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jmowreader

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Member since: 2002
Number of posts: 27,206

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Winter Olympics sports we need

1. Skijoring. This Norwegian phrase roughly translates to "Hey, y'all, watch this." This particular form of attempted suicide involves riding nordic skis while being towed by a horse.

2. Snowball Fighting. Combatants will be penalized for putting rocks in the snowballs.

3. Smear. Think of it as a snow-oriented version of The Hunger Games.

4. Snowmobile racing. Anyone who thinks this isn't an athletic event never had to drag one out of a hidden ditch.

5. Heliskiing. The participants will be flown 300 km from the resort the day the Olympics starts with a set of cross country skis and ten days' clothing in a rucksack, and must return to Olympic Stadium by the closing ceremonies. Food, water and shelter will be provided en route.

6. Figure skating with NHL enforcers.

7. Snowverse. Consists of a ski downhill run, snowboard downhill, telemark, ski jump, one lap classic nordic, one lap skate ski, one lap biathlon, one lap snowshoe.

8. Snowshoe. 30km with a 20kg rucksack. Must be in your country's military to participate.

9. Alpine Rescue. Open only to ski patrol members, teams of four must recover an 80kg sandbag from a ravine and carry it to an aid station.

The tax refund loansharking business will die if the IRS keeps this shit up

I e-filed my federal return on Monday, February 3.

Today I checked the status of the refund: "Your refund has been approved. It should be deposited in your bank account by February 11."

Lessons for the Democrats from the Seahawks

1. Get a charismatic, skilled leader.

2. It's not about one guy. Ask someone who likes football to name a Broncos player and he'll say Peyton Manning. Naming a Patriots player will get you Tom Brady. Abd so on...unfortunately fo Colin Kaepernick, a lot of people asked to name a 49ers player will say Joe Montana. The same question about a Seahawks player will get you a lot of different answers.

3. Never stop getting better. Pete Carroll called a team meeting for the morning after the Super Bowl. Because that's what he does, and because you don't win back-to-back Super Bowls by sitting on your laurels.

4. Hit hard and don't give them the chance to recover. That game was over the second Kam Chancellor knocked Demaryus Thomas seven yards downfield. From that point on, the question wasn't "who will win" but "how bad will the flogging be." As it turned out, it was one of the greatest ass whoopings in sports.

5. Talk trash and back it up. A few weeks ago, Richard Sherman accused Peyton Manning of throwing ducks. Two of them wound up in Seahawks' hands and one of those ducks wound up on the scoreboard.

6. There are no unimportant battles. They prepare as hard for a shitty team as they do for a fine one. The silver football in CenturyLink Field's trophy case is proof.

7. Talent beats money if talent wants to. Russell Wilson makes $700,000 per year. There are quarterbacks who make several times that. Russell Wilson wins games two ways: he does good things, and he doesn't negate them with stupid shit. The Broncos scored no sacks and no picks Sunday.

So what did we lose by not electing Romney?

Just off the top of my head...

The ability to say things like "Our troops are fighting for our freedom in four separate wars!"

The forthcoming Dickensian economy

Reading all those stories about how GM failed because of the economy two months before Chrysler and Ford failed because GM's collapse took all the parts manufacturers with it

Not seeing the emergence of "full service foreclosure firms" that do everything from throw the former homeowner out on the street to set a date for throwing the new one out because they can't make the payments either

So much for Whitney Houston's Super Bowl National Anthem

Why Seattle will win the Super Bowl

Sunday's game is a matchup of the number 1 offense in the NFL against the number 1 defense in the NFL.

It is also a matchup of the number 6 offense against the number 15 defense.

Great defense plus good offense beats great offense plus God-awful defense every time. Especially when the great defense contains the guy who leads the league in interceptions.

Denver's got to beat Marshawn Lynch and Richard Sherman to win the game, and I don't think they can.

Audi SB ad...definitely some funny shit right here

Taking aim at both mediocrity and $600 mutts...

Just announced: the presenter of next year's RNC rebuttal address



This is no ordinary parrot. He has been taught, at tremendous expense, to utter the following speech:

"Repeal Obamacare! Cut Taxes! Impeach! Benghazi! Obama Is A Socialist! Good Night!"

I might have to buy a gun this year

I don't really WANT to, but you know those asshats that are planning to build the "Citadel" separatist compound in North Idaho? Well, the founder, one Christian Kerodin, is calling for the killing of Communists on his blog, which you currently have to be invited to view. His definition of a Communist, printed in the paper that serves the area about to be contaminated by these people:

"Please remember I am being loose with the word 'Communist,' using it as a label for Marxist/Leftist/blah blah/people who believe it is morally acceptable to take anything from one man and give that gain to another via government coercion or brute force."

His December 20 post predicts a war in the US will start by 2016, and it says:

There is going to be killing. Killing is one of those things in our DNA that we do well - especially when it comes to killing other Americans.

On December 24, the same asshole says:

Communism, the greatest evil this planet has ever known, at least in our known history, is about to consolidate its grip on the entire planet. In that flawed move, we will not only kill Communists, but every Communist, and even the idea of Communism.

For whatever reason, you and I have been chosen to be here for this fight, by God, or by mere chance, or by some force we can't comprehend...we are evolving as an animal. We will be forced to embrace every molecule of our barbarism, our savagery, our bloodlust in this fight to kill Communism.

And on January 15, he then said:

There is a bloodbath coming to America, not only in our lifetime, but I will dare say by November 2016, at the latest. Communists have proven many times they have no problem killing tens-of-millions of people ... I have no problem doing the same to them, firstest and mostest.

This crap was shown to the county sheriff, who declared them, "not the rantings of a sane person."

If these boneheads decide to come to North Idaho to hunt liberals, as appears to be their intention, the liberals damn well better be ready.

And I have a sincere question: how seriously are we to take rants about "communists" from a Stalinist like Christian Kerodin?

What Romney reminds me of

Remember the bad late night TV movies where the heroes were walking through the woods in the mid-1960s and came upon a Japanese soldier who still thought World War II was on?

Romney's somewhere between one of those guys, and Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront.
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