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Sat Nov 10, 2012, 11:53 AM

Damn this is confusing

I got divorced last spring, but I had to keep it secret for a while. I was married to a fellow DUer who hopefully doesn't ever come to this part of DU... I was glad, mostly, to get the divorce. I thought I was only sad for my daughters' sakes, because they love their dad and I never wanted to make them live through divorce. Since we moved back to the US, it's been this weird truce between the two of us, which works sometimes but not all the time. I am living in his childhood home, a house in city in a state I don't like, for the sake of my girls. I'm working at the family thrift store, which is also weird and I have to explain the situation to just about a customer a day because so many people know the ex's parents and they ask me questions. Ok, I'm an adult, I can take it.

But. The ex is leaving, probably for a few months, to be with his fiance and his two year old son. I tell myself I am sad about it because for the first time my girls will be away from their dad for the holidays, with the knowledge that he is with his other family.
But the fact is, it makes me sad too. Really sad. I don't want to get back together with him. But I know that when he comes back there will be another fucking period of adjustment, and we've all been through too much of that lately. The last two weekends, I've meant to do something productive around the house, but I just sit on the couch and cry.

When the ex leaves, I will also have to pay the electricity and phone bills, which he was paying as part of the child support. For the holidays, I will be flat broke, and the girls and I need winter clothes and shoes because we lived in the desert for nine years and we are coming back to what seems like will be a cold winter in Florida. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to get the things I have to have, and I will probably have to sell some jewelry. I guess I should be happy I have some to sell.

But the resentment and sadness and isolation and lack of friends and having no money and being afraid this will always be the way it is is just too hard. I've become a little unhinged. I decided a long time ago that my motto is "Make things better and not worse" and that's at least a good guideline, but sometimes I just can't do it. Sometimes it's impossible to stop myself from simply despairing. I don't even understand myself right now and I want to understand but I think this isn't actually the right time for understanding, it's the time for action and forgiving myself if trying doesn't work out like I want it to.

To be fair, I do have my mom and sister for limited sympathy, on the phone. I have a fiance myself, who cheers me up when we chat over the internet. I've talked a little to anyone who would listen, even knowing I'm a huge vat of neediness and people don't like that.
I try to balance what I feel I need with not being too much trouble to other people, who have troubles themselves. I'm trying to change the way I think, and the widen the things I dare to do.

And still, everything is hard.

12 replies, 1760 views

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 12 replies Author Time Post
Reply Damn this is confusing (Original post)
clyrc Nov 2012 OP
LiberalEsto Nov 2012 #1
clyrc Nov 2012 #2
LiberalEsto Nov 2012 #4
clyrc Nov 2012 #6
elleng Nov 2012 #3
LiberalEsto Nov 2012 #5
clyrc Nov 2012 #7
sure0828 Sep 2013 #8
SheilaT Sep 2013 #9
clyrc Oct 2013 #10
bluewave29 Oct 2013 #11
clyrc Nov 2013 #12

Response to clyrc (Original post)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:20 PM

1. Sending you hugs and blessings

and suggesting you go to DUer OneGrassRoot's Wishadoo web site. I think you will find some practical help there.

Link: http://www.wishadoo.org/

Can you apply for government assistance with the utility bills?

Also remember that there are many kind, compassionate DU members who help one another out - regardless of how they rip each others' throats out in General Discussion. We are here for one another. We will listen and try to help if we can.

I've been in bad shape myself in recent months - unemployment, etc., and often feel like I have no friends. I think people everywhere are struggling to stay above water, and have run out of energy to reach out to one another. I have found amazing reassurance here at DU.

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

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Response to LiberalEsto (Reply #1)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:26 PM

2. I'm sorry you're in bad shape, too, LiberalEsto

I know that is common right now. I have a few DU FaceBook friends who have been facing worse things than me for longer. And I joined the Wishadoo site last week, I just haven't looked around there much.

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Response to clyrc (Reply #2)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:51 PM

4. Thanks!

It looks like you are taking the right steps despite your situation. You can and will overcome this, and you can find support here.

It does seem like a lot of people are struggling harder lately. I wonder if the dark cloudy weather is getting to them at this time of year. It gets to me.

The shorter days probably affect a lot more people than anyone suspects. Lack of sunlight makes people feel depressed and hopeless. I use a sun box light for 20 minutes a day Sept. to March, and it makes a difference. Can you get out in the sun more when you have time?

Basically I've been out of work for 4 years (husband has a job) and never getting replies to applications, let alone interviews.

Keep me posted on how you're managing.

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Response to LiberalEsto (Reply #4)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 02:46 PM

6. I will do that

thanks.

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Response to clyrc (Original post)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 12:29 PM

3. Very sorry.

Child support obligations should NOT end with geographical changes. Look into it.

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Response to elleng (Reply #3)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 01:01 PM

5. Good advice

and Elleng is one of the nicest people in DU.

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Response to elleng (Reply #3)

Sat Nov 10, 2012, 02:49 PM

7. I'm living in the house rent free, and borrowing his mother's car

He doesn't have a job right now, so taking him to court would be pointless. And of course he can't get one if he is spending two months in Kenya.

There are, of course, people I could beg money from. Right now selling jewelry appeals to me more.

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Response to clyrc (Original post)

Sun Sep 22, 2013, 06:19 AM

8. hopefully you somebody has some words of wisdom

hopefully you somebody has some words of wisdom oh, 52 year old lady who just graduated college got her AA degree in respiratory therapy. I was dating a 29 yr old long time friend for like 15 months.
okay to be perfectly honest the first night in happened I did tell me the next day that our friendship meant more than a few nights have sex. but I didn't convince me that if we just kept his friends there be no problem. 5 months I was still being friends he's going around telling everybody that we're getting married and moving to New Mexico. min. you all this was news to me I never planned on being married to him or anybody else ever again for fact. then I get sick go into the hospital 2 days. I get out to a "your a dumb bitch text". I need also tell you that prior to this we spent 4 months sitting at home because he was on house arrest and SCRAM because of 2 DUI, I'm sitting there all day everyday with him running him around with classes helping pay his fines and all. Doing everything to try keep him happy and not get depressed about being stuck. But the first time I need him he boltz. I got sick and went into hospital for 2 days.
it really hurts he went back to his ex wife who I know he is not even care about the day i went in. He loves me 1 day then dont the next. 2 weeks he broke u. witj me he comes over to my house kicking and screaming he's going to kill me knifes2 of my tires and smash my kitchen window I had no choice but to call the Sheriff's and file vandalism charges. Well later that night he continued to text me and give me a countdown on how long I had to live so sadly once again I had to call the Sheriff's, so they told me I had to take out a restraining order which I did. The next day after he was served he calls me I tell him nicely that he's not allowed to call me there's a restraining order, so what did he do, just comes over to my house. So I call the Sheriff's told them and asked if they could please just go tell him to leave me alone. I guess when sheriff's got there he was totally drunk and got stupid with them got himself arrested.
Week later I'm talking to a friend who said I need to really think about it cuz he was looking at two years prison time and could I live with myself if he went to prison. so nicely I call him and tell him I'm going to go ahead and drop all this stuff just forget him and it. of course I have to ride J to court cause he doesn't have a car. So after court he asked to come to my house for a bit. and basically doesn't leave for 6 months. Till my son his girlfriend and her son cam. to my place cause they had no where to go. its only 2 days later I took him to his parents to do work at his neighbprs. I find out that was a lie and I find out he cheated on me again with his ex. So I end it. Tell him it's over we're done no more now I don't care. I desirve better then people cheat on me I feel like I'm worth more than that that's for sure. He beggs tocome back Bubba blah blah blah but you know no can't do that. So he block me from Facebook changes the email addresses and phone number everything yet I didn't change mine so he like to call me from restricted numbers I understand he's checking out my facebook daily all the time because I didn't change mine hide my stuff
okay here's my big problem people need help with I can't forget him I get him out of my mind I don't know why I need help what do I do to get him off my mind I know that I deserve better then 2 be cheated on and lied to especially when you're doing everything for that person but why can't I forget him I've never had this problem before. I've always been the popular girl be able to get any guy I want. and he's nothing special to tell you the truth. he doesn't work he likes a sponge of everybody wants me to all the work. he has been on my google plus account trying to lure me in the chat room with me cause he sayI am popper thank God I found out he had six different Google+ account spying on me now anybody out there know how to find out what is using as a new Facebook account. anybody have any suggestions on how I can you forward my life forget this idiot

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Response to sure0828 (Reply #8)

Sun Sep 22, 2013, 01:33 PM

9. The next time don't drop the charges against him.

Staying in touch, driving him around, paying his fines, then not blocking your facebook page to him, and everything else is simply enabling his behavior.

Cut all ties. Too bad you can't move to another state, but that's probably not an option.

Oh, and paragraphs are your friend.

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Response to sure0828 (Reply #8)

Thu Oct 3, 2013, 10:56 AM

10. I know it's never as simple as it looks from the outside

But honestly, if at all possible, you really should distance yourself. Distance really does make it easier to see what how bad a relationship was.

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Response to clyrc (Original post)

Thu Oct 24, 2013, 10:33 PM

11. it definitely gets better over time, but first ....

hey, i read your note and must say that your note doesn't reflect a person falling apart. i say that not to doubt you but to point out that talking and writing about it is helpful. it forces you to use reason and leads you to articulate things that many others keep repressed or unexamined. you have a great mind, and no doubt a strong constitution. it takes strength to notice, then describe details in a coherent way when going through a trauma. the "unhinging" thing will express itself later as most trauma does (delayed reactions, post-traumatic stress). today's crisis seems to be in front of you, and understood, even if resented and dispiriting. it will be next month's and maybe even next year's crises that may befuddle you, as your mind recovers from this incredible stress. so on an emotional level, i would say you are coping just as first responders cope to the burning building. the challenge will be the life you create for yourself to avoid re-living the hurt and stress a year from now. But that is not my real reason for writing. i am a lawyer who went through a traumatic divorce. i noticed that your husband apparently stopped paying support after he returned to his new family. I wanted to be sure that you know that your children take priority in the eyes of the law when it comes to support. He must care for his children with you first then his new ones. That is just the way the law handles such multi-family situations. I don't know what state you are in but that is generally the law across the states. so do not be intimated or hesitate to press for child support even if his income will not support your kids and his new kids. frankly, his new kids are his problems and will not be allowed or tolerated as an excuse. i have even read cases, where the court protected the first children even when the child in the second family had disabilities. so never ever rest on your rights vis a vis the children. in fact, those rights belong to them, and even tho you are the custodial parent, you cannot waive or disregard their individual rights to support. if you wanted, you could get the court to appoint a guardian to represent the children's interest if you cannot afford to pay for the attorney. the court will appoint an attorney at no cost to you in order to protect the independent rights of your children vis a vis their father. good luck, gal. if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger in the end. nicholas

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Response to bluewave29 (Reply #11)

Fri Nov 8, 2013, 08:40 AM

12. Thank you so much, Bluewave29

Even almost a year after I wrote this post, I appreciate what you just wrote. It is harder this year, on a day to day basis. And thank you for your advice, too. It's certainly something to think over.

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