Pets
Related: About this forumHow To Pill a Cat
I was at the Vet yesterday getting three of my fur-babies their annual shots and checkups. While I waited in the treatment room, I saw this and thought I would share it. It is intended as humor, not as actual instructions. Cat keepers however, will find it far too familiar.
*Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.
*Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.
*Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with the left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
*Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
*Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
*Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later.
*Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.
*Check label to be sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
*Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
*Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
*Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
*Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
*Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new dining table.
*Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and contact local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
shenmue
(38,506 posts)Curmudgeoness
(18,219 posts)to give the cat a shot, and no pills. The liquids can be a problem too, but not as bad as a pill. I had to give pills to my cat that I have now, and my legs were tattered from trying to sit on him to hold him down. Next time I must give pills, that cat is gonna die.
ChazInAz
(2,559 posts)How does one trim a Savannah cat's claws? My own efforts are similar to the pilling adventures above. The vet has no problem doing his feets. But when I try it, Hastur The Unspeakable changes from his usual amiable self into something resembling his namesake. Most impressive is his teleportation ability. He can be sitting with me on the couch, dozing in front of the television, purring thunderously. As soon as I pick up the clippers...he's gone, usually under my bed covers.
okasha
(11,573 posts)Very, very carefully.
eridani
(51,907 posts)Wrap the pill in bacon.
okasha
(11,573 posts)1. Sneak up on sleeping cat.
2.. Gently apply pressure at corners of mouth.
3. Pop pill into mouth, as far back as possible.
4. Gently hold jaws together till cat's tongue emerges and licks upward toward nose. This indicates that cat has swallowed.
5. During step 4, maintain silence. Screams may cause neighbor to summon armed policepersons on the assumption that you are being murdered. Do not create a situation in which your cat may assault an officer of the law.
6. Release cat. Apply disinfectants and bandages to any areas of exposed skin.
7. Damage may be minimized by wearing boots, chaps and kiln gauntlets.
8. Humbly beg cat's forgiveness.