The Atheist Conundrum (Part 1)

[mr blur]

For a long time many Progressive posters have begged me to tell them what it's All About. Here is the first of my posts offering the definitive answer to this.

This will be a series of lectures in which I will solve the puzzles which have baffled the minds of the Great Thinkers ever since Saint Oprah de Winfrey first drew the attention of the Western World to the writings of Credulus Maximus (notably "The Secret&quot .

You all know - because I've said it before - that you don't need religion to have morals. If you can't determine right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.

Having agreed with me on that, let's begin with The Big One:

Question: "Is There A God?"

Answer: "No".


This is all you need to know but if for some reason you should think you want to explore this fascinating subject further, you might look here: http://www.400monkeys.com/God/

Watch out for Part 2 of this essential series, in which I will repeat everything from Part 1 in case some of you didn't understand it. I will be adding paragraphs of barely-comprehensible verbiage including the names of writers that you may recognise, vaguely, but you don't have to read them because I have. I am confident that many of you will agree with me because, after all, it's easier than admitting that you have no idea what I'm talking about.

(Note: I will not lower myself to respond to posters who disagree with me, posters who fail to show me the respect that I think I deserve or posters who aren't willing to have a rational and honest discussion about which of my points are the most perceptive and insightful. Quite simply, people who do not have the same beliefs as me and are not willing to change their minds are all bigots. I prefer to just leave them alone to wallow in their fantasy worlds. Why should I waste my remarkable intellect on them?)

[uriel1972]

1. But isn't that your opinion? nt

[mr blur]

5. Perceptive post!

[uriel1972]

7. Heh, Thank you. nt

[BlueJazz]

2. Oh My...I can Hardly wait for part 2. I found part 1 exciting but was disappointed that you...

...left all of your devotees "hanging".

I would pray for a fast resolution to the story but then (as you stated), you would ignore me.

sigh...decisions, decisions...

[mr blur]

6. A remarkable answer!

[Fumesucker]

3. Beat you to the title

http://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1218&pid=64848

[mr blur]

8. A typical "gotcha" remark

[Fumesucker]

10. I can see how you could take it that way

I was in a hurry to go out the door and posted quickly based on near identical titles not terribly far apart in date and in groups that have a history with each other. I did not mean to be offensive.

As far as the contents of your OP, I'm agnostic, it's impossible to know for absolute sure.

[mr blur]

17. We can work together on this one. You make a valid point.

Last edited Tue Feb 19, 2013, 06:32 PM - Edit history (1)

How can we know that which we don't know if we don't know what it is that we don't know, you know?

[skepticscott]

4. I'm guessing you're counting on

book sales to help this really take off...maybe you'll even get on Oprah

[mr blur]

9. Astonishingly-erudite statement!

[Curmudgeoness]

11. OK, since I don't want you to piss all over me,

I will compliment that line about how we all KNOW that you don't need religion to have morals---because you have said it before. That is an incredible argument.

Of course, I wouldn't waste much time on that either. You either get it or you don't.

Oh, and those people who don't have the same beliefs as you, they are idiots as well as bigots. Don't hold back.

[mr blur]

18. I congratulate you on agreeing with me.

[Curmudgeoness]

24. It wasn't easy. nt

[mr blur]

27. It never is. Please see reply #26

Or am I missing the joke? I don't know any more

[cleanhippie]

12. But, but, but....MILITANT ATHEISTS!!!!! STALIN, MAO..... Objectivism, Scientism....

Thank Zeus we no longer have to hear THAT bullshit anymore!

[mr blur]

19. We are as of one mind on this point. Well done!

[Demo_Chris]

13. Funny. But if you are attempting to mock atheists by suggesting...

If you are attempting to mock atheists by suggesting that we are incapable of rational debate, then I'm your huckleberry.

[trotsky]

14. He's actually mocking a certain Christian preacher in another group.

And doing a smashing job of it, too.

[Demo_Chris]

16. Gotcha :) n/t

[Iggo]

15. You had me at "No"

[mr blur]

22. You have come a long way, Grasshopper. Keep it up!

[cleanhippie]

20. Please post this, and parts 2 & 3 in Religion.

[mr blur]

21. I congratulate you on your insightful comment! However, please remember -

Since a "Soul" is a very real thing (a “thetan”. From the original thetanicus - 'theta' meaning 'bovine' and 'nicus' meaning 'bodily waste') experts like me agree that, 75 million years ago, when Teegeeack was but a very young planet, while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds, Lord Xenu (the Head of the Galactic Federation) had special traps that caught the souls in sticky electronic beams.

After he had captured all these souls, he had them packed into boxes and taken to huge cinemas. There the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them lies about what life should be like, and these films confused them and tricked them into believing things that were not true. They were shown “false” pictures and were told “false” things, including stories about Christianity, Judaism, Islam and other religions. In this story, this process is called “implanting.”

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema, they began to stick together in groups. They had all seen the same film and thought they were the same “person.” They clustered in numbers of a few thousand. There were only a few living bodies left, so they stayed in clusters and inhabited these bodies — our ancestors.

And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls, called “body thetans.” If each of us is to be a free soul, then we must remove all our body thetans and pay enormous sums of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God, Christ, Muhammad, Big Yak or Satan is because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.

It's really quite simple and obvious - only a bigot would fail to see and recognise the "truth" in such a reasonable explanation.

("What Is Truth?" asked the great American country music artist Johnny Cash in his 1970 hit single. Ah, but that is a subject for another day. And indeed, for another gripping series of lectures.)

[Curmudgeoness]

23. Sticky electronic beams?

Is that sort of like fly paper, only more science-fiction-y?

At least you have a very (um) interesting sense of humor, and you can really spin a tale. You should organize a church or something.

[Tor_Hershman]

25. I hate to argue, but...

I hate to disagree with you, Mr. Gruff, but THERE COULD BE a god, just not one that has any meaning in our universe soooooooooooooo, one could argue that a god without any meaning is just as worthless as none.
.
Oh, visit my YouTube Channel for the finest in godless & satanless comedy.

[mr blur]

26. We may be missing each other here - you arrived in the middle of a joke.

[onager]

29. Kicking! To thank you...

For reminding us once again that none of us would want to live in a world with religion.

I eagerly look forward to Parts 2 thru n of your series, and consider them the greatest boost to atheism since Richard Dawkins won the Crystal Cathedral on eBay and declared himself the First Atheist Pope.

(I read that on the Internet after Googling, ergo truth...as Thomas Aquinas would have certainly said, if he had had the Internet.)