Confronting Tradition: Weddings and Feminism

[boston bean]

I’ve considered myself a feminist for as long as I can remember. And I mean that literally. I used to lecture other little kids on the playground (in my dress, because I only ever wore dresses) about how girls could do anything. This sounds somewhere between pushy and adorable, until you realize that I didn’t grow up in some liberal enclave, but in a hyper-conservative part of inland California that is more or less part of the Bible Belt. My tiny outspoken feminism was met with raised eyebrows in elementary school, and with outright hostility by middle school. This, of course, never stopped me.

But I was never as keenly aware of my feminism as when I got engaged. Culturally, major life transitions have been set up so that the woman has the more visible role (see this excellent article from The Rumpus about the public implications of being a pregnant woman). Weddings are the kick-off. After the flurry of excitement when we announced we were getting hitched, things calmed down considerably for my (now) husband David. He got the traditional back slap and “Congrats, man” from friends and then conversation moved on to other things. For me, not so much. Now, mind you, I was pretty excited to talk about pretty wedding stuff with my girlfriends, but what I wasn’t expecting was that I would suddenly be in a very public spotlight.

Here is short list of the big deal issues for women getting hitched:

The Engagement Ring
The Name Change
Who Pays

http://www.etsy.com/blog/weddings/confronting-tradition-weddings-and-feminism/

Pretty good read......

[ejpoeta]

1. When I was getting married I discovered a lot

about the traditions of the wedding. The engagement ring is a downpayment? Walking the daughter down the aisle is like handing over property. I wasn't going to do it, but I couldn't deny my dad the ability to walk his daughter down the aisle. Only for him. We got married at the family reunion at my aunt's cottage.

[boston bean]

2. I can really understand this womans POV

I don't think that I ever sat down and really gave it a lot of thought at the time. It was a happy time, but on the other hand, I did feel a bit like her looking back.

I just went with the flow. I did the easiest yet still traditional things. Just not a lot of obsessing over things.

I didn't do it for me. I did it for others. But, of course it was a special day. It was the beginning of a new family.

I did enjoy the party afterwards....

[MadrasT]

3. These things all made me uncomfortable when I got married.

The ring, the wedding, the name change, yeah, all of it.

It made me so stressed out that I refused to "plan" the wedding.

After a year and a half of engagement we just looked at each other one day and said, "I guess we actually need to get married... wanna fly to Vegas?"

So we did.

Nobody was there except the person who married us and one witness (an employee at the wedding chapel). There was no "giving away the bride" because my dad didn't own me to begin with therefore he had no standing to "give me" to anybody. I avoided the whole internal moral dilemma by having the wedding 2500 miles away from home with virtually no warning to anybody.

I had a moderate ring because at that age (25), it was important to me. (To prove I was engaged or something. And I liked the sparkles.)

I changed my name because his name was easier to spell and I was tired of spelling my birth surname. And I regretted the name change later.

Twenty years later I am recently divorced and still have his name and that bugs the crap out of me but now it is on everything... drivers license, passport, I'm known by that name professionally, and it seems like too much of a pain in the ass to change it back now.

If I ever get married again (not bloody likely because I think it is a ridiculous institution FOR ME, not for everybody but FOR ME) it is going to be a simple ceremony and a big party for all our friends. But I don't see that happening. And I would have to face all these questions again... ring or no ring? Dress or no dress? Name change or not? Blech.

I don't think people should give up wedding traditions just to prove a point, but it is good to think about them and decide what they mean to you and what they are symbolizing in the context of your own life.

Good article, thanks for posting.

[boston bean]

6. You know, I was too dumb back then to really give it much thought.

I know that I didn't like some stuff, but never really thought about why.

And because of it, I just made it as simple as possible for me. I too, wish I hadn't changed my name. My last name got even worse than my maiden name. But people shorten it up a bit....

[JustAnotherGen]

4. My husband's observation?

(We just got married April 15)

He observed that people acted like the MOST IMPORTANT THING Adrienne has ever done in her life . . . is getting engaged. Just stunned by it. I brushed it off - but he did tell people at a house party in December last year -

With all due respect - if the greatest thing Adrienne has ever done in her life was getting engaged - I wouldn't be marrying her.

Now - by a lot of folks at DU's standards - we really did an over the top wedding for about 70 guests. But we are both never married - no kids . . . I'm 39 - he's 43 (from Italy - this is key). It was BIG DEAL to those who attended. Not because it was the 'be all and end all for Adrienne aka justanothergen - but because I was a confirmed bachelorette and he was a confirmed bachelor. There was a lot of: These two are serious as sin from our guests. They got it - it wasn't an End Game. It was the beginning of a long journey together.

But that journey is not possible if either one of us ceases to be the fabulous individuals that we are!

[boston bean]

5. I'm really liking your husband! LOL

The more I get to know of him here, through you, I'm thinking you both must be very happy together!

Nice to hear, and to also hear so much respect. I like the way he thinks!

[CrispyQ]

8. I love your last sentence!

[CrispyQ]

7. I confronted tradition & said fuck it.

When I was a kid, I spent hours looking through bridal mags & designing wedding dresses for my paper dolls & planning my wedding, inspired largely by the gorgeous dress that my mom & a dear aunt made by hand, which Mom wore when she married my father. A cousin of mine was the first in our generation to get married, & she told my grandmother she wanted to wear the dress. My grandmother told my Mom that my cousin was going to wear the dress. I don't think my mom knew how to tell her mom no.

I look back now & it seems like a stupid thing, but I was really pissed. This was the 2nd big rift between my mother & me in a very short time. I was 19 at this point & both events changed the tone of our relationship forever. So, 10 years later when I got married, I didn't tell a soul. My mother had already made it clear she didn't approve of him. That didn't help matters between us.

We went to the JP in jeans & running shoes & it was just the two of us & the judge. The words his Honor spoke were some of the most beautiful about marriage that I've ever heard - I still have them! No rings, no name change. My only regret is that we didn't take a camera have his Honor snap a shot or two.

Next time Mom called I said, "Oh, I got married a few weeks ago." There was silence & then a heavy sigh & she said, "I guess I'm not surprised you did it this way." I said, "You shouldn't be."

All that said, I love attending weddings! I love the dresses, the flowers, the cake & the little candies & most of all the celebration of two people in love committing themselves to each other. Oh, and that ring on the site? Gorgeous! But I would never wear it on my left ring finger!

BTW, I read that the seven year itch is now a four year itch. How's that for a happy ending to a post about weddings?

[seabeyond]

9. what bothered me were so many of the men, friends, father in law

that created the atmosphere that hubby at the end of freedom. forced down the isle. shackling himself. and i was suppose to just stand there and smile like i was not continually being insulted.

i never had a desire to marry. didnt care about it. after so many years alone and good with it, i found a man i actually enjoyed and envisioned i could live with and not go mad.

i was not going to do the tradition of money spent, diamond engagement ring, being handed over, bachelor party of one last fuck and freedom as if he is being deprived (or seeing the naked woman) or what i felt all the many imbalances geared to raising the man up and belittling the woman.

we were at a family reunion (his) in florida and it was the first time i was meeting his family. four siblings, two married and his parents.

middle of the week he asked me to marry. i told him, could not see doing the whole wedding thing. his mom and my mom would be at each other and we would never make it down the isle. friday morning, we went out in sea does and played.... then took off to the justice of peace that afternoon, telling no one. bought seashell rings on the way. afterwards toasted with champagne and shrimp cocktail. it was wonderful, perfect. i could not see doing it any other way.

[laconicsax]

10. One of the downsides of Facebook...

...is seeing that pretty much every girl and woman you went to school with took their husband's name.

[eridani]

11. I got a lot of crap for not taking my husband's name in 1970

I was a couple of thousand miles away from family, and so we did our own hippy thing. One of our commune roommates had a Universal Life Church license, and did the official paperwork in return for part of his share of the rent. That was the only expense apart from the food.