But itís not just that, there is also the fact prior to relinquishment I was living in a fantasy that my son was guaranteed a better life because of this sacrifice I was making. Iím not sure if this idea in my head was something people told me, or of my own making from pop culture, or what, but even if it wasnít my counseling that put me in that mindset, I do think my counseling should have helped relieve me of that fairy tale. The fact the hard truth about adoption is being glossed over for both PAP and emoms is not okay, we need to know the hard truth that many adoptees experience loss even when placed in infancy and if we choose adoption we have to acknowledge and help them through that loss. But when we arenít told about that loss, then we arenít able to fully understand the choice weíre making.
The fourth is harder for me, but I do feel someone who entered pregnancy in my position Ė I was emotionally capable and ready to be a parent but I didnít have the financial and societal support to help me raise a child and was left on my own by the birth father Ė someone like me should never have to face placing. The issues I faced was not being able to afford health care and day-care, no paid maternity leave, and a fear of losing any steady income because of accrued debt, these scared me, and being a person who qualified for no aid because I made a little too much money to be considered poor, I felt there wasnít any option for my son to thrive in the environment I could give him. To me, its one thing if youíre not ready or not interested in parenting, but itís a whole different place if you just donít have the support you need. We as a society should respect biological ties enough to find ways to preserve families in situations like mine. And instead of having people say ďI will fight for your family to get to a better place and you to raise your sonĒ they said ďitís so great youíre giving your son a better lifeĒ.
The thing is, for my sonís parents and I, the decisions in front of us that we have made I do believe are the best for my son, I do think we are doing the best we can Ė but there are so many bigger issues that exist, even when we do the best job we can. And to fix those, we as an adoption culture need to acknowledge that even when adoption works the way itís supposed to Ė both before placement and after Ė there are still major faults in the system, systematic problems that impact adoptees. So even when you are making the best choices that you can, it still doesnít seem good enough.
If your life has been touched by adoption/relinquishment there are resources to help you understand the issues and a huge community that you can turn to for support, understanding, and guidance. A key to internet searches on info is to use the key word "adoptee". Using "adoption" or "adopted" almost always yields industry sites that serve their purposes, not those of the adoptee or facts that all members of the triad should have access to.
LOST DAUGHTERS Our mission is to bring readers the perspectives and narratives of our contributors and guests in an adoptee-positive space. It is our desire to spotlight the creativity and emanate the empowerment of adopted women who are vocal about adoption. We also aim to critically discuss adoption by freely voicing the positives and negatives we see in the institution from our place in the adoption constellation. http://www.thelostdaughters.com/
MUSINGS OF THE LAME My Life As A Birthmother & What I Learned Too Late Musings of the Lame is a blog about adoption and my life as it has unfolded being a birthmother. http://www.musingsofthelame.com/
ADOPTEE RIGHTS COALITION Dedicated to the right of all adopted adults unconditional restored access to their own birth certificates. The coalition has members representing all three in the adoption/relinquishment triad, first-family members, adoptees, and adoptive parents & family.
There are many, many more resources that you will find just by pugging into any of these communities.