Mira
Mira's JournalIn Bid to Take Attention from Trump, Other Fifteen Hopefuls Release Joint Sex Tape - Borowitz writes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what critics are calling a desperate attempt to draw the media’s attention away from Donald Trump, the other fifteen candidates for the Republican nomination have released a joint sex tape.
The tape, including such luminaries as former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, Texas senator Ted Cruz, former Florida governor Jeb Bush, and New Jersey governor Chris Christie, appeared briefly on major news Web sites before an avalanche of viewer revulsion demanded it be taken down.
According to Carol Foyler, a viewer who happened to catch the tape during its brief appearance on the CNN Web site, the video contained images “I may never be able to get out of my mind.”
“I couldn’t believe that these people would participate in such a thing,” she said. “Except maybe Santorum.”
A spokesman for Rick Perry defended the former Texas governor’s appearance on the tape. “It changed the conversation, at least for a minute or two,” the spokesman said.
Possibly as a result of his exclusion from the sex tape, in the aftermath of its release Trump has surged another eleven points in the latest poll.
www.borowitzreport.com
Republicans Release Debate Format - early peek afforded by Andy Borowitz
A televised debate photo from the 2012 Republican primary campaign.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican National Committee has released the format for its first 2016 Presidential debate, to be broadcast by Fox News on August 6th:
1. Question from moderator to Donald Trump;
2. Ignoring of question by Donald Trump, followed by personal attack on Jeb Bush;
3. Feeble attempt at rebuttal by Jeb Bush;
4. Interruption by Donald Trump, followed by attack on other eight candidates on stage;
5. Attempted moderation by moderator;
6. Personal attack on moderator by Donald Trump, followed by gratuitous attack on Rick Santorum;
7. Reaction shot of stone-faced Rick Santorum, excluded from debate but sitting in audience;
8. Concluding statement by Donald Trump, including attack on Fox News’ ”cheap-looking” debate set;
9. Demand for apology by Mexicans, veterans, China, Bobby Jindal’s mom, and other people attacked during debate by Donald Trump;
10. Donald Trump declared winner by Donald Trump.
www.borowitzreport.com
The GOP Presidential Field Ranked On How Far Back They’d Roll Obama’s Climate Agenda
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The GOP field is (almost) complete, after Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 17th major candidate to announce his presidential run this week. This means we can draw some conclusions about the opponent the eventual Democratic nominee will be facing in the general election.
It’s an extremely safe bet that the Republican nominee will not take more action to confront climate change than President Obama has. The question is more how much of the president’s climate agenda the nominee would reverse, repeal, or ignore.
The next president will have a lot on his or her plate — implementing or rolling back the Clean Air Act’s provisions to regulate carbon pollution; defying or leading the world in carrying out an expected U.N. climate agreement; committing the United States to low-carbon energy or doubling down on fossil fuels. Pope Francis just told the world through the Vatican’s latest encyclical that climate change is happening, caused by humans, and requires “urgent” policy. The train is slowly accelerating down the tracks, and the person who takes over in 2017 can decide whether to speed it along, slow it down, or throw the engine dramatically into reverse.
If recent public opinion polls have been consistent on one thing, it’s the partisan divide between Democrats who believe climate change is a concern that should be addressed through policy, and Republicans who often doubt the problem exists in the first place. However, a January poll found that 48 percent of Republicans were more likely to vote for a candidate who supports acting on climate change and the same percentage would be less likely to vote for a candidate that thought climate change was a hoax.
So here is the GOP presidential field, ranked by how far they would walk back President Obama’s climate agenda, from least to most:
now go to the link to find each candidates position (or evasion of one)
http://thinkprogress.org/climate/2015/07/26/3683808/gop-field-climate-energy-ranked/
Bar Officially Cannot Be Lowered ---Borowitz is making observations
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A group of scholars who have been monitoring the descent of the bar over the past few decades have concluded that the bar can no longer be lowered, the scholars announced on Friday.
The academics, led by Professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, published their conclusion after their research definitively found that the bar had finally dropped to its lowest possible position.“For those who thought the bar still had room to be lowered, our findings resoundingly contradict that assumption,” Logsdon said. “The bar is now essentially flush with the ground.”
Logsdon acknowledged that he and his fellow scholars have come under fire in the past for claiming that the bar could not be further lowered, specifically when they issued a paper to that effect after the selection of the Republican Vice-Presidential nominee in 2008.
“We got that one wrong,” he said. “Clearly, the bar still had a way to go.”
Now that the issue of whether the bar can be further lowered has been settled, Logsdon and his colleagues plan to examine the question of whether there is anything left to scrape at the bottom of the barrel. “Our findings are preliminary, but it appears that the answer is no,” he said.
www.borowitzreport.com
(When Neanderthals walk their hands dig trenches at their sides. Maybe the bar could be placed in one of those. Just wondering)
My paper's cartoon today could not have predicted the next mass shooting would be today
As I type we're learning about a shooting in Lafayette Louisiana, in a movie theater, where two (including the shooter an older man) are dead and 6-8 are injured.
Not much else is known at this time, sad and ironic is that the other theater shooter's jury is deliberating at the moment to either give him life or death.
?
My late night Fantasy: President Obama at Bill Cosby’s door
Limo waiting - the sun is shining. The house is large and sumptuous.
Secret Service with sunglasses attending. He steps up to do the knock.
As he is let in his outstretched hand is at eye level and he says
I came to pick up the medal of freedom you were given
before we knew how undeserving you are.
'cause even though there is no precedent
there is a first time for everything
which pretty much exactly goes for what you did
when you disgraced
yourself and
destroyed the world's admiration you basked in
I cannot live with myself if
doing my job means to allow you to keep the treasure of the Medal of Freedom
when I know you stole freedom from untold women
many of whom never again regained their previous
peace of mind.
Hand it over
I'm powerful enough
to make this executive decision right here and right now.
Thank you.
(this is what he says after he has it in that outstretched hand, because he is a classy no drama man of exquisite breeding)
Huge larger than hand size Hibiscus blossoms flanked by red roses
A dear friend showed up at my door with this little bouquet.
Showing you how they looked in my kitchen's afternoon light.
The Running of the Bulls in NOLA - this year's version - last Saturday
Hundreds of red and white clad folks gather and the run starts at 8 am and follows a prescribed path. Women on roller skates made up to resemble bulls or whatever trips their trigger carry soft batons. With them they mostly hit the men as they pass them by.
Some of the batons don't sound so soft to the onlookers who line the streets as the hullabaloo goes on, I for one often said “OUCH” watching and listening.
At the end of the long lines of participants come some men - clad as the "Elvises".
This will hopefully make you feel like you also got to see it!
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