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Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:14 AM

had to call the police to take my husband to the hospital yesterday

we've hit a particularly nasty patch here. i've been feeling pretty good lately and it seems that things between us have been fine, but perhaps i was wrong.

my husband has long denied that he has any sort of mental health problems, despite the fact that me and most of the people who know him all see the depression, the anxiety and the paranoia those bring out in him. during our rough patch this summer he said that he'd divorce me if i didn't go back to therapy and that he would start going once i did. i've been with my therapist since july and he's done nothing and just gets angry with me when i bring it up. he said he's fine and all of us are imagining things.

however, a small and trivial request from me on saturday night cascaded into one of our signature late-night, hours-long fights. i said some nasty and hateful shit in response to the nasty and hateful shit that he was spewing. i'm not proud of how i act when i've been pushed past my limit. well, the fight resumed early sunday morning when he told me he was sorry things were ending this way (he said he wanted to leave and told him to pack his shit in the morning) and that he had done all he could to make things work between us. i told he was full of shit because he has made no attempt to deal with his demons or his depression and anger issues. he locked himself in the bathroom and started drawing a bath, which set off all sorts of warnings to me.

i was able to convince him to unlock the door but he asked me to leave so that he could kill himself and pulled a knife out from under his pile of clothes. i got it away from him and gave him the option of me driving him to the hospital or me calling the police to do it, at which point he pulled down the shower head and wrapped the hose around his neck.

watching him be cuffed and put in the back of the cruiser was the most heartbreaking thing i've ever witnessed. they decided against admitting him and sent him home, my displeasure with that stems not so much from my fear that he will hurt himself, but that he needs help and has so far refused to do it on his own.

i had to call my boss yesterday to come cover my shift and i was honest with him about what was going on. he told me to take a few days off if i needed.

he hasn't really talked to me since i brought him home yesterday, except to tell me that he disagrees with the counselor's opinion that he suffers from ptsd and that he thinks is more likely bpd (something i've thought for some time now but got yelled at for suggesting). part of me is optimistic that this is what he needed to realize he needs help, but i am not terribly so given his past resistance to any sort of treatment.

i don't feel that his attempt - perhaps threat would be a better word - is my fault, but i do have a lot of guilt about him being cuffed and taken away in a police car. i know that he is responsible for his own actions, but i feel miserable about being so deliberately hateful. he said he's not mad at me, but he's no the type to say shit even with a mouthful and the fact that there has been no talk about this is bothersome to me. i overheard him tell his mom he's going to the county mental health office tomorrow for a consult, but he hasn't said one word to me. but what's worse than the silence is that he won't even touch me. i understand it, but i need a hug so goddamn bad it hurts.

my biggest issue is taking all of this and what he says personally. we'll be together four years in march and i've spent the last couple of years watching the man i fell in love with withdraw further and further from me and be replaced with a man who knows nothing but anger and uses me as the convenient outlet.

i can be difficult, i can be needy, i can be a pain in the ass, but i have spent the last six months walking on fucking eggshells to not hit his triggers while he walks all over mine. he is mad at me that i want a husband and not a roommate. requests for attention, affection or sex are most often ignored without comment or met with anger. asking him to take me out is like asking him to cut off a limb. asking him to help me with chores around the house is taken as a serious and final judgment against him as a horrible human being. i can't even cry because it just pisses him off and he'll sit in the other room and sigh loudly or ask me what my fucking problem is.

i keep telling myself that he's sick, that he needs help, but i'm tired and i'm lonely. i miss the man i married, but i still love him so much it hurts.

i've spent the last two days pretty much in bed watching netflix because that's pretty much all i feel i can manage. i see my therapist on wednesday, guess i have plenty to talk about this time.

17 replies, 1834 views

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Reply had to call the police to take my husband to the hospital yesterday (Original post)
fizzgig Jan 2012 OP
Angry Dragon Jan 2012 #1
fizzgig Jan 2012 #2
Angry Dragon Jan 2012 #3
BeHereNow Jan 2012 #4
fizzgig Jan 2012 #5
BeHereNow Jan 2012 #6
fizzgig Jan 2012 #15
BeHereNow Jan 2012 #16
elleng Jan 2012 #7
fizzgig Jan 2012 #10
applegrove Jan 2012 #8
fizzgig Jan 2012 #11
mopinko Jan 2012 #12
fizzgig Jan 2012 #14
mdmc Jan 2012 #9
fizzgig Jan 2012 #13
mdmc Jan 2012 #17

Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:18 AM

1. best I can do

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Response to Angry Dragon (Reply #1)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:25 AM

2. thank you

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #2)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:29 AM

3. Any time you need a hug ...just let me know

Dragon

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:40 AM

4. I am so sorry...you did the right thing calling the police, so don't feel guilty!

He sounds BP to me, although I am no doctor.
It can be terrifying and traumatic to love an untreated BP.
I've been there.

Fortunately my BP family member has accepted diagnosis and treatment.
It's not always consistent, but life has gotten much more bearable in combination
with me taking care of myself!

You MUST not take his behavior personally- that is rule number one
in loving a BP- if he is indeed one.
There definitely IS some problem, no doubt and whether it is BP
or PTSD- you must not internalize any abusive behavior towards you-
Hard to do, I know, but necessary if you and the relationship are to survive.
DO NOT- I repeat, DO NOT engage with him when the situation escalates.
Tell him you love him and go for a walk. Calmly.

Be consistent in this course of action should crisis arise.

Find a friend to hug you if you need a hug- cyber hugs from me btw.
If you are sexually frustrated by his lack of attention- find a way to release it by yourself,
if you get my drift.

Take care of yourself and do not expect it from him- he is not capable of
caring for himself, so how much do you expect he can be there for you?

If you ever want to talk- PM me.

BHN


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Response to BeHereNow (Reply #4)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 02:06 AM

5. disengaging is the problem for me

he hits my buttons and i'm off, try as i might to not react. i know that nothing will come from trying to talk to him when this happens, but i keep on trying. i am no good at walking away and it's something i've been working on, but with little success so far and i just hate myself for it.

right now all i am doing is staying out of his way and letting him decide what, if any, type of interaction he wants to have. damn hard in our tiny little place, but at least he's sleeping in our bed tonight. i'm trying to expect nothing from him, but my brain is battling itself over that one.

i'm doing what i can to take care of myself and the cats have been especially attentive the last few days, so that has been helpful. i know i will get through this, but i worry about us and it's that helpless feeling that hurts so badly.

thank you for the advice, i hope i can remember it when it matters.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #5)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 02:23 AM

6. Ah, the cats will be your key to unlocking the door of CHANGE.

Cats are terribly distressed by fighting and discord in their environment.
Focus on THEM and what they need when you need to walk away.
If you can't do it for yourself right now- do it for your fur people, as though
they were your children who you do not want to traumatize by your actions
and interactions with your hubby.

I know all about the "helpless feeling" and can tell you from experience, it
is not conducive or productive to the changes that need to happen.

You MUST gain control of your triggers.
Take ten steps away from the situation- make this a practice and
you will grow strong in your ability to summon it when you need it the most.

My family therapist- the best in the world, imo, once told me something that made
SO much sense.
She said initially we are attracted to some one because our "candy drawers fit and are
inter changeable... unfortunately the balance of that is the fact that our "shit drawers" also
are a perfect fit, and there in lies the work."

If he wont do the work with you- you must do it on your own, for yourself.
find out HOW your "shit drawers" fit- decide if there is any hope in coming together
to talk about THAT aspect of your relationship.

If not at this time, maybe later- either way, you MUST find a way to take care of yourself
and not "engage" when the "shit drawers' are opened up.

Learn to recognize it and you will obtain the power to retreat when needed.

BHN

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Response to BeHereNow (Reply #6)

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 12:09 AM

15. i walked away today, if only from a small thing

small victory, but i'll take it.

i've been thinking a lot on the 'shit drawers' (similar to the bags of shit my dad told me about), and trying to find a way to talk to him about it at an appropriate time. i already know that our shit draws are so horrifyingly complimentary and opposite, it's just a matter of bringing them up when it's a reasonable time for him and a safe time for me.

we had the intake meeting today at county mh, he said he was doing it against his instincts, so i'll count that as a positive.

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #15)

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 12:33 AM

16. Many small victories add up you know...

If I may suggest it- when approaching the "shit drawers" keep the
conversation about you. Talk about YOUR shit drawers, not his.
If you stay calm and just discuss those aspects about yourself
as though you were simply an observer- he will hear it and hopefully
recognize some things about himself.

Don't react to any of his feedback with anything other than
"You know, I will think about that- thanks."

If he feels attacked, no progress can be made.
Make a list of the contents in YOUR shit drawer.

Talk about them one at a time, not in a 2 hour session.
Try to keep your observations about yourself to a 15 minute share and walk away
with a "thanks for listening" I needed to talk about that.

Try it- it works.
But you MUST be self disciplined about it.
DO not let it turn into how HE fits into those drawers.
Instead, try to emphasize something good about your candy drawer with him,
which is what brought you together in the first place!

BHN

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 02:38 AM

7. Dear fizz.

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Response to elleng (Reply #7)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:01 PM

10. thanks, ellen

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 02:49 AM

8. I have ptsd. There are good drugs out there. Drugs that will calm him right down.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #8)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 01:02 PM

11. i am hoping that he will open up to the idea of meds

but he's so afraid of being zombified that he refuses to take them

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #11)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 06:11 PM

12. assure him he can quit anything that makes him feel zombified.

i have had that reaction to both psyche and general meds. take something else. there are lots of things to try. it's boring, but after many tries i have some relief from anxiety that made me walk in circles. too many days are already wasted.

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Response to mopinko (Reply #12)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 10:07 PM

14. i have tried to tell him that

but he is his own person with his own ideas that i can't change. we had an intake eval with county mental health services today and he got pissed when the counselor brought up meds.

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Response to fizzgig (Original post)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 08:06 AM

9. thanks for the OP

 

sometimes it is good to get it out there..
My thoughts are with you guys..

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Response to mdmc (Reply #9)

Tue Jan 24, 2012, 10:01 PM

13. i certainly needed to word vomit for a bit

thank you for your good thoughts

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Response to fizzgig (Reply #13)

Wed Jan 25, 2012, 09:28 AM

17. My pleasure.

 

Peace and low stress

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