Current location: Florida
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 16,858
Current location: Florida
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 16,858
March 29, 2015
All the Fish in the Sea
Photograph by Jeff Hester, National Geographic Your Shot
Your Shot member Jeff Hester was drawn to make this image because, he says, “I believe this is what our oceans should look like.” But Cabo Pulmo, a marine park off Mexico’s Baja California peninsula, hasn't always been this way. “In 1995, park was established by local citizens to counteract depleted reef fishes and marine life due to overfishing,” he says. “Today, the biomass is booming, and the ecosystem is returning to a healthy state. For this particular image, I wanted to show some scale ... so I had my wife, seen in the foreground, swim ahead of me.”
Posted by Crewleader | Sun Mar 29, 2015, 12:18 AM (4 replies)
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, Being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife, however, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 years old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight".
When the man came home late that night he found a reply of his letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.As you know,I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.He is young,virile,and like your secretary,he is 18 years old.
You being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference;
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
THE HUSBAND FAINTED
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 09:13 PM (0 replies)
Sixth grade science teacher, Sister Mary Joseph, asked her class, "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Sister Mary Joseph ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated
Mary's mouth fell open, "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!"
Sister ignored her again and continued, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Sister said, "Very good, Billy." She then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you: (One), you have a dirty mind. (Two), you didn't read your homework. And (Three), one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 05:00 PM (2 replies)
He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites."
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 04:56 PM (1 replies)
Lipstick in Catholic School
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection With The Blessed Sacrament Exposed, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
If Sister Mary Double Genuflection ran for office I would vote for her!
Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 04:50 PM (2 replies)
The Los Angeles and Orange County area becomes even more unaffordable when it comes to housing: In last two years home prices up 28 percent while wages are up 2 percent.
L.A. is the most unaffordable housing market in the entire country. Beyond the pretense that everyone is rich and has money stashed in their backyards being guarded by Chihuahuas with cubic zirconia necklaces, most in California are living deep in debt. Those buying homes today are either investors, wealthy foreigners, or locals leveraging to the max for that wonderful crap shack. What makes the LA/OC market the most unaffordable is that wages flat out do not justify current home prices. Since LA is a majority renter county, it is important to look at dynamics in this group. One study from UCLA found that LA renters devote nearly 50 percent of their income to rent. Taco Tuesday isn’t only a baby boomer mainstay, it is a necessity to pay the rent. The disconnect only got more profound over the last two years. Housing prices in the LA/OC area went up by 28 percent while wages went up by 2 percent. Thanks to maximum leverage loans, big investor demand, and low interest rates, people can buy a $700,000 crap shack and pretend they are truly rolling deep in cash. All the data coming out is showing that many are flat out pretending and living paycheck to paycheck, even with expensive budgets.
The big disconnect between wages and home prices
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 11:26 AM (11 replies)
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?
I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I
realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief
and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!
Love Older Women & Happy Endings
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON
WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
"WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,
STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED
AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD
WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,
"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
And that's a fact!
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 10:56 AM (17 replies)
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of
a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer,
connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which
he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple ipad® that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
"You're a Congressman in the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for
that matter. This is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
Two from my e-mail buddy!
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 10:42 AM (1 replies)
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
The amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.
You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!
Posted by Crewleader | Sat Mar 28, 2015, 10:36 AM (5 replies)
March 27, 2015
Photograph by Jeremy Baker, National Geographic Your Shot
“This situation happened to come to fruition due to my five-year-old's love of the outdoors,” says Your Shot member Jeremy Baker, who captured this shot in Minot, North Dakota. Baker’s son had asked to go for a drive to look for wildlife to photograph. “ driving down a secluded dirt road ... I noticed a doe moving through the dried up sunflowers, trying to hide from me. I turned off my truck and used the window as a tripod and snapped away, as she was curious enough to show me her vulnerable side.”
Posted by Crewleader | Fri Mar 27, 2015, 05:26 AM (8 replies)