To the handsome, tall, young, dark-haired US Army Sergeant.........

[TheDebbieDee]

(I think his Home of Record was in Wisconsin) attached to a medical unit at KKMC in Saudi Arabia in early April of 1991.

I apologize. I'm so sorry and ashamed at how I behaved. You and I spent 2 or 3 days working together amiably and in a small group packing up some of the 86th Evac's equipment to ship back to their home station at Fort Campbell, KY. I thought you were attractive and sweet and I think you thought the same about me. So at the end of our 3rd or 4th day working together, you made a very proper advance by suggesting that we spend some time together after hours.

You couldn't possibly know that I had been involved in a series of bad relationships with men and was less than 2 years removed from my most recent close relationship with a man, (my ex-husband) a man that was physically and emotionally abusive to me on a daily basis.

How could you possibly know that in my post-traumatized state that I would think any man that found me attractive only did so because he thought he could slap me around and get away with it. I had no clue (or maybe I was just in denial) I felt that way myself until you made your advance......and I suffered some kind of emotional break and I unloaded on you. I beat you up with my words, not my fists, but I did beat you up - and then I walked into my tent. My head was hot and my scalp was tight. My thoughts were so fuzzy that my vision was blurred. I felt awful for you and I was ashamed of what I did and what I said.

I saw you around the staging site several times over the next 4 or 5 days and I agonized about what I should do about the situation. On the one hand, I knew I should apologize but how does one apologize for being so horrible to another human being? On the other hand, I was afraid that you might have viewed any approach from me as provocative or threatening....I finally decided to just leave the situation as it was. And by the time I left Saudi Arabia in Mid-April I somehow forced myself to FORGET about the encounter and to FORGET the fact that I had a terrible problem that would affect every male/female relationship that I would have for years afterward.

I wanted to forget that day and forget I did - for almost 21 years, until March 5, 2012.

I was sitting in my office workspace, shuffling paperwork and wondering about the warm, breezy pre-spring weather in my part of the country when I was suddenly reminded of another breezy, spring day almost 21 years ago, a spring day in which I was anything but nice to a sweet young man who didn't do anything to deserve to be treated the way I treated him - I nearly burst into tears right there at my desk.

You were nice and I was attracted to you. And I really, really liked you! I think that's why I snapped the way I did - I just didn't know how else to ACT.

For the life of me, I can't remember your name - I usually have such a great memory, too. I do remember the shape of your handsome face, your wonderful dark eyes and your neat, full mustache. After spending the last week agonizing again over that spring day in Saudi, the memory of that traumatic event is starting to fade away again. I hope this time I forget that day in Saudi forever.......

Anyway, I'm ashamed and I'm sorry....so, so sorry....And I hope you didn't waste much time puzzling over my bad behaviour but instead found a woman who was crazy about you and DID know how to act!

[1620rock]

1. Ahh, don't beat yourself up over this...

"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been."

I'm sure your friend understood that you were not emotionally ready for a deeper friendship.

[The Doctor.]

2. I understand all too well.

I don't let women near me anymore. Sure, I can talk to them like anyone, but the moment they indicate 'interest' I turn to steel. I'm sure I've humiliated them by asking them complex questions and telling them, 'I'm not interested' when they couldn't answer.

I do it for the same reason that you did what you did.

I've been thrice abused and maligned now. Selfish, nasty, pernicious creatures that went for me so hard but couldn't live with an interpersonal dynamic. Adult children that couldn't handle the complexities of a real relationship beyond some twisted father-daughter arrangement (They were all nearly my age). They couldn't face their own flaws, so they took it out on me by spreading bullshit about me to their friends and family. It's virtually destroyed my life.

I will NEVER be able to trust a woman again. Not because I think women are bad, but because just a few of them hurt me very badly.

You were hurt. You don't want to be hurt again. I totally get that.

The good news is that you did something miraculous whether you know it or not... you got over it. That sometimes comes in the form of regret.

If I were an 'expert', I'd say you were finally free. I hope I'll catch up someday.

[Jim Lane]

3. K&R - thanks for a very honest and revealing post. (n/t)

[Scuba]

4. Cut yourself some slack....

.... he'll be fine, as are all the rest of us men who have taken a little backlash for other men's sins. It's OK; it helps the good ones understand what true assholes the other guys are.

[DiverDave]

5. You have a good heart

It would be cool if you could say this to him, but thats a pipe dream.
You moved me, chin up, you are a good person.

[MattBaggins]

6. I forgive you

Oh wait I was in Doha at that time.

But if you makes you feel any better I'll still forgive you and say no big thing.