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Tue Dec 6, 2011, 05:02 PM

Can you remember the first joke you ever heard?

Last edited Thu Dec 8, 2011, 04:13 PM - Edit history (1)

My older brother told me my first joke when I was four (yikes! Over fifty years ago!)

A prisoner tunnels his way out of jail and into a manhole. He climbs up the manhole, pops the lid, and jumps out into the street. He is so happy, he dances around shouting "I'm free! I'm free!" but a little boy standing on the corner watching says, "So what? I'm four!"

And then he told me this one:

A man jumps out of the window of a high building and crashes to the sidewalk below. A crowd gathers around and a cop pushes and shoves his way through the crowd.
"Alright, alright! What's going on here?"
The man looks up from the sidewalk and says, "I don't know, I just got here."

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Arrow 35 replies Author Time Post
Reply Can you remember the first joke you ever heard? (Original post)
rationalcalgarian Dec 2011 OP
Bossy Monkey Dec 2011 #1
valerief Dec 2011 #2
applegrove Dec 2011 #3
valerief Dec 2011 #5
Kurovski Mar 2013 #33
SCantiGOP Dec 2011 #10
valerief Dec 2011 #11
ProudProgressiveNow Oct 2012 #19
Kurovski Mar 2013 #34
slay Dec 2011 #4
valerief Dec 2011 #6
slay Dec 2011 #7
valerief Dec 2011 #8
slay Dec 2011 #9
hunter Feb 2013 #27
MrMickeysMom Dec 2011 #12
Sheepshank Dec 2011 #13
woodsprite Dec 2011 #14
benld74 Dec 2011 #17
wyldwolf Dec 2011 #15
customerserviceguy Dec 2011 #16
faeries Dec 2011 #18
UnHolyColonal Nov 2012 #20
MiddleFingerMom Dec 2012 #21
mysuzuki2 Dec 2012 #22
Kurovski Mar 2013 #35
DreamGypsy Dec 2012 #23
mykpart Dec 2012 #24
PoliticalPizza Jan 2013 #25
LaCh6 Feb 2013 #26
applegrove Mar 2013 #28
olddots Mar 2013 #29
dipsydoodle Mar 2013 #30
Iggo Mar 2013 #31
Kurovski Mar 2013 #32

Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Tue Dec 6, 2011, 09:31 PM

1. No, but I can remember that when I was 5,

I thought I had made up "Take my wife... please!" Apparently, when you're little, you have difficulty with the difference between the concepts of making up something vs. retrieving something from your memory. Or at least I did.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 01:03 AM

2. It's one of these two

Why didn't the man have any toes? Because the tow truck took them away.

OR

A woman got on a bus with her little dog named Itchy Bum. While the bus was moving, the dog jumped out the window. The woman yelled, "Oh, my Itchy Bum! Oh, my Itchy Bum!" The driver said to her, "Well, why don't you scratch it?"

Both tres lame. I like your first one.

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Response to valerief (Reply #2)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 02:52 AM

3. I heard a similar joke when I was a kid except there were two

dogs and they were named freeshow and seymour and the woman was naked for some reason.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #3)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 04:29 PM

5. Ha!

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Response to applegrove (Reply #3)

Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:21 AM

33. She was in the bathtub, and the dog jumped out the window, the woman ran out in a panic,

forgetting her pegnoir. (That's robe, for you plebians) She ran naked down the boulevard, shouting out her little poodles name "Freeshow! Get my Freeshow!! " ("Freeshow", as we youngsters knew, is French for "anything to imagine adults naked".)

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Response to valerief (Reply #2)

Thu Dec 8, 2011, 03:05 PM

10. remember a different version

a woman on a bus, trying to open a bottle of aspirin, had it pop out of her hand and fly out the window. She screams, "My aspirins! My aspirins!" Bus driver yells back, "Well, why don't you stick it out the window lady."

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Response to SCantiGOP (Reply #10)

Thu Dec 8, 2011, 07:54 PM

11. Ha! I had to read this a few times to figure out the different pronunciation of aspirin.

I say as.prin but this joke assumes I say as.burn.

Funny!

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Response to SCantiGOP (Reply #10)

Thu Oct 25, 2012, 02:43 PM

19. That was mine also!

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Response to valerief (Reply #2)

Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:23 AM

34. The toe joke made me laugh.

I'm easy. i laugh pretty much all day long.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 06:17 AM

4. I remember a few

 

Q: What's red and square?
A: A red square.

now to find out if the person is stupid...

Q: What's grey and triangle?
A: A grey triangle.


also

Q: Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: Grant.

and

Q: If a plane crashed on the border of North and South Carolina, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

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Response to slay (Reply #4)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 04:30 PM

6. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

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Response to valerief (Reply #6)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 06:41 PM

7. rofl

 

nice. and here i was gonna say poo.

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Response to slay (Reply #7)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 06:58 PM

8. Uh-oh, you can't say that here. You have to go to the scatological group for that.

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Response to valerief (Reply #8)

Wed Dec 7, 2011, 08:21 PM

9. Bwhahah!

 

nice burn! yeah all the locked threads and extreme enforcement of what can be posted where here on DU3 is a bit much.

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Response to slay (Reply #4)

Fri Feb 15, 2013, 11:01 AM

27. What's big and purple and eats rocks?

A big purple rock eater.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Dec 9, 2011, 12:36 AM

12. Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A cow fell into a mud puddle!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Dec 9, 2011, 11:58 AM

13. I even passed these on to my kids where they seemed old enough to figure it out.

What did the traffic light say to the car?
~Don't look, I'm changing

What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat?
~Some bum pushed him in

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Orange
~Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Boo
~Boo who?
Don't cry your momma loves you.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Dec 9, 2011, 01:44 PM

14. How do you get Kermit the Frog's full attention?

Hold one little green ball in one hand, and the other little green ball in your other hand.

That was courtesy of the Immediato Brothers stage show circa 1975, also known as "Three Little Bakers". Fun guys,
ran a family dinner theater here in Pike Creek.

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Response to woodsprite (Reply #14)

Mon Dec 26, 2011, 09:20 PM

17. The way I first heard the joke

What do you have when you hold one little green ball in one hand, and another green little ball in your other hand?


Kermit the Frog's FULL Attention!

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Dec 9, 2011, 07:08 PM

15. I remember the first DIRTY joke I ever heard...

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Sun Dec 11, 2011, 11:45 PM

16. My family wasn't that funny

but they did like Jackie Gleason, and I do remember this one from the very early 60's, when I was about five or six:

A little Irish man goes into a Catholic Church, and gets into a confessional. (Now, back in those days, there were three compartments, one for the priest in the middle, and one for each of two penitents on either side, there were sliding partitions where you couldn't hear more than mumbling from the other side.)

He's waiting a long, long time, and hearing no sounds, says, "Father, Father, are you there??" (Jackie used an Irish brogue for this.)

A voice comes back from the other side: "After he heard what I confessed, he ran to the police!"



I had just learned about what we called "The Sacrament of Confession" in Catholic school, and I knew the priest was supposed to take what he heard there to his grave, so that was pretty damned funny to me. Not sure how mother felt about it, but Dad laughed pretty hard!

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Tue Dec 27, 2011, 02:03 AM

18. No, I can't.

Too bad I can't remember the first joke I've heard. I don't know if it wasn't funny enough or I just have a poor memory.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)


Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Sat Dec 1, 2012, 02:48 AM

21. I can remember the first one I ever made up myself.

.
.
.
I was about 7 or so and MiddleFingerMomSis had brought her BF home from college
for Sunday dinner so that he could meet her (our) parents.
.
I don't know how many times I was told by how many people that I had BETTER be
on my best behavior.
.
They all knew much better than to do that. They really did.
.
.
Someone told a "polite" joke. Mildly funny. Chuckles all around.
.
.
It was my moment.
.
"What does Superman say when he flushes the toilet?"
.
My sister turned pale white.
.
"See ya later, Super-poop!!!"
.
My sister started crying for Mom to "do something about him!!!"
.
My Mom was banishing me upstairs to my room.
.
My little brother and Dad were staring at their plates, doing a
not-very-subtle job of desperately trying not to laugh.
.
I and my sister's BF were laughing our asses off... helpless in
the grip of that stupid stupid hilarious formal dinner poop joke.
.
.
Worth it. Worth every no-dessert-bedroom-banishment moment.
.
.
.
Like Steve Martin in "The Jerk"... I had found my special purpose.
.
.
.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Mon Dec 3, 2012, 10:29 AM

22. I don't remember how it goes but it was about a guy named Johnny Fuckerfaster.

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Response to mysuzuki2 (Reply #22)

Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:27 AM

35. Oh yes!

Johnny of the Connecticut Fuckerfasters.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Tue Dec 4, 2012, 11:48 PM

23. It's not the first joke I heard, but it's one I remember well.

Last edited Thu Dec 6, 2012, 12:34 AM - Edit history (1)

I was probably around 5 or 6, at a visit to the family doctor for some typical childhood problem, accompanied by my mother. Small town, the doctor was a family friend, had a daughter in the same class as my older brother, and my parents occasionally meet the doctor and his wife socially.

I don't remember the context, but near the end of the appointment, the doctor commented to my mother:

Do you know, Ellie, what are the the three stages of aging in men? First they forget names. Then they forget to zip up. Then they forget to zip down.


I don't think I fully understood the joke at the time, but as years have passed I have gained a more complete appreciation.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Dec 7, 2012, 08:22 PM

24. Don't know if this is politically correct any more, but

"Why did the little moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?"

"Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."

(Even at age 5, I thought this was a REALLY stupid joke.)

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Tue Jan 8, 2013, 04:58 AM

25. First jokes...

More like 1 liners...

She's so ugly, when she enters the room, the mice jump up on chairs.

She's so skinny, when you enter a restaurant with her, they ask if you want to check your umbrella.

She's so dumb, she brought lipstick to a make up test.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Fri Feb 15, 2013, 04:31 AM

26. oldest joke ever

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"We don't serve food here."
Ha!

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Wed Mar 6, 2013, 02:31 AM

28. The "I'm free" "So what, I'm four" joke is vaguely familiar to me.

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Wed Mar 6, 2013, 03:14 AM

29. Walpole Mass. circa 1958

the punch like was ......that's not my belly button---that's not my finger either. Odd what we remember .

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Tue Mar 19, 2013, 06:51 AM

30. Why did the chicken cross the road

Now updated :

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Wed Mar 20, 2013, 11:48 AM

31. Yeah, but it was racist so I won't give it a bump.

But my favorite joke from when I was little is:

Q: Guess what?
A: That's what!

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Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:13 AM

32. I was around the age of five...

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Adam.

Adam who?

ATOM BOMB!!!

I also remember a juvenile dirty one about expecting more from standard, and getting it...in the form of a big ding-dong.

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