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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 30,407

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Just in time for Christmas: how to make jmowreader's Jello Salad

I know, I know...I've seen all the "atrocious food of the postwar period" websites. Jello is supposed to be the food of the devil.

Worry not, little ones: My jello salad contains no olives, no tuna, no celery, no spam...this is not the jellied atrocity of olden days, but a refreshing treat for today, delightful to both the eye and the palate. Unfortunately, no Vikings will attend your Christmas party if you leave the spam out, but the rest of your invitees will be grateful.

You need:

1. A large glass bowl. Know its capacity.
2. Small boxes of Jello in different flavors and colors. You need two of them for every quart the bowl holds, minus one - if you have a four-quart bowl, you need seven boxes. Cool so far?
3. Vanilla-flavored Greek yogurt, eight ounces per quart of bowl capacity. One quart of this will do anything up to a five-quart bowl. If you're serving people who can't eat sugar, use plain yogurt and add a quarter-teaspoon of vanilla per cup.
4. The best-quality fruit you can find, and several varieties of it. Do NOT use fresh pineapple, kiwi or papaya; there are enzymes in them that prevent gelatin from setting. If you want to put chopped nuts in, go for it. However, refrain from putting carrots, celery, onions or other vegetables in this. Pumpkin is definitely out.
5. Two big glass measuring cups.
6. Several little glass cups. You'll understand why in a second.
7. Real whipped cream, if you like.
8. To be going on this no later than the 23rd. This ain't gonna work if you start on Christmas morning.

To start:
a. Arrange the boxes of Jello on your counter until the color scheme looks pleasing to the eye. Starting at the left, make the first box, put it in the bowl, put bowl in fridge and go away until it sets hard.
b. Boil up some water and dissolve the second box in one cup of it. Now, add a cup of yogurt. Add a couple handfuls of fruit to one of the measuring cups, and pour in the jello until you have two cups of stuff in the cup. Stir a little, then ladle it on top of the jello in the bowl. Do not just unceremoniously dump this shit into the bowl, because it WILL look really bad. Gentle is best. Put it in the fridge and let it set. Put the rest of the jello in a glass cup and stick it in the fridge;
c. Make the next box of jello with hot and cold water, add different fruit, and gently ladle it into the bowl. Let it set. Reserve the leftovers in a cup.
d. through whatever you need to get to in order to use up all the jello except the last box: I think you get the idea here how this works. There's nothing hard about it, except for all the waiting.
Last step: make the last box with hot & cold waters and no fruit. Gently ladle it on top. You won't have extra of this flavor. Allow to cure until dinnertime.

Top with whipped cream, if you like. I wouldn't recommend unmolding it; this produces a shitload of jello salad and it keeps pretty well in the fridge if you leave it in the bowl. You can also do it in parfait glasses, wine glasses, individual cups, anything you like. (If you did it in custard cups, you could get away with unmolding those.

There's only one problem with Neil deGrasse Tyson

The guy is so cool everyone's going to want to be an astrophysicist...and thanks to the Republicans, we're having a hard time affording the ones we already have.

I shoot film. Ask me almost anything.

Is anyone familiar with "Grease, School Edition"?

One of the local high schools is doing a production of "Grease, School Edition." I looked it up online, and it claims to be a version of the fan favorite 1970s movie/stage play "Grease" that's suitable for teens to perform.

Uhh...what do they do, come on stage and sing "Grease Is The Word," "Greased Lightnin'" and "Hopelessly Devoted To You" and go home? Making an edition of Grease without the sex, drinking and smoking is like making an edition of "Behind the Green Door" with no sex in it - the raunchy stuff is kinda integral to the storyline.

Speaking of the State of the Union address...

Would it be out of line to invite the congressional Democratic caucuses to the White House, conduct the State of the Union address in the East Room, videotape it, and send John Boehner and Mitch McConnell copies of it on Betamax cassettes?

Today's Public Service Announcement: Beware of Bad Gas

In this cold and nasty weather season, gasoline - ESPECIALLY the shit with ethanol in it - attracts moisture. Moisture is water. Water, contrary to about a brazillion YouTube videos, is not a good motor fuel.

If your car starts sputtering and acting like it's about to run out of gas at low RPM when there's a lot of it in the tank, you have Bad Gas.

If you have Bad Gas, take thee directly to the first place you can find that sells car parts (in this case, even Walmart will do) and buy a container of high-quality fuel system cleaner - not the house-brand stuff, but something that costs $10 to $15 per bottle - put all of it in your gas tank, and drive around until the sputtering goes away. Then go to a name-brand gas station and top off the tank. Drive the car until you're at a quarter-tank, then put another bottle of the same cleaner in the tank and top off again. This will correct the problem.

If you have a car that has an accessible fuel filter, change that too.

When they put George de Torquemada on the stand the first question needs to be...

"How much pork was in the fluid you pumped up these guys' asses?"

Riddle me something about the 9/11 Cross

Someone wrote a letter to one of my papers talking about his recently learning of the "Miracle Cross of 9/11" (backstory: rescue workers at WTC found a steel crossbeam in the wreckage of WTC 7 that had sheared off in about the proper proportions to be a Christian cross, and the fundies decided it was a Sign from God. It has since become sort of a shrine.).

Educate me: God was able, in the maelstrom of three collapsing buildings, to find the perfect steel crossbuck, slice it into the proper shape, gently lower it into place so it didn't sustain any more damage than it had to, and guide rescuers to it so it could be exalted...but He couldn't disable four fuel pumps and prevent the disaster from happening in the first place?

This is not a thread about murderous police

Maryland has one of the strictest gun laws in the US. Passed post-Newtown it requires owner licensing and bans assault rifles and hi-cap magazines. Thirty-five red states have filed a lawsuit in federal court seeking to overturn it.

Assume they're successful. Could this be used as precedent for blue states to overturn...oh, anti-same sex marriage laws that haven't already been overturned, anti-abortion laws or voter disenfranchisement efforts in red states?

And yet another Lounge tradition: Tante Marie's turkey cooking lesson

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