother of two former Presidents is an "outsider"

* You rail about President Obama's "lawless" Administration while also promising to defy any Supreme Court judgment in favor of marriage equality.

* You're surprised when there are racist murders in a state which still has the flag of an armed, racist insurrection against the United States flying over its capitol.

* An outspoken racist who posted white supremacist screeds all over his website and wrote approvingly of a hate group before going into a church and murdering nine black people is clearly motivated by hatred of religion.

* "Guns don't kill people, pictures do"--Anomaly of Freakoutnation.com

* The government is too lawless and uncountable to the people, which means voting for the dramatic scaling back of oversight of lawmakers and other public officials.

* Donald Trump is qualified to be President because of his business expertise in multiple bankruptcies, losing money on casinos, and having high profile business partners sever their ties with him.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, April Fool Edition (But That's Redundant)

Since today is April Fool's Day, and "Fool" And "Today's Republicans" are synonyms, time for another look into the world of right wing doublethink.


(No. 18 in a series)

The list that will continue to inevitably grow:

* Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, Glenn Grothman, Joni Ernst, and Mike Pence are intelligent, rational human beings.

Restating and updating some older ones for Micheal Brown and Ferguson, MO:

* Assembling peaceably and speaking out against the murderer of an unarmed teenager going free is an "unruly mob". Assembling to wave around assault weapons and scream angrily about "Second Amendment remedies" because the government wants to act against a deadbeat rancher is a "peaceful protest"

* "Walking While Black" is now a capital offense.

* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.

The right-wing outrage about the torture report--not the torture, the report--reminds us...

* Waterboarding is only torture when used against American soldiers in World War 2.

A reminder about a couple of past and potential future GOP Presidential candidates along with several others:

* George HW Bush, George W Bush, Jeb Bush, John McCain, Rand Paul, Steve Forbes, Connie Mack IV, and Willard Mitt Rmoney are all self made men and don't owe their success to anyone else's prior accomplishments.

On a related note (herf herf) I'm waiting to see if this one (an update of one for Willard Mitt Rmoney) comes true:

* Jeb Bush's experiences in education and immigration reform as Governor of Florida and his family history of government service are his major qualifications to be President. Actually talking about Jeb Bush's record in education and immigration reform as Governor of Florida, or his brother George W. Bush, are a liberal smear campaign.

And because apparently elections have consequences, but only when Republicans win:

* Bipartisanship means Republicans and Democrats coming together to do exactly what Republicans want.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* More people participating in choosing who their leaders will lead to an authoritarian country, while less people having a say in who their leaders are better represents the desires of the populace.

* When Reagan and Bush 41 extended amnesty to immigrant family members, it was just and proper. When Obama extends amnesty to immigrant family members, it's a massive overreach and he's an out of control imperial president.

* Another capital offense: Selling loose cigarettes. Summary execution is allowed.

* The Bill of Rights reads as follows:

Article 1: Congress shall make no law promoting the establishment of non-Christian religions, or prohibiting the establishment and free exercise of conservative Christianity.
Article 2: The right of white people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.
Article 10: States have the rights to ignore Federal laws they don't like, unless it's a Federal laws that conservatives approve of.

* You're not pissed off that the Bush Administration and the CIA broke international law and tortured people--you're pissed off that the Senate released a report admitting it.

* "Small government" = sticking stuff up people's butts to make them talk

* You're opposed to opening relations with Cuba because of their poor human rights record, but have no trouble with us torturing people at places like...Gitmo.

* Hillary Clinton (born: October 26, 1947) it too old to be President. Mitt Rmoney (born: March 12, 1947) is not.

* The Keystone XL pipeline is vital to America; so vital, in fact, that efforts to keep it from being built with foreign materials and to prevent the oil pumped through it from being sold to foreign markets must be opposed.

* An expensive pipeline to carry toxic sludge across the entire country is vital to American energy interests. An expensive transmission line to carry clean energy from New Mexico to other Western states is a threat to national security.

* "There is a mandate" = Republicans won the last election. "Be bipartisan and don't overreach" = Democrats won the last election.

* You're opposed to abortion, but think children in war zones are fair game.

* American teachers and firefighters protesting to keep their collective bargaining rights from being taken away are exactly the same thing as ISIS terrorists beheading people.

* You constantly scream about how President Obama and the Democrats are "weak on terror" but are just fine if the Department of Homeland Security is shut down.

* Just because Bill Kristol's record includes cheer leading for the Iraq War, and recommending Dan Quayle, Sarah Palin, and Tom Cotton for positions of power, doesn't mean his advice shouldn't be listened to.

* Christians are an oppressed minority. Gays and blacks are not.

* Your refusal to provide services to gay customers does not mean you're a bigot.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today, Midterm Madness Edition

(No. 17 in a series)

Tomorrow's the midterm election. VOTE. Because you don't want people like the ones I'm about to talk about running the country.

Restating and updating some older ones for Micheal Brown and Ferguson, MO:

* Assembling peaceably and speaking out against the murder of an unarmed teenager is an "unruly mob". Assembling to wave around assault weapons and scream angrily about "Second Amendment remedies" because the government wants to act against a deadbeat rancher is a "peaceful protest"

* "Walking While Black" is now a capital offense.

* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.

It's actually been a while since I felt like this old favorite needed updating. Then I read all about a certain candidate for the House of Representatives in Wisconsin...

* Michelle Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Alan West, Todd Akin, Joe Walsh, Ted Cruz, Steve Stockman, EW Jackson, and Glenn Grothman are intelligent, rational human beings.


More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* Ruining your car's exhaust system is a great way to protest environmental regulation.

* Soccer is a gay abomination.

* You spend millions of taxpayer dollars investigating the Clinton's land deals, Bill Clinton's blow jobs, and Benghazi, then turn around and accuse the Democrats of wasteful spending.

* You're angry about all the children coming across the border from Mexico, but don't want to spend any money to do anything about it.

* Men who have lots of sex are awesome, manly studs. Women who have lots of sex are filthy whores. Homosexuality is icky and wrong. There's no inherent contradiction in combining those three sentences.

One pretty much straight from Hunter on Daily Kos:
* Wheelchair ramps are the gateway to world domination by the UN.


* The House of Representatives has no plans to impeach President Obama, and the suggestion that it does or should is all the work of Democrats like Sarah Palin, Allen West, Steve King, Darrel Issa, Tom Coburn, Jason Chaffetz, James Inhofe, Ted Yoho, Joe Miller, Jack Kingston, Joni Ernst, Randy Weber, the South Dakota Republican Party, and all those Tea Partiers who show up at town halls.

I sometimes (well, a lot of the time) exaggerate these things. This is not one of those times:

* You refuse Medicaid expansion in your state, then blame the President that there are so many uninsured people.

Yeah.

* You think there are too many frivolous law suits. You support suing President Obama for trying to do his job.

* It is a complete outrage that someone who works for the Nazi Communist Muslim N****r Gay Tyrant President Obozo wrote an email referring to conservatives as "assholes"

* Immediately after suing the President for "executive overreach" you beg him to take "executive action" because you can't get your own party to do anything either.

Nope. Not making that one up: http://www.democraticunderground.com/1017206402

* Joe Biden, the Clintons, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Dick Durbin, Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders are waging a war on white people.

* Registering black people to vote is "disgusting", "inappropriate", and a "tragedy".

* "Pro Marriage Family Values" = Blame your corruption charges on your wife's affair with a con-man.

* You scream "criminalization of politics!" every time a Republican gets caught breaking the law and is arrested for it, while you wanted to impeach Bill Clinton for getting a blow job and to impeach Barack Obama for being elected while black.

* Muslims are dangerous because they follow a bunch of bearded fanatics who advocate "convert to our religion or we'll kill you" policies. Phil Robertson is a great American patriot and everyone should watch his show.

* Football players beating up their girlfriends/wives are no big deal.

* Football player who beat up their girlfriends/wives are also manlier than those who don't.

* Oh, and it's also okay for football players to beat the crap out of their kids, too.

* Solar panels should be banned. Fracking should not.

* Rachel Maddow is too partisan for Meet The Press. Former Republican Congressman Joe Scarborough is not.

* ISIS is a looming, unavoidable threat to all life on Earth. Climate change is a hoax and even if it isn't it's no big deal.

* You have a job where you don't even have to show up for work for months at a time, barely do anything when you're at work, and insinuate that people who can't find jobs "would rather just sit around"

* You campaign for a job where you don't even have to show up for work for months at a time, barely do anything when you're at work, but think that working people having two days a week off is "ridiculous"

* Disrespectful to The Troops: Saluting them while holding a cup of coffee. Not Disrespectful to The Troops: Calling female soldiers "Boobs on the ground"

* Ebola is a looming, unavoidable threat to all life on Earth, but no extra money should be spent to combat it.

Thirteen Years

(A light update of a post I made three years ago)

It just doesn't seem possible. In some ways it seems like just yesterday.

I was finally getting my first break, and nearing the door to the lounge--dodging the mess, because the store was undergoing remodeling at the time--one of the managers was saying something to one of the guys in sporting goods about "And now I heard the Pentagon just got hit". I had no idea what he was talking about...

Then I got into the break room and saw the television.

The World Trade Center was on fire. I was stunned into silence save for one gallows joke about "Well, at least this means they'll stop talking about Gary Condit for a while" (And if you can't even remember who Gary Condit is, that just sort of makes my point. He was the top story on 9-10 as he had been for weeks)

I saw one of the towers fall, and went numb. I couldn't process it. My fifteen minutes on break came up, and I went back to work. Within an hour, the store was almost deserted. When my shift ended, I joined the line to get my car gassed up--rumor had it gas was about to go to $5 a gallon, so get the $1.95 while you can. It took longer than we thought, but gas eventually did make it to almost $5. I sure miss that $1.95 gas.

It really hit me that evening. I live about a mile north of Indianapolis International Airport (or at least we did then; over the last decade they basically moved a couple miles west), and whenever we have relatives or other company who don't come from here, they often comment about "How do you get anything done with all the airplane noises whenever they take off?" Well, most of the time, we don't notice because we're so used to it.

That evening, I noticed the eerie silence of the airplanes not taking off and landing.

That morning, after the attack, the management set up a radio near the Service Desk and the Bob and Tom Show was on; they're nationally syndicated, but their home base is right here in Indy. Understandably, the canned laughter and jokes about Christy Lee's boobs had fallen to the wayside. I remember Tom Grizwold commenting "What kind of twisted value system approves of something like this?" and couldn't help but agree. Maybe he meant Islam, but that's not what I agreed with.

The "twisted value system" that caused that day is the supreme arrogance that comes from saying "My politics, the exact way I worship God, is so superior to yours that I consider you subhuman and unworthy of continued existence. And not only that, because you don't worship God in the exact same way I do, I will kill myself just to speed along your journey to Hell and mine to Heaven." The twisted value system that says crashing airplanes into buildings full of office workers is somehow a good thing. And let's be clear, it's not an Islam thing: that same twisted value system tells a Good Christian Soldier it's okay to blow up a federal building with a truck bomb or to go into a church (a church) and open fire on a doctor who performs a medical procedure you don't like, or to shoot a congresswoman you disagree with in the head, and take out a bunch of others in the process--including an innocent child who would have celebrated her thirteenth birthday today.

It's the twisted value system that says that because we were attacked, it's okay to go invading other countries even if they had jack shit to do with that attack.

And in the aftermath, that twisted value system has only strengthened the worst of our political leaders. Compassion, empathy, tolerance, education, intelligence, an understanding of science--in this twisted value system, these things are liabilities. The ideal leaders are mush-mouthed fools who leads with raw charisma and "gut", or make up their own words like "Misunderestimate" and "Refudiate", and "What newspapers do you read?" is seen as some sort of "gotcha question"

There were moments of light. The spirit of unity right after the attack. The shining moment six years ago when it looked like the mantle of greed and mendacity was being cast off. Three years ago, American soldiers finally located the fiend behind the attacks and shot him in the eye as he was jacking off in his not-so-hidden Pakistani compound. For a very brief time, that seemed to remind us all of what we had, and what we lost.

But it passed quickly.

When sociopathic billionaires can buy our political process, and those who speak against them doing so are called unpatriotic traitors; when police gun down unarmed teenagers based on their skin color and are loudly defended for it; when armed insurrectionists threaten to shoot government officials and are treated as peaceful protestors while real peaceful protestors are treated like dangerous terrorists; and when a congressman can publicly decry disaster aid to his own earthquake and hurricane ravaged district right after he's helped hold the entire government hostage in an attempt to gut programs that benefit the poor and middle class in favor of keeping tax breaks for rich cocksuckers' private jets, and it takes two more elections for him to be voted out--in favor of a twisted jackal who thought that congressman was too kind and generous with government money--that twisted value system has infected too many of us too deeply.

Terrorists attacked us in hopes of destroying us. They knew three office buildings weren't going to do it--it was what we'd do in reaction to the attack that would do it. And we pretty much did. Massive deficits incurred by one justified but bungled war and one completely unnecessary, unjustified, and just as bungled war .The same war crimes we tried Axis soldiers for after World War II are now actually considered legally murky.

Many of the same architects of those failed policies, instead of being in jail, are on our TVs every Sunday trying to convince us to drive off the cliff into the chasm of perpetual warfare yet again. They aren't even coming up with new arguments, just the same recycled crap they shoved down the throats of scared people eleven years ago. We clearly didn't spend enough blood and treasure the first time--this time we have to get it right!!!

The corporate swine are doing well, but nobody else is.

And the silences about it save for a few places such as DU is just as eerie as the lack of jet takeoffs that warm Tuesday night.

We shot the man who ordered the attacks on us. On the whole, he probably died pretty happy; he's almost won.

Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today (July 2014)

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

(No. 16 in a series)

Two hundred and thirty-eight years ago this week, the American colonies declared their Independence from a world-spanning empire built on the virtual slave labor of a massive class of serfs treated barely any better than cattle by the small class of decadent nobles ruled by an absolute monarch who got the job only because his ancestors had it first. So naturally, those who scream loudest about how "patriotic" they are want to strip away worker's rights, give Paris Hilton and people like her more tax cuts, and elect Jeb Bush to the Presidency. (Actually, it's even scarier than that when you realize that Jeb Bush is arguably the least insane choice among those preparing to run for that party's nomination.)

Anyway, another look into the world of conservative doublethink.

Because those assholes just keep saying it:
* Increasing taxes on the rich is exactly the same thing as loading them into box cars, shipping them to concentration camps, and gassing them.

And of course:

* All life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth.

And more updates:

* It's okay to hit on underage pages, solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom, and cheat on your wife (with or without diapers, payoffs, rentboys, or trips to Argentina) as long as you're a Good Christian(TM).

* You were revolted by the thought of degenerate perverts Anthony Wiener and Elliot Spitzer returning to public office. You support Mark Sanford's return to public office, and are a fan of David Vitter and Vance McAllister.

* Sending racy Tweets and pictures of yourself to a woman you aren't married to is a much more serious crime than actually having sex with someone you aren't married to--ie a prostitute, your friend's wife, your staffers, Congressional pages, women in Argentina, rentboys, ect.


* You aren't racist; you're just sick of all African Americans being lazy, violent criminals who milk the system, refuse to be literate and speak proper English, and you think they were better off as livestock picking cotton on a plantation.

* Corporations are people. Women are not.

* Government officials should never get between a patient and their doctor--that is the just and proper roll of insurance company claims adjusters and the owners of the company the patient works for.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* A black teenager in his own neighborhood not bothering or harming anyone or anything deserved to be shot and killed. A Du Pont trust fund heir who raped his own three year old daughter shouldn't have to go to jail because he "Wouldn't do well there".


* "Family values" = Playing pro baseball is more important that the birth of your child.


* Wanting to mandate equal pay for equal work is a "bizarre obsession"; Do I even need to say "Benghazi"?

* You oppose equal pay for equal work, and are confused about why more women don't vote for you.

* The government has no right to stop cattle grazers from illegally using public land for their private gain.

* Wind is a finite resource, and harvesting it contributes to global warming. Oil is an infinite resource, and harvesting it has no effect on the climate


* "Free Market" and "Small Government" = Making people who put up their own solar panels and thus use less power from the energy companies pay a monthly fee as punishment.


* Hank Aaron is a stupid dumbass n****r for thinking there's still racism in the country.


* You revere the Founders, the Flag, and the Constitution, but deny the existence of the Federal Government created by the Founders and the Constitution.

* A deadbeat rancher who refuses to pay his grazing fees has the moral authority to cast aspersions on other people accepting "government subsidies".

* Weighting college admissions based on whether or not an applicant is of a minority race is wrong. Weighting college admissions based on whether or not an applicant is related to a rich alumnus and potential donor is just and fair.

* You're a staunch believer in democracy who thinks that women and minorities shouldn't have the right to vote.


* You voted for cuts to State Department embassy security budgets, and are angry about the Benghazi attack.

* You voted for cuts to the Department of Veterans Affairs, and are angry about the VA's problems in providing proper treatment to veterans.


* A guy who sold arms to terrorists in exchange for hostages has the moral authority to question the prisoner exchange deal made for Bowe Bergdahl


* Bowe Bergdahl was an American hero, and his imprisonment by the Taliban was intolerable until Barack Obama successfully freed him, at which time Bowe Bergdahl became a Jihadist and a traitor.


* Military prisoner exchanges are now impeachable high crimes and misdemeanors, like blowing an intern ( but not like lying a country into an unnecessary war)

* Bowe and Bo Bergdahl are terrorists. Jared and Amanda Miller aren't.

* You boo gay soldiers, oppose funding the VA, and think Bowe Bergdahl and his entire family are traitors; you think liberals are the ones who don't support the troops.

* Abortion is murder, but blowing away police officers isn't.

* The same "experts" that led us into and cheerled the Iraq clusterfuck in the first place are clearly the ones most qualified to advise us on how to proceed in Iraq now.

* When a Tea Bagger loses an election, it is clearly because his opponent cheated by appealing to black voters, or was replaced by a robot.

* You nominate Mitt Rmoney to be President, but think Hillary Clinton is too rich and out of touch.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

(No. 15 in a series)

It's April Fool's Day once more, and since "Fools" and "Today's Republican Party" are pretty much the same thing, time for another look into the world of right-wing doublethink.

Because it just has to keep being said:

* Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on birth control and abortion is a "War on religion". Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on the death penalty, immigration, caring for the poor, and the Iraq War is not.

Perhaps the most unexpected update ever:

* Vladimir Putin is a horrible, evil Communist dictator who oppresses his people and should never be trusted. Vladimir Putin's strong leadership and stand against gays are moral and commendable.

Slight update to an old one because of the January polar vortex:

* When it piles up record cold and snow during winter, it proves that climate change is a hoax. When there's record heat and drought in many parts of the country, it doesn't prove anything about climate change because it's summer, after all.

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* It was good that Martin Bashir was fired for saying mean things about Sarah Palin. It was a bad thing when Phil Robertson was suspended for an entire week just for saying mean things about gays and blacks and supporting pedophilia.

* You hate the over-commercialization of Christmas, and stood in line on Black Friday to buy Sarah Palin's ghost writer's new book about it.

* You insist that improving the mental health system, not gun control, is the solution to mass shootings. You oppose efforts to improve the mental health system because it costs money.

* The Federal Government should have no role in local education decisions, unless those in local control are Democrats.

* Excessive regulation and government micromanagement of private industry led to the leak of a toxic chemical from a West Virginia coal processing plant into the state’s water system.

* Wooden sticks are a dangerous weapon that need to be banned from government facilities. Guns are not.

* Supporting equal pay and reproductive freedom=denigrating women. Sticking wands into their vaginas, taking away their contraception, and telling them to get back into the kitchen and make their man a sandwich=supporting women.

* Increasing taxes on the rich is exactly the same thing as loading them into box cars, shipping them to concentration camps, and gassing them.

* Threatening to throw someone off a balcony = "Professionalism" and "respect"

* You support equal pay laws by voting against them every chance you get.

* The MSNBC staffer's tweet about "rightwing" offense at the Cheerios Super Bowl ad with a multiracial family was disgusting and inappropriate--because clearly the Coke ad that had people speaking languages other than English was the far more offensive one.

* Rush Limbaugh isn't as fat as Michelle Obama.

* You're an oil company executive who totally supports fracking--unless it's going to be close enough to your mansion to affect your property values.

* You decry your party's reputation as "the stupid party" while giving awards to racist, homophobic, pedophilic reality TV stars.

* You're a Republican congressman who personally received $1 million in Medicaid benefits after you got drunk, crashed your car and were paralyzed, but oppose Medicaid expansion in your state.

* George W. Bush's budget director--let me repeat that, because it bears repeating: GEORGE W. BUSH'S BUDGET DIRECTOR-- has the credibility to question anyone else in regards to deficits and debt.

* You think gays are all sick pedophiles, while at the same time fantasize about marrying a 14 year-old girl because you can mold her into someone who will gladly "pick your ducks" for you.

* "Free market" = Banning the direct sale of electric cars.

One straight from Bill In Portland of Daily Kos:
* Aid for rural folks who have fallen on tough times is helping real Americans pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Aid for urban folks who have fallen on tough times is encouraging inner-city moochers.

* You think CNN talks too much about the missing Malaysian airliner. You eagerly await every update about Benghazi on Fox News.

* You are outraged that Russia invaded a smaller country under bullshit pretenses. You ardently supported the Iraq War.

* The idea that humans evolved from primates is "vain". The idea that humans are the most favored and perfect creation in the entire universe of billions of stars in billions of galaxies is not.

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