On a serious note:

[Texasgal]

Let me preface this... it's gonna be long bow out now if you are not in the mood.

My niece.

She is very young ( 19) and a sophomore at University Of Texas. Smart, lovely and beautiful. Her brother ( My nephew) had a baby in High School and married the mother and now are getting divorced. She ( My niece ) was upset. My brother and sister in law care for him alot he is 3 years old now.

Back to my niece.

The family is deeply rooted in Baptists religion, my brother ( whom I am close ) has accepted this church very much to the point where they go several times weekly, volunteer and have my folks involved as well. This is not the "real" deal but anyway... .

So, niece gets pregnant with her college boyfriend. Shocking to my brother, my sister in law, parents family etc. The pregnancy puts a big dent her in plans and the young boy as well. They are on sports scholarships.

She gave birth. 12 weeks early. The baby is in the NICU unit at the hospital. He is so tiny and not developed fully. I saw him and was amazed at his little size. He is beautiful.

After a a very emotional visit seeing this little guy who is only 2 pounds and 4 oz. My sister in law, knowing that I am more left than the family says to me:

" aren't you glad you didn't ask her for to get an abortion?"

I'm thinking "what?" I mean, this is someones OWN choice. I would never suggest or imply that abortion would be better! That statement really got me. I mean my family is so rooted in the Baptists religion yet they are OKAY with a child born out of wedlock and then the question of abortion??? WTF?

I am so hurt by all of this and I wonder why she would ever think this way. I'm left, but DAYUM! I believe in CHOICE!

What can I do here, should I leave this alone? Should I try to explain my philosophy?

[boston bean]

1. let their dreadful words leave you.

To even have something like that on their mind at a time like this tells me they are not stable, due to religion.

Sorry to be so blunt.

What a bunch of mean people. Religion can do that to a person.

And no, I am not talking all people who go to church and believe in God. Just people who would be thinking and saying something like this to a family member who was their to support and show love.

[elleng]

2. You can leave it alone for now,

and come here for

At some point, whoever said that to you MAY feel apologetic.

[seabeyond]

3. hell no. ok, it is choice, so it is your choice to say something or not

with choice, i can only speak for myself. that would have gotten a mouth drop, a look in the eye and an immediate.... OMG, what an ugly thing to say.

and i would have walked off.

and she could have made the next move

i would NOT let that stand. no if ands or buts. i am also confrontational. i dont let people give me their shit and i certainly dont own it. i would call her right now and tell her what a hurtfully offensive thing that was to say to you. you expect more of her. and at a sad/fearful (cause of weight) time, yet joyous time, to try to give you that garbage is beyond insulting.

tell her you are so mad, you do not want to talk about it now

and let her sit on it. and think. reflect. how offensive she is

and she can come to you

NOW, that is what i would do with no hesitation at all.

but that is just me.

i am sorry that anyone would dare to treat you in that manner. but there is no way i would let that stand.

her proclamation of being a christian fell short.... by a long mark

i am sorry

[seabeyond]

4. ah ha... i am so different from everyone... sigh. lol.

[boston bean]

5. when it comes to family

There are many consideration. Yes the words hurt I'm sure, but to have a knock down drag out family fight over in the hospital with a 12 week premature 2.4 oz baby struggling. nah, not for me. What they said was brutal, and rude, and down right nasty... but....

There is nothing wrong with just walking away. Sometimes it is the absolute right thing to do. For many reasons.

Plus, there would be NOTHING texasgal could say that would ever make them understand her choice POV. NOTHING!

It would be like talking to a brick wall.

[seabeyond]

6. not me.... not even a little. i can be calm and fine for the baby, the mother and the rest of the

family, but that sister in law would feel the chill

[boston bean]

7. Why she would only feel more righteous.

You can't talk sense about abortion to a fundy.

Hell, sometimes it's just best to know how you are, and who they are. If you really can't stand it, cut off the relationship at some point.

But obviously Texasgal has love for the family.

[seabeyond]

11. i love my family, too. i also express what i am feeling and though mad, always unconditional love.

i dont hold it in. and it doesnt fester. this woman didnt? she had no qualms at all making her dig, that she had probably thought long and hard of prior to saying it. relishing the opportunity to make her jab.

dont say anything, she will do it again. draw a line, she wont play the cat and mouse.

and forgiving, or not even holding onto, is easy for me. but not if i hold it within. never.

doesnt bode well for any of us.

now.... i am a different person. so what might be good for one, is not good for another.

all my family know i am going to say what i think. they also all know i unconditionally love them and it is not all of who they are. just this moment, that i am calling out.

me....

[Texasgal]

18. I've often dealt with their

"religious" choices out of respect. I've attended Christmas and Easter services. I've watched the kids get baptized.

I've not agreed,but I love my family. I am just shocked that this is what "they" think about me.

I would never suggest abortion to anyone! It's a choice. It's hurtful.

[seabeyond]

21. you have choices. can you truly let it go? if so, do it.

will it fester inside? then it is not healthy for you or any of your family.

you are so kind.

are you telling me, you cannot go to this woman (i assume you like her ok, she is family, just this one part of her) and tell her how hurt you are she would make such a comment at such a wonderful time. that for you, it is not a time for a political stand. that it was the time for family. and she hurt you.

dont you think (i dont know the woman, it is all guesses) that she will give you a hug and say, sorry.....

and let you heal....

[Texasgal]

29. I just don't know.

I'm thinking I need to say "hey, I love your grandson, and I would NEVER suggest abortion" but I am so bothered by her statement it's making it hard.

Hopefully, this will pass and I can talk to her about what "choice" really means.

Thank you for your response.

[seabeyond]

31. woman

i dont even go there with people in this area. good luck to you on that. but i have not talked political issues in this area since 2004.

and, you will know what you need to do, .... from the heart. always from the heart. and that always seems to work and is heard.


hugs to you

and geez..... 2.4 lb. wow. little. lots of love to the little one and the mother.

[boston bean]

23. .

[Texasgal]

9. The chill is there.

Oh yes.

She dosen't know totally, but it is there.

[Texasgal]

8. I'm with you on that.

I so want to tell my brother how offended I was by his wife's statement but I feel I need to keep the peace.

The sad thing is that she ( and who knows who else) believes that I recommend an abortion because I am pro choice.

[boston bean]

12. yeah, like you were counseling their daughter to get an abortion

or just because you believe in choice, you were hoping she would have an abortion.

Nasty, texasgal, just a nasty thing to say to you.

But if you try to explain your POV, it will only stiffen their resolve that you are in favor of killing babies. It just isn't worth it if you want to have a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a relationship with your brother. I just know that these type of issues can cause real wedges. Don't let the SIL have that kind of power over you.

There are all just suggestions. I am sure you know what you can and can't say and still be ok. Just from my own experiences, this would be my advice.

[seabeyond]

16. i wouldnt explain. i wouldnt not allow the conversation to go to religion or abortion

that is not what the issue is. that is for sure.

allowing any kind of conversation about abortion is a lose. so right on.

but for me, that is not what would be addressed. not the issue.

ps... we disagree, but i am loving seeing how differently people approach things

[boston bean]

20. With someone who would say such a thing, and has such beliefs

there would be no escaping it, because they would be falling back on their moral religious righteousness.

No win situation imho, if she wants a relationship with her brother. The wife will have much more sway, especially if he is religious as well.

But then again, I'm not living it, and it's Texasgals decision. I support either way. But when advice is asked, I must give my truthful opinion.

[seabeyond]

25. you are right. i am not either. i do live in the panhandle of texas.

and i know a lot of these types people. they dont get how hurtful these stupid comments are. cause they dont get the position we hold. we are not advocating abortion. we are advocating choice. they do not see a distinction.

[seabeyond]

15. see, i am opposed to going to brother.

to me, that is copping out. then you are missing with their marriage and forcing brother to take sides.

and if she is believing something not true, even more reason to have a frank conversation. they are family. if you dont be straight with family, who are you straight with.

[Texasgal]

24. True.

I am so hurt over this.

I guess i should just blow it off and let things just be. It's just upsetting to me that because I feel that choice is so important.

[seabeyond]

26. It's just upsetting to me that because I feel that choice is so important.

but this sounds like you are taking it to a political position, too.

[Texasgal]

30. You are right.

Ofcourse, knowing that I tend to be more left in the family would she have said the same statement to my conservative mother?

Uggg... I need to let this go. You are so right. Thanks Sea.

[seabeyond]

32. 2004.... my husband told all my family.... NO POLITICS in this house

everyone comes to our house for everything. they are fox news watchers. and my hubby, a repug, voted kerry and really felt it was stolen. and he put his foot down.

all these years, we dont.

it works

[elleng]

14. Its ok to be different in this matter, sea.

My older daughter has emotionally mistreated her younger sister for a long time, and I speak only if/when I think it might help, which, considering my daughters, is not often.

[seabeyond]

17. that is just too bad

i have an answer for that, too. lol.

i would be telling the younger daughter to detached and not allow, lol

i am like that. as a parent. living life. i dont know why. maybe i ought to do some reflecting... lol

and i would still totally unconditionally love the older daughter while telling the younger daughter to detach and not allow

[elleng]

19. I do both, sea!!!

And recognize that its difficult for younger to detach.

[seabeyond]

28. oh, i tell you

i dont know what is going on in your house. but, my youngest i dont think has ever said a negative thing about brother. and the oldest.... all the friggin time. how to do things, what he is doing wrong, what he needs to do, how he needs to do

i hear ya.

my oldest will be going to college next year. and youngest already, when oldest isnt home, wanders over to me.... what am i going to do when he isnt home...

they even share a room

neither have wanted their own room

ya...

best we can

[Little Star]

10. Who ever said that to you is ignorant. I suggest you...

try to let it roll off like water off a duck's back.

The whole situation is so sad yet wonderful at the same time. Try to keep your mind on what's really important which is that tiny, beautiful little guy and his parents.

Really, that nasty swipe at you at a time like this is not worth giving two thoughts about.

She was trying to draw you into a political/religious debate and you owe her nothing. Let it go, it's not worth two seconds of your time in this situation.

I'm sorry she did that to you. It was mean and ignorant.

[Texasgal]

13. It was so hurtful.

And yes, the baby is so sweet and beautiful.

[hlthe2b]

22. I too would have bitten my lip because the focus is on your niece, the child....

But, I suspect that it will have to be addressed sometime in the future--when the immediate emotional impact has waned. I say that because I don't think this is going to be a painful incident that is so readily put aside. It would only be natural for you to be cool towards your SIL, even if you didn't mean to be. And undoubtedly someone will confront you about it.

But, at that point, with much of the emotion passed, would probably be a good time for a dispassionate discussion of the incident and why you found it so painful and upsetting. Whether that discussion is with your brother, or your SIL, or both, I suppose might depend on the future circumstances.

But, I think you are definitely doing the right thing in trying to put it aside for now. How horrible to have a family member be so thoughtless, clueless, and hurtful.

[Texasgal]

27. Thank you.

It was hurtful.

Ofcourse, I need to focus on helping my niece with her young child. I've been having lunch, cookies and other things delivered for a few days. She is going through alot right now.

[redqueen]

33. Oh how awful...

I agree with those who said this isn't the time.

Whatever you decide to say or not say at some other point, let right now be about the new baby.

Also, not sure if this has any validity, but is it possible that she might be lashing out out of defensiveness? The whole baby out of wedlock thing (for the second time, even) might make her feel like she's somehow failed as a parent, and it's possible her lashing out at you was her way of dealing (or not dealing) with her own feelings of inadequacy. I know it's no excuse, but... I dunno, just a thought I had.

[seabeyond]

34. i betcha. that could be. nt

[Texasgal]

35. Good point Redqueen

I actually pondered this point myself.

I realize that she is stressed, my Brother and her will be taking care of the baby, they want my niece to obtain her education no matter what. She also takes care of grandchild one as well.

They do have alot on their plates.

[BlueIris]

36. What a terrible thing to say to you.

Especially at such an emotional time.

[Texasgal]

37. Thanks to all for your wonderful

words of wisdom and love.

I must slumber now, five a.m comes mighty early and I have a full day in the surgical suites!

Thank you all Women. I feel somewhat better!

G'night!

[seabeyond]

38. hey texas...

i had some wine last night, (less than two glasses, not a drinker, lol) and in a fuck you.... (not you, as in you) mood last night.

[MadrasT]

39. No words of wisdom that aren't already here.

Just wanted to say "I hear ya" and I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Texasgal]

40. *update*

Tonight I was able to see the baby, he is doing better and is doing skin to skin therapy with my niece. She get's to hold him 30 minutes daily against her chest.

My sister in law has been pleasant and we have had no words. It's almost like it didn't happen.

I think at this point I am inclined to move on. As much as I was hurt and blindsided by this comment it's really not about me.

The baby is tiny and lovely, I am amazed . He has lost weight, but this is normal. He will gain as he gets more healthy. I cannot say enough about the NICU nurses. As an RN myself I cannot imagine the hard work they do. I am just a surgical nurse.

Thank you all for your support and kindness. I means much to be able to rant!

[BlueIris]

41. Good news.

Here's hoping your great nephew starts growing like gangbusters tomorrow.

[CrispyQ]

42. They just don't get the CHOICE thing, do they?

Is she someone that you are close to & want to continue a close relationship with? If so, I would call her & address the issue. If she's just an SIL that you only deal with occasionally, then I'd let it go.

[Little Star]

43. How you doing? I hope you have been able to overcome the hurt...

Maybe I was a bit harsh and judgmental in my reply and I'm sorry for that. It just made me angry that that happened to you.

Hope you are able to get past this with out letting it hurt you just because her comment was unkind.