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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 32,082

Journal Archives

A Republican Congressman's Weekly Agenda

Monday: Open and answer mail from constituents. Answer all with the same form letter: all America's problems will self-correct if we cut taxes and repeal Obamacare. We have an autoresponder on our email server for all the people who send us letters electronically.

Tuesday: Write, debate and pass Obamacare repeal bill. Look on in dismay as Senator Franken lights a cigar with it as soon as it gets to the Senate floor.

Wednesday: Write, debate and pass ACORN defunding bill. File motion of protest after Senator Warren intercepts the bill before it reaches the Senate chamber and disappears into the ladies' room with it. When she leaves the bathroom, the bill is not in her possession.

Thursday: Write and debate tax cut bill. Also attempt to pass bill prohibiting the use of Republican-authored legislation for the lighting of cigars or wiping of asses.

Friday: Fly back to district and tell constituents it's those damn Democrats' fault that we're not getting anything done in here.

Let's Bring Back ACORN!

If the Republicans keep on insisting on defunding the Association of Community Organizers for Reform Now, shouldn't there actually be one?

If the Republicans successfully bury Obamacare, what will they ask for next?

If they can get the president to surrender his signature achievement, they'll keep going. What will be their next demand?

My guess: they'll want their whole agenda, but the first thing to come up will be the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. It won't be an abortion ban because they still need an issue for 2014. Nh

How you know Seattle has too fucking many Starbucks

This is Starbucks Center, corporate headquarters for the global coffee leviathan. Starbucks Center used to be Sears' west coast catalog fulfillment warehouse; at 2.1 million square feet it is the biggest building in the state of Washington that isn't owned by Boeing. (It's right next to the Seattle railhead; the plan was for Sears to receive boxcars full of mailed orders then ship merchandise to customers via Parcel Post on other boxcars. Until Sears got out of the catalog-sales business, the plan worked just fine.) It is at the corner of Utah Ave. South and Walker Street. And as one would guess, there is a Starbucks store in this building.

If you go east on Walker Street exactly one block to 1st Avenue, there's another Starbucks.

Interestingly enough, the Fred Meyer chain of general stores, which serves Starbucks in its stores everywhere else, doesn't serve Starbucks in Seattle; there they serve Tully's, another Seattle-based coffee company that runs its operations out of - this is no shit - an abandoned brewery.

Twinkies: worst product launch in the history of ever

Except for pictures in newspapers and news footage, has anyone here seen a box of Twinkies since they came back?

If privatization is the cure for all ills, explain TSA

On the day George W. Bush was inaugurated, airport security was in the hands of the private sector. And until 9/11 they did a pretty good job.

After 9/11 they were replaced by a huge federal agency.

The question is, if we had to deprivatize airport security, why should we privatize anything again?

Is Seattle dumping roids in the Sound or something?

The seagulls are far larger than they once were.

Eating every scrap of food in the house is no mean feat

Tomorrow starts my week of vacation. I will be 300 miles from my refrigerator, and to ward off the possibility that we could lose power and I'd come back to a steel box with rotten food in it, I decided to eat all the perishable food I owned.

If I never see a piece of chicken again in my life it will be too soon.

The bellyache of a teabagger

"Hi. I'm Frank, and I'm a Tea Party Patriot. I believe in a government so limited it can't interfere in my life choices.

"And ONLY my life choices.

"I was okay with it many years ago when the government decided homos didn't need rights. Hell, I thought it was great: any man who doesn't want to marry a woman and have lots of kids like a patriotic American does deserves everything he gets.

"And I was overjoyed when the government started cracking down on all those dope-smoking hippies. I'm not a hippie. I'll never be a hippie. And if any hippie doesn't want to look like me, work the same kind of job as me, and refuses to smoke cigarettes and drink booze like a patriotic American does, he deserves everything he gets.

"Then I found out the government was looking at my phone records to make sure I wasn't calling any terrorists. Hey! I'm a patriotic American, dammit, how dare the government come after me? So I wrote a letter to my congressman, and a letter to my senator, and a letter to the editor, and stood on a street corner with a sign that says 'Government Keep Your Hands Off Patriotic Americans!'

"While I was doing it, some guy named Martin Niemoller came up and kicked my ass so hard I have to take off my pants to answer the phone. Why would that dirty hippie do anything like that to a patriotic American?

"By the way, these pants are squeezing my head really hard, and it hurts. Can someone help me get them off?"

I worry more about license plate scanners than NSA surveillancw

One of the fun new technologies the cops have is the license plate scanner. AP reports indicate they can be attached to just about anythiing - bridges, buildings, non-police cars - that the police share their take between agencies, and there are very few restrictions on their use.

Since the files these generate can be considered public records, anyone can get them...and it's okay to charge a reasonblee fee for records.

Wrap yer head around this: firms could spring up to datamine these files. And working on the theory itt's already okay to hire the police, why couldn't an abortion protest group pay to have a scanner placed outside the entrance to Planned Parenthood, a corporation looking for an excuse to fire workers pay to put one near a union hall, or....well, you think of one.
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