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Member since: Mon Nov 8, 2004, 10:31 AM
Number of posts: 7,315

Journal Archives

A little thing for many but a big one for me!

Trying to rebuild self confidence at 54 that was shaky at best since age 5 isn't easy but I'm trying. This is why I am going to give myself a pat on the back publicly.

When I was younger there were several relatively minor incidents that led me to dread not only the thought of driving in cars but riding in them period. For a long time I would huddle in the rider's seat or backseat reading to distract myself or closing my eyes just praying for the ride to be over. I could never quite fully enjoy myself at family functions, events, or shopping because I would always imagine horrible wreck on the way home. It took me a long time to get over that and I still have to fight not to regress.

The thought of driving as you can imagine was even worse. I used every excuse imaginable not to take driver's education at 16. Then I just came clean to my parents how truly terrified I was and they quit forcing the issue.

Then when I was 32, it was suggested by a new Primary Care doctor that I had pretty bad cases of anxiety and depression and that I needed to seek psychiatric counseling. I followed his advice. The therapist he sent me too got me through the riding issue and she was unrelenting on the driving subject. I finally signed up and took professional lessons and got my license. To be honest I haven't used it much just to get myself to doctor's appointments.

This winter I was using the weather as an excuse to even chicken out of that. That and the antihistamines that I have to take for hives. But I realized that has to stop. There is very poor bus service here and the cost of taxi is pretty high.

So I told myself today I was going to force myself to drive to the grocery store today to pick up some items that I needed instead of waiting for the weekend when my sister normally takes me. I bought myself a submarine sandwich and a big gooey chocolate chip cookie as a reward.

I'm not going to lie I was still nervous as hell but I did it and that's what counts! So yay me !

Got to rant about LLBean

Okay so I am plus sized. I have to dress too. We have had an LL Bean store in our area for several years now.

They have always carried plus sizes in this store before.

Today I noticed the largest size in stock for anything was XL. Not a 1X in the whole place. So I went and asked a clerk.

She said "no we aren't carrying those in our stores anymore but we can order it for you here or give you one of our catalogs, or you can go online. It's all free shipping and returns.

So I don't get to try something on anymore to see if it looks right? I just have to trust it will. I have to go to the inconvenience of returning it to the store or arranging a UPS return if it doesn't but skinnier women don't have to do any of this? That's fair, not!

To me it was like she might as well have said "we don't want heavier set people in the store, you're supposed to stay home where nobody can see you, so you don't upset our skinny customers by having to look at your fatness.

I tweeted my dissatisfaction and called it discrimination. They tweeted me said sorry for misunderstanding. I PM them which they requested yet I've heard nothing back so far and doubt I will. They just wanted me to quit complaining in public.

If they don't want my business or to address my complaint why don't they just admit it, instead of pretending like they do?

You know I have been told all my life that I needed to stick up for myself more, so I have been making a genuine effort to do so. I am back to wondering why though and believing it is pointless. It never resolves anything and I feel even more vulnerable and voiceless, for being dismissed and ignored like I don't count.

One example of why there's more need for a freedom from religion act

than there is a freedom for religion bill. A Mormon or Jehovah, I didn't take the time to ask which just came to the door waving one of his pamphlets in my face. I politely said I'm not interested, yet he continued to speak. I slammed the door in his face, and I could see as I did the offended look in his eye.

If I'd wanted to engage in further conversation with him, I would have said look here buddy, you're not a family member, a friend, or a stranger that needs assistance. You're a salesman. I didn't invite you here, I don't want you here,it's my house, my time, my choice not to be interested in what your peddling.

I'm a former Catholic grade school attendee, I got all the education in the ups and downs of organized religion that I will ever need and most probably I will ever want. I don't really care that your branch has a slightly different spin, still not buying.

Look I'm an agnostic still exploring my own thoughts about spirituality, but I don't go and knock on astranger's door trying to sell them my reasons for doubt, why do they feel they have a "right" to try and convert me?

He can go to his place of worship, believe whatever he wants to, I just expect the same courtesy in leaving me to mine.

Not an April Fool's joke, really did just happen.

Governor Cuomo and the Mayor of Rochester NY

now banning travel to Indiana using state or city funds.

This is nuts

We had a green Christmas but now we are going to have a white Easter!

Animal Rights Advocates

Doesn't it make you mad when you say something in defense of animals how there is always someone who replies "well what about people, shouldn't you be caring more about them, doing more for them" as if the two are mutually exclusive?

I responded I care about both as I feel many compassionate people do.Geez!

Attended an online Circle of Life last night

The guide mentioned my mother's name right out and told of a habit of clearing her throat often which my mother did. She wasn't a smoker just always had a dry tickle.

The guide said we got one question each. I asked about my chronic hives and their cause since I've been to 3 doctors with no clue. She said my Mom was telling her that I am far too nervous for my own good and that is what's triggering my immune system to over react. She said that I have to get it under control as soon as possible as it's hurting my heart energy too.

So I am wondering does that mean my heart is being damaged physically or just spirtually? I've been nervous and scared most of my life. I've been diagnosed with clinical and chronic depression, and anxiety disorder. Therapy and medication help some but have never cured either. I don't know how to suddenly stop being afraid or to start loving myself as I was told I needed to last night? My Catholic School upbringing taught me that loving yourself equalled pride and selfishness which are sins according to them. Part of me doesn't believe that but obviously some other part still does because I can't stop feeling worthless and guilty.

The guide suggested I learn to meditate and use lavender spray mist at night before I go to bed. I 'm going to try.

An Open Letter to Elizabeth Warren

You are not my technically my Senator. You're from Massachusetts, I'm from New York. In many ways though you are the representative for all of us, who feel "we the people" have been forgotten. Too many of your colleagues fail to realize that they were elected to serve every citizen of this country regardless of race, creed, gender, or socio-economic status. They treat us instead like we are servants of both them and the wealthiest of their campaign donors.

During election times we hear many promises that this candidate and that candidate will be sure to fight against this perversion of our founding fathers principles, but as money from those who want to preserve the status quo starts trickling in to their own campaign coffers too many of their voices get softer and softer until they are less than a whisper on the wind. All we see from them is their names on more and more bills that are disastrous for our country, it's people, the world, and environment under the convenient cover of bipartisanship.

Thank You Senator for not being one of them. Thank you for not letting yourself be silenced. Thank You for continuing to confront and remind each and everyone of them of their oaths of office and their obligations to all of the American people not just a few.

I stand in Admiration and Gratitude!

Anyone Else Still have Harmless Celebrity Crushes

even though your teen years are long since behind you? My latest is Colin O'Donahue from Once Upon a Time's Captain Hook. Okay he's young enough to be my son and married to boot, but since it's just for writing inspiration, fantasy and from way afar, I figure who cares.

Animal Quandary

I am torn. Take doggy out for a walk in the sun thus disturbing the first nap the kitties have had in the same sun in months or letting them have their time. They are sprawled all over back steps and even if I take Marnie out the front she will disturb them no question. She can't seem to resist.

Think I am going to try and distract her for awhile giving them a little more time to enjoy their peaceful slumber. Wish I could join them.
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