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Member since: Thu Oct 21, 2004, 06:06 PM
Number of posts: 18,045

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A Letter from Joni Ernst About Measles - Andy Borowitz is spot on

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — On Tuesday, Senator Joni Ernst (R.-Iowa) responded to the recent measles outbreak with the following letter to the American people:

Hi, it’s Joni!

In recent days, you’ve heard about a measles outbreak among children who have not been vaccinated. Like many Americans, you have probably been asking, “How would Joni solve this problem?”
Some in the media have suggested that politicians should not have opinions about vaccinations because we’re not scientists. Excuse me, but that’s like saying people shouldn’t have opinions about flowers because they’re not bees.

The fact is, many parents are concerned about vaccinations, and for a valid reason: they’ve read something bad about them on the Internet. But the good news is that there’s an alternative to vaccinations that’s cheap, readily available, and totally safe: bread bags.

Take a look at a bread bag. It’s made out of plastic, which means that no microscopic virus can get through it, unless there’s a hole in the bag. That’s why, every morning, my parents sent me to school with bread bags on my hands.

You see, measles are a hand-borne virus. You can only catch them through contact with someone’s measles-infected hand. If every child in America would go to school with bread bags on their hands, why, before you know it, measles would go the way of the Macarena (a dance that used to be very popular but has pretty much disappeared).

Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Maybe because there’s big money behind vaccinations but not behind bread bags. No one makes money on bread bags. They just come with the bread.

So do Joni a favor. Tomorrow, send your kids to school with bread bags on their hands. As my mom used to say, “Joni, if there’s a problem bread bags can’t solve, it’s probably not a problem.”

To your health,

P.S. Important! This will only work if there are no holes in the bags.


Obama’s New Popularity Could Force Congressional Democrats to Admit Knowing Him -Borowitz speculates

“We’re watching that number very closely,” the Democratic staffer Robinson Petrack said. “We could be looking at a scenario where it’s safe to acknowledge his existence again.”

Petrack said that while many congressional Democrats have not used the word “Obama” in a sentence since the President’s approval rating dropped to thirty-nine percent last year, they are toying with the idea of resuming that practice now.

But even as Democrats contemplate admitting that they have met Obama or even shaken his hand, some worry that such moves could have perilous consequences if his approval rating drops again.

“I say, let’s cross that bridge when we come to it,” Petrack said. “If you don’t know when to admit you know your President and when to desert him, you don’t deserve to call yourself a Democrat.”


Guest Line up on Real Time with Bill Maher tonight, HBO 10pm and repeat at 11pm

The Interview:

Laura Poitras is the Oscar-nominated filmmaker of CITIZENFOUR, about NSA leaker Edward Snowden. She is a co-founding editor of the online news magazine, The Intercept, and a 2014 winner of the Pulitzer Prize for her reporting on the government’s surveillance programs.

The Panel:

Joaquin Castro
is a Democratic Congressman representing Texas’s 20th congressional district. He serves on the House Committee on Armed Services and the Committee on Foreign Affairs. His identical twin brother is Julian Castro, former mayor of San Antonio and current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

Katty Kay
is the BBC World News America anchor and author of the NYT bestseller The Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance – What Women Should Know.

Monica Mehta
is a financial expert and Ambassador for Operation HOPE Project 5117, whose mission is to strengthen the economy by focusing on empowering those who earn less than $50,000 a year. She is the author of The Entrepreneurial Instinct.

Mid-Show Guest:

Mel Brooks
stars in the upcoming HBO comedy special “Mel Brooks Live at the Geffen,” premiering January 31. Brooks holds the distinction of being one of only twelve people in the EGOT club, having won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony award.

Being on the right front porch at the right time

The two, brother and sister hammed it up for me. The entire thing took 20 seconds. Their Mom was happy to let me take their picture.
They are so precious.
I also will get to see them grow up.

Republican Candidates Descend on Iowa chronicles Andy Borowitz

DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report)–Republican Presidential candidates descended on Iowa over the weekend, giving Iowans a rare opportunity to evaluate all thirty thousand hopefuls in one place.

The candidates were a big hit with their G.O.P. audience, who attempted to determine which of the thirty thousand would do the best job of eviscerating Obamacare and deporting college students.

Attendees gave an especially warm welcome to the businessman Donald Trump, whose potential entry into the 2016 race would instantly raise the credibility of everyone else.
In a speech laden with red meat for the Republican faithful, Trump explained how his experience of hosting a reality TV show would prove invaluable in defeating the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS).

But Iowans reserved their most enthusiastic response for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who laid out an ambitious vision for depriving future generations of a living wage.

Asked how he hopes history will remember him, Walker said, “If I have my way, there will be no one teaching history.”


Six Weeks’ Paid Leave Opposed By People With Thirty-Three Weeks’ Paid Leave /observes Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama’s proposal to give workers six weeks of paid leave is meeting strong opposition from a group of people who annually receive thirty-three weeks of paid leave.Members of the group heard the President’s proposal on Tuesday night, one of the few nights of the year when they are required to report to their workplace.

The opponents of paid leave, who show up for work a hundred and thirty-seven days per year and receive paid leave for the other two hundred and twenty-eight, were baffled by other moments in the President’s speech.

For example, they were confused by Obama’s challenge to try to survive on a full-time job that pays fifteen thousand dollars, since they all currently hold a part-time job that pays a hundred and seventy-four thousand dollars


Poll: Majority of Americans Now Believe That They Could Be Senators claims Andy Horowitz

Poll: Majority of Americans Now Believe That They Could Be Senators claims Andy Horowitz

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a poll taken on Tuesday night, a wide majority of Americans said that they now believe that they could be elected to the United States Senate.

The results reflected a renewed sense of the inclusiveness of the American political system, as those surveyed said that they believed that anyone could serve in the Senate regardless of intelligence, the ability to speak, or any other qualifications whatsoever.

While those responses indicated that, as of Tuesday night, at least, Americans were energized about the possibility of their future careers in Washington, other results were not so encouraging.

Nineteen per cent of those surveyed said that they could not respond to the poll questions because they were still in a state of shock, while fourteen per cent agreed with the statement “WTF???”


President Obama Will Seek to Reduce Taxes for Middle Class

Source: NYTimes

President Obama Will Seek to Reduce Taxes for Middle Class
President Obama will use his State of the Union address on Tuesday to call on Congress to raise taxes and fees on the wealthiest taxpayers and the largest financial firms to finance tax cuts for the middle class, administration officials said on Saturday.
The proposal — which will also push to reshape the tax code to help working families and raise $320 billion over the next decade — faces long odds in the Republican-controlled Congress, led by lawmakers who have long opposed raising taxes and who argue that doing so would hamper economic growth.
But the decision to present the plan signifies the start of a debate over taxes and the economy that will shape both Mr. Obama’s legacy and the 2016 presidential campaign.

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/18/us/president-obama-will-seek-to-reduce-taxes-for-middle-class.html?emc=edit_na_20150117

Hole Foods Cartoon

Handy Dandy Instant Fox News Terrorist spotting color chart.

Note: what George Hamilton and John Boehner have in common

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