Doing some research. I think my family may be codependent.
Doing some research I've come to realize that my family has some very strong codependent traits. My father had already received much the same diagnosis when he went to see a therapist some years back, that case he was told that we had an enmeshed relationship, very similar to codependency. It is not as obvious why this has developed though as we lack some of the central characteristics like a central substance addicted family member. Alcohol and substance abuse has never been part of the family picture, nor have sexual or physical abuse. The more I think of it and the more research I do though the more I realize that subtle but invasive forms of emotional abuse and neglect may play important rolls in my family and my upbringing. Certainly if you look at a list of the symptoms of codependency:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992#.UrzW1pBDuKk
Low self-esteem.
People-pleasing.
Poor boundaries.
Reactivity.
Caretaking.
Control.
Dysfunctional communication.
Obsessions.
Dependency.
Denial.
Problems with intimacy.
Painful emotions.
This reads like a who's who list of descriptors for all three of us (me, father and mother) to some degree or another. I see my mother especially strongly at times in some of the descriptions of codependents I've been reading, but then other aspects will be eerily similar to myself or my father.
Some of it doesn't really fit at all but when I look at descriptions of what codependent people are often like it's like looking into a mirror:
http://insidetherapy.com/codependency.html
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Codependent behavior is often characterized by an intense anxiety around interpersonal relationships.In order to manage their anxiety, codependents unconsciously monitor the dynamics around them, and dedicate themselves to what others need or want. In that way a codependent feels safe.
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A codependent has strong ideas of how things "should" be and are often excessively helpful, trying to "fix" things. Underneath this mask is a strong control impulse; this is how a codependent manages his or her anxiety
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Dysfunctional families don’t talk about problems directly. Family members learn to repress emotions; they learn to ignore what they really need and really feel,
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Codependents have diffuse boundaries; that means it is difficult for them to tell the difference between their own needs and the needs of another person.
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Co-dependents have low self-esteem. They have forgotten who they are, and believe their value lies outside of themselves. They are uncomfortable in their own skin. and look for things or people outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to be themselves. Either everyone is more important than they are, or they have to be more important than anyone else. Either way they are concerned with how others view them, and what others are doing instead of exploring their inner world of self.
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Some Characteristics of Co-dependent People
We are afraid of being abandoned.
We are afraid of rejection
We feel isolated and alone
We almost always deny what we are really feeling
We feel afraid to be who we are and share who we are
We don't trust ourselves.
We don't trust others
We neglect ourselves
We do not reach out for help
We believe we are unlovable
We are terrified of loss, not understanding that this is a natural part of life
We carry a deep sense of shame
We are highly critical of ourselves and others
We are full of self pity
= new reply since forum marked as read
Remember, the first thing you do is recognize there's a problem.
Then, you can see more clearly the forms the problem takes...
I think this is what you've done here.
It can be solved!
By recognizing and listing the characteristics of co-dependency, you have taken the first step in solving it.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
You seem to have taken the first steps.
