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Member since: 2002
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Apparently the last "God's Not Dead" movie didn't create enough atheists...

God's Not Dead is the heart-rending two-hour live-action version of a Chick tract - it's called Big Daddy and you can read it on Jack's website, but please don't blame me if you rip your eyeballs out to ease the pain. Even the most solid Christians agree that God may not be dead now, but if He ever watches this atrocity He's going to start looking for bridges He can jump from...

Unfortunately, the God-awful thing did 30x production costs so they made another one. And from everything I can find about it, it's just as bad as the last one.

Republicans legalize nationwide concealed carry of machine guns

Washington (Spurious News Network) -- "We finally decided to make the Second Amendment mean what it says," said Wayne La Pierre, de facto head of the Republican Party.

"The Second Amendment says, 'A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.' There is no question that a well-regulated militia, if it is to be necessary to the security of a free state, would be armed not with muskets and swords but with machine guns, tanks, field artillery, antiaircraft guns, nerve gas, and missiles. We had no choice but to legalize them all."

Under the Republicans' new law, which takes effect immediately, "no weapon which is allowed under the Geneva Convention to be used by any military force shall be forbidden to any citizen, nor shall any person be allowed to restrict a citizen from carrying weapons to any place in America."

When asked the most obvious question, La Pierre replied in the affirmative: "Just because a man shot nine or ten people to death while committing a botched armed robbery, doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to defend himself using the most effective means."

La Pierre also affirmed the second most obvious question: "You never know. You might be standing in line at the bank and some bad guy with a gun just whips it out and starts shooting up the place. If you are forced to wait for the police to arrive everyone in the bank would be dead. You have the absolute right to pull out your M60 machine gun and apply a Second Amendment solution, and this new law guarantees you'll never be punished for following the Constitution."

An M60 machine gun is roughly the size of a four-year-old boy and can cause nearly as much damage.

When informed that President Obama vetoed the bill on the hood of a car out in the driveway so it couldn't contaminate the White House by being brought inside, La Pierre shrugged it off. "He only has three-fifths of a veto so it doesn't count."

NRA spokesman Ted Nugent was ecstatic. "As all good Americans know, the Constitution only has two parts. One of them allows me to sue anyone who claims I dodged the draft by covering myself in rancid shit, even though I did. The other lets me walk around in the woods hunting ground squirrels with a loaded 81mm mortar if I want to. Right after the law was passed, I tried it...I think there's something wrong with my mortar because I put a round in it and it flew right back out again. It totally blew the shit out of the building where I keep all my guitars and bowhunting gear. And then I tried it nine more times...all those accidental discharges blew up my house, all my cars, the museum I built to display my Grammy award if I ever win one...I'm taking this defective piece of shit right back to the store."

Great Trump slam on a readerboard today

There is a self-storage place along I-90 in Spokane that has a readerboard along the freeway with various cute sayings on it. Today's:


Supreme Court hypothetical time

The situation: It's January 21, 2017. We have a Democratic president, a Democratic House, 65 seats in the Senate and eight Supreme Court justices, thanks to Mitch McConnell's strange theory that the National Rifle Association has to sign off on any and all Supreme Court picks.

At this time we can pick whoever the hell we want to replace Fat Tony Scalia. Who should it be?

Ed Force One damaged in ramp incident


Iron Maiden's tour plane (a Boeing 747) was on the ground in Santiago, Chile, being towed to the refueling point. A connecting pin fell out of the steering mechanism connecting the tug to the plane, without the knowledge of the ground crew. When the tug operators attempted to turn, the plane kept going straight...fucking up two engines to the point they probably need replaced, damaging the undercarriage and injuring the two tug operators. Fortunately, the operators are on their way to a full recovery and the plane is fixable.

If anyone wants a Holga, get it quick - they will soon be history


Holgas, the hip little film camera of the "art photography" movement, are made in China. Or WERE, anyway. The factory that made them has closed, so if you want a really cheap 120 camera (that you have to wrap in duct tape to make lightproof, but anyway...) go get one now before they're all gone.

Well...you were wondering...


Hillary takes all three NC military counties

There are three military bases in North Carolina. All are highly dependent on the military for their civilian economies.

Ft. Bragg is in Cumberland County.
Hillary 66%, Bernie 28%

Seymour Johnson Air Force Base is in Wayne County.
Hillary 63%, Bernie 29%

Marine Corps Base Camp Lejeune is in Onslow County.
Hillary 60%, Bernie 33%

8:41 pm: FL, NC, OH all called for Hillary!


States in two time zones need split primary times

There are fourteen states in this fix: Alaska, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Nebraska, Nevada, both Dakotas, Oregon, Tennessee and Texas. As it now stands, if...oh, Florida...closes its polls at 7 pm, the western counties that are in Central time are voting an hour after the Eastern time counties close their polls...and if the Eastern time counties announce their results right after the polls close (such as if Marco Rubio sweeps that end of the state) it effectively disenfranchises the counties whose polls are still open.

There's an easy fix: open and close the Eastern counties a clock hour after the Central counties, so that all polls open and close at the same Greenwich mean time.
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