We are having a death vigil for my cat Marmalade (Marmie for short), aged approx. 14 years.
I cannot put into words how sick and powerless my wife and I are feeling right now.
We have 5 cats, and our oldest was a present to me -- and the only good thing that came out of it -- from a fundie Christian lady I tried dating back in '98 and '99. Marmie was a stray who frequented the back yard of the home where this lady lived as a live-in nanny. The first time I went over there and saw her in the back yard was an afternoon when I came to pick my date up for a movie. I went out there and picked the little girl up and she just clinged to me and purred so loud. I didn't take her in then, because she was gone later that day.
But a couple months later, on my 30th birthday, the family brought Marmie in for me to take home that night, if I chose to, after dropping off my date from a birthday dinner. I chose to take her home and named her that night, March 17, 1999. Marmie was about 8 months old, and pregnant to boot. I wanted her to have the kittens so bad, but that would have been more cats than I could have kept where I was living at the time. I had to take her to the vet to be fixed and have the litter aborted, and I will never forget how sad I was about that.
Marmie has been a constant companion to me, my mother in her final days, and my wife ever since she came to live with me in 2002. I have so many great memories of this cat, and thank goodness at least a few pictures.
[IMG]
[/IMG]
Over the past several weeks, Marmie has slowly stopped eating, and got to the point where even things she loves like corn and peas she wouldn't touch, not even if we pre-chewed them for her. Her weight has dropped to nothing and now we can't even get her to drink. We've resorted to trying to give her kitten formula and water by a syringe with very little success. Tonight we're just trying to keep her eyes and mouth moistened in the hopes that it will help her feel at least a little better.
My wife and I are crushed with guilt right now, because she's been unable to find even a minimum wage job despite applying all over the place (or often just being told that applications weren't even being accepted), and therefore we have lacked the money to take Marmie to a vet. All I keep thinking is that there was a treatable condition which we could have gotten her medicine for or something, and instead we've spent the past few weeks watching our wonderful kitty waste away. And the worst part is that there's no way to put her down humanely. The local Animal Control would take her away and euthanize her if we called and said we found her as a stray for no charge, but just looking at her even in her current condition you can tell she's been cared for. No vet offices we called were willing to help us, or knew of anyone who would. So we have no options, and anyway I couldn't bear to have her taken away to die alone and terrified.
My wife and I have Marmie up on the table with us, and true to form, the one thing she is still able to do is purr like crazy while my wife gently brushes her fur. Other than that, she doesn't have the energy to even move around much.
So tonight we're sitting here, with all these feelings of guilt and powerlessness despite having shared over 13 years with this wonderful and awesome cat, able to do so little when she needs us the most. It's her time and we desperately want her to just drift away, and yet at the same time we dread the thought and I know that it will take me a very long time to forgive myself for what she is going through right now. I will never stop wondering if a $300 vet visit would have made a difference, had the money been available.
Thank you, Marmie, for being such a good friend to me for nearly a third of my life. I will always love you and never forget you. 
= new reply since forum marked as read
I've been in the exact situation: broke and on death watch with two of my beloved kitties before also, and it IS an awful crippling feeling. In all fairness though, there was probably nothing or little that a vet could do. Don't feel bad, you are doing not only all that you can, but you are doing the best thing now too. 
All the money in the world cannot buy life or health.
You did the best you could for her. Don't beat yourself up.
It's horrible when there's nothing you can do. But she knows she's loved and safe, and if that's the best you can give, that's most likely all she wants.
Haele
I have been there.
She is safe and is at home in comfortable, familiar surroundings.
That is worth alot.
And she is loved.
and it doesn't sound like she is in pain, so don't feel so bad. This is a sad time, but you are doing what you can. If you think about it in human terms, we do this same thing for our loved human ones---we do not have an option of taking them to be put down. So treat this the same way. Let her rest, pet her, tell her how much she is loved.
Damn, your story just makes me cry! How terrible that you can't find a vet that's willing to do the deed on a payment plan. Mine have done that for regular customers and on occasion have just waved the fee entirely.
This is just so heartbreaking!
Try not to feel guilty (I know, I know, famous last words) but you're doing the best you can with your financial situation and staying up with Marmie to just give her your comforting presense is so truly loving.
The final hour was just the worst, because that was when she realized she was going, and she began to hyperventilate and make some final plaintive meows. That final hour just slew both me and my wife. We cried so hard and for so long that I still have a tension headache across my entire face from it.
We buried her at the base of a big tree, with some pretty yellow flowers. I know she's resting very peacefully now. 
We have two other cats who are over 10 years old, whom we have to be very mindful of and worry over every little thing. But, like Marmie, one is Jeanette's cat which she got just after he was weaned, and the other is a stray which we adopted when he was perhaps a year or so old. I'm really hoping we have another 3-5 years before we lose another one. Having a second one die so soon after Marmie would be just too much for either of us to handle.
it's so hard to say goodbye to them, especially when they've carried you through so much.
to a much loved kitteh and companion. RIP Marmie-you were much loved and will be remembered forever.
Marmie will be waiting for you in heaven.
What a wonderful tribute to Marmalade.
Please be sure she's with all her friends in our picture thread, pinned to the top of this forum. We should always remember the ones who touch us so deeply and whose passing is so very hard for us.
Safe passage, Marmie 
Rest in peace sweet little kitty....may all the wonderful memories you have of her cause you to smile.
She had a full loved and wonderful life.
She will be waiting for you wherever that may be in the afterlife.
I remember when we had her on the table while we were talking to somebody on Skype, and they thought there was a motorcycle idling outside our window. Nope, it was Marmie getting petted and purring. She would literally choke on her own purr a little bit sometimes. Nothing serious but she would need a moment to get her breath back and settle down.
That, and her eyes were just so big and cute. Almost like Puss 'n' Boots from the Shrek movies.
