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Thu Jul 19, 2012, 10:46 PM

They're all gone now...

My sister died last week. We weren't really that close, but we got on well. We both helped our senile father die at home 16 years ago. I don't know if I should be grateful to her for that, as the experience left me an angry alcoholic, but everyone said we were saints at the time.

My eldest sister died first, hit by a car operated by an inexperienced teenager. Poor bastard... I bet he thinks about that every day... I know I would...

My mother never got over the grief and died only a few months later. My Father was senile and died of cancer, a sad, lonely man. My second sister died of complications from diabetes last week.

It's just me left now. I'm looking at a picture of the 5 of us, all smiling and laughing at a birthday party. I think we were a nice, rather good-looking family, really.

What's it all about then? I don't believe in any religion, and I'm damned if I can figure it out.

Shit...

16 replies, 2285 views

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Arrow 16 replies Author Time Post
Reply They're all gone now... (Original post)
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 OP
uppityperson Jul 2012 #1
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #3
kickysnana Jul 2012 #2
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #4
auntAgonist Jul 2012 #5
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #7
orleans Jul 2012 #6
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #8
tjatheo Jul 2012 #9
DesertFlower Jul 2012 #10
auntAgonist Jul 2012 #11
DesertFlower Jul 2012 #14
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #12
DesertFlower Jul 2012 #13
GreenPartyVoter Jul 2012 #15
Ron Obvious Jul 2012 #16

Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Thu Jul 19, 2012, 10:50 PM

1. I don't know what to say but I am sorry. Sounds rough for you.

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Response to uppityperson (Reply #1)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 12:26 AM

3. Thank you.

All kind words matter.

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Thu Jul 19, 2012, 11:55 PM

2. Your life has touched and changed every person who you came in contact with,

including me, and in turn changed how they were toward others.

Perhaps you only held a door for a frazzled Mom, or dropped a dollar on a panhandler that didn't look "professional". Perhaps you stopped across two lanes to let someone's pet cross the street safely. Perhaps you wrote a letter to someone at just the right time or gave a family member what they needed and that was passed on. Perhaps you yelled when you saw an injustice, or walked a picket line, or sent in an op-ed letter that was published. Perhaps you wore something unexpected and made someone smile.

We all fit into it somehow and energy is never destroyed just transformed. I don't have any hard expectations other than life is a circle and we are part of that circle, forever.

Take care of yourself. Loss of family is a physical and spiritual blow to anyone who loves but it does slowly become bittersweet memory and makes room for the good, and the not so good, in life you have yet to live.

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Response to kickysnana (Reply #2)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 12:57 AM

4. You write beautifully...

Thank you. You write beautifully. If I may be brutally honest: when I die, there will be fewer people than I can count on the fingers of one hand who will be devastated. A dozen more will be saddened. I don't think anybody will rejoice. That's it. That's the ripple I will leave behind. It used to be more than enough for me.

If there were to be a great Judge at the gates of Heaven, He'd have a hard time deciding which place I should go to. All the more so 'cause I probably couldn't care less.

I have done no great evil, but neither have I done great good. I have hurt people, I broke my first girlfriend's heart by cheating on her when we were 17. Her tears haunt me to this day. I ignored my parents' wishes and moved away 8000 miles from them to make a successful go of it here in the US. I've made cruel remarks about people to make others laugh and to be thought a wit. That's the worst you can say about me.

But I have also done the little things you mentioned. I have made people laugh. Yesterday, while stuck at the DMV for 2 hours, I got talking to a kid from Honduras and advised him on his choice of major to go for. His mother and I, having no language in common, shared a laugh when he mimicked the examiner.

Perhaps it's a little bit of a legacy after all. It should be enough for me.

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 01:38 AM

5. Ron Obvious, I hope in some way you find peace and love in the photograph you're looking at.

I'm sure it must be really hard for you.

Please feel free to vent here anytime, you are welcome and among folks who have grieved and will help you along this journey.

aA
kesha

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Response to auntAgonist (Reply #5)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 04:06 PM

7. Thank you...

Thank you, AuntAgonist. I do feel welcomed here, and it helps.

From your screenname, I'm betting that people unburden themselves to you all the time.

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 03:49 AM

6. ron, i'm so sorry for what you're going through

when i look at pictures of when i was younger, and my little family--my parents and my grandmother, there is a part of me that wishes--with all my heart--i could go back and have it all again; i would gladly go through it all--even the bad times--just to have that security, and joy that was such a part of my life. i miss it so.

my grandma died when i was a teenager, my dad over twenty years ago, but my mom--who stuck with me through it all--she died nearly three years ago and i still cry for missing her. and the heartache has often made me wonder "what's it all about then?" as well.

i suspect there is a reason for it though (my mom always said "there's a reason for everything"). and i think the reason is love. it's the most important thing, it's what we remember, and what we take with us when we go.

i hope you have someone around you that you can talk to about how you feel, about your sister, and the rest of your family (older children? nieces? nephews? etc.). my daughter was twenty-one when my mom passed and she was a tremendous emotional support for me, as was a friend of mine--as they still are.

what the other poster, kickysnana, was saying rings true to me as well. i think we make a difference in all the lives we cross paths with--which effects the lives they cross paths with. and we make that difference in ways we don't even realize--just as the people who have touched our lives might not have realized the impact they were making on us. it's pretty amazing how interconnected we all are.

i know someone who recently passed on who, as she was dying, told her family that she was seeing her sister who had died in childhood. she was also seeing several figures that were all in white that she didn't recognize. i don't think we ever permanently lose those we love--it's only a temporary good-bye, but that can be the most difficult thing we ever experience.

just go slow--take it easy.

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Response to orleans (Reply #6)

Fri Jul 20, 2012, 11:43 PM

8. Thank you, Orleans...

Thank you Orleans, for your kind words. I think you already know this, but we are blessed, lucky people to have had the people in the photos in our lives in the first place. We mourn their loss and in doing so, we celebrate their existence and how much they meant to us. They enriched our lives, and we are better people because of them.

Dammit, I mean this so sincerely, and yet, reading this back, I feel like I'm reading a fortune cookie or spouting simple-minded aphorisms. It's hard in our culture to speak straight from the heart and not sound half-witted or clichéd. Perhaps that's an indictment of what we value collectively as a society.

I do have nephews, nieces and grand-nieces. I will be telling them about their forefathers and fore-mothers, and I shall now be the designated keeper of the tales in our family. My grandfathers served in the trenches of WW1, my father in WW2, and my mother lost brothers and sisters to diseases that don't really exist anymore today because of vaccines.

It may be "history" to those kids, but they need to know that they wouldn't even be here today if it hadn't been for their forebears, and only I knew them as people now.

I wish I could believe as you do, that there's more to life than this, and that there's a chance we'll all meet again. I do wish that.

I just don't....

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Wed Jul 25, 2012, 12:44 AM

9. Spam deleted by tkmorris (MIR Team)

 

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Thu Jul 26, 2012, 02:48 AM

10. sorry for your losses.

my husband passed away 5/27/12. i'm still in shock. he came home from work on 2/28/12 and had a seizure. it was a brain tumor.

my mom passed in december '08. my son comitted suicide 4/07. my best friend passed on 9/12/11 from a heart attack. he was 42.

i have 2 sisters, but we're not as close as i'd like us to be. they live in different states.

i feel so alone. all i have is my beloved cat. he's 11-1/2.

i'm not religious either.

i've bonded with my step daughter but i'm in phoenix and she's in atlanta.

i do have a few friends in new york.

my husband was my best friend. he was my soul mate. we were together almost 42 years.

when my time is up i doubt many people will miss me.





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Response to DesertFlower (Reply #10)

Thu Jul 26, 2012, 11:10 AM

11. DesertFlower I'm so sorry for all of the losses you have experienced.

It almost seems like too much at times, I'm sure.

I often feel that I wouldn't be missed by very many either and that's so sad for both of us.



I'm glad you have found this group and although we're 'online' only may you find some comfort here.

aA
kesha

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Response to auntAgonist (Reply #11)

Fri Jul 27, 2012, 04:07 PM

14. i'm glad i found you.

i do find comfort here.

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Response to DesertFlower (Reply #10)

Fri Jul 27, 2012, 01:52 AM

12. So sorry...

Oh, Desert Flower, I'm so sorry. My wife's my best friend too, so I empathise with you..

I'm generally a very upbeat, positive person who's frankly been ridiculously blessed by fate, but I've been so angry lately... I don't recognise myself anymore at times.

I share some of your thoughts. My sister's funeral was attended by a lot of people, as she had so many friends. While smiling at everyone there, suddenly, a very unwelcome thought struck me: "How many people do you think will attend your funeral?" Virtually nobody, I realised, and was more saddened than I thought I'd be.

I read a quote once that resonated with me, although I can't remember who said it: "If permitted to look into the book of his life. even the happiest, most well-adjusted child would just curl up and die".

Too negative for me, but I understand it now.

Take good care of yourself. There's so much beauty and love out there, but I'm afraid you can only find it yourself...

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Response to Ron Obvious (Reply #12)

Fri Jul 27, 2012, 04:05 PM

13. thank you for your kind words.

make sure you take care of yourself.

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Response to Ron Obvious (Original post)

Fri Jul 27, 2012, 11:58 PM

15. I'm so very sorry. *hugs*

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Response to GreenPartyVoter (Reply #15)

Sat Jul 28, 2012, 09:47 PM

16. Thanks

*hugs* back.

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