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Fri Feb 15, 2013, 09:54 PM

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This message was self-deleted by its author (Locut0s) on Fri Jan 3, 2014, 12:20 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri Feb 15, 2013, 09:58 PM

1. To paraphrase George Burns

“Confidence - if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

Would it surprise you to know that some of the most confident appearing people are riddled with self-doubt?

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Response to annabanana (Reply #1)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 07:15 PM

7. It would surprise me if it were normal, but that SOME are this way does not surprise me at all...

In some ways I am one of them. I project a confident attitude here at school and in a limited number of other areas but I'm probably the most non-confident person you could imagine on the inside.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri Feb 15, 2013, 10:10 PM

2. I think that's true to a certain degree

But If you think more about it you may find that there are ways that you can prove yourself without having a great deal of confidence in social situations.

I'm not the most confident person, but I am good at what I do. I drive trucks for a living. I'm in the process of changing that, but for now it's what I do. When I go to talk to someone for a job, I come across as reserved and maybe a bit timid. But I have 16 years of safe driving experience in all kinds of commercial vehicles. That speaks for me to a certain degree and will get me in the door at a lot of places. Then they will test my driving ability. When I hop behind the wheel of a truck I can make it do anything I want it to. My low confidence in myself disappears. My timidity disappears. I'm master of the vehicle. When they see that, they know for sure that I'm good.

If you develop a high degree of skill in an area of study or a trade, your confidence will be high when you are working with that skill. It might not be socially, but you will be able to prove that you are good at what you do and the confidence will just come naturally. You don't have to be a socialite to get along okay in life. I think you can do it. I have confidence in you.

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Response to Tobin S. (Reply #2)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 07:21 PM

8. Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot! I agree that...

You do develop a high level of confidence in your own field of expertise. But what I'm talking about more is confidence in social interactions. If you are seriously lacking in social confidence then this can even undermine your confidence in areas you are expert at, at least in social situations. For example I may be a mathematical whiz, not saying that I am, who can solve any problem you put in font of me, but put me in a social situation where I have to demonstrate it and I may fall apart when faced with an elementary problem.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Fri Feb 15, 2013, 10:35 PM

3. It's a learnable skill, and it has a positive feedback loop.

Last edited Sat Feb 16, 2013, 06:49 AM - Edit history (1)

I'm finding out that a lot of it is being brave enough to push yourself into uncomfortable, even frightening, situations, and staring them down until you win. It's that win that builds your self-confidence, and after a while, it becomes self-perpetuating as you learn that this is what you need to do.

Edited to add this link to a thread from last week, where I faced exactly this kind of self-doubt, lack of confidence, fearful moment. And I thought about bolting, but I didn't, and now I'm glad I didn't. Read my three posts from a week ago.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/11146595

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Response to Denninmi (Reply #3)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 07:23 PM

9. Indeed frequent exposure to uncomfortable situations does breed confidence...

At least to a degree. This is the foundation of exposure therapy. It's too bad I've spent so much of my life running away from myself.

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Sat Feb 16, 2013, 12:31 PM

4. I have a coworker who is supremely confident, while I wear an invisibility cloak.

We do essentially the same job, but she is the one who gets the glory. She even told me that part of her success in school was knowing what the teacher wanted and delivering it, and I have seen her "working" our managers in the same way, telling them things that directly contradict what she has told me in confidence.

I have to remind myself almost every day not to be resentful of her ability to sell herself. I was raised more with the philosophy espoused by Miss Manners, "It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help," but I'm not sure that's true.

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Response to Still Blue in PDX (Reply #4)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 07:24 PM

10. Thanks for sharing that, I can relate 100% :(

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 12:24 PM

5. There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance

A strong self worth is helpful but I don't think that falls under the 'confidence' umbrella. It all comes down to a matter of different levels of comfort. If a certain common life activity makes you uncomfortable then the hard part is addressing this and finding a way to make it comfortable.

It may not always be something you can fix. I'm sensing that you use the personalities of others to measure your own. That isn't productive. You are your own person. You deal with things are your own level. Don't let others dictate how you live your life.

I'm "confident" that you can overcome this once you realize this. Be well. Be happy. Everything else will fall into place.

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Response to postatomic (Reply #5)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 07:27 PM

11. Indeed but the way our society is structured....

It often rewards those with the most confidence, and even arrogance. There certainly is a point at which is becomes a negative but experience tells me that even a healthy does of arrogance often beats a small dose of self doubt when it comes to success.

I thank you very much for the kind words though, they mean a lot!

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Response to Locut0s (Original post)

Tue Feb 19, 2013, 03:29 PM

6. What if it isn't confidence but is instead major histocompatability complexes?

What if some of us just give off the wrong biomarkers?

Ability is NOTHING when compared to the goodness of 'fitting in'.

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