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Mon Nov 12, 2012, 06:26 PM

Using s/o's religious beliefs to comfort them when they're grieving.

Obviously they don't want to hear our opinions regarding heaven, etc. but it seems to help to remind them of what they believe.

Bf's grandmother is dying and it's been a horrible 2 days.

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Reply Using s/o's religious beliefs to comfort them when they're grieving. (Original post)
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 OP
kdmorris Nov 2012 #1
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #2
kdmorris Nov 2012 #22
Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #3
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #5
Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #8
Jokerman Nov 2012 #4
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #6
Curmudgeoness Nov 2012 #10
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #12
MineralMan Nov 2012 #7
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #9
MineralMan Nov 2012 #11
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #13
Warren Stupidity Nov 2012 #14
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #15
Warren Stupidity Nov 2012 #16
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #17
trotsky Nov 2012 #18
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #19
Honest_Abe Nov 2012 #20
beam me up scottie Nov 2012 #21
Honest_Abe Nov 2012 #24
LineLineNew Reply .
progressoid Nov 2012 #23

Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 07:39 PM

1. I don't think that's a bad thing

Luckily, my husband is also an atheist, but anything you can do to ease a loved one's pain is a good thing, in my opinion.

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Response to kdmorris (Reply #1)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 07:45 PM

2. Had to stop and remind myself that none of this is about me.

His family is seriously fubar and none of them have noticed how much this is hurting him.

But I see his pain, I feel it, I get it.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #2)

Tue Nov 13, 2012, 08:02 AM

22. I am so sorry you and his family are going through this n/t

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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 07:50 PM

3. I do this all the time.

Most of the people that I know are believers, so they seem to find solace in god and heaven and seeing their loved ones again. I don't go gushy on it, but I do tell them to lean on god and find peace in it. When people believe, they can find that it helps to think that god is there supporting them.

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Response to Curmudgeoness (Reply #3)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:08 PM

5. Thanks, my distaste for religion has been a point of contention with his family.

He isn't religious at all but does believe in heaven -sort of.

Reminding him that his grandmother is in excruciating pain and she would soon be at peace wasn't enough, I just hope I'm helping him.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #5)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:25 PM

8. You said it well...it isn't about you.

And there are times that nothing can help. We have to go through the grief. Don't feel as if it is your job to make it easier for him. Just be there.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 07:55 PM

4. Sometimes giving comfort means telling them what they want to hear.

My mom was the only religious member of my family. She was raised a catholic but had to choose between her religion and divorcing an abusive husband. She never really gave up her faith but the experience soured her on organized religion and caused her to raise her children as non-religious, free-thinking people.

When the doctors told us that she was dying I asked for a priest to administer the last rights. It meant nothing to me or my sisters but I knew she would have wanted it that way.

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Response to Jokerman (Reply #4)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:11 PM

6. You did good.

Atheists deal with death differently, when my mom died people didn't know what to say to comfort me, they never realized that I didn't want or need that kind of comfort.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #6)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:30 PM

10. After my mom died, months later,

I ran into an acquaintance who has a mental deficiency and people do not look kindly on him. He said he was sorry to hear about my mom, and then asked me if I was ok. You know, not one person had asked me if I was doing ok, and that meant the world to me. No religion, no gush, just a simple question that showed that he realized there was pain involved.

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Response to Curmudgeoness (Reply #10)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:35 PM

12. Yeah.

I remember those people.

They see you, they don't avert their eyes or fumble around for the right thing to say.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:24 PM

7. Nothing good can come from telling a dying person his or her

religious beliefs are wrong. Why would anyone do that?

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #7)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:30 PM

9. Whoa, there!

Who said I was doing such a thing?

I am glad to say I don't know anyone who would.

Bf's grandmother is dying, not bf!

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #9)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:34 PM

11. Sorry. I wasn't saying that you were doing any such thing.

It was a general comment.

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Response to MineralMan (Reply #11)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 08:36 PM

13. Oh, ok.

Way to feed the lurkers, dude!


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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:18 PM

14. We were raised agnostic and we grieved my dad without religious mumblings.

I think that is when I transitioned from not thinking much about religion ( a none) to overt atheism, and in doing so gained a deeper appreciation for the conscious decisions my parents made in raising their children.

Grief is about coping with loss, and in my opinion religion denies the reality of loss. The religious don't accept that death is real, they invent stories for us to believe instead. Those stories obscure a more profound understanding of what it is to be human.

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Response to Warren Stupidity (Reply #14)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:25 PM

15. While that is true,

I do think that some people are so badly damaged that ripping that band aid off could kill them.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #15)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:28 PM

16. I'm not criticizing your situation.

I was just taking the opportunity to give a different perspective and to publicly thank my parents for what they did.

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Response to Warren Stupidity (Reply #16)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:36 PM

17. Got it!

My parents deserve credit too, critical thinking begins at home.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 09:42 PM

18. It's tough.

You don't want to lie or be insincere, but at the same time, they're going through a tough time.

I don't really have any specific advice, just reiterate that you are there for them.

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Response to trotsky (Reply #18)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:34 PM

19. Thanks, trotsky.

Seeing her suffer so much has done him in, but I gotta give him credit, he wants to be there for her and his mom.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Original post)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 10:46 PM

20. Lost my wife not long ago.

She wasn't a churchgoer, but near the end it was clear she wanted some comfort from religion. So I called in some pastors I knew and even participated in some prayer services. It gave her comfort, and I feel no sense of hypocrisy over it. I would have done pretty much anything to make her feel better.

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Response to Honest_Abe (Reply #20)

Mon Nov 12, 2012, 11:03 PM

21. I am so sorry.

Thank you for reaching out, you must miss her very much.

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Response to beam me up scottie (Reply #21)

Tue Nov 13, 2012, 06:01 PM

24. Thanks. I miss her terribly.

But I think in a real sense that I am better off grieving for the loss, rather than spending my days longing for the for the day when, as so many try to tell me, "You'll be together again."

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Response to Honest_Abe (Reply #20)

Tue Nov 13, 2012, 10:38 AM

23. .

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