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jmowreader

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Today's Scriptural lesson comes from the Book of Onan

http://notthebible.8m.com/b4.htm

AND when the Lord saw that Onan heeded not the words of her wherein he should place his seed, the Lord determined to slay Onan, as an example to His people and to stop the terrible waste of seed. Yet Onan repented not; and even at the moment of his death, he grasped his manliness, and crying out with a great voice, said "I'm coming God! Oh God, I'm coming!"

AND HE SPILLED HIS SEED UPON THE GROUND!

You know what this country really needs? A good old-fashioned brazen altar

Or at least someone to sincerely propose building one.

The brazen altar was the structure priests like Aaron used in Biblical times to conduct animal sacrifices and offerings, and there are exacting rules for their construction - which would have to be somewhat modified because a proper brazen altar has to be built from Acacia wood, almost all Gum Acacia trees grow in Sudan, and there's a major embargo against trading with Sudan because the government there is ISIS-level evil. There are a number of sacrifice and offering categories, and the Bible describes for each one what kind of animal to use, the parts you have to burn, the parts the priest gets to keep and the parts you can serve to the rest of the town. (Nine whole chapters of Leviticus detail the procedures for animal sacrifice and offering; by contrast, two clear verses in Leviticus - one in Chapter 18 that says homosexuality is an abomination, and one in Chapter 20 that tells you to kill anyone you catch doing it - deal with gayness. BTW the direction to kill gays is on the Holy Hit List between "kill anyone you catch fucking his daughter-in-law" and "kill anyone who marries his own mother-in-law" almost as an afterthought.)

(While we're here: The King James is supposed to be the absolute and inerrant Word Of The Lord. Leviticus 20 very clearly uses the words "daughter-in-law." It seems strange that God would have invented the concept of in-laws. Wouldn't The Lord have told us not to have sex with "the wife of your son"?)

The Levitical process of killing the animals is similar enough to Jewish and Islamic slaughter practices they wouldn't be able to ban it on animal cruelty grounds. And while the Book says nothing about pollution control methods or safety equipment, it also stands mute on the question of whether you could equip a brazen altar with a smoke collector, a spark arrester or tempered glass separating the altar from the parishioners - so let's go on the theory God would be fine with it.

The question is: can you deny someone who sincerely believes his religion requires animal sacrifice and offering the right to practice his faith, while allowing people who sincerely believe their religion requires denying gay people, or women or anyone else, the same rights they have themselves to practice theirs?

GOP: We lied, Obama is a good president

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- The besieged nation's capital was shocked to its very core today when the ruling Republican Party admitted they'd been lying about the president all these years.

"We can't hold it back any longer," said John Smith, press secretary to Rep. Tim Huelscamp (R-KS). "Obama's been a good president. The economy is growing. People are finding jobs. He isn't confiscating guns or raising taxes to new heights - your tax bill isn't shooting through the roof but you're still free to. Banks aren't failing anymore. We're about to have a pretty decent nuclear accord with Iran. The Constitution is still intact. In all, he's done a really nice job especially when you consider we fight him every step of the way."

So why did they do what they did?

"Jealousy. Pure and simple. I mean, look at the guy! The whole world loves him. He's from Hawaii, for God's sake! Is that fair? He's still married to the same woman and she's still gorgeous. His kids aren't a national embarrassment. He got rich through talent and hard work and not connections and inheritances. He's everything we want to be but can't, so naturally we have to do everything in our power to destroy him. We're Republicans. It's what we do."

But when we asked him if they'd stop ripping on Obama, it took him fifteen minutes to quit laughing. "You're either stupid or high. Cutting Down Obama is the biggest gravy train in America and there's no way we'll let it go. Our only regret is, on January 19, 2017, we all have to get real jobs."

Mike Pence's favorite film?

How the sporting world can kill the Indiana RFRA

"We will not hold competitions in the state of Indiana until the Religious Freedom Restoration Act has been repealed."

They can't move the Final Four out of Indiana on a week's notice, no matter how much we might want them to. However, they CAN move all of these things:

Football: The Indianapolis Colts play football in the National Football Conference. In 2014, two preseason games, eight regular-season and the NFC wild card game were all contested in Indianapolis.

Basketball: The Indiana Pacers (National Basketball Association) and Indiana Fever (Women's National Basketball Association) are based in Indianapolis.

Motorsports: The IndyCar series, National Hot Rod Association, NASCAR Sprint Cup and NASCAR XFinity Series all run major events - IndyCar and NHRA run their biggest events of the year - in the Indianapolis area.

College sport: There are many universities in Indiana, but in sport there are three 800-pound gorillas: Notre Dame and Purdue have famous football programs, and Valparaiso regularly competes in the NCAA basketball tournament.

I get this strange feeling that eight football teams could squeeze an extra home game onto their schedules, the drag strip in Florida that hosts the Gatornationals could manage to be open on Labor Day weekend, Pocono Raceway in Pennsylvania could take the Indy 500...and what college stadium manager wouldn't love to have Notre Dame in their house?

I get an even stranger feeling that the restaurants, bars and hotels in South Bend or Indy are dependent on income from football and racing crowds to survive.

Ted Cruz' logo is really a Prince Rupert's Drop



A Prince Rupert's Drop is a pretty glass object made by dropping a glob of molten glass into a bucket of cold water. You can beat them on their sides with hammers and not have them break, but if you scratch the surface or damage the tail in any way, it explodes into a billion pieces.

Are the "Perhaps you didn't call Geico because..." commercials the most annoying ever?

How about, "perhaps I didn't call Geico because I'm happy with the insurance I have now."

How to solve the Teabagger Problem

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This guy was seen on the streets of Coeur d'Alene, ID, on Friday afternoon.

And yes, that cat is what it looks like.

Special Instructions to Players, 1898 (Warning: EXTREMELY NSFW)

In the spring of 1898, the Major League Baseball association sent this actual memorandum to the twelve teams of the league in an attempt to end what it saw as the worst problem it had at the time. The memo was so foul it was deemed illegal to post to the mails, so it was delivered by couriers.

If foul language offends you, please click the "back" button now.

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS TO PLAYERS.

In a contest between two leading clubs during the championship season of 1897, the stands being crowded with patrons of the game, a gentleman occupying a seat in the front row near the players' bench, asked one of the visiting players who was going to pitch for them. The player made no reply. He then asked a second time. The gentleman, his wife who sat with him, and others of both sexes, within hearing distance, were outraged upon hearing the player reply in a loud, brutal tone, "Oh, go fuck yourself."

On being remonstrated with by his fellow-players, who told him there were ladies present, he retorted he didn't give a damn, that they had no business there anyhow.

This shocking indecency was brought to the attention of the League at the Philadelphia meeting in November, 1897, and a committee was appointed to report upon this baseball crime, define and suggest for it a remedy.

In response to nearly one hundred communications addressed to umpires, managers and club officials, soliciting definite, positive and personal knowledge of obscene and indecent language upon the ball field, the committee received a deluge of information that was so appalling as to be almost beyond belief, showing conclusively and beyond contradiction that there was urgent need for legislative action on the part of the League.

That such brutal language as "You cock-sucking son of a bitch!" "You prick-eating bastard!" "You cunt-lapping dog!" "Kiss my ass, you son of a bitch!" "A dog must have fucked your mother when she made you!" "I fucked your mother, you sister, your wife!" "I'll make you suck my ass!" "You cock-sucker!" and many other revolting terms are used by a limited number of players to intimidate umpires and opposing players, and are promiscuously used upon the ball field, is vouched for by the almost unanimous assertion of those invited to speak, and who are competent to speak from personal knowledge. Whether it be the language quoted above, or some other indecent and infamous invention of depravity, the League is pledged to remove it from the ball field, whether it necessitates the removal of the offender for a day or for all time. Any indecent or obscene word, sentence, or expression, unfit for print or the human ear, whether mentioned in these instructions or not, is contemplated under the law and within its intent and meaning, and will be dealt with without fear or favor when the fact is established by conclusive proof.

By Order of the Committee.

Any Bible scholars here? I have a political-scriptural question

According to Scripture, is the destruction of Israel necessary to ensure the Second Coming of Christ?

I'm thinking three things here:

(1) There are people in this country who want Jesus to come back more than they want anything else in the world. And several of them - like Louie Gohmert - are in the government.

(2) Jesus won't come back until Israel has been resurrected (which happened in 1948) and destroyed again.

(3) The easiest way to make (2) happen is for the US to bomb Iran.
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