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I am really sorry to hear about your loss. He was not being honest with you; he lied and cheated on you, and it makes no difference whether you were legally married or not.

What he did to you is not your fault. It is his.

If you can, I would suggest you get some counseling. A good therapist can help you see what is happening, and can really help you get back your self esteem.

You need to find out why he was so attractive to you, and how to avoid anyone who would lie and cheat you this way.

Welcome to DU...this is a good place...

I've been in therapy several times, for different issues than yours, and I have always gotten the help I needed.

Go for it!

His online persona is...

People who brag about their sex life in forums usually NEED to. Because it's the closest thing to sex that they're actually getting.

And I would second Peggy's input about finding some counseling. If there is a way to not go through this alone, I think that would be good.

As far as being eaten up by sexual jealousy- what he's boasting about- is this really true, or is he trying to make people think something that's not true?

This is about you now. There are resources, somewhere and somehow, available to you. Maybe a local hospital has counseling or group support. Craigslist, yellow pages, local online resources- Wherever you can find it. Or start with the local library. Make some little, consistent moves, and keep following through. The magnitude of it all is very overwhelming right now. Take little steps- one foot forward. Then another foot in front of that one.

I've known nights when I prayed not to wake up in the morning. When I shuddered reaching for the door knob to go out in the morning; knowing that the effort just to get to this point was more effort than most people put into their entire day.

It may never stop hurting. But there will be days when you're glad you woke up; where beauty and gratitude will shine into and out of your heart.

I was in line at the grocery store tonight. There was a mirrored wall on the checkout stand. A little toddler girl was taking the most outrageous screaming delight in watching herself eating a strawberry in that mirror. She kept stepping away and then running back to the mirror and making the most primal expressions of exuberance in her own reflection. I told her mom, "I wish I was that happy at what I see when I look in the mirror." And that joyful miracle of a little girl has uplifted my whole night tonight.

Blessings like this exist in your world, too. Watch for them. They will be presented to you.

Remember, men cheat on supermodels too.

The drive to cheat has nothing to do with attractiveness. Or "treating him well enough". It is a flaw that is entirely within him.

If he drank, that wouldn't be your fault. If he gambled, that wouldn't be your fault. If he drove too fast, that wouldn't be your fault. And when he cheated, that wasn't your fault.

this guy sounds like an extreme narcissist you need to stay away from - I know it's hard for you to hear but you deserve better - you WILL move on - talk to us, talk to a professional, Google suicide hotlines if you need to but realize that time DOES heal these kind of wounds

You're doing the correct thing by starting to reach out for help and talking about it, even if it's only posting here at the moment. People here are warm, understanding, and helpful. And many of them have been pretty battered by life. You're among friends here.

It was a long healing process for me/ after many years, I finally got closure and forgave

There's only one you. In all of the universe, in all time, forever, one you.

You're too important to let anyone be so influential as to make you consider ending it all.

No one is worth it, and that you feel this way is strong evidence that this was not a good partner for you.

Take care, be well, and love life, and never hesitate contacting me or California Peggy if you need help.