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Mon Jul 9, 2012, 01:46 PM

Abusive husband

I wish I didn't have to ask for help, but I don't know where to turn.

I've been married for 27 years. My husband had drug and alcohol problems earlier, but slowed way down over the years. He seldom has anything to drink, but smokes a lot of medical marijuana, which is illegal here.

He was forced to retire early because of an orthopedic problem. He refuses to have a joint replacement because he's scared. So he goes to a rheumatologist who gives him opiates. The doctor asked my husband about prior drug and alcohol abuse, and he did admit to it, but the doctor prescribed it anyway.

My husband has become extremely mean and abusive in the 6 weeks since he started the drug. This morning, he shoved me off the bed because he was frustrated about something or other, I don't even know what about. I'm 56 with my own health issues and landing on the floor is dangerous for someone my age.

I told him that I will not tolerate abuse and would leave if he didn't settle down. He told me if I left, he would hunt me down and kill me.

Do I go to the police? Battered women's shelter?

My family is of no help whatsoever, mental illness, alcoholism, etc. His family is nothing but enablers.

Can someone point me in the right direction? Thanks so much.

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Arrow 10 replies Author Time Post
Reply Abusive husband (Original post)
Holly_Hobby Jul 2012 OP
Arkansas Granny Jul 2012 #1
Holly_Hobby Jul 2012 #2
Lionessa Jul 2012 #3
SheilaT Jul 2012 #4
ProudToBeBlueInRhody Jul 2012 #5
MrsBrady Jul 2012 #6
HelenaHandbasket Jul 2012 #7
JNelson6563 Jul 2012 #8
liberal_mama Aug 2012 #9
DiverDave Oct 2012 #10

Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Mon Jul 9, 2012, 02:11 PM

1. First of all, get yourself to a safe place. If there is a women's shelter where you live,

call them. You have to be safe before you can do anything about your husband's behavior. Don't try to reason with him while he is in this state of mind and don't wait until you get hurt before you take any action.

Second of all, contact your husband's doctor and inform him of the changes in your husband's behavior. It sounds like he is having a bad reaction to the drugs he is taking now.

I would only contact the police as a last resort. If you feel that he will harm you or hurt himself, by all means, call for help.

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Response to Arkansas Granny (Reply #1)

Mon Jul 9, 2012, 02:38 PM

2. Thank you

Can I just get on a plane and leave town? I don't want him to report me missing. I'm sorry, I just can't think.

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Reply #2)

Mon Jul 9, 2012, 02:43 PM

3. When he reports you missing, simply call the local officers and inform them you are safe and

 

had to put distance between you and hubby till his doctor adjusts his meds because he was becoming violent. Do not them or anyone where you are though.

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Tue Jul 10, 2012, 01:12 PM

4. Absolutely leave.

If family is no help, do you have friends who will take you in at least temporarily? Yes, do seek out local battered women's shelter as a start.

Because he has already threatened you, you might want to consider getting a restraining order against him, although they often are not very useful. But you will at least have it on record then that he has threatened you.

As soon as is realistically possible, move as far away as you can and start a new life. It will be worth it.

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Tue Jul 10, 2012, 07:09 PM

5. I agree with the others above

Your safety comes first. Get out of there, now!

But all of this only started when he was given the new meds? He wasn't threatening or abusive in any way, shape, or form prior to this?

You need to get to his doctor and inform him of this and if he refuses to talk to you, you need to contact a social service or family addiction group. The man is an addict and NEVER should have been given such powerful drugs.

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Tue Jul 10, 2012, 07:15 PM

6. get any money available to you

and take it with you...

even if you have to clean out the checking account...etc...

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Wed Jul 25, 2012, 08:46 PM

7. Went Through This Myself...You Will Survive...Be Strong

I had a similar situation and it just got worse and worse. It went from the occasional black eye or busted lip or bruise until I ended up with a crushed disk in my spine, a concussion, a blood clot in my head, a fractured jawbone and several of my back teeth loosened. I had to have all of those things taken care of medically! Sometimes the police arrive too late or you can't get to a phone. Police also only come if they have what they deem a real reason to and they tell you that they can't enforce a restraining order unless the abuser actually does something or violates a court order. Any threats have to be proven. A restraining order is only a piece of paper and a verbal warning. A person who is drugged and violent and is usually irrational and illogical. Paper cannot stops fists or worse.

I went through the same thing...nobody in my family wanted to hear it. His family kept telling me to stay with him because despite everything he was a "good man". No, he wasn't. He was a closet-druggy and a manipulative monster. I hid it from friends and co-workers. It was horrible and I felt that I had no where to turn. I did go to the police but they only helped in an emergency. I worried that if I left him I'd not be able to take care of the kids alone. We had a house but it was in his name only. He had it long before I met him. I worked but didn't make a lot of money and most of that was going toward childcare.

I felt like a prisoner and it was all so unpredictable. I never knew from one minute to the next if he was going to snap or if he'd actually carry out his threats. I finally just decided that anything had to be better than what I was going through at home. I simply drove off one day in my car with the kids and left the area. I had no money...nothing. I didn't tell anybody I was leaving. I just drove and put major miles between us. I knew that I could not leave my state or may have faced kidnapping charges, but I drove all the way to the opposite end of the state! I called the United Way and they pointed me to a battered women's shelter where I remained until I could get on my feet.

I went to court and told the judge that my monstrous ex-husband (who showed up in court with two attorneys and an entourage) could be nowhere near the kids until I was positive he was off drugs. I didn't care what the courts said. The judge told me that the court order said that this abusive monster had visitation rights and was paying child support. My ex was a well-to-do, functional druggy who had the connections and the money to manipulate the system and people. I defied the judge and the court. My kids, my life. The judge told me that if I didn't comply with the court's visitation order that I'd face legal action. So now, not only was I fighting my ex-husband, but now I had to fight the court system.

It was horrible to go through, but I am glad I had the strength to leave. What would have happened if I didn't? I may not even be around to type this, but guess what? It was all years ago and I overcame it. I got myself together and raised my children alone just fine, brought myself and my kids a house, went back to college and made a decent living. I just went back for my master's degree now. My kids are now grown up just fine and gone out on their own and I am in a happy place with a wonderful and kind man in my life. Life is beautiful. It's like you have to go through the prickly thorns to get to the beautiful rose.

Eventually I reconnected with the man who abused me (only because my kids asked that we make amends). He is now an elderly man (he was much, much older than I when we married). He and I are not friends, but we can tolerate each other for the sake of our adult children. I let the past stay in the past and while I didn't forget, I forgave. If I didn't, he would have still had some kind of hold on me. I freed myself in every way possible. You can too. Be strong. You will get through this, but it will not be easy.

I don't know if the United Way still helps with this kind of stuff, but you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). Make sure you do this secretly without him knowing. Call from a payphone or a friend's house and not from your home phone or cell phone. Ask them what you should do and who can help and where you can go.

I know that it's hard to leave a man that you may still love because you probably remember when he was not all bad. You may even feel sorry for him because of what he's going through. More importantly, it's scary and overwhelming to step out into the world all alone. That's only natural. Only you can decide what is best for you, but getting hit and verbally abused is not a life anyone deserves or wants. There comes a time in life when you have to decide what's practical for you and when a person is beyond help or redemption even if you are deeply connected to them. That's up to you.

Be safe, be smart, be strong and I wish you all the best!

Nobody deserves to be abused! Nobody!!!!!!!!

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Response to HelenaHandbasket (Reply #7)

Tue Jul 31, 2012, 09:13 AM

8. My dear.



Awesome post. You go girl!

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Wed Aug 15, 2012, 01:24 PM

9. Holly, how are you doing?

I know the pain of an abusive relationship. I hope you are doing better.

((((((Hugs))))))))))

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Response to Holly_Hobby (Original post)

Fri Oct 12, 2012, 05:00 AM

10. GET OUT NOW!

Just leave, you said it yourself, you dont know what he will do.
Your kids need you, they dont need a piece of trash that hits you and threatens you life.
LEAVE,PLEASE.
Call your local battered women's shelter after you get away.
Don't give him the chance to hurt you again.

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