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Mon Jun 11, 2012, 12:16 AM

I'm going to get a divorce.

32 years together, married 19. My Stanford MBA Husband is a narcissist. He does not feel shame about that. He does not feel the need to see a psychologist. When I exposed him for what he is he curled up with (similar) friends for about 16 months of vacations and hikes and came out saying that all was well with the world... his world.

I feel sick, used and disgusted by him. He is on the phone upstairs laughing w/ one of his friends. he thinks we should just get a mediator....

I told him 2 years ago that I would have to leave after the kids graduated HS. He announced last week that we should do it 2 years earlier.... He is not attached to our son, spent 2-3 psychotic months telling me I must have cheated on him and that he wasn't his. We're talking screaming and shoving me against the wall... He is not attached but tries faking it sometimes.

I always knew he had problems - his dad has been married at least 6 times (we know of) and has 2+ illegitimate children.

I need to vent some of this shit.

Perhaps a mod could delete this if need be(?).

I'm open to IMs



PS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PUKING SMILIE?

12 replies, 2523 views

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Arrow 12 replies Author Time Post
Reply I'm going to get a divorce. (Original post)
alittlelark Jun 2012 OP
CaliforniaPeggy Jun 2012 #1
alittlelark Jun 2012 #2
NYC_SKP Jun 2012 #3
alittlelark Jun 2012 #4
elleng Jun 2012 #5
laundry_queen Jun 2012 #6
SheilaT Jun 2012 #7
alittlelark Jun 2012 #8
SheilaT Jun 2012 #10
salparadise1000 Jun 2012 #9
a kennedy May 2013 #11
Callalily Jul 2013 #12

Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 12:21 AM

1. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this mess, my dear alittlelark...

I hope you will find a better path.

Here's the smilie:

To find it, click on the dots at the end of the first batch. There's a second group that's hidden till you click on the ...

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #1)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 12:26 AM

2. Thank You.... You are such a positive force on this board.

I know I will find a better path - the the road to it is sure to be fraught with thorns and poisonous spikes.

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Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 12:29 AM

3. I am sorry to hear this...

But I hope that it becomes a change for the better for you.

Also if you type the word "puke" between two colons you'll get the puke smiley:

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Response to NYC_SKP (Reply #3)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 12:35 AM

4. Thank You. You were really nice to me during the 'Gary Johnson'

nomination as well.

I know it will be a change for the better.
Of that I have no doubt.

The problem is that I am conflict avoidant when emotions are involved.
I see a disturbing road ahead of me.

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Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 01:39 AM

5. No need to delete, especially here!



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Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Mon Jun 11, 2012, 09:09 PM

6. Vent away

I'm not going to lie - the first few months to a year is not easy. I'm 2 years out and still have problems dealing at times. You will need a lot of venting and a lot of support. Surround yourself with (trustworthy and empathetic) friends and family. See if there are any divorce support groups in your area - our local one was a huge help to me. There will be a point where friends and family get sick of hearing it (well, mine did anyway, but they aren't super supportive people) and it was nice to be able to vent to a group of people who TOTALLY understood.

I have an inkling of what you are going through. My ex is a narcissist as well (actually, he has a lot of AsPD traits as well) and I was shocked that after 15 years together he walked away like it was nothing. Kept having his fun, while my world (and the kids' world) was falling apart. I felt used too. I felt like half my life was wasted. It was definitely eye opening that another human being could have that much callous disregard for someone who had shared his life (and sacrificed for him) for that many years. When I begged him to try to work on it, he told me *I* was being unfair to *HIM*. <----there's the rolling eyes smilie - you will need that one a lot too. Found out later he'd been having an affair for years, since our youngest was a newborn. Nice. Also found out pretty darn near everything I thought to be true wasn't. Even things he didn't need to lie about - he did. Be prepared for all kinds of shocking revelations.

Post as much as you need to, there are plenty of people who understand. Hugs to you.

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Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Sun Jun 17, 2012, 11:15 PM

7. Well, good for you.

Try very hard not to waste too much energy regretting the rather long time you were together. I am NOT going to suggest you focus on whatever was good during that time, because at this point you probably can't recall much that was good.

After twenty-five years of marriage my husband met another woman and decided he'd rather be with her than with me. I also felt very betrayed, but at least our two sons were essentially grown, and I did not have to be a single mom like so many others. He and his new wife actually have a good relationship with our oldest, for which I'm grateful. That actually allowed me to move 800 miles away and start my new life. It's my personal opinion that if it's at all possible to relocate, it should be done.

Younger son has essentially no relationship with his father, which is too bad, but I'm not going to push that. This son moved himself even farther away from home, and I honestly think that my move allowed him the freedom to go. Had I stayed in Kansas, son 2 would have thought I needed him to stick around. All three of us are doing quite well, and I simply don't care how my ex is doing.

It's been six years since the marriage ended, four since the actual divorce. I got through the first couple of years with the help of a lot of wine. It worked for me. I now tell people that in my most optimistic fantasies that my marriage had not ended, I don't think I would ever have persuaded him to leave Kansas. I moved to Santa Fe and I just love it here. It's been good to me.

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Response to SheilaT (Reply #7)

Mon Jun 18, 2012, 12:19 AM

8. I have a place in Jemez Springs...

...I would be there now if it were not for the SHITSTORM that is currently keeping me sucked in Ca.

We should try to get together sometime.

Gina

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Response to alittlelark (Reply #8)

Wed Jun 20, 2012, 05:05 PM

10. Send me a PM some time when it works for you.

It's always nice to meet other DU folk in person.

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Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Wed Jun 20, 2012, 01:57 PM

9. I am in a similar situation, except

my kids are younger than yours. My daughter is only 4 and my son is 11. Right now we have basically acknowledged that we will divorce. Things are not outwardly hostile to the point that I think it is negatively affecting the kids. Besides them the main thing that is keeping us together is finances. I had thought we had been working towards improving the situation, although I now realizing that she made up her mind months ago and only recently admitted that there was no hope. The news was actually kind of liberating. I now merely try to be a good roommate and to put on a facade for the kids. Besides that I have felt freer to stand up too her, where as before I took her verbal abuse in an effort to make her happy.

I totally admit that I have plenty of faults and share a lot of the blame for our current situation. However she I feel that she gave up and wasn't willing to go for outside help, whereas I was working to bring more to the relationship.

Part of me wonders if by standing up for myself and showing that I too am ready for a divorce will actually help our situation. I guess this means that I haven't totally given up hope.





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Response to alittlelark (Original post)


Response to alittlelark (Original post)

Thu Jul 4, 2013, 10:42 AM

12. I truly am sorry to hear about

the breakup!

And although life may seem in turmoil right now, (yes, I've been there too) your situation WILL get better-will improve, and although you may not think it yet at this point, YES, happiness is on the horizon!

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