What concessions if any do you make to religious family and friends?

[Locut0s]

I've said before that I was raised an atheist and that's true. However my mother is a Buddhist. She never spoke to me about her religion growing up and I was never led to believe I should believe what she did. She was Buddhist for her own reasons. We would occasionally go to the temple to give offerings and light incense but it was always something very much in the background. In more recent years however she has asked me to light incense every night at her alter in the house. She views it as something important for her, that it offers me protection or something like that. I asked her if she minded that I did it even though I didn't believe in it one bit, and she said that that had nothing to do with it, she was perfectly fine with that. So I do this every day.

What concessions do you make to family and friends who are religious. I know that many are "dragged" to church by their loved ones in the hopes that they will see something in it. Or perhaps you agree to go regularly?

[Ron Obvious]

1. I keep my mouth shut at my in-laws

I'm silent when my in-laws say grace over dinner. I don't bow my head. I don't close my eyes. That's it. No more, no less.
I only go to church for funerals and weddings, and I don't ever talk about religion.

They all think I'm the devil anyway because of my atheism. Many of my wife's aunts and uncles won't even talk to me directly ("Ask him if he wants a cup of tea&quot , and they behave around me as though I were a barely-contained, dangerous animal.

It's odd. Nearly 30 years of stable, uneventful marriage, and yet they still seem to think I'm about to be exposed as a serial-killer paedophile church-burner at any moment.

It rather amuses me now.

[Locut0s]

2. Yeah I wouldn't make any concessions in that case either...

Funny how being nice and accepting of other people can go such a long way, right? I'm sure you would have no problem pretending to say grace etc, if they weren't assholes.

[Ron Obvious]

3. I don't think I'd ever pretend to say grace...

But I'm perfectly happy to maintain a respectful silence at any religious ritual, especially in their homes. I even held hands in a prayer circle once, though I wonder if I shouldn't have excused myself from that one.

Tolerance appears to be one-way street to the fundamentalists, though. And they just can't see it.

[Piasladic]

9. atheists and marriage

I remember when I married my husband in a courthouse in Florida almost 20 years ago. I was wearing my obnoxious Friendly, Neighborhood Atheist t-shirt.They were all placing bets on when when come back for a divorce. When we came back for an update on our passports 10 years ago, we laughed and winked at them. Small town. Still married, still obnoxious.

[mr blur]

4. I guess I'm lucky -

I don't have any religious family and friends.

[Auggie]

5. Religious events are few and far between for me

But like others here, I just clam-up. I'll wear a yamulke though it's killing me. My first wife's family was Lutheran. My second wife's family is Jewish. So I've been to several seders too.

As hideous as I find the rituals, they do satisfy a sociological curiosity. Preachers/ministers are outstanding snake charmers that could sell you the Brooklyn Bridge along with your salvation. You can understand why people are so easily taken in. And it sure is easier than getting off your ass and creating your own life.

[JNelson6563]

6. Last night I went to the company holiday dinner.

The manager started the program and asked one of our co-workers to give "the blessing". Many have worked hear for a very long time and it seemed like it was established that this guy does this. So ok, I'm quiet and stuff, being respectful and wondering what we're going to hear from him.

He is one of the most joyless souls I've ever seen. Always a scowl on his face, seems rather full of himself too, you know as in self-righteous.

So here come the blessing, father-god this, father-god that. I was like, wow, so a zealot with daddy issues, I get it.

I dare not say a word. Last job I made my views known I got worked like a dog, used up and then told "You're just not a good fit" after a year. I have no doubt the right-wing fundy that was my immediate boss just couldn't take being exposed to someone with such scary views anymore.

Now I shut the hell up and let 'em spew their "blessings". Ugh.

Julie

[NastyRiffraff]

7. Interesting question

I have friends who are VERY religious. I've learned not to talk religion with them as they get extremely upset at my atheism. Some even get angry. I have lost a friend at least partially over this (actually good riddance to that one).

If a "blessing" before meals is said, I keep quiet...that's it. No head bowing, no amen. I believe in being polite and respectful; I don't want to emulate some religious people and be obnoxious. They have a right to their beliefs and I have a right to non-belief.

However, being respectful does not mean I have to agree with them! This is where a lot of fundies/right wingers get confused.

[TxDemChem]

8. I'm glad you asked this question.

I have enjoyed reading through the previous replies.

I tend to make concessions only in the case of dire situations. A dear family friend was hospitalized a couple weeks ago and even though she knows I'm an atheist, she asked me to pray for her. I told her if there was anyone I'd pray for, it would be her.

She's much better now, but I haven't spoken to her yet. If she asks if I prayed, I'll tell her no and that if her idea of a god exists, then he should know that I hoped her well and a speedy recovery. If she pushes further, I'll remind her that if he knows everything, he would know what I want without me having to perform some silly ritual. And further, my prayers wouldn't change his mind, as he already knows what will happen and therefore asking him for something that is different from what he wants to happen and will allow to happen is useless.

But I'd still end it with relief that she is better.

I think we all have to find our own boundaries for so many different situations, it would be hard to know just what to do for every occasion. But a wonderful question to ask and food for thought.

[Arugula Latte]

15. If she believes in an omnipotent deity you'd think she'd realize that that her a-hole of a god

either caused or failed to prevent her illness in the first place. Why should you have to petition a benevolent, all-powerful god to intervene?

But, you know, it's not like logic ever plays a part in any of this nonsense ...

[dimbear]

10. Christmas cards.

That's it.

[Goblinmonger]

11. Nothing. I eat their babies before they have a chance to be baptized.

Actually, I'm very silent about my atheism around my family. Would be ostracized.

[Curmudgeoness]

12. Since none of this matters to me,

I can go through whatever rituals that are required if I find myself in a situation that calls for it. If there is a blessing, I just let them do it and I am quiet---although I have no close friends or family who do this. If they ask people to stand for a prayer, I stand there. If I were to be asked to give a blessing, I would decline.

I do not go to a church unless it is a wedding or funeral that I cannot avoid. I stand or sit as required. I will not kneel.

I have never had anyone ask me to pray for them, so I am not sure what I would say to them. I would not pray.

I will try to comfort friends who are religious and who are going through hard times or a great loss by telling them that I am sure they will find strength in their belief. Just because I think it is hooky does not mean that I would denigrate their beliefs, and I suppose that the will feel as if they got help from belief. But I also go a step further and actually do things to help them through it.

I have actually participated in some religious rituals that I find harmless, like letting a friend put handmade crosses of palms over the doors to my house to protect me. I did this because it seemed so important to her. It meant nothing to me.

It does not hurt me to be respectful of others who believe differently than I do, as long as it doesn't go too far.

[onager]

13. Forget it, Jake. It's Jesustown.

Just returned from spending the holidays in the Deep South with family - all of whom are religious. Mostly just kept my mouth shut and grumbled to myself.

I did get in a few snarks at televangelists, since the recent death of Paul Crouch came up. But even the deeply devout back there don't have much use for televangelists, either.

Also had this interesting exchange with my elderly mother. We were taking down all her Xmas decorations immediately after the Big Day. Mom is a Xmas fanatic of Clark Griswoldian proportions, but once Dec. 25 is over, she wants that stuff GONE.

So she asks what's in a box I'm holding. I answer: "A small nativity scene, missing some stuff. Looks like Jesus got kidnapped."

Out of nowhere she asks: "You don't believe any of the Xmas story, do you?"

"Uhhh...I'll just say I have some serious doubts about the whole thing."

And she said: "I think all of us do."

Doubts? About Baby Jesus? Really? That was amazing. Maybe I'll send her a Hitchens book...

[Locut0s]

14. Whoa pulling out the big guns with Hitchens there ;)...

I love Hitchens, RIP (in a non religious sense ), but he could induce medical shock in someone just starting to question.

[Deep13]

16. I don't assume they are stupid.

I don't debunk their basic beliefs unless invited to do so. That's for friends. Family know better than to bring it up.

[Bradical79]

17. I keep try to keep my mouth shut on certain topics.

Other than that, there's no real concessions on my part. Not having my own place, I'm not super open about things, but my family is not too over the top religious. My parents have somewhat conflicting religious beliefs.

[BooBrown]

18. Depends on who the wingnut is

If it were MY mother (or father), I'd go ahead and do it. If it were anybody else, no. Your mom is tolerant of your beliefs. It's good that you are tolerant of hers.

[JoeyT]

19. When I was a teenager quite a few.

Now? None, other than If left alone, I won't bring it up. Should they get all preachy at me I'll give it right back. I learned long ago that concessions only encourage them to get more and more aggressive.

It's pretty much a "Don't start no shit, won't be no shit." policy, but it appears to work.

[AtheistCrusader]

20. Nobody is dragging me anywhere.

That's a bright red line.

As for what concessions I make, I offer respectful silence when religious mumbo-jumbo comes up. That's it.

[cynatnite]

21. I will bow my head at family prayers and such...

I have no issues regarding their belief as long as they're not trying to push it on me. They know not to go down that road with me. I shot them down so badly that they know how I'll react.

We just keep quiet and it's best that way.

Oh, and there is no dragging me anywhere. I will attend for a wedding or funeral type of event, but that's it.

[awoke_in_2003]

22. They all know I am an atheist...

so I don't hear much. I have a few cousins who are born again, but I never see them face to face.

[Iggo]

23. Depends on venue.

Home? Check your fantasies at the door.

Away? I bite my lip.

[Evoman]

24. I have a lot of great religious friends and family but..

I never "concede", if it means involving myself in religious ceremonies or being anyone besides my bad atheist self. I don't hide who I am or my views. All of my friends and family know exactly who I am. If people don't like it, they can go fuck themselves.

I don't pray, i don't bow my head nor knees for others, and if people start an argument with me, I'll finish it. Has it caused me problems or lost me friends? Yeah. But so what? Life isn't fun without a little conflict.

Right now, I'm dying of cancer so i hear a lot of bullshit. If anything, to the surprise of my loved ones, my cancer has cemented my atheism. There will be no deathbed conversion. Its caused some of my religious friends (especially in-laws) some heart ache. But for me, nothing is more important than being true to myself.

If i gotta go, it's going to be as a complete person. No lies, no bullshit.

[Locut0s]

25. Damn sorry to hear about the cancer Evoman!...

But I fully agree people expect terminal illness to change the minds of atheists. It's really quite an insult. As if something this important in your life, something that informs your world view to such an extent would suddenly be thrown away on learning of a terminal diagnosis, just so we can "run to the comfort of your religion". The concept is insulting and belittling. People said the same of Christopher Hitchens of all people when he was dying of cancer, quite maddening to hear.

My condolences on your diagnosis though.

[wyldwolf]

26. Church twice a year - Easter and Xmas eve

Even then, I'm usually the only one who doesn't participate in communion.

I also don't out and out say God isn't real (or may not be real) to my daughter. But I DO say supernatural things aren't real and that what they teach in Church are myths. She's smart and almost has it figured out.

[pink-o]

27. A few years ago, my good friend's son married a great girl.

I've known the groom since he was 7, so I went to the wedding shower, all the pre wedding parties and met his in laws and extended family. Really wonderful people who welcomed me with hugs, good food, excellent conversation and seamlessly absorbed me into their dynamic. One of the friends is an ex 49-er football player who now does charity work and is as warm as a roaring fire on a cold day. His wife is an advocate for women's athletics, and since I'm a lover of sports and exercise we got along from the start.

The problem? They're all passionate Christians.

There's framed bible quotes all over the house, crosses in the bathroom, prayers at every meal, Jesus mentioned in every conversation regardless of the subject. Because it was a wedding and not about me, I kept my atheist mouth shut, but when these folks let it be known they wanted to pursue a future friendship with me, I became vague and let it all slide.

It really upset me to know if I revealed my true ideas they would either reject me or try to convert me. Religion divides, it causes wars and breaks up families and friends. We atheists are always the ones making concessions; no Xian would reach out to us unless we come to them on their terms. So sad to let go of promising friendships just because religion won't allow people to see beyond its own mythology.

[Heddi]

28. I agree to do innocuous things

When we eat at someone else's house and they say grace, I will hold hands and bow my head. I dont' close my eyes and I don't say amen and when I was asked to say Grace I gave a very generic "we thank the animals who gave their lives for the meat, and I thank the farmers and the farm workers who toiled the earth for the vegetables, and thanks to the person who made the food..." without any invocation to god or other high powers.

However my house is my rules. There is no prayer before meals. Or they can say it themselves. I will not offer it, I will not lead it, and I will not fret if it's not said before eating.

I do not go to church when visiting the homes of others. You go, I'l sleep in.

I only attend religious services in the event of wedding or death. The last time I was in a church was in 2001 when my husband's grandmother died.

I tolerate their bullshit religious postings on my facebook wall....for a time. Then I ask them to please stop.

I remind them that when I post things to my facebok wall that are critical of religion, that I am free to do so. They are free to hide my wall or remove me as a friend.

I will delete the first 3 religious/republican/racist/hate emails. After that, if they keep sending them I will send a very strongly worded letter that I do not share their religious/political/racist/homophobic beliefs and to please stop sending emails like this, as I find them hostile and threatning.

In the event that they continue to send emails (which has happened with my husband's mom's husband), I happily sign them up for all the liberal and democratic and pro-LGBT email newsletters I can find.