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MrScorpio

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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 60,260

Journal Archives

Grifterella's Tale of Two Statements...

Caption This Picture:


"Sorry, I left my hood at home."

Get Your Jesus Straight...

Belgian Housewife Single-handedly Cripples Euro Internet Traffic With Kitten Pictures


Low resolution photo of Christiane van de Broeke's
two-month old kitten, Snoedles.


LYON, France (AP) — European wide Internet traffic was crippled on Tuesday for nine hours as both Google and the six most popular social networking sites on the continent were completely shut down in a major denial of service (DoS) attack from pictures of a Belgian housewife's two-month old kitten.

The massive loss of Internet access occurred shortly after a housewife living in Antwerp, Belgium, Christiane van de Broeke, began posting dazzlingly cute photos of her kitten, named Snoedles, on both her Facebook page with links to her five other social networking accounts on Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram and Google+.

The pictures of Snoedles, noted for both their extremely high degree of resolution and their unbearable cuteness were instrumental in causing a cascade effect of DoS outages throughout the continent. Reports from locations as various as Scandinavia to the Mediterranean island nation of Malta came in more swiftly and abundantly than ISPs could handle.

Internet Service Providers in five Central European countries reported to EuroISPA, the organization representing the European Union's ISPs and to INTERPOL's Internet Security Directorate, that a possible terrorist Denial of Service attack was underway. Repeated attempts to restore Internet service proved fruitless from around 10AM C.E.T. to just after 7PM.

Speaking from a press conference at INTERPOL Headquarters, here in Lyon, France, head of the Internet Security Directorate, Chief Inspector Jean-Louis Anderson, briefed reporters on the operations that eventually restored EuroNet access.

"Once we were able to locate the source of the attack, a joint task force of both the Belgian Federale Politie Anti-Terror Brigade and EuroNet Security INTERPOL Agents raided the home of a Mr. and Mrs. Hans and Christiane van de Broeke in Antwerp, Beligium yesterday, with a warrant that listed charges of terrorism and malicious Internet usage. Removed from the home were a laptop computer and a Nexus 5 smartphone, used by Christiane van de Broeke to take pictures of her kitten.

Once the head agent in charge realized the extremely toxic nature of the kitten photos on both the computer and the smartphone, members of an elite Hazardous Materials Control Unit were summoned to take custody of the items. Mrs. van de Broeke has been detained is now at the Criminal Jail facility in Hasselt, were she awaits arraignment before a magistrate tomorrow morning."


In response to both this latest DoS attack and the infamous Düsseldorf Toddler and Puppy Incident of 2011, President of Google's EuroNet operations, Pieter Delacroix announced the development of software that would able to lower the intensity of terribly cute photos and their disruptive effects on Internet access.

"We're almost helpless here to prevent these attacks and loss of service until we can get this crucial software up and running. We, here at Google and throughout the entire EuroNet community, consider this our highest priority, overshadowing both the problem of Net piracy and extremely bad amateur music videos."


No reports on the location of either Mr. van de Broeke or the kitten, Snoedles are available at this time.

Merry Christmas, from Samantha Stevens...



Meanwhile, Back At Widgets Inc.

There for the taking...

Winners and Losers...

In Big Oil's Pocket...

I wrote this and posted it in GD and no one appreciated it...

Peter Jenkovich, President of Lo-GravTek Sportswear, field tests his latest product, Light Shorts


Jenkovich, near his private compound on Manana Island, HI, leaps from a
400 ft. cliff while wearing his patented Lo-GravTek Light Shorts.


One of the youngest graduates of The Massachusetts Institute of Technology at the age of twelve, Peter Simon Jenkovich became a multi-billionaire by the tender age of 19 with robust sales of the world's only gravity resistant clothing to an exclusive clientele of elite athletes and jet-setting gazzillionaires. A maverick in the field of Newtonian physics, Wichita Falls, TX native Jenkovich discovered a formula to reduce the affect of gravitational attraction on Earthbound objects, by reversing a mathematical calculation attributed to the well-worn axiom, "Opposites attract." Although he's known for making outrageous claims about himself, such being "The Next Einstein Junior," and declaring that his vast intellect is a "No-Fly Zone for all of you peasants," Jenkovich is otherwise known for his tremendous generosity through his many charitable causes and sperm donations.

In an interview for the November 23rd 2009 edition of The International Business Investors Daily, Jenkovich, at the grand opening of his thoroughly modern factory complex in Guangdong Province, China, announced that his next line of sportswear would be available to the general public instead of just for all of the world's elite amateur and professional athletes and obscenely wealthy social parasites.

"Now ordinary Joes and Josettes will be able to decrease their overall gravitational mass while performing ordinary activities, like shopping for jumbo sized bags of Fritos and tournament bowling."


The first product announced by Lo-GravTek Sportswear in 2011 was a line of counter-graviational athletic shoes to compete directly with the Air Jordan line by Nike, named "M. Poppins." Unfortunately, this product launch was not without a few unforeseen setbacks. Due to a slight miscalculation, the shoes had a tendency to float off of store shelves, requiring store clerks to use improvised hooks in order to remove them from the ceilings. In June of 2012, an entire shipping container of M. Poppins Shoes, at the Port of Long Beach, CA, lifted off from the ground and drifted over the City of Torrance, into LAX restricted airspace, causing flight delays for several hours. U.S. Marine jet fighters from the El Toro MCAS were deployed to shoot down the errant container with Sidewinder missiles.

The company recalled all of the shoes and subsequently took a serious reaming on Wall Street, losing a third of its share value for the second quarter of 2012. The company, however, made a solid comeback after the reformulated Lo-GravTek M. Poppins shoes were released in time for use by the victorious Baltimore Ravens football team in Super Bowl XLVIII.

Currently, Jenkovich is personally field testing an entirely new product, which he calls, "Light Shorts."

"With a pair of these new Light Shorts, any adrenaline junkie can perform feats of daring athleticism with the grace of either an Olympic gymnast, an NFL wide receiver or cheetah chasing his lunch."


Last Thursday, in front of a crowd of journalists on Manana Island HI, east of Oahu, Jenkovich demonstrated the gravity resistant features of his latest sportswear by jumping off a 400 ft. high cliff into the waiting Pacific Ocean below. It was observed in the final 200 feet of his daring dive, he appeared to slow down by three quarters of his air speed and gently landed into the water below.

Peter Jenkovich was then lifted from the water by a waiting helicopter and was reported overheard saying to one of his company associates after his return, something that sounded to the effect of "Let's see Phil Knight try that s**t."
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